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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you 'spoil' baby?

86 replies

Notagainsusan · 05/09/2019 23:55

I know you can't literally 'spoil' a baby but I'm after some advice.

My son is 10 weeks. I ebf and do it on demand. I also offer him a feed if he is crying as it settles him quickly and is a comfort to him. I tend to let him sleep on me on a night until I go to bed (usually about 12) at which point he goes into his next2me crib and sleeps well. He wakes maybe once or twice a night, has a feed and generally sleeps until 10 (from midnight).

During the day he is happy to lie on his play mat and look at his mobile, sometimes I will lie with him and other times I potter about doing housework etc around him. He also goes in his pram usually about 4pm so i can sort stuff out and he will either sleep or hay lie looking about.

If he fusses I'll sometimes let him shout for a few mins (say if I'm doing the dishes or something) but if he cries I will pick him up straight away.

My dm says I'm making a rod for my own back and that I need to stop jumping to him so much and offering him a feed so often?

I feel like he's a happy, thriving, smiley baby and that he's doing just fine. If he wakes in his pram or stirs he tends to settle himself back to sleep and he rarely cries. When I say he rarely cries my mum says that's because I stop him before he has the chance?

I don't know if I'm doing this whole thing right, I'm just doing my best and it seems to be working for us. I'm going back to work next year (July) and I don't want it to be harder for him than it has to be so that worries me!

I also haven't left him with anyone other than his dad yet. And never for more than an hour (although dh has him on a morning for a few hours sometimes so I can have a nice sleep or bath!).

Aibu?

OP posts:
Pinkdoor · 05/09/2019 23:57

No you can't. The end.

DramaAlpaca · 05/09/2019 23:58

You are doing just fine, following your instincts.

Your DM is a different generation, times have changed. Keep doing things your way.

And no, you can't spoil a baby.

nokidshere · 05/09/2019 23:58

No you can't.

StinkyWizleteets · 05/09/2019 23:59

No you can’t spoil a baby. You can tend to it’s needs, show it love and make it feel secure. If that’s spoiling it then carry on doing what you’re doing.

My mother goes on about spoiling my son and rods for backs etc... I’m happy with my choices.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 05/09/2019 23:59

No you cant.

If you're happy and baby is happy, you're doing something right.

"Opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one"

JustMe81 · 05/09/2019 23:59

No you can’t. Look up the 4th trimester, you’re all your baby knows. Don’t feel guilty about not leaving him with other people and not letting him get upset, there’s no need for either of those things to happen just now.

ShrinkWrap · 05/09/2019 23:59

He is only 10 weeks! He needs responsive parenting and knowing his needs will be met.

Sounds like you are doing amazingly

But your mum needs to wind her neck in and stop regurgitating ideas from 100 years agora

Giraffe888 · 06/09/2019 00:00

Nope! My DS is 7 weeks and you sound very much like how I am with him. I feed him in demand and don’t leave him to cry either. I read a lot about the fourth trimester x

bellmadboo · 06/09/2019 00:00

Not at all. You are bonding and it's a magical beautiful thing. Anyway you have to find things out for yourself. I did let my dd2 sleep in my bed from age of 1 due to OCD but managed to get her out at 3 lol you sound like a lovely maternal mummy! It's your baby your choices.

pikapikachu · 06/09/2019 00:00

This shouldn't be in AIBU.

You're doing the right thing even though you probably can't see it. Our mothers were taught to parent differently- feeding on a schedule, crying to sleep etc

I'm a parent of teens and can assure you that giving him al the hugs and milk he needs now won't turn him into a clingy child later. He's tiny and the world is big and scary. Google 4th Trimester

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/09/2019 00:00

No you can’t

BlackeyedGruesome · 06/09/2019 00:00

You are doing a great job.

Start ignoring your mum a bit. After all, she thinks this I ok. Wink

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:01

Thanks all :-)

So I'm okay going to him straight away? I like to think that because I do that he feels more secure that his mummy is always there if needed and so he's happier to feel safe when he's in his pram etc 🙈

Did any of you start doing a routine for bed time this early? I don't know if I should have started that either. Like I say atm he just lies on me asleep until I go to bed and then he's in his crib. He tends to signal he's tired at about 8/9 and I just give him a cuddle or a feed till he drifts off.

OP posts:
ParrotsForLife · 06/09/2019 00:02

I’m you’re doing the right thing.
Your baby cries because he needs you, your job is to tend to him. At that age I had DS taking all his naps on me.

Make a rod for your own back, use it to support your voice and convictions and continue to follow your instincts.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:03

Just to say, anyone reading who has a similar aged baby but who FF and puts baby down rather than let's them sleep on them, same stands - if you're happy and baby is happy then it's all good.

You do what you need to meet baby's needs, don't forget you are important to. Don't hold yourself to others standards.

wine and emotional sorry

LightDrizzle · 06/09/2019 00:03

No you can’t.
If you don’t respond to a baby when it is hungry, thirsty, anxious, overwrought, scared, ill, the only thing it is learning is that it is not safe. It will be flooded with stress hormones, and if that happens repeatedly and excessively it can lead to permanent damage.
Babies have very limited ways to communicate and very high needs. Human babies are hopeless!
You are doing the right thing. Your instincts are right.

FadedRed · 06/09/2019 00:04

I feel like he's a happy, thriving, smiley baby and that he's doing just fine.
I'm just doing my best and it seems to be working for us

It sounds like you are both happy and doing well. Yes, things will change before you go back to work but July is a long time away yet, so just keep on doing what you are doing.

SeaBear11 · 06/09/2019 00:04

It sounds like you’re doing really well. You can’t spoil a baby, especially as young as yours. If you tend to him quickly as you are doing, you are actually making him much more secure, so he will be a happier, more settled baby and toddler in the future. Leaving him to cry will have the opposite effect. As time goes on you may want to gently work towards a more established feeding routine so that you can maybe cheer him up in other ways than breastfeeding if you are confident he’s not hungry, but there is plenty of time for that. Again, it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

ParrotsForLife · 06/09/2019 00:04

I popped DS down for the evening in a Moses basket downstairs with me and then just took him up with me when I went to bed. Once he was about 7-8 mo then I started a ‘bedtime routine’ when he went to bed upstairs (he was in my room til 18m) after his evening feed and a story and a cuddle.

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:05

Oh completely agree about the FF. I don't understand why new mums judge each other so much. Yes I am successful at bf but that has been pure luck on my part! I had no clue what I was doing I was just very lucky that it worked for me!

I'm of the opinion you're feeding your baby vodka or something equally 😳 then it's none of my business!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2019 00:05

Your mother is an idiot, and no, YOU CAN'T SPOIL A BABY.

Sorry for "screaming" but the very idea of this is absolutely fucking absurd.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:06

Responding straight away reassures him that you're there. You're meeting his needs.

Just enjoy him. Smile and nod at anyone with unwanted advice. You're doing a great job.

Original poster
Notagainsusan · 06/09/2019 00:07

Thank you everyone for the lovely kind words :-) I feel a lot more confident now to tell my mum (lovely but opinionated 😂) that this is how I'm doing things :-)

OP posts:
TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:12

I've recently become an aunt. The child is adopted. I'm so in love and I've not properly met them yet. This child had none of their needs met. They were left in a playpen, siblings had to feed and care for them. They rarely had cuddles.

This child has and will continue to have attachment issues. An extreme example, but an explanation as to why I'm a bit emotional this evening.

Attachment is so important. You can be a baby wearer or a parent with 3 other kids to run around after... Or anything and everything in between. As long as you respond and meet their needs and give them love, you can't go wrong. There is no rod. There is no spoiling. It is love, it creates a secure attachment.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 06/09/2019 00:13

Pfft you could be a baby wearer AND have 3 other kids to run around after.

Did I mention the wine...? 😂🍷