WIBU to tell MIL a fake due date?

[virginpinkmartini]

Next week is our first scan, and if all goes well we'll be sharing the news with MIL and family.
She has absolute form for making travel arrangements, booking hotels near us to visit on a whim even though its inconvenient to us, and then we have to end up getting cover for work etc to accommodate. With the birth of DC 1, she just inserted berself right into our business, telling the health visitor absolute garbage that she knew nothing about (which ended up me getting a row from HV totally undeservedly) , and booked his birth registration appointment on our behalf without asking, and not in his hometown which I wanted to do of my own accord, and in my own time. It was a horrible time for me due to a traumatic labour and she took away my agency and had no respect for my feelings.

She offers her two cents where it isn't wanted, to the point of where I ignore her messages/ phone calls on occasion (can't mentally be bothered) and left her WhatsApp group without explanation because she constantly uses it as a soapbox to tell everyone pointless, irrelevant things and treat us like children. She has been asked DOZENS of times to stop bringing bags of tat when she visits, to no avail.
We've gone done the route of telling her to cut it out and stop treating us like kids, but she just uses the 'only trying to help' card.
Compromising re arrangements with her is mentally exhausting because if something isn't doable on her terms then there has to be a War and Peace length discussion about it until I just crack and give in.

Anyway, would I be out of order giving her a due date thats 2-4 weeks later than the actual one? If I give her the real date she'll book her annual leave right when I'm due, and assume she's looking after DC1 whilst I'm in hospital and be in my house when I come back (she's not,) ... And I can't think of anything worse. When the LO is born we can say 'we wanted the due date to be a surprise' and it will allow us a few days grace period before the outlaws decend 😂 I know all of this sounds daft but I'm honestly dreading it all. I'm open to suggestions.

Maybe your phone needs to get a good drenching op? . Leave dh to deal with her until the baby has arrived. My mil never had my mobile number and I had 3 dgc for her to create havoc about.... Left all that to dh to handle. His dm.

Please god do this.

We told my ILs (similar to yours) the month and that wasn't enough for them. Caught FIL reading my hospital notes (taken from my handbag!) on a visit to our home and Dh flew off the handle at them. This didn't stop mil messaging on the due date asking what time she could expect her grandchild to be here. The woman had 4 children but apparently she forgot that babies don't come in a 2 hour window like parcels. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I quite like the idea of babies being delivered by parcel force. Maybe it will be a thing in the near future? Tracked and Signed for obviously.

I would tell her at least 3 weeks later. If you end up over due you'd still end up with the same problem!

@KetoWithIF I wish that was the worst of the whole thing....birth was horrendous and we were both in hospital for a week. I was actually semi conscious for a few days so hadn't seen my son properly. Fil complained that I was stopping them seeing their gc 😂 perhaps if I'd died he would have met him sooner and it would have been less of an issue 🙄

@GreenTulips ha!! Imagine! I'd be willing to pay extra so they 'handled with care'😂

Sorry @virginpinkmartini for the slight derail !

OP i know you said your DH does his best to deal with his mother - I'd just leave it entirely to him now though, don't answer the phone to her at all, if she texts you with questions get your DH to respond to the questions and to also tell her to contact him as you're knackered etc (and he should say that every time till it sinks in).

You could even say you've given up your smart phone (apparently that Phillipa Perry (?) book everyone seems to be talking about has a section about mobile phones and the impact of parental use on young children - so you could cite that!)

You can register a birth in a different area, they just pass the details on. It’s on the letter I received today from my local council to remind me to register my new baby!

But yes. Definitely go for it and make it 4. She sounds awful.

@KetoWithIF oh don't worry we are incredibly lc now :-) they pretend to be doting gps from afar and we ignore them as best we can :-) suits everyone!

Please don't apologise for the 'derail'. Its comforting to know I'm not alone (as much as I wish everyones PILs could just get their acts together).

@virginpinkmartini oh no you're definitely not alone 😂

"OP didn't ask for an opinion about her MIL's behaviour, which is what you gave. "

It's what nearly every poster has been doing! So if this is a valid criticism, we all need to take it to heart.

So I shall be restrained and simply say: I think you need to be vague with everyone because the fallout when you (or someone else) slips up, will be horrible. And it's bound to happen. Just say something like 'late March or early April'

This is pure genius, OP. 4 weeks, just to be sure

virginpinkmartini

a friend of mine had a really batshit MIL (and a useless weak husband) who would turn up to every appointment and scan and check in in my friends name - she even told my friends doctor that her type 1 diabetes was 'a diet fad' - friend went into labour 6 weeks early due to complications with her diabetes and her MIL arrived at the hospital an hour later - outside of visiting - and was screaming that 'her baby' needed her - I heard all of this because I was my friends birth partner and so I had to be the one to tell the midwives and nurses that MIL was not allowed. (I was also the one to tell the father that he had to man up or lose his wife and child completely [which he did] but that's another story

YANBU, I wouldn’t tell her a date at all, say that it’s all very sudden and they are trying to figure out the date. I would say to MIL that she caused a lot stress last time and you don’t want her around at the birth. When she pulls the “I’m only trying to help card” say but it didn’t we’ve tried to have an adult conversation with you about and you’ve treated us like children. Also tell the midwife and health visitors explicitly to only share information to you and partner.

I wouldn't tell my MIL anything and I'd be seriously getting my DH to lay the law down firmly!

Yanbu.

I didn’t even want to tell people I was pregnant the first time around nor the second. When I was induced, was bombarded by messages asking if the baby was here obviously if it was we would have posted 🙄. Had a traumatic time and the last thing I wanted was visitors. Second time around, we didn’t tell family until I was 22 wks due to what happen the first time, but we did agree we were having two weeks with no visitors after baby was born and if anyone had a problem, no one voiced it and if they did, we didn’t care. Helps to live 4+ hoq by. My sil recently had a baby and her second’s labour was similar to mine, took days naturally. FIL said she was just being awkward as if she actually had control over it. MIL was giving play by plays to the family the whole time. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t tell them if I’m pregnant with a third until they see me and if they asked why I’d just shrug my shoulders. I can’t stand that much fuss. I’m all for people being excited but I’m also a person who likes my privacy, especially when it comes to my body and my husband knows and respects that. Once baby is out and we’re all settled... cuddle away until then leave us be and we’ll let you know. We parents don’t get that special time back.

With your MIL, I’d give a vague time of the month like the end of December , but you’re actually due beginning of November., something like that. You technically don’t know until baby is born so wouldn’t exactly be a lie.

• hours away

"Next week is our first scan, and if all goes well we'll be sharing the news with MIL and family."
Why share it at all yet? Under the circumstances I wouldn't bother. I would just let people notice when it shows.

When it shows and MIL asks I would frankly tell her that you aren't going to tell her the due date because you don't want her at the birth or visiting too soon afterwards, you don't want her to wrongly assume she'll be looking after DC1 and that she can't be trusted not to intrude on your special time with a newborn. I would tell her that her visits are to be by invitation only under the circumstances.

...but then I wouldn't be in a situation where the situations from the past could be repeated. I would have put her firmly in her place and she would have to accept my boundaries or I (and my DC) wouldn't be in contact with her at all.

You really need to tackle the entirety of your problems with her otherwise your future will always have conflict in it.

Does your DH need some counselling or assertiveness training to deal with his DM/parents' behaviour?

posterphoenixrosehere

we told no one for my first, second or third - I just didn;t need people hovering over me and demanding to know how long it was going to take (ex inlaws actually did this to my SIL - crowded over her and told her she was taking too long and 'if you don't push he'll be a mong' - charming people who still don't understand why I divorced their son