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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with MIL’s snide remarks about our finances

121 replies

Salsalx · 06/09/2019 22:34

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. We are lucky enough to both earn very good wages. Both of us have worked hard to get where we are and have been particularly fortunate over the last 18 months as a result of a promotion in my role and DH being headhunted for a new job with a significant pay increase.

We are able to live comfortably in that we have a (mortgaged) home in a very nice area and have enough disposable income to be able to save as well as affording luxuries without having to worry. We are by no means “rich” but we are comfortable. Over the last year or so, MIL has been making remarks about our financial situation. My SIL struggles financially as she is the main earner working PT. She has DC with her DH who chooses to also work PT in a low paid job (despite being offered FT hours). They are up to their eyeballs in debt yet have a brand new 4x4 on finance and enjoy lavish holidays and fancy things funded by credit cards. MIL is often making remarks about how we earn “all this money” yet poor SIL is barely able to get by. Any comments from DH about SIL’s poor financial choices in response are simply shut down. We announced 6 months ago that we were buying a new home and MIL looked very disappointed. Her only comment was “I wish poor SIL could afford a home” and “I bet your watch alone is worth over 6 months worth of poor SIL’s rent”. More recently she told all the family in front of us that she hoped DH and I would be treating them all for Christmas now we earn so much money. During a meal with DH’s extended family, MIL announced that she was treating everyone to the meal except DH and I as we have plenty of cash to treat ourselves. Whilst we would never ever expect anyone to pay for us, we were singled out and humiliated.

I feel I’ve been very patient but I am now just about done. DH feels we should not let it get to us and should just ignore it, but surely no one should tolerate this. I have kept my mouth shut for too long and am ready to either cut out her totally or explode and tell her exactly what I think. Surely I am not BU? Am I? How is best to handle this situation?!

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 07/09/2019 00:22

why are you putting up with it? You say u don't share financial info so she only guessing. tell your partner have a word. Say it now before kids on board & harder to get rid of them.

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 05:22

It sounds to me like the meal your MIL offered to pay for except you and her son was a way to suggest that maybe you both could contribute a bit more. I have a son with more money than the other and he will often pay extra for things to help his brother out. We view it as helping family now and again. I imagine not everyone feels the same way. But some do... Its a case of different viewpoints. I guess it would be best to say to her " We don't mind paying for ourselves as we can afford to do that" if you feel like adding " we don't mind throwing in a bit more if it will help" then do so. At the end of the day - people do what they want and say what they want... it all comes down to how you deal with it...in a negative way, or a positive way.

justilou1 · 07/09/2019 05:33

I definitely think you need to set some boundaries with MIL... as far as you have explained, SIL hasn’t said anything to you at all about her financial situation and if you were to have that conversation with her about her and DH’s choices, it would be offensive. However, MIL needs to be told that SIL’s situation is a result of SIL’s choices as is yours, and you and DH are under no obligation to balance out the financial disparity between the two households. Let MIL know that you find her constant digs about money manipulative, transparent and offensive and they have to stop, or Christmas will be something you do in a warmer climate.

cantfindname · 07/09/2019 05:48

@HenriettaH That would be a fair comment but only if the SiL and her OH were working to improve their situation. It seems they are not, in this case. It would be a whole other story if they were unable to work or find a decent job, then it would be kind to help financially, although it still shouldn't be 'expected'. Funding a genuine need is very different to being expected to fund very poor lifestyle choices.

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 05:50

justilou - sometimes it's about what the son prefers to do and not just his wife. This is his mother and his sister, so far we have only heard that the OP feels offended. From what the husband has said it would appear that he doesn't feel the same. He basically told her to not let it get to her ( included himself as a protection I imagine) He also told her to ignore it. That tells me he thinks his wife is overreacting.

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 05:53

cantfind name - Could it be that it is simply the OP 'opinion' that tells us the SIL isnt helping her own situation or doesn't? I think the final call is with the OP husband. It is his family and he no doubt would like to remain on good terms with them even if they are disposable to his wife.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 07/09/2019 06:02

YANBU OP

Also how humiliating for your SIL. Your MIL is really stirring isn't she?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 06:06

Do you know for a fact your sil and bil are able to work full time if they wanted to? As in childcare, health etc. Carrying children and childbirth changes the body. Mine never recovered and I am too ill to work. Family don’t believe me - my mother does more now as I’ve had 2 big surgeries. Perhaps your bil an arse. Maybe they’re both lazy. Just delving behind the scenes.

I wouldn’t be done without saying something. I think you need to see your in-laws on their own and talk to them. Tell them how they’re making you feel. It sounds and if your sil and bil are making very different choices. Perhaps they’re constantly tapping your mil / fil for money and this is a reaction.

LellyMcKelly · 07/09/2019 06:10

“I’m sure if BIL and SIL wanted to earn more money they could, MIL. We all make our choices.”

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 06:12

Or smarten up and learn how to weather a storm. It's your husbands family and he no doubt loves them. He told you to ignore it so why stick your oar in?

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/09/2019 06:17

Don't be shut down. "I wish poor SIL could afford a new house" response "then poor Sil might need to work full time/nor buy a brand new 4x4". Every time.

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 06:20

Maybe SIL needs a reliable car. Maybe instead of judging SIL and BIL you decide to not cause a stir with your hubbies family. Again, he has asked you to ignore it.

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 06:23

Nottalotta. OP wants to shut down her husbands mother and judge her husbands sister. Her husband doesn't want her interfering...so I think she needs to shut down. Maybe her husband would have no problem helping his sister if his wife wouldn't so obviously have a problem with it.

Sockworkshop · 07/09/2019 06:26

We’re in a similar position to you (two high incomes, no kids, lots of disposable income) and we tell people NOTHING
This !
So many threads about family and friends asking for cash,expecting things and the OP always spills their financial situation.
Dont discuss it or your savings,purchases etc.
I would be MYOB Mil from now on and come up with a suitable disinterested reply when she mentions SIL
"Oh really" and change the subject, dont engage

MaybeitsMaybelline · 07/09/2019 06:35

I don’t it, she thinks you have left ads of money because you go on nice holidays and have nice things yet her poor daughter had a 4x4 and goes on nice holidays on tick. Why does MIL think yours is paid for and theirs is debts and not vice versa. How does she know yours isn’t in tick. Surely the only difference is you both work full time.

Therefore she should telling DD and her Dzp to work more hours and progress their careers?

Sockworkshop · 07/09/2019 06:36

Sorry should have RTFT -OP hasnt discussed.
Shes also disclosing your SIL finances to you.I wonder if SIL is aware ?
I would reply "SIL finances are her own business Mil ,as are ours "
Repeat until she gets the message

BeanBag7 · 07/09/2019 07:05

It sounds to me like the meal your MIL offered to pay for except you and her son was a way to suggest that maybe you both could contribute a bit more.

A) why should they? It is their money and if they dont want to give it to SIL (or anyone else!) I dont see why they should have to.

B) If SIL is short of money she should be asking for it herself, not getting her mum to make snide remarks about it. Or, even better, managing her own finances better.

C) Announcing in front of everyone is the worst way to go about "suggesting they should contribute more". A quiet word before the meal would perhaps be acceptable.

D) it sounds like MIL isn't doing too badly for herself if she can afford to treat a large group of people to a meal out, why isn't she helping her own daughter out, rather than expecting OP to do so?

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 07:10

E) Or maybe MIL can't afford to help her daughter out and was offering to pay for some meals to make a point.... likely knows her sons gatekeeper wouldn't allow him to do anything without permission.

Palaver1 · 07/09/2019 07:13

Don’t share your good news for the time being as anything that’s known is an issue.
We have posts here that ask and say how much one earns and all that.
I never could understand why this was not kept private.
Things change your position today might not be the same tomorrow especially if you do have children in the future.
Likewise for your SIL.
What is happening will and is bringing resentment on both sides maybe not with your husband but with you.
It’s not in my opinion your responsibility to tell your MIL.
It’s your husbands if his so determined not to ,pull him up on it.
It’s not what he says it’s how he says it to his mother.
If you want of course you can tell her but think it through on how it’s said.

iano · 07/09/2019 07:20

Tbh OP you sound a bit judgmental about sil. Maybe the husband cannot work full time? Lots of people get car's on finance. Sil is probably very embarrassed that you know all of this and her mother is telling you her personal business.

I think mil is trying to get you to help sil. She's going about it totally the wrong way and it's inappropriate but don't take it too seriously.

Just be glad you're in a good financial position and pay your own way every time. Don't accept treats from her. Don't share financial information. Play down what you're buying or don't mention it at all.

cptartapp · 07/09/2019 07:23

We've hand similar. DH spent years sitting accountancy exams and now earns well whilst SIL travelled round New Zealand, yet he always "lands on his feet" apparently. She had her wedding paid for and a £10k house deposit. We got nothing. The favouritism now extends to GC.
The meal thing is awful I absolutely would not eat out with them again. And tell her nothing.

Heatherjayne1972 · 07/09/2019 07:26

I bet the root of this is jealousy
Mil is thinking that it’s unfair that one Dc earns more
However from my own experience people who earn more have probably worked their socks off to get there
There aren’t many ‘professional ‘ jobs you can just walk into

The old saying is true here ‘the harder I worked the luckier I got ‘

Op not you fault that someone else made different life and educational choices to you

NoSauce · 07/09/2019 07:27

MIL has been making remarks about our financial situation. My SIL struggles financially as she is the main earner working PT. She has DC with her DH who chooses to also work PT in a low paid job (despite being offered FT hours). They are up to their eyeballs in debt yet have a brand new 4x4 on finance and enjoy lavish holidays and fancy things funded by credit cards

Have you pointed out all of the above and that’s why SIL hasn’t the same level of income and money left over as you?

Medievalist · 07/09/2019 07:27

Can't you just ask her calmly why she keeps making these rather hurtful and embarrassing comments? Is it because she expects you to help SIL out financially? Sounds like it is. so, you could point out that they could do more to help themselves (BIL could accept the FT hours he has been offered).

ShiftHappens · 07/09/2019 07:37

I would reduce contact - at least for you. It's your DH's mum so let him deal with it.

incredibly rude and from experience I can tell you that this is a downward slope.