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Original poster

To not know what to do?

82 replies

Dataffee · 06/09/2019 21:11

So I posted about this today but I accidentally deleted my login.

So I'll make this long story short.

So yesterday me and DP were talking about ttc but then he said something like I hope to be a proper dad this time. I asked him what he meant and he said nothing and to forget he said anything. He told me this morning that when he was 19/20 he had a son (now he would be 3/4) but his ex stopped him from seeing his son and moved away with her new boyfriend

He said he didn't tell me because he doesn't see his son anyway and his son probably calls someone else dad anyway

From my advice earlier I'm rethinking my plans to ttc

Advice?

OP posts:
IsobelRae23 · 06/09/2019 23:27

If he wanted to see his son, he would be moving oceans to see him.

He’s giving you excuse after excuse after excuse. Wake up and smell the coffee!!

Original poster
Dataffee · 06/09/2019 23:36

He said he might message her tomorrow but doesn't know what to write

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2019 23:41

Tell him you won't think for one instant of TTC until he proves that he can be a good father to the child he already has. Whether or not the child's mother wants him in the child's life is immaterial at this stage. He is the child's father and he has responsibilities, not the least of which is to pay maintenance, even if it's only £10 per week if that's all he can afford.

Maybe she'll block him, maybe she won't. But he won't know unless he tries. And saying 'she'll block me' is no excuse for not trying.

Don't message her and don't tell him parents. But tell him that if he doesn't do both, your relationship is at an end. If you can't trust him to do right by the child he has, then you can't trust him to do right by the child you may have.

ThatCurlyGirl · 06/09/2019 23:57

I'm tempted to message her off my account but not sure.

Sorry why on earth would you message her? I don't understand what good could come of that and it would overstep boundaries a crazy amount!

He has a kid he doesn't see and has no relationship with the mum either. He's lived by out of sight out of mind. He kept this from you for the duration of the relationship.

It's up to you whether you want to stay together and TTC. I wouldn't want to but I know some of my friends would as similar has happened to them.

It's a personal decision you need to make OP but contacting the ex yourself would be totally inappropriate.

lyralalala · 07/09/2019 00:05

Please don't encourage him to get in touch with his son.

Every girlfriend my ex had, especially his now ex wife, encouraged him. So he'd bound into my daughters lives full of enthusiasm and wanting to be a Dad promising changes and committment. That enthusiasm lasted precisely as long as each relationship. The only people that suffered when he then disappeared again are my girls.

If he wants to be a Dad he would have done something about it. He would know what day his child was born. He would have told his family and friends. And, crucially, he would have told you earlier than a slip of the tongue when talking about ttc.

He won't want you to message her because I bet you she has a very, very different story to his.

I know several men who play the "my ex left, I wanted to be a Dad, but she won't let me" card. I can think of five of them off hand that I've met over the years. I know of one who has almost bankrupted himself with court costs and private investigators to actually try and make it happen. One.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 00:07

OP I seriously feel there’s a big chunk of the story regarding him not having contact with his son is missing....

Something just doesn’t quite add up.

He said he doesn’t know where the son is or where that have moved to - yet still he has access to the mother on social media !?!

He apparently wants to see his son but has made no effort to do so ??

He didn’t tell his parents because him and said ex wasn’t married !?! Come on - this is 2019 ! As traditional as his family may be; this isn’t the 1800’s where having a child out of wedlock is a capital crime !

And this was only 3/4 years ago !?!
How much more ‘mature’ does he really think he is now !?!

Ditch him ! He sounds like a liar. And I can guarantee the longer your with him, more and more secrets will start to unravel.

Run !

CTRL · 07/09/2019 00:09

And don’t message his ex - there’s no need and you will look insecure and desperate.

I also think that would be crossing boundaries as you have no right and quite honestly no reason to contact her.

If there’s any doubt in your mind; follow your gut instinct and 🏃‍♀️!

RuggerHug · 07/09/2019 00:10

Run like hell.

ThatCurlyGirl · 07/09/2019 00:13

EVERYTHING @lyralalala said - bang on.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 07/09/2019 00:21

Everything I said earlier and what Lyra said I know a mother this happensto quite a bit how her children's father is only ever interested when gf's encourage it and soon as relationship ends so does him having a relationship with the children it got to be on his on accord and because he genuinely wants to be a responsible parent to his child not to make the effort to please someone else stay out of it altogeather and leave it up to him and tell him that and just concentrate on your relationship and that he's hid this from you and his family and what sort of guy are you really with here....

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 07/09/2019 00:32

This man is not open or honest enough to have a child with.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 07/09/2019 00:33

Or even a relationship tbh.

Original poster
Dataffee · 07/09/2019 10:27

He said he would tell his parents if he started seeing his son.

And he said he might message her but doesn't know what to write

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 07/09/2019 10:39

Op either 1) he contacts the child and becomes a good father and you have future together.

  1. he contacts the child and is a crap father and you walk away too.

  2. He does not contact the child and you walk away and end the relationship.

  3. he does not contact the child and you go on to have a future together but racked with guilt/what ifs and it ruins your relationship eventually.

  4. he does not contact the child and you continue your relationship and you don't give a damn.

Only you know which one you may be.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 10:42

OP If he kept a secret as great as having a CHILD then I can guarantee he has a whole plethora of lies and secrets you will accidentally find out aswell

Hederex · 07/09/2019 10:47

I would wait. This is an absolutely enormous secret to keep from someone you are close enough to to be considering a child.

I wouldn't get in touch yourself at this point. I'd talk about it and see how the dust settles.

He and I am assuming you are both still very young. This would make me think twice about the relationship, let alone conceiving a child, so give yourself some time.

Original poster
Dataffee · 07/09/2019 13:08

Yes I'm rethinking ttc for now.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2019 15:12

I should certainly think so!

And it appears that you are rather young (early 20s?). You have loads of time to find a responsible man who will be a good and involved father and a good and involved partner.

Remember that having a baby with a man creates a tie to him for the rest of your life. Even if they aren't involved, there is the fear that they are going to pop up and disrupt the life you have built for yourself and your child, as is happening now with his son. Is this 'boy' (because that is what he is) really someone you are going to want to be tied to? Is he really someone you will want your child to look up to, or long for? Think very carefully.

shinynewapple · 07/09/2019 20:42

I wouldn't push him to contact his ex tbh. It sounds as if she's settled into a new relationship with a man that her DS sees as his daddy. If your DP had really wanted a relationship with his child, he would have done something by now. He really shouldn't be trying to get back into this child's life to prove something to you. That isn't fair on anyone.

What is telling to me is that he didn't tell his parents. As pp says above, this is 2019. It's unlikely he would be cut off from the family for becoming an unmarried teenage father. As the mother of an older teen myself I would only be angry to find out that my son had fathered a child and not supported the child's mother. I bet the reason he hasn't told his parents is because they would have expected him to show some responsibility.

From everything you've said I don't think that this young man would make a great father to your child either. He seems full of excuses and no responsibility.

eladen · 07/09/2019 21:07

He said he's tried so hard to 'forget' but he can't and wants to see him. But he won't message her.

Bullshit.

Why the rush to get pregnant with this person who you clearly do not really know at all?

And why didn't you ask him why it was a problem for him to have a child outside of marriage then but is totally fine now? Come off it.

Original poster
Dataffee · 08/09/2019 08:26

@eladen

He thought it would be a problem. But now it won't because his parents are asking when we are going to have a baby.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 08/09/2019 08:36

Why on earth are you posting first about contacting the child’s mother, then about telling his parents?

Either you are massively controlling or he’s pathetic and you’re too used to take the mother position with him.

My husband had a child when he was 17, who was adopted, three weeks into dating 30 years later - he told me outright and deliberately. This sly one has a child 1-2 years before he met you, and it took him 2 years to tell you, by accident?

Run, physically away from him. And run from poking your nose into other people’s affairs, contacting her, telling them...

AlwaysCheddar · 08/09/2019 08:40

I’d walk away from him .... he’s done something awful ... abandoned his kid. Not even atempted yo see him. Ltb

Ellapaella · 08/09/2019 08:57

Things like this always come out in the wash eventually. I just feel sorry for the poor child caught in the middle.
If you have a child with this man you will always be wondering and thinking about whether there is a half brother out there and it'll eat you up. It's not fair of him to ask you to keep this secret either, that in itself is incredibly selfish.

zxcvhjkl · 08/09/2019 09:00

Do not encourage him to contact the ex or contact her self. You don't know what has gone on before and even if his version of events is entirely accurate. He is clearly deceptive and a liar. Contact isn't your problem to sort out for him. As PP's have said if he wanted contact he could have arranged it and gone to court. If you have encourage him, bribe him or force him to do it he isn't doing it for the right reasons.

Do not TTC with this boy. He is a boy, not a man. He has avoided his responsibilities and is clearly very immature. He has abandoned one child and if he's done it once he can do it again.

LTB.

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