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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD stealing (sick of it)

84 replies

NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 21:49

So DD aged 10 had been stealing from my purse and her grans purse for the past 6 months. Each time we catch her she gets punished e.g screens taken away, grounded or no pocket money. Caught her last night stealing £2 had a heart to heart she broke down crying thought we had a break through but this morning she took a £1 I know it's not much but she knows it's wrong. I've asked her why shes doing it and she just dosent care if shes caught. I just dont know what else to do. I need to search her room as that's where she hides stuff shes stolen but feels like an invasion of privacy. She has friends and not bullied at school. She has a very big attitude problem her mouth runs without being connected to her brain half the time.

Would AIBU to "tidy"her room and take anything shes not supposed to have? Or her dad wants to take everything and she can earn it back.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 21:50

Also sorry for any typos and grammar trying to settle toddler to bed.

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 06/09/2019 21:52

Of course YANBU! If she's stealing from you at the age of 10 then I think she has lost the right to privacy. Nothing else has worked so far.

LucieFurr · 06/09/2019 21:52

I did exactly the same at her age. I was taking the money to buy sanitary towels as I was too embarrassed to ask my mum.

Do you know what she’s using the money for?

babyonitsway · 06/09/2019 21:53

I feel for you OP, not a nice situation at all.

Why is she stealing the money? Does she need it to buy things or do you think it's the 'thrill'? Could you hide your purse/money so she can't get to it?

Does she steal other things?

cheesydoesit · 06/09/2019 21:53

What else has she stolen besides money?

summersherewishiwasnt · 06/09/2019 21:54

Give her £5 or whatever every Saturday. (If you can)
If she steals, anything, even a bean, she loses some, don’t take it all. She has nothing to lose then. Same for mouth running away.

daisydoooo · 06/09/2019 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summersherewishiwasnt · 06/09/2019 21:55

I should have said of course, she had to earn it by helping around. The hous4, little things, setting table, short tasks to motivate her into earning the money she wants.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 21:56

She dosent take other things just money and buys sweets with it. Shes on the 2nd percentile for weight. Shes definently not started her periods yet I already have her a little pack to keep in her room just in case but shes not even started with breasts or anything else.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/09/2019 21:58

Yes, go through her room with a fine toothed comb. She deserves it.

Herocomplex · 06/09/2019 21:58

Children steal for many reasons, sometimes because they feel something is being taken from them and they’re evening up the debt, or they are craving attention (even if it is negative), or they need the things because they’re not being provided.
If you’ve tried listening to her and got nowhere I’d advise that you arrange for her to have a talk with someone who can help her to understand what’s going on. It may be a passing phase but it’s better to be sure.

WhatsMyPassword · 06/09/2019 21:59

Is she being bullied though ? She might not be as popular as you might think, is she 'buying' friends?

And yes you should be searching her room, really thoroughly

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 22:01

School says she gets on with nearly everyone and isn't afraid to stick up for herself by either telling a teacher or ending up in a fight. She just said that theres never any good food in the house. I take her shopping and ask her what she wants she picks it all for her
Also she gets £5 a week on friday plus extra £2 from gran every time we ate there.

OP posts:
Howlovely · 06/09/2019 22:01

Is she aware that ten is the age of criminal responsibility and that stealing is against the law? I'm quite brutal with mine, I tell them that x, e.g. hitting, is against the law and if you do it as an adult you can get arrested so when do you think it would be best to stop doing it?

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 22:03

Yep she knows her grandad is an ex police officer and hes even spoken to her about it. I've threatened to take her to the police to show her the cells as a this is where you'll end up but got talked out of it by my mum.

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 06/09/2019 22:05

Is she taking the money for someone at school? Is there any chance someone is telling her / making her give them money?

DeeCeeCherry · 06/09/2019 22:09

Nip it in the bud now. Society won't deal with her kindly if she's a thief. I remember a girl who was the same and when she got older, stole from other staff at her workplace. She was in the cloakroom dipping in their coat pockets. She was sacked for gross misconduct, and the police called. Kleptomania can be an issue that runs wild if not dealt with firmly and you wouldn't want your DD to end up in big trouble

Bessica1970 · 06/09/2019 22:12

How does she buy sweets with it - does she go to the shop herself without you there? Maybe stop her going out unsupervised until money stops going missing.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 22:12

I've asked her about others at school but she swears blind its not and school hasn't noticed any strange behaviour. I'm pretty sure her best friend steals from her mum as shes always buying stuff from the shop for her and DD and when asked she acts a bit shifty about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 22:13

Shops on the way to school it's a 2 min walk from here

OP posts:
daisydoooo · 06/09/2019 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 06/09/2019 22:31

At 10 years of age she has no privacy, her room gets searched regardless, as well as monitoring her social media (if any) my children have limited SM

If she cannot be trusted then you hide your purse and until she is trusted she earns her pocket money!!!

No chores done, no money!!

If they stole, every single privilege given to them would be removed.

My children age 13 and 10, fortunately are children who are extremely well behaved and currently haven’t rebelled.

MoonageDaydreamz · 06/09/2019 22:37

I think the consequence needs to be much harsher next time she does it, ie she doesn't get to go to a sought after party or event or trip. It just needs to be positioned as a completely unacceptable way of going on.

It's probably worth looking online for advice, eg I don't know whether it is better for you and dh, gran or whoever to all religiously hide your purses so as to break the habit and remove temptation or whether this is counterproductive in the end.

You also need a reward system for when she doesn't steal eg if she doesn't steal she's treated to something more grown up but if she does she gets treated like a baby.

MatildaTheCat · 06/09/2019 22:38

I would limit any freedom to go to a shop alone. She has to earn your trust. Is there any element of attention seeking if you have a much younger child?

It sounds hard. You need to reduce any temptation by locking away your purses etc and not allow her the access to spending any money without your supervision. It’s a pain but she has to stop this now before it escalates to £20/50 and much, much worse consequences.

User344772734481882445 · 06/09/2019 22:41

sounds like the tip of the iceberg to me. Why on Earth is she stealing money? I think you need to chat calmly with her and try and find out what's going on for her and what the reason for this is... Hope she's ok