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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD stealing (sick of it)

84 replies

NotSoThinLizzy · 06/09/2019 21:49

So DD aged 10 had been stealing from my purse and her grans purse for the past 6 months. Each time we catch her she gets punished e.g screens taken away, grounded or no pocket money. Caught her last night stealing £2 had a heart to heart she broke down crying thought we had a break through but this morning she took a £1 I know it's not much but she knows it's wrong. I've asked her why shes doing it and she just dosent care if shes caught. I just dont know what else to do. I need to search her room as that's where she hides stuff shes stolen but feels like an invasion of privacy. She has friends and not bullied at school. She has a very big attitude problem her mouth runs without being connected to her brain half the time.

Would AIBU to "tidy"her room and take anything shes not supposed to have? Or her dad wants to take everything and she can earn it back.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 07/09/2019 09:15

If her friend likes stealing too, do you think there might be a risk they might be stealing from the shop too on the way to school?

Has she explained why she doesn’t take money from her dad?

StormBaby · 07/09/2019 09:22

My pre teen SD likes to steal and it's 100% because she likes the way it makes her feel, whether she's caught or not. She's not even very good at it, she'll say she wants to wait in the car and act all shifty, then clear out the change. She likes the drama. I just keep jewellery and money hidden all the time now.

Hederex · 07/09/2019 09:44

I would make it as hard as possible for her to find money to take. Hide or even lock up your purse. No visits to gran if possible until she proves herself.
Make it so there is literally no opportunity for her to spend the money. Provide snacks yourself.
She's only 10 so at the minute you have a huge amount of control. You need to nip this in the bud before you lose that.

Hederex · 07/09/2019 09:46

Oh so sorry I missed your update. Sounds like a brilliant plan.

JamOnTheCarpet · 07/09/2019 10:19

Does she spend all of her pocket money at once?

Could you give her a 'piggy bank' jar. Something clear so that you can see how much is inside, and that she isn't stealing extra for the jar!

She puts change into the jar once she's spent some of her £5, then when she wants money she can take from the jar rather than stealing from your purse.

Perhaps something to try instead of allowing her to keep money in her pockets, or hidden away in a purse. Make it visible.

Or spread out the pocket money if she spending it all at once.

The plan you have already is a good one though, this needs to stop before she gets known as a thief at school... Children can be very unforgiving if she gets caught there.

Bingbangbong89 · 07/09/2019 10:20

but feels like an invasion of privacy
She’s 10 years old and has been stealing from you and her GM for months and you’re worried about her privacy?! She’s 10!!!

AJPTaylor · 07/09/2019 10:42

It's probably just the sheer thrill of it. And opportunism. And a friend who enjoys it too.
Your plan sounds like a good one.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 07/09/2019 10:47

If she is stealing from the shop shes not been caught as I know everyone who works in there and they would tell me. I honestly think it's a jealousy thing her brother is turning 2 and hes taking up a fair bit of time. We had a good talk this morning and we've agreed to make more of an effort with each other. She was really quite good this morning getting her pack lunch ready herself and no arguing she has gymnastics training today.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 07/09/2019 10:56

If you know everyone who works in the shop can you ask them not to serve her sweets (that might be a crazy idea - am sure people will say if it is - but it just popped ito my head).
I'd also second walking her to school. It almost sounds as if she wants to be caught if she is stealing again immediately after you have caught her once - and it sounds as if she has been caught out quite a lot. I think there may well be more to it than simple stealing for sweets - maybe she's got a sugar craving. Have you discussed her stealing and buying sweets with her dietician, they might have some suggestions.

BarbariansMum · 07/09/2019 11:02

I stole repeatedly from the ages of 8-12. The immediate reason was that I had a sweet tooth and wanted to buy sweets, but we were also a very unhappy home and looking back I'm sure that was a big part of it.

Punishing and lecturing did not work. I stopped when I was 13 because I was old enough to earn my own money so didn't "need" to steal anymore (certainly wasn't because our home life improved).

Suggest for now you hide your purse (to avoid trmptation). She has to replace the money she's stolen. Some small punishment. Then start her on earning money from you by doing chores. This will help because shell not only have her own money but shell have an idea that you have to work hard to earn it (money can otherwise be this stuff that adults have and kids dont at that age).

HTH

fluffygal · 07/09/2019 11:03

My son steals money from me, he has done for a couple of years now, he is 13 now. Like your DD, he buys sweets with it. He gets pocket money from my parents (£20 a month and the £2 a week on top) and has money in his bank account but still steals. Punishment doesn't work, talking to him calmly doesn't work, shouting doesn't work. He can't give a reason why he is doing it. I have a safe now and keep any money in there. Last time he stole was from his 8 year old sister. She hides her pocket money in a old chewing gum pot, he found it and took £10. I have no idea how to get him to stop.

Areyoufree · 07/09/2019 11:10

She dosent take other things just money and buys sweets with it

I was the same - it wasn't about the stealing, it was about the sweets. I have always been a binge eater (binge everything, to be fair! Was a binge drinker, too). As an adult, I managed to get it under control, but the compulsion to eat was always completely overwhelming. My sugar cravings were always reduced when I had more fat, less carbs in my diet - however, I can appreciate that you probably don't want to play around with a 10 year olds diet too much, especially if she is already at a fairly low weight (I was overweight). This could all be irrelevant, of course, but it might be worth considering that she is battling compulsions that override any potential punishment.

Poochandmutt · 07/09/2019 11:29

Make sure she has enough money
I did the same at the same age due to needing toothpaste and tampons .

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 07/09/2019 11:30

She can be really horrible like shes 10 going on 16 with the attitude its very what you do to me I'll do to you. So for example if shes grounded for whatever reason then she'll take it out on me calling me names ect. Most of the time she can be really good.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 07/09/2019 11:34

Has her behaviour changed since her brother arrived? That is quite an age gap

user1490814754 · 07/09/2019 11:35

I know she is exceptionally young but could she be smoking?

user1490814754 · 07/09/2019 11:37

Actually that's a bit of a ridiculous suggestion if she's 10. Especially if you know she buy sweets with it.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 07/09/2019 11:38

I'm a smoker (I know) so surely she'd just steal mine of she was?

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 07/09/2019 11:40

Is it worth speaking to mental health services, maybe get her some counselling?

Thehagonthehill · 07/09/2019 11:50

Hide your purse and give her her pocket money £1 a day,then she can have sweets everyday.

Kitkatbar2018 · 07/09/2019 12:04

Is there something else going on for which this stealing behaviour is a symptom. If she has access to whatever she needs physically then there must be something else - could be as basic as jealousy around sibling - or something more she isn’t telling you about. The behaviour seems prolific and it won’t stop till you get to the root rather than just addressing this stealing behaviour if you see what I mean. Might be worth seeking professional help or finding someone for her to speak to. Like Place 2 Be.

lyralalala · 07/09/2019 14:54

When you say her brother is taking up a lot of time at the moment is it possibly pure attention seeking?
Honestly think about how much time tome she gets - is it all school and negative related? That’s a really easy cycle to accidentally get into. Is this her main way of getting attention from you just now?

VulcanRay · 07/09/2019 15:19

Does she have any other strange compulsions or habits OP?

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 07/09/2019 16:00

No other strange compulsive behaviour. I do think the main cause is attention. Toddler dosent sleep much and is very clingy still bf. DD goes out to school and she stays at grans on Saturdays if she wants to. So not alot of time is left for us time really

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 07/09/2019 16:01

Also does gymnastics training on saturday. We go swimming on sundays as a family

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