To be fed up with MIL’s snide remarks about our finances

[Salsalx]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. We are lucky enough to both earn very good wages. Both of us have worked hard to get where we are and have been particularly fortunate over the last 18 months as a result of a promotion in my role and DH being headhunted for a new job with a significant pay increase.

We are able to live comfortably in that we have a (mortgaged) home in a very nice area and have enough disposable income to be able to save as well as affording luxuries without having to worry. We are by no means “rich” but we are comfortable. Over the last year or so, MIL has been making remarks about our financial situation. My SIL struggles financially as she is the main earner working PT. She has DC with her DH who chooses to also work PT in a low paid job (despite being offered FT hours). They are up to their eyeballs in debt yet have a brand new 4x4 on finance and enjoy lavish holidays and fancy things funded by credit cards. MIL is often making remarks about how we earn “all this money” yet poor SIL is barely able to get by. Any comments from DH about SIL’s poor financial choices in response are simply shut down. We announced 6 months ago that we were buying a new home and MIL looked very disappointed. Her only comment was “I wish poor SIL could afford a home” and “I bet your watch alone is worth over 6 months worth of poor SIL’s rent”. More recently she told all the family in front of us that she hoped DH and I would be treating them all for Christmas now we earn so much money. During a meal with DH’s extended family, MIL announced that she was treating everyone to the meal except DH and I as we have plenty of cash to treat ourselves. Whilst we would never ever expect anyone to pay for us, we were singled out and humiliated.

I feel I’ve been very patient but I am now just about done. DH feels we should not let it get to us and should just ignore it, but surely no one should tolerate this. I have kept my mouth shut for too long and am ready to either cut out her totally or explode and tell her exactly what I think. Surely I am not BU? Am I? How is best to handle this situation?!

I just did a search in the thread because I an shocked that no one has said this yet:

you don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem

Relationships between MILs and DILs can always be sensitive because it is hard to go from being the most important relationship in your son's heart to being demoted down to second (or lower) when he finds love and gets married. Those of us who aspire not to be batshit crazy do our best to keep a lid on those emotions but that doesn't stop it being hard.

MIL needs to hear whatever needs saying from her son, not for her DIL. Her son needs to be crystal clear that she is out of line. Her jealousy and snideness will not be tolerated and she is in danger of poisoning their relationship with one another with her avarice. That unless she can shut up about money and stop spoiling every family get together with her attitude, the two of you will stop coming to family get-togethers at all.

We’re in a similar position to you but we’re pretty generous to the SIL who doesn’t have much herself. We pick up the bill if we all eat out for example. We also didn’t ‘announce’ our plans to buy a house- just quietly got on with it. That word stood out in your op to me, I can see why they might think you’re rubbing it in a bit.

We are in a similar position to you and we don't ever tell anyone. No one knows what income we have and if anyone were to ask we would just say none of their business.
As others say at Xmas we just do a small homemade hamper for family and that's it.
We are convinced that we could win the lottery and no one would click.

"she was treating everyone to the meal except DH and I as we have plenty of cash to treat ourselves."

I would have thought that it's SIL who would have been humiliated by this tbh.

I think that it was an awful thing to do as to me you either pay for everyone or your own share.

That said, if she had wanted to treat just SIL & her husband that would have been her choice also.

But SIL does sound irresponsible with money.

Even if you aren't always flaunting/boasting about what you earn, it's hard to hide things like a new house/car!

Agree with quiet but v firm word then seriously minimising contact if it continues.

OP, I know exactly how it feels. DH has worked his arse off for years and earns very well. We have NEVER discussed our finances with the ILs but we've had some very snide comments over the years because a) they all know his line of work pays well and b) sometimes you spend money on something it's hard to hide (I'm not going to lie about where we went on holiday, or drive a complete clunker of a car if I don't have to). It has definitely had a negative impact on family relationships.

I'm not sure what to suggest, other than persuade your DH to have a quiet word with his mother. Oh, and ignore posters here who are somehow blaming you for your MIL being a bitch.

I got distracted and posted before concluding:

I say this is a DH problem because MIL honestly isn't worried about her relationship with you nearly so much as her relationship with her son. If you raise this annoyance it will just be slotted into her mindset as her lovely son's nasty wife being nasty. Your DH needs to be clear that the two of you are a unit.

Ignore. Stonewall her comments. People like that never change, no amount of trying to talk to her will work or help.

If I thought about a new house my whole family would be involved whether I wanted them or not 😂 There'd be links to houses texted, emails about good locations, people driving around areas at the weekends. Everyone would get in on the act. That's how things should be, not all the mealy-mouthed resentment that I'd 'announced' I was going to buy. Most families tell each other things about big decisions, it's natural.

Your MiL is toxic. I guess she feels sorry for her daughter, but that doesn't mean you have to be the whipping boy. Stop telling her anything, and start putting on the poor mouth.

Stop telling your MIL about trips out and, where possible, holidays.

The woman sounds a total fruit loop OP! Anyone in their right mind would be really proud of both you and her son for doing well....I wouldn;t put up with it anymore.If she continues to be mean and bordering on begging I would say something like "Ok this has gone on long enough MIL get out your cheque book or credit card (showing my age there forgive me!)and say how much do you want...come on spit it out.how much will it take to make you shut up? Name your price " If that doesnt humiliate her into shutting up then not much else will! Go on have a go make her feel as stupid and as vulgar as she is making herself...She is embarrassing and I would let her know so.....

Stop telling your mil everything! When you do on trips or spend on something, tell her it’s on the new credit card. Moan about how expensive everything is or how stressful your job is.

diddl

"she was treating everyone to the meal except DH and I as we have plenty of cash to treat ourselves."

I would have thought that it's SIL who would have been humiliated by this tbh.

You're right. That hadn't occurred to me, to look at how mortifying that would be for the SiL.

I'd agree, this is also humiliating for your sister in law. To constantly go on about her poor financial situation and to humiliate her publicly by saying she can't afford the dinner.

I think it depends on your view. Because your sister in law is probably sick to the back teeth of her mother going on about how much better off you are. She likely doesn't know she's talking to you about how skint she is.

I would try to change your view point. This isn't all about you in fact you're coming out of it better, as she's bragging about how well you've done. Whilst putting her daughter down for not achieving the same.

I suspect this is less she frowns on you guys. And more her issue is with her daughters life style choices.

How does she shut down responses? Can you or your DH not say "No, hear us out, poor SIL wouldn't be poor SIL if she didn't choose to buy expensive cars, or if she or her husband worked full time like we do, so your attempts to make us feel bad for working bloody hard to earn our living need to stop right here."

This. She sounds awful.
And I'd not mention anything to her - days out, trips, holidays, anything. The less she knows the better.

I'd want DH to speak to her again! Her behaviour sounds embarrassing.

I think if your DH just tells his mother that there will be no more socialising with family should money be discussed and sticks to it toxic MIL may come round pretty damn fast. Or she may not, in which case you can go out to dinner and have Christmas away with nicer people whose company is more congenial. If she wants a feud you probably can't prevent her, but you don't have to tolerate it at dinner.

This is a sticky situation. you, DH, SIL, And Bil are being humiliated by MILs constant comments. So, I do not think the answer is to attack SIL/Bil for their financial troubles.
It’s easy to judge others from the outside and you don’t want to turn into MIL by doing that to sil/Bil. Childcare costs could easily explain why BIL is only part time when his work is low paid. It might actually be a bad decision financially for him to work FT given the cost of childcare.
SIL/Bil May even have resorted to debt to try and stop MIL from viewing them as paupers.
It all comes back to MIL. Don’t let her toxic attitude turn you against SIL/Bil. If anything, I’d get with them so as to present a unified front. You don’t have to help them financially, but can give them advice and maybe help them to live within their means without feeling humiliated by mil.

Ywb totally over the top to cut contact forever over this, or even to explode. Your mil is being irritating ... you need to do the mature thing and tell her. No need for huge amounts of drama.

Please don't get them anything for Christmas! Awful bloody woman!
You need to stop seeing her as much - if at all. Urgh...

I’d tell her once to stop making comments about it, pointing out that they work part time and have chosen the cost of a child.
Then I’d say “seriously, THIS again?” when she mentioned it next time. After 3 “this agains” I would say fuck this, and not bother seeing her.

If your DH has already pointed out that SIL's finances are the result of her poor choices then MIL is unlikely to change. I suggest that you distance yourself and encourage your DH to do so too. Avoid inviting MIL to your home, keep visits to her to a minimum and spend the minimum time at family dos etc

Sadly OP this isn’t isolated to just yourselves. We have similar issues and are often guilted because of our financial situation. Luckily for us it isn’t as blatant but the odd comment here and there can be irritating. As someone above says, start playing the isn’t everything expensive game and feign some debt.

I would be tempted next time she says the they’ve got loads of money line to say ‘yes we have you jealous bitch how much would it take to get you to fucking stop going on about it’ and see her reaction but that’s just me. 🤭

I wouldn't put up with this. It's not fair for DH to ask you to "ignore it" when doing so means you have to worry about being embarrassed in front of others at every family meal or event. I would be telling DH that he has two choices, either you go very LC with MIL (although you can't expect him to do the same of course) or next time she makes one of her digs you will (calmly and without resorting to insults or criticism of SIL) tell her how this is making you feel and that she needs to stop.

If you do discuss it with her focus on the fact that these comments are hurtful and embarrassing. Give specific examples like the ones you have mentioned on this thread as she may not realise how frequently she is bringing it up. I'd avoid direct criticism of SIL's choices (that'll just make her defensive) and instead go with something along the lines of "DH and I have a comfortable life because we both work very hard for it and I don't see any reason why we should apologise for that". That said, if she then starts with the whole "I just feel so sorry for poor SIL" routine or starts hinting that she thinks you and DH should be helping SIL out (which I suspect is at the root of all of this) then I would respond firmly with "As I understand it, BIL was offered FT hours and turned them down so if you're concerned about their finances perhaps it's him you should be talking to" and then refuse to discuss it any further.

When you move make it several hours drive from the lot of them. Cut down you amount of contact ‘sorry we are too busy working full time”

I think this is a thinly veiled attempt to get you to offer money to your SIL.

It must have been cringeworthy for her at the meal too.

I think this won't stop until you or preferably your DH makes it clear it has to.

I would do this privately in a quiet moment.