Can you 'spoil' baby?

[Notagainsusan]

I know you can't literally 'spoil' a baby but I'm after some advice.

My son is 10 weeks. I ebf and do it on demand. I also offer him a feed if he is crying as it settles him quickly and is a comfort to him. I tend to let him sleep on me on a night until I go to bed (usually about 12) at which point he goes into his next2me crib and sleeps well. He wakes maybe once or twice a night, has a feed and generally sleeps until 10 (from midnight).

During the day he is happy to lie on his play mat and look at his mobile, sometimes I will lie with him and other times I potter about doing housework etc around him. He also goes in his pram usually about 4pm so i can sort stuff out and he will either sleep or hay lie looking about.

If he fusses I'll sometimes let him shout for a few mins (say if I'm doing the dishes or something) but if he cries I will pick him up straight away.

My dm says I'm making a rod for my own back and that I need to stop jumping to him so much and offering him a feed so often?

I feel like he's a happy, thriving, smiley baby and that he's doing just fine. If he wakes in his pram or stirs he tends to settle himself back to sleep and he rarely cries. When I say he rarely cries my mum says that's because I stop him before he has the chance?

I don't know if I'm doing this whole thing right, I'm just doing my best and it seems to be working for us. I'm going back to work next year (July) and I don't want it to be harder for him than it has to be so that worries me!

I also haven't left him with anyone other than his dad yet. And never for more than an hour (although dh has him on a morning for a few hours sometimes so I can have a nice sleep or bath!).

Aibu?

No you can't.

I used to hold mine when they were sleeping when they were small too and they were both bottle fed and fed on demand

No what you are doing sounds perfect 👌🏻

One of the first things the HV told me when DS was born was that you cannot spoil a baby, it's impossible. Babies cannot emotionally manipulate so if they are crying, it is for a reason. To not respond to them is callous imo. If your baby rarely cries (same here), you're obviously not doing anything wrong. Your Mum is from a different generation but I do find it odd she wants your baby to cry .

I have had the same rhetoric from my own Mum fwiw, she has also always said I'm 'making a rod for my own back' by holding my babies a lot. It's nonsense, I have four pretty well adjusted DC so...

It sounds like you are doing a great job 🙂

About the routine, we tried to put our DD into a night time routine from about 4 months (as I read that's what you're 'supposed' to do). It didn't really work for us so after several stressful weeks with me spending hours in a darkened room on my own trying to get her to sleep at the 'right' time, we went back to what we were doing (holding her, letting her sleep on me when she wanted, and all of us going to bed at the same time).

I really stressed myself out over it as I thought I was creating a rod for my own back not having her in a routine, and had several miserable weeks as a result. I know it works for some people, but go with what works for you! Dd is now 9 months and goes to bed fine in her own cot most nights. It'll happen when they're ready 🙂

You can't spoil a baby.

The phrase 'rod for your own back' should be banned from discussion about babies, it's only ever used by older women trying to tell today's mothers to ignore their instincts.

What can happen is that you give babies a set expectation of what will happen, eg they start to expect boob or cuddle when they wake up. Nothing wrong with that and you can change the expectation quickly if you want to do things differently. Which is basically what sleep training is.

Older women were told to feed 10 mins every 4 hours. I think they feel defensive about younger mothers making out they were neglecting their babies when they were just following the advice of their day. Nobody wants to be told they didn't give their baby enough attention.

I constantly held mine as newborns as they cried if I put them down. At 5, 4 and 7 months they are now all fully capable of being put down . Older two are very independent, didn’t have any issues with starting nursery/school etc. 7 month old now goes to bed in his own cot, can amuse himself playing on the floor for decent periods, naps in his cot, is happy with other people...

This infuriates me because while I was in hospital after just having my baby, heatched beautifully.

Then the hearing test lady came round but every time I unlatched him he cried and she told me I had spoiled my baby. Who was hours old at this time.

EBF babies should be fed on demand. Babies just want love. You're doing the right thing tending to him.

4 children, I've never once left them to cry. Breastfed natural term, co-slept. Never used a cot ever. They're now primary school age and secondary school age, wonderful sleepers - and no I'm not still rocking them to sleep at 13 years old.

Touch is building the brain - every time you respond to their needs you're doing a wonderful thing.

I hate the whole "rod for your own back" nonsense. It is entirely untrue and makes people question their instinctive need to comfort their baby. You comfort people when they're sad so it's baffling to me that you wouldn't comfort a baby who is crying.

Do what you feel is right for you and your child. It sounds as though your routine works well and your baby is happy. Crack on!

You are doing great, ignore your mum. Every time your baby cries out and you got to them you are building an attachment, something that is essential for their development.