DD stealing (sick of it)

[NotSoThinLizzy]

So DD aged 10 had been stealing from my purse and her grans purse for the past 6 months. Each time we catch her she gets punished e.g screens taken away, grounded or no pocket money. Caught her last night stealing £2 had a heart to heart she broke down crying thought we had a break through but this morning she took a £1 I know it's not much but she knows it's wrong. I've asked her why shes doing it and she just dosent care if shes caught. I just dont know what else to do. I need to search her room as that's where she hides stuff shes stolen but feels like an invasion of privacy. She has friends and not bullied at school. She has a very big attitude problem her mouth runs without being connected to her brain half the time.

Would AIBU to "tidy"her room and take anything shes not supposed to have? Or her dad wants to take everything and she can earn it back.

What food is there in the house? She's very small and potentially hungry. I'd worry about that.

OP it seems like there’s more to this than you are aware. Maybe talk to her friends mum and see if she’s noticed any odd behaviour. For now why not start to hide your purse somewhere she won’t find like inside a coat pocket in the wardrobe?

I'd be walking her to school and back if she can't be trusted. No good stealing money if she can't spend it.

First off, remove the temptation. Hide your purse, or better yet get a lockbox and ostensibly lock your purse up in front of her. Keep no spare cash about the house. Just out of curiosity, does she steal from her dad's (or Grandad's) wallet or just your and Gran's purses?

Strip search her room, right in front of her. She needs to see the consequences. If possible, I'd be walking her to/from school so she doesn't have the opportunity to stop at the shops, or at the least I'd be searching her backpack & pockets to see that she doesn't leave the house in the mornings with stolen cash.

Also she gets £5 a week on friday plus extra £2 from gran every time we ate there.

And any £ she steals comes right back from her allowance.

If she's passing the shop on the way to school, would it help - and would it even be feasible - for you to walk her to school and back for a week so she has no chance to pop in?

At her age, being escorted by your mum is a bit embarrassing and might be enough to deter her.

We had a similar issue with one of ours who was enough of a Christian - or perhaps communist - to regard anything and everything in the house as common property to which they could help themself. They knew it was wrong because they lied when caught and were very secretive but it was off and on from about age 7 or 8 until about age 17!

Never outside the home, though, or never got caught at least.
Scrupulously honest as an adult now, I must say. It caused endless anxiety and there was never a real reason that I could fathom, just wanting and taking and feeling entitled.

They all had pocket money and the others saved and spent wisely but it always burned a hole in the tealeaf's pocket!

Can you walk her to and from school so she can’t go to the shops and buy anything? It would be a reasonable natural consequence that if she can’t be trusted not to steal money to buy herself extra treats then she can’t be trusted to have access to the shop without an adult there to monitor her cashflow. If she’s used to walking with her friends and without an adult then the embarrassment of having a parent take her back and forth from school for a week or two might be enough of a consequence to curtail the behaviour.

Shes never stolen from any males in the family. Think i will have to walk her to school. I honestly think it's more if a thrill thing going on. Food in the house is currently a fuck ton that she picked and stuff she hasn't picked she can have pretty much have anything she wants.

If she's buying junk food with you and stealing money to buy more but still on such a low centile, is there an eating disorder involved? Bulimia often involves bingeing on food before being sick.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/eating-disorders/advice-for-parents/

No being sick she hates being sick shes under a dietitian and they think shes just small her dads small too.

I know it's not the answer and you need to get to the bottom of it, but stop giving her the opportunity.

Lock money away. I know it's not convenient for you, but make it harder for her.

I stole from DM at that age to buy off the bullies. School didn't give a shit as they were the popular kids/teachers pets. DM didn't care either - one day I was chased home from school by a pack of them. Got back to find DM talking to a friend in the front garden and in tears began to tell her what was going on. She told me to shut up and then when we got indoors yelled at me for embarrassing her in front of her friend and beat the crap out of me. Not saying that's what you would do but its worth checking what is actually going on and getting to the bottom of what she is spending it on and why.

So I think my previous posts have made me sound a bit like I'm trying brush it all under a rug. So here's the plan so far

1. "tidy" her room
2. walk her to and from school.
3. ask school if they have noticed any changes
4. get DD nice and calm and have a good talk about it all.
5. keep a closer eye on thing like how shes feeling see if theres a pattern.
6. spend more time with her mabye its jealously.
7. last resort will be speaking to someone professional.

Is this too much? Will she feel suffocated? I mean it's not all going to happen in one day so hopefully not?

ok its not common but there are those with mental health problems that do steal.it can be something they cant even tell you why.it comes sometimes as a symtom of those with eating disorders.depression.anxiety.ocd and other illnesss.not saying this is what your dd has got at all but its recognized as something people can suffer with.
a feeling of out on control for something.it can feel like its for the money but it goes much deeper.
and i only say this because you had this big heart to heart and she went straight to doing it the next day. unless she is just really naughty(only you know that) and just needs to bloody stop.

My youngest is eight. She's been good over the last year, I've only caught her once (as she tried to hide the them up her sleeve) but she was a prolific thieving toddler.

From being a baby who was constantly bringing stuff from nursery home in her pocket (used to send her with a really comfy old hoodie with a front pocket) to a toddler who stole friends toys, blue tack from behind posters in shops and surgeries etc, to the young child who stole sweets and chocolate from the local shop behind my back..... Oh god and just over two years ago she stole two pockets of items from Lush, I marched her straight back in...

I totally understand.

My kids have both had a lot on over the last few years and my youngest hasn't had a safe, secure start (well, I worked hard to make it safe and secure but it meant running from her abusive dad).

She seems much more stable now, but she still nicks blue tack and ends up with very small items she says friends gave her, which I've checked up on and it's been true so far.

She hasn't stolen from purses but she will take a large interest if she sees money on a counter top etc.

It sounds to me like there's something on your daughter's mind, or she's being treated less than wonderfully by someone. The thrill of taking things is quite good, I remember a patch like this when I was the same sort of age, maybe slightly younger.

But to put everyone's minds at ease I'd try get a counselling session/ therapy session where you can be in to begin with but then have the therapist and your daughter talk together alone.

I've been looking for something similar locally for my youngest.

That's not just "small" I'll be honest I was thinking eating disorder too - is she hoarding the sweets she's buying and binging?

If not vomiting is she buying laxatives? Or over the counter things that can have laxative effect eg sugar free sweets?

There will be a reason for it.

I have to say at 10 you really need to be "in charge" you DO get a say in how she spends her time and who with and whether she walks to school without you etc.

Boundaries make kids feel secure, if they feel they're not there or aren't being stringently enforced they can feel insecure and "act out"

@Graphista she is under a dietitian... they will be monitoring for any purging/ bingeing potential.

@NotSoThinLizzy your plan sounds spot on - do not be afraid of "suffocating" her . Your actions will help her feel safe .

Who does she have the chance to steal from but doesn’t? Her Dad, anyone else? Is it just you and Gran she steals from or other people?

Ifonly - dietitian's are not MH experts, hell even the supposed MH experts miss stuff!

Like many mental illnesses there's a lot of secrecy and hiding in eating disorders. Sufferers can be very good at covering their tracks

@NotSoThinLizzy complete sympathy for you OP. Your plan sounds great and you do need to try and nip it in the bud.

Your Mum was right not to take her to the Police Station to see the cells, they won't let you in to start with, it's a controlled environment with, to be frank, some dangerous and violent prisoners often there, self harm incidents and drink/drugged detainees. No Custody Sergeant will allow a ten year old in just to frighten them. Times have changed somewhat since her Grandad will have served. It would be a threat you can't carry out.

What the Police will do if you get in touch with them is send a PCSO or a Neighbourhood Officer to speak to her. The uniform aspect might just have the right effect. Many will allow you to bring her to the station to speak to her to make it more formal for her, you just won't get within sniffing distance of Custody. You'll be able to contact them directly through your forces website,and I know my force (in the North West) has a scheme called "Early Action" which has all kinds of diversionary tactics to stop kids who appear to be showing concerning behaviour getting a criminal record - they work with different organisations who they can arrange sessions with to educate or divert their attention from the behaviour. It's worth enquiring and Neighbourhood will be happy to help you.

You are her DM and she isn't mature enough to have earned privacy. Clearly.
This needs cut in the bud.
I think it's respect she needs to learn. Not freaking her out by showing her custody cells.
There's something not right and you need to get to the bottom of it.
Bullying maybe or having to prove herself amongst her peers in some way?

I think you need to stop her allowance and make her earn it back by not stealing for an entire week. If she slips up she gets nothing. I would also suggest involving the school - if she’s stealing from you and her gran she may well be stealing or bullying money from other pupils at school. The school may be able support you to engrain the message.

She eats the sweets i find wrappers under the bed and shes following her growth line not losing any weight just puts it on slowly.

I think your plan sounds great. If there is something going on it needs to be understood. If you stop the stealing without understanding the reason (and she might very well not know herself) there will be a different behaviour emerging before too long.

My ds age 8 tried to steal chewing gum from a shop.. Because I didn't buy it for him. He put in his pocket. I pretended not to see. Paid for my goods. And stopped at the security desk and told them what he'd done.. His face.!
I warned him after that. If he ever stole anything from anyone I would drive him to the police station. He's 13 now and he knows full well that's what I would do. Nip it in the bud.