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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you 'spoil' baby?

86 replies

Notagainsusan · 05/09/2019 23:55

I know you can't literally 'spoil' a baby but I'm after some advice.

My son is 10 weeks. I ebf and do it on demand. I also offer him a feed if he is crying as it settles him quickly and is a comfort to him. I tend to let him sleep on me on a night until I go to bed (usually about 12) at which point he goes into his next2me crib and sleeps well. He wakes maybe once or twice a night, has a feed and generally sleeps until 10 (from midnight).

During the day he is happy to lie on his play mat and look at his mobile, sometimes I will lie with him and other times I potter about doing housework etc around him. He also goes in his pram usually about 4pm so i can sort stuff out and he will either sleep or hay lie looking about.

If he fusses I'll sometimes let him shout for a few mins (say if I'm doing the dishes or something) but if he cries I will pick him up straight away.

My dm says I'm making a rod for my own back and that I need to stop jumping to him so much and offering him a feed so often?

I feel like he's a happy, thriving, smiley baby and that he's doing just fine. If he wakes in his pram or stirs he tends to settle himself back to sleep and he rarely cries. When I say he rarely cries my mum says that's because I stop him before he has the chance?

I don't know if I'm doing this whole thing right, I'm just doing my best and it seems to be working for us. I'm going back to work next year (July) and I don't want it to be harder for him than it has to be so that worries me!

I also haven't left him with anyone other than his dad yet. And never for more than an hour (although dh has him on a morning for a few hours sometimes so I can have a nice sleep or bath!).

Aibu?

OP posts:
fruitandbarley · 06/09/2019 00:14

You're doing fine, go to him when he shouts or whenever else you want to. I found my life a lot easier when I stopped trying to follow "rules" and expectations and went with the flow. Something can bother you if you stop worrying about it. Do whatever makes your life easiest.

I currently have a 8 week old, I (breast) feed on demand which is pretty often, and a lot of nights sit with him attached most of the evening grazing . He sleeps from early evening and wakes usually at 1am and 4am for a feed. I did exactly same with my daughter and she was a bit of a nightmare sleeper. Babies cannot be spoilt and they cannot manipulate you. In the long run they become more confident and secure if they know you're always there.

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:16

@TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt oh that's so lovely :-) a bit outing of my family are on here but I am also an auntie to two adopted children (boy and girl) who both had attachment issues because of the things you've described. They came into our family aged 1 and 5 and are the most perfect children you could imagine. Yes they have their struggles but they are loving and very much a part of our family now (4 years later!)

OP posts:
TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:34

That's so lovely to read! Without wanting to derail, things are hard for the parents right now as the realisation of parenting hits home. We (the immediate family) are doing our best to support and get them through the initial upheaval because what lies ahead is beautiful and adopted or biological, we all face struggles at some point (I certainly have) You just have to do the basics, love and security and the rest just works out.❤️

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:35

Give your baby a squish and sniff. Mine are 6 and 15 and it goes so fast ❤️

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:40

@Thejellybabymademedoit oh without a doubt the first few months were hard as a family. You second guess everything!! I remember DN making a comment at one point and I panicked he was referring to some form of abuse in his past but it turned out it was something from a cartoon! (Sorry I know that's vague I'm trying not be outing🤦🏻‍♀️) but so so so worth it in the long run! Like I say, we now have two happy well loved children who are more than aware that they have a whole family around them :-)

I'm currently giving my LO a cuddle :-) I worry so much about the bond we have already so I cherish every moment I can to just sit with him or lie together :-)

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 06/09/2019 00:42

You sound like an amazing mother OP xx

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:45

Thank you @FeeFee832 I won't lie I'm just muddling along 🙈 when I had him I was so ill we missed out on a lot of the first few days. He is so content to sleep in other peoples arms and give them smiles etc it sounds ridiculous but I worry he doesn't love me or hasn't bonded well with me so I try my best to give him everything I can and to try to make myself feel a bit better about it all! I know I'm being silly and I should be pleased he feels so secure with other people 😊 but he's still small and I'm desperate to get this parenting thing right for him!

OP posts:
areukiddingme · 06/09/2019 00:50

Such a long post for an obvious answer....no....

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:51

Regardless of what happened, you are his everything and you sound like a very lovely mummy ❤️

(and thank you for your reassuring words about my situation, it is very much appreciated x)

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:52

There's always one, eh! Hmm

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:54

@TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt well this is Aibu ;-)
Thank you :-)

Not a problem it's nice to help back after you helped me !

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 06/09/2019 00:54

Your DM is talking rubbish.

There is no way on earth that you can 'spoil' a baby by picking it up and comforting/feeding it as soon as it cries.

You are doing the absolute best thing for your baby.

Follow your instincts with this. When he cries it's his way of telling you he needs you. Knowing you come to him every time he cries will make him feel secure and secure babies are babies that thrive.

I had my babies in the 80s when even ebf babies were supposed to be fed on a 4 hourly schedule. Absolute nonsense. I ignored everything I was told I should be doing at the time and went with what made sense to me i.e. picking up my babies when they cried and feeding on demand.

Go with what makes sense to you and ignore your DM's out of date and unhelpful 'advice'.

SeaToSki · 06/09/2019 01:00

Ive had 4 dc and imho up until they have ‘found their hands’ they cant sooth themselves, so you have to sooth them. At about 16 weeks ish they are able to control their hands enough that they can suck a thumb or finger and self sooth and you can steer them towards that.

As your LO is still younger than that, not letting him get worked up into a state is the right way. A bit of a grumble can be ignored as they all moan a bit, but purposeful crying should always be soothed asap. If you leave it, they get into kore of a state and then its harder to sooth them. The only caveat it if they are a sleepy feeder in which case a good cry can wake them up enough to take a good feed.

The only advice is, that as you have a LO that will snuggle down on his own happily, encourage him towards that more often than not. If it isnt working one night, switch to the drape across the chest (the thing i miss the most about my babies) but maybe start to always try him in a moses basket on his own first. Encouraging good habits will be one of your biggest roles as he grows.

salsmum · 06/09/2019 01:06

I have a son of 35 so fit into the age group of a DM I'm sorry but spoiling baby by picking up to often seems more like my MIL generation... glad to say I brought my two DCs up as I saw fit ( just as she did). There was a paediatrician who was called Dr Benjamin Spock and he had very strict ( minimum contact) ideas of how to raise DCs and this was certainly evident in DH and his siblings when they were older MIL was very emotionally and physically distant from her DCs ( thankfully DH was a good dad). Babies cannot read books so just enjoy your DC and bring him up with love and what makes you both happy.

QueenEnid · 06/09/2019 01:09

There is no such thing as a rod when it comes to looking after your baby. Do whatever you need to do x

Grumpos · 06/09/2019 04:40

Nope, at that age all he needs is love security and food! (And all the practical bits but you get the gist!).
Sounds like you are a lovely mum and this is exactly the approach I have been taking and continue to take with my LO and he’s a dream the majority of the time!

In terms of the night time / sleep routine it sounds like you don’t really need to change anything if this works for you, for my LO he started to get tired around 8ish as he hit 10 weeks so I did put in a loose routine of getting him off to sleep in his Moses basket downstairs with me around 8ish so I could have a couple of hours tv and dinner without too much juggling. Then he was ready for a feed when I took us up to bed later on the night. It does mean baby will wake earlier but realistically you may want to bring in a more 7/7 8/8 routine at he comes towards 3-6 months. It’s just a suggestion and no means to say you shouldn’t just let baby drift off on you, I just found that when mine hit 4 months sleep regression it helped that I managed to get a few hours in the evening to myself first (I was actually going to sleep with him around 8ish to give myself a few hours rest before the constant waking Confused )

Congratulations anyway, you’re doing a great job!

Bibijayne · 06/09/2019 04:46

No. You're fine. Your DM is giving out of date (and wrong) advice.

Just tell her you're all good and happy as things are every time she says it.

AtlanticaBlue · 06/09/2019 04:46

OP they'll sleep with anyone at that age. I remember thinking to myself, it literally doesn't matter that i am me or that she came out of my body, she doesn't care! But in a few weeks or months depending on your baby, he'll start to reject all those hugs from others and really show you how attached he is to you / his dad, whoever is closest to him, and at that point you'll start to see how all the thing you're doing now have created this lovely attachment! You sound like you're doing fantastically.

TheSandgroper · 06/09/2019 04:47

You're doing well if you have a happy baby.

Can you start a routine? Yes, you can. I started a formal routine at 9 weeks. At about 4pm I went feed, bath (with dh while I had 20 lifesaving minutes in the kitchen), feed, story (with a book and everything) and bed. Feeding was 45 minutes per boob so took ages. DD took to it immediately. I wish I had started it earlier. We didn't change it for years as it worked for us.

It was never rushed and everyone knew what would happen when so that was good. Sort something out that works and get stuck in.

Jesaminecollins · 06/09/2019 04:47

@Notagainsusan

Enjoy your baby because they grow up too soon - my two are adults now and they are more trouble than when they were babies or even teenagers. I wish I could turn back the clock because I now realise when my children were little was the best time of my life.

IAmNotAWitch · 06/09/2019 04:54

Nope. Mine are older now and I am so glad I ignored all of the advice to put them down and let them cry etc.

Both are independent outgoing excellent kids who never want me to snuggle them anymore. 😁

Do what works.

Jesaminecollins · 06/09/2019 04:58

@IAmNotAWitch

I agree - I have been told I am a witch btw

Spanglyprincess1 · 06/09/2019 05:10

God my sister who is a year older than me.. Mid 30s...spouts this nonsense to me and did about ds. It was very upsetting to keep being told your doing it wrong when your exhausted and doing everything you can to keep baby happy and safe.
Your doing grand. If baby is content and loved and safe then crack. On. Everyone does it different. They cry because they want or need something and they can tell you.
I fed on demand and cuddled. To. Sleep and ds was a nightmare sleeper. He's now 14mthand in his own room and is a very happy little boy. Please don't let your dm worry you xx
Congrats on your lo

iwunderwhy · 06/09/2019 05:23

Its impossible to spoil a 10-month old baby. Spoiling a child is when they're able to understand manipulation and they're own power which is later toddler years. What you're doing is filling your child up with safety, security and LOVE. You're being a super mum and the evidence is in front of you... baby can't lie. Maybe the conversation should be why your man is so threatened by your baby connection. Is he really that old fashioned, or is he envious, or is he really just campaigning for his old sex life and he feels baby's in the way??! Confused

iwunderwhy · 06/09/2019 05:29

Oops sorry read DM as DH so please scratch the last sentence. My friend had similar tale and it was her hubby and I think it stuck in my mind.

Tell your dm you can't spoil a 10 month and old and you're going to give him all the love he can possibly take... every day you're going to fill up his little engine, because when you have to leave him for work and you come home and his little face lights up when he sees you, you'll be glad you did it.

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