WIBU to tell MIL a fake due date?

[virginpinkmartini]

Next week is our first scan, and if all goes well we'll be sharing the news with MIL and family.
She has absolute form for making travel arrangements, booking hotels near us to visit on a whim even though its inconvenient to us, and then we have to end up getting cover for work etc to accommodate. With the birth of DC 1, she just inserted berself right into our business, telling the health visitor absolute garbage that she knew nothing about (which ended up me getting a row from HV totally undeservedly) , and booked his birth registration appointment on our behalf without asking, and not in his hometown which I wanted to do of my own accord, and in my own time. It was a horrible time for me due to a traumatic labour and she took away my agency and had no respect for my feelings.

She offers her two cents where it isn't wanted, to the point of where I ignore her messages/ phone calls on occasion (can't mentally be bothered) and left her WhatsApp group without explanation because she constantly uses it as a soapbox to tell everyone pointless, irrelevant things and treat us like children. She has been asked DOZENS of times to stop bringing bags of tat when she visits, to no avail.
We've gone done the route of telling her to cut it out and stop treating us like kids, but she just uses the 'only trying to help' card.
Compromising re arrangements with her is mentally exhausting because if something isn't doable on her terms then there has to be a War and Peace length discussion about it until I just crack and give in.

Anyway, would I be out of order giving her a due date thats 2-4 weeks later than the actual one? If I give her the real date she'll book her annual leave right when I'm due, and assume she's looking after DC1 whilst I'm in hospital and be in my house when I come back (she's not,) ... And I can't think of anything worse. When the LO is born we can say 'we wanted the due date to be a surprise' and it will allow us a few days grace period before the outlaws decend 😂 I know all of this sounds daft but I'm honestly dreading it all. I'm open to suggestions.

I agree you should extend by a month in case you are overdue.

@Pardonwhat are you for real? You mocked me first with the sarcastic 'what a bitch' comment! Don't dish it if you can't take it.

You're absolutely allowed to disagree with me.. In fact I was on the fence about whether it was okay or not to BS MIL. I came for advice. If the consensus was 'You shouldn't lie to your MIL' then I would have listened. Posters have told me to get a grip and stop being a doormat and take more tangible action. Which I will listen to. I'm not taking a hard line, I'm listening to everyone's dribs of advice but you're not really adding to the conversation.

Towel no 42, excellent post! Wish it could be a sticky on all Mil threads!

Op towel is right.... Don't engage, choose not to engage.

@Autumnwindy Yep, Towelno42s post was awesome

Honestly I wouldn't even tell her you're pregnant until the second scan, then give her a ( wrong) month ' due May'. If she gets annoyed just say you made a family decision to keep the actual date secret. Make sure your DH stands firm.

@Pardonwhat - why is it unfair to not tell the MIL an incorrect date?
Did you not read all the ridiculous, absurd, annoying, selfish and hurtful things she did around the birth of OP's first baby? Why should new parents have to deal with all that shit on top of a baby? Why do you believe the MIL's needs should come before the parents' and baby's?

I am pretty sure my Dil gave me a false due date for both my grandchildren and I was actually away when one of them was born. I think it is perfectly acceptable.
We were deliberately vague with ours, although two arrived early anyway.

You have every right to give a false date. Nobody, not even grandparents, have a right to know. (Of course in most cases there is no need to keep it from them and in most situations people are more than happy to share the information - but this is it most situations). If you don't want to outwardly lie then follow previous advice and be vague, but do make sure your husband is on board! I told my DP I didn't want visitors....and ended up with 6 people at once in HDU where they are only supposed to let 2 people on the ward at a time.

What's the due date? I'd be inclined to say:
Whenever the baby deems it necessary, or Drs decide otherwise.

I did it. Go for it :D. I added four.

tell her the due date of 4 weeks after. babies can be 2 weeks late

Hmm, I am planning to be vague about due date... I am expecting a baby due 4th April. I just thought though, the 12 week scan will show date of scan and "12w 2d" or whatever... Last time I gave my mum and MIL each their own scan pic. So they would have had loads of time to look at it and maybe figure it out. Or am I overthinking it?

I will have an ELCS so will actually have the baby end of March. I might not tell parents about this choice as I don't want to really discuss it tbh. Might just say "baby is due in April but don't want to fixate on the date as they are never right" (went 2 weeks over last time)

She sounds absolutely dreadful. I gave a very vague ‘sort of here by mid-June’ to my parents with my last one as they were unbelievably cruel about me having another baby (4th, you’re all welcome). For me it worked as they didn’t ask probing questions and when he arrived late May they were most surprised. I don’t know how that would work with your MIL from hell, OP. At least tell your HV, midwife, etc they should not discuss ANYTHING about you with her. They should know that anyway.

Mil seem to always overstep the line I know mine does also
Mine actually wanted to be in with me when I gave birth
They don't understand some people need space especially when they have just had a baby and having visitors is a pain in the arse at the best of times

Definitely do it! Do whatever you need to do

Wish I'd thought of that! Go for it! My husband's entire fucking family descended for the entire fucking day when our first baby was just a few days old - I was recovering from an emergency c.section & felt & looked like shit - I was not at all amused!!! I think back to it now, with a clear head & wonder why the hell I allowed it to happen??

@WhatsMyPassword booked his birth registration appointment on our behalf without asking, and not in his hometown

How did she do that ? You have to register births and deaths in the district they occur

That's the first thing I thought too! Two children here and both times you register them in the district they were born.
You can't register anywhere else
YANBU for wanting to keep a distance though, sounds very overbearing

I bet you've had rows because your dh won't stand up to her.
Well you just have to put up with it if he isn't going to stop her and if you aren't going to stand up for yourself.
There's no alternative.

@Rosesandraindrops Not in Scotland you don't. You can register in any office.

Nothing to add really, except if I turn out to be one of these interfering MIL someone, please shoot me!
Oh! And good luck with the baby.....whenever it’s due!🤪😂😂😂

@Drabarni, I have stood up for myself, on countless occasions. All these anecdotes aren't even the tip of the iceburg. Especially recently with the bank holiday thing which I gave a non negotiable 'No,' and didn't even try and compromise for a different date cos I had enough of her. But she goes back to her old ways so in order to self preserve and for minimal conflict, I minimise contact where possible (hence not telling her about baby when the rest of my family know). It's like trying to knock over a round bottomed skittle. I don't know what else to do other than take the advice from everyone and continue to kibosh her forceful arrangements and ignore her when I don't want to talk. I snapped and sent ACRES of text to her a couple of months ago about how I feel like she belittles, patronises and undermines me constantly, and of course it was met with denial and 'I think our wires are crossed.' Theres no point in engaging with her unless she physically starts trying to cross boundaries. She ultimately has no control.

I mean, of course if I told her the actual due date and she decided to book holidays and invite herself over, I'd say absolutely no way and tell her to cancel because the only people I want around for the first couple of days are my partner and who I've already asked to help look after my child. I wouldn't open the door to her.

But the whole idea with the false due date is for conflict minimisation, and a feeling of some control. I also don't want to be constantly under her microscope or to receive nuisance calls and texts when she should most definitely not be the focus.