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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell MIL a fake due date?

100 replies

virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 20:03

Next week is our first scan, and if all goes well we'll be sharing the news with MIL and family.
She has absolute form for making travel arrangements, booking hotels near us to visit on a whim even though its inconvenient to us, and then we have to end up getting cover for work etc to accommodate. With the birth of DC 1, she just inserted berself right into our business, telling the health visitor absolute garbage that she knew nothing about (which ended up me getting a row from HV totally undeservedly) , and booked his birth registration appointment on our behalf without asking, and not in his hometown which I wanted to do of my own accord, and in my own time. It was a horrible time for me due to a traumatic labour and she took away my agency and had no respect for my feelings.

She offers her two cents where it isn't wanted, to the point of where I ignore her messages/ phone calls on occasion (can't mentally be bothered) and left her WhatsApp group without explanation because she constantly uses it as a soapbox to tell everyone pointless, irrelevant things and treat us like children. She has been asked DOZENS of times to stop bringing bags of tat when she visits, to no avail.
We've gone done the route of telling her to cut it out and stop treating us like kids, but she just uses the 'only trying to help' card.
Compromising re arrangements with her is mentally exhausting because if something isn't doable on her terms then there has to be a War and Peace length discussion about it until I just crack and give in.

Anyway, would I be out of order giving her a due date thats 2-4 weeks later than the actual one? If I give her the real date she'll book her annual leave right when I'm due, and assume she's looking after DC1 whilst I'm in hospital and be in my house when I come back (she's not,) ... And I can't think of anything worse. When the LO is born we can say 'we wanted the due date to be a surprise' and it will allow us a few days grace period before the outlaws decend 😂 I know all of this sounds daft but I'm honestly dreading it all. I'm open to suggestions.

OP posts:

Joopy · 05/09/2019 20:06

My midwife told us to add 2 weeks to the due date, but be careful you'll have to tell everyone the false date.

Roozy123 · 05/09/2019 20:09

Be careful as you may go over your real due date and her be there lol.
I would just say we're not telling anyone the due date and leave it at that. She can't find out so.. Just leave it at that.

Also.... she sounds god awful lol.

newtlover · 05/09/2019 20:09

I think it's a good idea. I'd even add 3 weeks to the EDD.

WhatsMyPassword · 05/09/2019 20:10

booked his birth registration appointment on our behalf without asking, and not in his hometown

How did she do that ? You have to register births and deaths in the district they occur.

I hope you reported the HV - how did MIL have access to the HV?

All irrespective, she sounds hard work, I'd leave the country and go on the run.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2019 20:10

My first thought is why isn't your husband putting her in her place, and why are you constantly pandering to her?

She has absolute form for making travel arrangements, booking hotels near us to visit on a whim even though its inconvenient to us, and then we have to end up getting cover for work etc to accommodate.

No, you do not "have to" get cover for work, you chose to. You could have told her too bad, but we have to work. I agree she's obnoxious and manipulative, but it seems like you allow her to get away with it.

Tell her whatever date you want, but sort out your boundaries and get your husband off his arse.

Robs20 · 05/09/2019 20:12

I was say beginning/ end of x month (and not give a specific date at all)

Robs20 · 05/09/2019 20:12

*would say!

Original poster

virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 20:16

DC1 was 14 days exactly overdue.. So it would be just my luck for her to arrive on baby's birthday. Vague, mystery birthday is a good shout (we could be like 'We' re not fixating on a due date because it makes the wait overbearing especially if they're late' or such nonsense). DC1 was exactly 14 days over so kind of plausible. Plus we're not finding out the sex so it adds to the whole 'mystery theme'

OP posts:

Augend · 05/09/2019 20:17

Give yourself a good 4 weeks extra. Yanbu.

Twickerhun · 05/09/2019 20:19

I would definitely do this if your DH is on board with the plan. I almost feel like I know your MIL.

WishMyNameWasWittyNotShitty · 05/09/2019 20:19

We just told everyone the month our baby was due, and if anyone asked the date we just said 'sometime in ' sadly I saw other family members harassed when due date came as to whether there was any sign, any news etc, and I just didn't want to be batting people away or appearing rude if I didn't reply.

Maybe you could do that and be vague.

Congratulations!

Pardonwhat · 05/09/2019 20:21

So in other words your dreadful Mother in law takes too much interest and would hope she’d be helping with the care of her grandchild whilst you were in labour. What a bitch! I’d tell her the wrong year.

ArntNise · 05/09/2019 20:21

Add a month onto the due date just to be sure 😀
If you go all mysterious she will no doubt nag you or your DH until you give in...
You do what is right for you x
Congratulations too 💜💙

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 20:22

Put three weeks on the due date.

You'll have to adjust everything else, scans etc.

But start standing up to her.

TowelNumber42 · 05/09/2019 20:22

My goodness you give her so much power. Why? Why are her words so magic?

We've gone done the route of telling her to cut it out and stop treating us like kids, but she just uses the 'only trying to help' card.
So you tell her to stop, she says words to the effect she won't stop because she likes doing it and then, what? You write like that's the end point. She can say whatever she likes. You don't have to get someone to agree that you are correct before you can act the way you choose you know? She can be angry, pissed off, moaning for gold and you can ignore it and do precisely fuck all about it. Try it. It's brilliant.

Compromising re arrangements with her is mentally exhausting because if something isn't doable on her terms then there has to be a War and Peace length discussion about it until I just crack and give in.
Again, why in earth do you engage? You say what works for you then you stop interacting. You don't have to participate in someone pressurising you. You can walk away from chuggers on the street, you can hang up on scam phone callers, you can refuse to send that Nigerian Prince your bank details. All of them would talk to you for hours, explain why they are right and you are wrong until you let them rob your money. You don't engage though do you? You hang up, walk off, delete the email. You know you have to be rude and you have to ignore them to avoid being damaged. It's the same with MIL.

Sure lie about the date if you want. Tbh, I'd just gets the rows started now. Give her opportunities to clash with you and then use your new policy of being a firm stroppy cow when she tries to dominate you. Be top dog. By the time baby arrives she will be moaning to everyone about what a big mean hard ass you are but won't dare turn up because she will know that you are a big meanie who would definitely turn her away, leave her out on the street in the rain, not let her through the door, if she turns up uninvited having been told not to come.

Stop giving her power by playing her stupid dominance games of arguments. Words are noises that come out of people's faces. Some people's noises are worth engaging with. Hers are stupid hot air. You don't have to let her noises control your actions. It's a pressure wave travelling through the air. It has no power except what you give it. Ignore!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 20:23

YANBU I wish I’d told everyone I was due the following month to prevent all the “well, any babies yet?” from the nosey nebs.

nuggles · 05/09/2019 20:25

Your mil sounds very similar to mine. We've told her this baby is due 3 weeks later for some space. Last time she rang me 3 x a day asking if I've had a twinge or not - apparently she had so much to do because of a baby that is not hers.

Stick to your guns op. And congratulations!

Orchidflower1 · 05/09/2019 20:27

I know it seems awful and you’re having a bad time with your mil but.......

GET YOUR DH TO SORT HIS PITA MOTHER OUT.

It’s not your problem- she does not have to like you / you don’t have to like her but she is a problem that is exacerbated by your dh pandering to her! Complain about the enabler!

cacklingmags · 05/09/2019 20:28

You don't need the stress. Get your partner to rein her in a bit more and make her keep to your boundaries. Sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you.

Original poster

virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 20:28

@WhatsMyPassword somehow we were able to do it in a different county. His birth certificate states the correct place he was born. We were in her village because he was born at Christmas time and we were visiting family, I got health care transferred to the local health centre, and health visitor came over to her house whilst we were staying. Whilst I was undressing in the bedroom to be examined, HV was quizzing MIL about my eating habits and MIL was speaking of things of which she was not informed. HV was absolutely fucking out of order. I was 20, vulnerable and naive and I should have dealt with it differently and reported her but alas, I didn't and I've learned my lesson.

Regarding my DP, he does his best to manage her behaviour and tells her to stop interfering. But she is another level. Our way of coping is by establishing control where we can, we don't tell her facets of our life unless absolutely necessary. It's not just a case of laying down the law with words because it just does not work. Absolutely futile. My DP and I have had LOADS of arguments about her over the past 10 years, and it's just not worth it anymore.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 05/09/2019 20:28

Yanbu but you'll be in good company here to air your grievances. If there's one thing that unites all Mumsnetters is their utter contempt for MiLs. There are sometimes threads in which an OP writes that someone felt sorry for her for only having boys. Then threads like this appear and I understand.

PanamaPattie · 05/09/2019 20:29

Stop sharing any baby news with anyone. Keep the first scan details to yourselves. Don't engage. Don't give her information for ammunition. Take back the control. Toughen up now or you will just see a repeat of your last pregnancy.

Howlovely · 05/09/2019 20:31

@Pardonwhat - are you being deliberately obtuse? After everything the OP has written that's the only thing you get from it?

OP, definitely tell her a false date. Babies are quite rarely born on their actual due date so I don't think any explanation will be necessary anyway. Put your foot down with her this time, don't let her take the lovely 'firsts' away from you.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 20:35

HV was quizzing MIL about my eating habits

francienolan · 05/09/2019 20:36

I remember reading a news story years ago that Princess Victoria (in Sweden) told the press a due date a month later than all of her kids arrived so they wouldn't hound her around her actual due date. YANBU!

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