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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

82 replies

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:11

So I posted about this today but I accidentally deleted my login.

So I'll make this long story short.

So yesterday me and DP were talking about ttc but then he said something like I hope to be a proper dad this time. I asked him what he meant and he said nothing and to forget he said anything. He told me this morning that when he was 19/20 he had a son (now he would be 3/4) but his ex stopped him from seeing his son and moved away with her new boyfriend

He said he didn't tell me because he doesn't see his son anyway and his son probably calls someone else dad anyway

From my advice earlier I'm rethinking my plans to ttc

Advice?

OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 06/09/2019 21:15

What do you want to do about it?
Encourage him to contact his child?
Condone ignoring ones own child?
Run a mile, history could repeat itself?

Uniformuniformuniform · 06/09/2019 21:18

I would be re thinking the relationship. That is a huuuuge secret to keep and I would worry about history repeating itself!

MashedSpud · 06/09/2019 21:19

I don’t think it’s true that she stopped him from seeing his son. If he really wanted to see him he would have gone through the courts.

I think he didn’t want the responsibility and let another man take it instead.

Original poster
Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:19

He said he wants to see him but his son won't know who he is and he calls another man dad so there is no point. And he doesn't know where they are. He said his ex won't let him see him either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:20

He said he was young and immature so didn't go to court but he told her not to go but she didn't listen

OP posts:
WhatsMyPassword · 06/09/2019 21:21

run like the wind.

Gazelda · 06/09/2019 21:24

If he wanted to, he could make contact. Get in touch with ex's family, friends, etc.

Did he lose contact before his DS wAs born, or after? Does he know the child's name, DOB etc? Is he on the birth certificate.

This isn't just a holiday he went on that he's never mentioned. This is his child.

At the very least, you need to put off ttc until he acknowledges that something so huge in his life shouldn't be kept secret from someone he plans to spend his life with.

missbattenburg · 06/09/2019 21:26

He said he was young and immature so didn't go to court

This was just three years ago. How has he changed and matured since to now be able to be a good dad?

StarlightCeleste · 06/09/2019 21:27

He still is young and immature by the sounds of it!
You should be seriously reconsidering your relationship with this boy. A boy who thinks there is 'no point' in forming any relationship or contact with his 3/4 year old child/toddler!
You're both still very young and could do with some growing up before trying to start a family!

Countrylifeornot · 06/09/2019 21:29

Run! If he said the child was born 20 years ago I may think differently, but he's still a baby in the grand scheme of things!
How long have you been with DP?

Runkle · 06/09/2019 21:31

He was young and immature three years ago? Sounds like that hasn't changed Hmm I'd want someone to be with someone who could be civil with the mother of their child and fight to see said child.
Why are you in a rush to ttc after only 3-4yrs if that?

Original poster
Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:34

His ex moved away when his son was about 2 months. He knows his name and the month and year he was born but not the date

He doesn't know if he's on the BC as he only saw him a few times.

OP posts:
sunshineskys · 06/09/2019 21:34

If he’s kept this from you all that time what else is he hiding?!

Get out now 💐

LizzieSiddal · 06/09/2019 21:34

No I’d rethink having a child with this person.

He kept a massive secret from you, he’s still only 23/24- he’s still too young.

SheChoseDown · 06/09/2019 21:35

Does he not remember how old he was or how old the child would be? Sounds like he gave up very easily. Alarm bells would be ringing for me. I'm assuming you're a similar age to him? You're young enough to leave and start a new relationship and have children... one without lies. Good luck

SheChoseDown · 06/09/2019 21:36

Ahh Cross Post. He won't be on the birth certificate if they weren't married, he'd have to be there in person

Original poster
Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:36

I've been with him nearly 2 years. There's no rush to ttc but we were just talking about it

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 06/09/2019 21:36

Woooooooow, I would be absolutely putting the brakes on the ttc after that revelation! He just sounds so unbothered by the fact that he has a child somewhere and that he can have a do-over with you! What if his DC showed up in 10 years time for some reason? Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention I already had a kid?! Or if you needed fertility treatment one of the questions they ask is do you already have any children! Surprise! No fertility help for you!

Bloody hell!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/09/2019 21:37

How long have you known him?

I would be reconsidering the relationship yes. That is a massive lie by omission.

Why did the mum stop contact? Did he tell his family? Did none of them try and support him going to court? Now he's not so 'immature' is he not wanting to try again? Kids dont have much memory before they are 5ish anyway, he could still go to court and build a good relationship if he wanted.

Does he pay maintenance? If not does he save any money for his son incase he gets back in contact when he is older?

From what you've said it sounds like he just rolled over and thought 'oh well I can try again another time'. I would want to try and track down the mother and ask for her side of the story before making any decisions

Countrylifeornot · 06/09/2019 21:38

So the child had only moved away maybe 8 months before you got together, and he never thought to mention it?
Crikey have my first ever ltb!

StroppyWoman · 06/09/2019 21:43

You’ve been together for 2 years and he’s only just saying he has a 3-4 year old son?
Get out now.
This is not the man you thought he was.
For heavens sake, the child could have been under one when he got together with you and he never said a thing?

Original poster
Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:46

He didn't tell his family because they wouldn't have been happy (he was young and they weren't married).

He said he gave her money but never paid maintenance.

He showed me her page on instagram earlier but he isn't following her or hasn't messaged her because he said she would block him so he wouldn't even be able to see the pictures. And he said he seems happy enough with his 'dad' as she posts pictures saying daddy's birthday and stuff like that.

I'm tempted to message her off my account but not sure.

OP posts:
Babyfg · 06/09/2019 21:48

OMG definitely message her! Do it now before you change your mind!

Petrichor11 · 06/09/2019 22:00

Run a mile!

The fact that he’s hidden this and thinks there’s “no point” in trying to make contact with his young child proves he’s still stupid and immature.

GetUpAgain · 06/09/2019 22:02

Similar happened to me, I ended the relationship. I have zero tolerance for a parent who cba with their child. Hits a nerve as my mum died when I was young - why the fuck would you CHOOSE to miss your childs life?

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