Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not know what to do?

82 replies

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:11

So I posted about this today but I accidentally deleted my login.

So I'll make this long story short.

So yesterday me and DP were talking about ttc but then he said something like I hope to be a proper dad this time. I asked him what he meant and he said nothing and to forget he said anything. He told me this morning that when he was 19/20 he had a son (now he would be 3/4) but his ex stopped him from seeing his son and moved away with her new boyfriend

He said he didn't tell me because he doesn't see his son anyway and his son probably calls someone else dad anyway

From my advice earlier I'm rethinking my plans to ttc

Advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 22:04

If I messaged her I'm not sure what I'd say

OP posts:

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 22:09

I wouldn’t bother messaging her. If that was me on the receiving end I would be like who is this woman?? Why is she messaging me?

Have a long talk with your partner, if it was me I would encourage him to make contact but your plans ttc will be put on hold. Maybe it’s a good thing.

It is pretty bad he’s kept this from you. My ex did something similar but it came out by my finding out accidentally. But I couldn’t stay with a man who wouldn’t fight for his kids.

She may well block him or ignore him or whatever but if he’s not made the effort if I was her I’d be reassured I’d made the right decision for my son by moving him away and allowing him to call a man dad who actually gives a shit about him. He should have put his pride to one side and never mind his family not being happy about it he has responsibilities he needed to step up to at the time and he still has the chance to try and put things right. I feel sorry for the child to be honest.

Drum2018 · 06/09/2019 22:10

Do not message her. It's not your place to do so. He's lied about having a child so who knows what else he's lying about with regards to their relationship. If he wants to have a relationship with his son he has to take steps to do that - you don't. You can encourage him but ultimately it's his decision. If he decides it's too much effort to see his existing child, I'd be thinking very hard about planning to have kids with him.

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 22:11

You need to let it sink in first before you even consider messaging her, you only found out yesterday.

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 22:21

And if you did stay with him and had a baby and pretended this little boy never existed it will swallow you whole. Every Xmas/birthday/Easter/future occasions you’ll think about him even if it’s just for a split second and what he’s doing, if he’s happy.. and what it would be like if he was there to share the day with you. And he may well come knocking on your door in 20 years time asking for his dad. Would you want to your own kids knowing you’ve kept them away from their brother?

Sorry to post so many times but I do feel quite strongly about this. Brings back memories for me and I know I made the right decision leaving

Original poster

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 22:33

I told him to message her and he said he cant because she would just block him so he wouldn't know what he's doing or what he looks like etc.

Or she would refuse to let him see him.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 06/09/2019 22:34

He doesn't know if he's on the BC as he only saw him a few times.

The birth certificate is a matter of public record. It's not exactly simple, but you can search the register if you know the approximate location.

He could get a copy of his son's birth certificate.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 06/09/2019 22:37

He's making excuses. "He calls another man dad" how on earth would he know this if the story about him having no idea where they are/what they're doing etc is true?
Either he's trying to put you off TTC with him (especially the "forget I mentioned it" comment. People don't "accidentally" tell you about their other child out of the blue and why has this only just come up?) or he ran off on the mother. Either way, I don't think he's going to do things better when he's already written off his 3/4 year old.

DoctorAllcome · 06/09/2019 22:42

I’m not sure I agree this is a massive problem.
My DH was told by a gf that her child was his. But he wasn’t on the BC and she’d told her new bf the baby was his too. Gf decided to cut DH out of her life & he respected that.
Your situation sounds similar. The child has a father. Your partner did not abandon a child for all intense purposes.
So, I think it’s positive he wants to be a father with you and is ready now. People change a lot in 2-3yrs not everyone matures like molasses on a January day.
I don’t advise contacting the ex-gf, why do that to yourself?

DoctorAllcome · 06/09/2019 22:49

“And if you did stay with him and had a baby and pretended this little boy never existed it will swallow you whole. Every Xmas/birthday/Easter/future occasions you’ll think about him even if it’s just for a split second and what he’s doing, if he’s happy.. and what it would be like if he was there to share the day with you. And he may well come knocking on your door in 20 years time asking for his dad”

All I can say is that the above is a hypothetical fantasy. My situation is/was similar to yours. Honestly, I don’t think about it or the possible other child at all. Only thinking about it now ‘cause of this thread! Biologically, the child could be my DHs, but so what? The child has had a step father since birth and it’s the person that raises you that matters more than DNA anyway.

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 22:51

IMO if she wanted to close all lines of contact she would have blocked him on every single social media platform she could. The fact she’s left this Instagram page open posting pictures of the little lad that are easily accessible says to me that she has not closed the door on him.

I don’t think she would have simply forgot to block him from Instagram because if I was her it would be important to me that my ex would not be able to see pictures of his son and/ or have my profile open.

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 22:52

That’s where we differ then I suppose. Father or not i would always think about the what ifs

Original poster

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 22:53

And I'm thinking should I tell his parents because they keep asking when am I going to get pregnant with there first grandchild (he's an only child) as a joke though (I think).

OP posts:

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 22:56

Defo let him tell the parents. It’s not your place

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 06/09/2019 22:56

You have been with him two years and he hasn't mentioned the fact he has a child to you or anything to do with this until you are talking about actually having a child together I'd be more concerned with the fact he hadn't told you than contacting the mother if this doesn't scream red flag I don't know what does, as for him and the child that's his business to sort how he sees fit (most likely nothing will come of it it's been years already) common sense he didn't tell his own family about the baby he dosent know the day child was born I could go on and on but maybe the mother is partly responsible for why he dosent see his son maybe his story is a load of cobble and he just never bothered he is hugely responsible for why he dosent see his child or help support the child and it's not up to you to sort his responsibilities out that's his

nanbread · 06/09/2019 22:56

Tbh I'd want to hear the story from someone else, the mother or perhaps family member, who knows whether he's telling the truth? In my admittedly limited experience, most mums try hard to get and keep the dad involved - unless they're a piece of shit.

DoctorAllcome · 06/09/2019 22:56

So, if a woman has put a baby up for adoption because she was young and immature, would you advise her bf not to ttc with her because she didn’t fight for her kid? Abandoned her kid? Because 4yrs “isn’t enough time to mature”? Would you say to the bf “run like the wind” or “zero tolerance”?
I think there is a serious lack of understanding how messy real life can be and that sometimes letting go can be as much an act of love as hanging on.

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 23:06

But the child wasn’t put up for adoption in this instance, they had a child together split up she moved away he met someone else and didn’t tell her he had a son until now on the back of the ttc discussion.

I’d be asking myself what else is he hiding, what else can he not possibly tell her? What else does he feel he can’t tell her or his family for that matter because he doesn’t want to upset them. What about his son and the mother that he’s upset? They don’t matter because they are now out of sight out of mind? Come on.

novasglowx · 06/09/2019 23:08

So he could be a parent who didn't really bother getting involved? Plus he kept it from you?
Red flags all over the place.
It's not your place to involve yourself as a result of finding this out.
It's on him, his lack of effort doesn't give you the right to wade in here. I'd be out of there like a shot in these circumstances.

User344772734481882445 · 06/09/2019 23:08

He didn't tell his family because they wouldn't have been happy (he was young and they weren't married).

He is still young and unmarried, and you are planning on ttc with him? Will his family be aware of your child?

I don't know you and I don't know him, but unless there is an urgent need to get pregnant right now, I'd wait til you've been together a few more years and fully fully know each other and commit to the long term.

Heartburn888 · 06/09/2019 23:09

Real life can be messy I agree and have lived it first hand but it’s how you deal with these situations and that is what matters imo.

User344772734481882445 · 06/09/2019 23:09

and I'm really curious as to why she won't let him see her or the child and moved far away.

Runkle · 06/09/2019 23:12

Nevermind messaging the mother or telling his parents. This is between you and him. You need to decide whether you want to be in a relationship with this man.

Mummyoftwo91 · 06/09/2019 23:19

He kept a child from you for years wtf

Original poster

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 23:20

Yes his parents will know about baby if we have one together.

He said he's tried so hard to 'forget' but he can't and wants to see him. But he won't message her.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread