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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you 'spoil' baby?

86 replies

Notagainsusan · 05/09/2019 23:55

I know you can't literally 'spoil' a baby but I'm after some advice.

My son is 10 weeks. I ebf and do it on demand. I also offer him a feed if he is crying as it settles him quickly and is a comfort to him. I tend to let him sleep on me on a night until I go to bed (usually about 12) at which point he goes into his next2me crib and sleeps well. He wakes maybe once or twice a night, has a feed and generally sleeps until 10 (from midnight).

During the day he is happy to lie on his play mat and look at his mobile, sometimes I will lie with him and other times I potter about doing housework etc around him. He also goes in his pram usually about 4pm so i can sort stuff out and he will either sleep or hay lie looking about.

If he fusses I'll sometimes let him shout for a few mins (say if I'm doing the dishes or something) but if he cries I will pick him up straight away.

My dm says I'm making a rod for my own back and that I need to stop jumping to him so much and offering him a feed so often?

I feel like he's a happy, thriving, smiley baby and that he's doing just fine. If he wakes in his pram or stirs he tends to settle himself back to sleep and he rarely cries. When I say he rarely cries my mum says that's because I stop him before he has the chance?

I don't know if I'm doing this whole thing right, I'm just doing my best and it seems to be working for us. I'm going back to work next year (July) and I don't want it to be harder for him than it has to be so that worries me!

I also haven't left him with anyone other than his dad yet. And never for more than an hour (although dh has him on a morning for a few hours sometimes so I can have a nice sleep or bath!).

Aibu?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2019 05:33

These posts pop up far too often. You are doing fine. With regard to breastfeeding on demand and putting to the breast as much as possible is essential especially in the early months.

My dd was all over the place with sleep / wake by 8 weeks and very unhappy, me too. I had no idea what to do as I was run ragged with her sleep and was hardly sleeping for 24 hours then sleeping too much the next with a normal day in between then repeating the cycle. I was advised to follow Gina ford by someone (I know she is very marmite) to get dd into a routine and it worked like a dream for her.

It sounds as if you’ve managed to get your ds into a routine, which works for you so all fine. It sounds as if you’re doing really well. Enjoy those baby snuggles!

Dipi · 06/09/2019 05:43

I was told I held twin 2 too much, that I didn't hold twin 1 enough. I was told not to EBF. I was 'told' so much...wish I'd told then to fuck off.
I held Twin 2 all the time, as it's what she wanted. Twin 1 liked being left alone.
At 19 months, both my twins adore me, but Twin 1 spontaneously shows me affection with random hugs (she's not a tactile kid, but we love each other) and Twin 2 hangs off me.
You've got this. You know your child.
Xxxx

Sayhellotothethings · 06/09/2019 05:44

I hate it when people say this to new mum's. I get shamed for it too, even by people the same age as me who are happy to let a newborn 'cry it out' for 20 mins. IMO this is neglect. Your baby's only way to communicate is through crying and needs to know mumma is there!

Routine wise, I waited for one to naturally happen. LO used to come up to bed with us at 10pm but at about 11 weeks started getting tired at 8pm. So 8pm is now bed time, in her crib, and we watch her on a monitor. She listens to a musical toy thing and falls asleep in about 5 mins. Let it happen naturally and then bring forward as needed.

BunnyTeapot · 06/09/2019 05:46

You do what's right for you. I had the same comments from my DM.

It sounds like you're doing a great job, as long as you and baby are happy that is what's important. You cannot spoil a baby with love.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/09/2019 05:48

It's such a weird idea, that babies need to learn to be self sufficient as soon as possible. They really don't! It's so harmful to think like that. You are doing a brilliant job and carry on just as you are. You will know from your DS when it's time to put him down at bedtime etc.

Aannnaa · 06/09/2019 06:01

honestly I would have given my right arm to have a baby who slept so well. You can't 'spoil' a baby and every minute they sleep is a minute you get to sleep too - I have a relative who's son didn't sleep through the night until he was SEVEN - both she and her husband looked like zombies and it almost killed their marriage. So keep on doing what you're doing if it's working for you and fudge what anyone else thinks

Dipi · 06/09/2019 06:14

I would also like to add that, very selfishly, I left the twins to cry from 6 months occasionally, as I'm totally on my own and couldn't cope with sleep deprivation. I had PND. Not trying to excuse myself. Stop shaming Mums who need sleep etc. My twins are happy, relaxed and attached. 👌

Youseethethingis · 06/09/2019 06:15

My DS is nearly 9 weeks and I’m doing things the same as you, OP. As far As I’m concerned, tiny babies don’t need to be learning anything at this stage other than that mummy has their back and always will. Learning to be self sufficient and how the world works is for later on. Everything in stages IMHO.

My baby has only properly cried a few times in his life (every time seems to be concluded with a fart of epic proportions 😆) because I respond to his needs as I should. If he’s happy, I’m happy and not that interested in anyone else’s opinions or judgement.

You know your baby OP, carry on doing what you feel is right. And congratulations Flowers

Monkeymilkshake · 06/09/2019 06:50

My DM said the same to me - my dc was only 2 weeks old! I ignored her and you should too.
Babies need to have their needs met and at that age it's either a new nappy, a cuddle or milk. Not to be left alone to cry. What need does that meet?

You're doing fine. X

BeanBag7 · 06/09/2019 07:06

You and your baby are both happy with it so there is no need to change it. People will say you "should" do bedtime routines, letting them cry, whatever. But with a 10 week old the only thing you "should" be doing is whatever makes the two of you content.

ethelfleda · 06/09/2019 07:10

No you cant
Keep doing what you’re doing OP. Following your instincts.
I ebf on demand, Co-slept - carried in sling etc etc and my nearly two year old is one of the most confident little boys in his nursery. He is very resilient so it obviously hasn’t hurt him in anyway!

beingmum39 · 06/09/2019 07:17

My mum told me not to spoil my son giving him all my time , love and devotion. I told her I took a year off to do just that. He is now 7 months old and a very content happy baby, and even strangers come up to him and say how happy and and content he is. You can't spoil a baby , all they want is you and you're doing everything right. Flowers

GPatz · 06/09/2019 07:28

Just do what you do and don't be shamed, apologise or minimise it for anyone. You are not lucky, you are putting the hard work in and doing fine.

Minxmumma · 06/09/2019 07:31

Your baby, your rules. As long as you and he are happy then carry on and ignore the nonsense opinions.

No you can't spoil a baby, he is so young why shouldn't he have his Mum when he needs her.

barryfromclareisfit · 06/09/2019 07:40

Of course you can spoil a baby. You can leave it alone, leave it to cry, let it think no-one cares. That ‘spoils’ them, makes them hard, bitter, lonely and afraid.

You are doing a wonderful job as a mum. Don’t let anyone put you off. The rod I made for my own back, as I was told, is upstairs. I’m sitting in her kitchen, nearly forty years later.

Drogosnextwife · 06/09/2019 07:42

I did this with my second ds. I held him a lot, I picked him up everytime he cried. He was the clingiest child I've ever known. Everyone told me it was my own fault, that I had pandered to him, especially my dp. In hindsight, maybe if dp had actually taken care of him more, he may not have been a stuck on me. My first baby wasn't like that, surprisingly I raised him alone Hmm

SoyDora · 06/09/2019 07:45

I barely put mine down at that age 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 06/09/2019 07:56

You absolutely can't spoil a baby.

RebornFlame · 06/09/2019 08:01

You can’t spoil a baby. You can nourish their developing brain with love by responding to their needs.

Derbee · 06/09/2019 08:10

You absolutely can’t spoil a baby! Your DM is wrong and misinformed. The more you meet all of your baby’s needs, the more confident he’ll be and the easier he’ll settle when you go back to work.

You sound like you’re doing a great job. Have the confidence to tell your DM that this is how you’re doing things, and mummy knows best.

polkadotjersey · 06/09/2019 08:11

If it helps, I was (and still am) exactly the same with my daughter and she's now a happy, confident almost eight month old who has just coped amazingly with me going back to work. She's quite happy to go to her dad, granny or childminder for the day and I think a lot of it is because she's always felt secure that her needs will be met.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 06/09/2019 08:22

I think the remnants of the "spoil the baby" culture of strict routines and 4hr feeds from previous generations have quite a lot to do with poor breastfeeding retention rates in the UL

If you've made it past the first couple of months, but then have constant pressure from relatives telling you that you are wrong when you're vulnerable and exhausted, and the lure of better sleep because you know you've filled them up on a bottle, it takes a lot of strength to resist that. Parenting culture of the mid-20th century broke away from the natural systems that revolved around breast feeding.

Babies and breastfeeding supply thrive on following demand and picking up cues. For so many babies, routines don't mean much before 6 months because there are so many disruptions from development changes, and accepting phases like cluster feeding/ growth spurts is much easier than stressing that baby isn't following their routine as usual.

I do believe in "putting your own oxygen mask on first: though. Babies deserve happy mummies who meet their own basic needs of being hygienic, fed and watered, but for OP it doesn't sound like this is the case Smile

Enjoy baby. Reinforce that you and baby are well and happy, and this is what is advised if necessary.

Bearlyawake · 06/09/2019 08:51

You're fine, if what you're doing feels right and your baby is happy then keep going with it. My baby is 6 months old now, I spent the first few months of his life worrying that I was doing everything wrong and getting into a funk every time someone offered an opinion on my parenting. I slowly realised that there is no right way to do it and you just have to go with it! You can't spoil your baby, sounds like you're doing just fine Smile

Mumof2girlie · 06/09/2019 09:51

My kids are 6yrs and 10 months and I still respond to their every squeak instantly they both sleep well both eat well and are healthy happy well-behaved children. My health visitor and husband always used to tell me to let her cry etc and I always done it my way and it's corked so far. Your doing great at such a challenging time they are only little once cuddle them and enjoy every second Smile

Heartofglass12345 · 06/09/2019 10:23

You don't sound like you are running to him as soon as you hear a peep though. If he's crying and doesn't settle then he needs something, even if it's just to be picked up. I can see where she's coming from, but I bet she wouldn't leave him cry. You sound like you're not constantly holding him, which (IMO) is good as they get used to being on their own and entertaining themselves for a while as they get older, it makes it easier for you when you need to do things

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