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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell MIL a fake due date?

100 replies

virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 20:03

Next week is our first scan, and if all goes well we'll be sharing the news with MIL and family.
She has absolute form for making travel arrangements, booking hotels near us to visit on a whim even though its inconvenient to us, and then we have to end up getting cover for work etc to accommodate. With the birth of DC 1, she just inserted berself right into our business, telling the health visitor absolute garbage that she knew nothing about (which ended up me getting a row from HV totally undeservedly) , and booked his birth registration appointment on our behalf without asking, and not in his hometown which I wanted to do of my own accord, and in my own time. It was a horrible time for me due to a traumatic labour and she took away my agency and had no respect for my feelings.

She offers her two cents where it isn't wanted, to the point of where I ignore her messages/ phone calls on occasion (can't mentally be bothered) and left her WhatsApp group without explanation because she constantly uses it as a soapbox to tell everyone pointless, irrelevant things and treat us like children. She has been asked DOZENS of times to stop bringing bags of tat when she visits, to no avail.
We've gone done the route of telling her to cut it out and stop treating us like kids, but she just uses the 'only trying to help' card.
Compromising re arrangements with her is mentally exhausting because if something isn't doable on her terms then there has to be a War and Peace length discussion about it until I just crack and give in.

Anyway, would I be out of order giving her a due date thats 2-4 weeks later than the actual one? If I give her the real date she'll book her annual leave right when I'm due, and assume she's looking after DC1 whilst I'm in hospital and be in my house when I come back (she's not,) ... And I can't think of anything worse. When the LO is born we can say 'we wanted the due date to be a surprise' and it will allow us a few days grace period before the outlaws decend 😂 I know all of this sounds daft but I'm honestly dreading it all. I'm open to suggestions.

OP posts:
Original poster
virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 20:38

@Pardonwhat 'sHe'S oNLy TRyINg To hELp.' Why should I overlook her thoughtless behaviour to preserve her feelings? I've done enough of that, thanks. It's time to put myself first. I'm sure she'll survive one or two days before seeing DC.

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 05/09/2019 20:38

Yanbu, she sounds awful!

kaytee87 · 05/09/2019 20:39

Give her a date 4 weeks later than you're actually due.
What will you do if the baby is 2 or 3 weeks early and mil thinks it's premature though?
I was getting ready to say don't be ridiculous when I read your title but she seems like a total nightmare.

tillytrotter1 · 05/09/2019 20:39

We did that, added a month as we were abroad and could simply ignore all questions etc., she then decided to arrive 4 weeks early!

RedRose55 · 05/09/2019 20:40

No way!! That’s my MIL.

Iminagony · 05/09/2019 20:41

Yanbu.

Good luck sticking to your story though. I know I'd get myself mixed up and give it away.

I was vague with mine just because they're a guide anyway. I used to say due around early 'month'. Mine was a full 2 weeks past the 'due date' too.

I'm guessing that won't cut it with your MIL anyway!

But also agree with pp. You don't take time off work because she shows up unannounced. She turns up like that, she gets to see you as and when you can, not take annual leave for it. You must have a very accommodating boss to be able to do that anyway.

bellmadboo · 05/09/2019 20:46

Just do not tell her anything. My mil is same but I stand up to her so she knows and I would open door and tell her to go away until wanted! My mil always being nasty like I got raped as I was asking for it like everyone else! Bringing garden toys when asked not too as back yard is small but she ends up taking them back lol. Tell her your month ahead if u want to.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 05/09/2019 20:51

we have to end up getting cover for work etc to accommodate

So don’t accommodate. Let her sit alone in the hotel twiddling her thumbs whilst your at work

but she just uses the 'only trying to help'

“Well you aren’t helping”

Compromising re arrangements with her is mentally exhausting because if something isn't doable on her terms then there has to be a War and Peace length discussion about it

“These are the arrangements, we aren’t discussing it any further. If you don’t want to come/Do X that’s fine”

But yes, tell her a month later.

carly2803 · 05/09/2019 20:51

you need to put her in her place. Before the birth.

but absolutely dont tell her, not worth the stress

Original poster
virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 20:51

When I say cover for work, I mean swap shifts, not a case of 'can I take the day off.' Should have been more clear on that. But my partner has changed his working from home days on a couple of occasions, which has not been ideal.

I was working 70 hour weeks at one point, and she wanted to take him for a bank holiday on short notice. I said no, because I was barely getting to see DC, some days not seeing him at all cos I was gone from morning to night. She still thought it was negotiable and tried to wear me down. I absolutely put my foot down that time. She told DP that we were 'putting obstacles in front of her' Hmm. I told her that she needs to stop just thinking about what is convenient for her all the time, and stop seeing it as a challenge when she's told something isn't doable. Worked for all of one month before she was trying to fill her diary up again.

OP posts:
Pardonwhat · 05/09/2019 20:56

virginpinkmartini

Wow! Mature.
You asked if people felt if you were being unreasonable. I’m obviously in the minority.
Why ask the question if no one is allowed to answer the opposite to what you wanted? Hmm

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/09/2019 20:56

I like the old idea of only announcing the season a baby is due to be born in. "Sometime in the Spring" or whatever is delightfully vague!

Jellybeansincognito · 05/09/2019 20:59

Yanbu. Sounds safer for you to not announce that you’re pregnant at all- at least then there’s no surprise visits!

Original poster
virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 21:00

I'm feeling empowered by a lot of the kind albeit stern words from posters... Just don't engage, I know. Sometimes I work hard not to fall into the trap of saying 'no' just because I want to exercise some authority, when in reality its not a logistical problem if she wants to take him for a particular weekend. Sometimes I just want to RESIST against her because I don't like the way she asked/ the way she assumes it will be absolutely fine to just take him. But 9 times out of 10 I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
virginpinkmartini · 05/09/2019 21:01

@Pardonwhat because your response was ill informed and not based in fact. You stated that I was acting like she was a bitch JUST because she wanted to help me.

OP posts:
Pardonwhat · 05/09/2019 21:04

virginpinkmartini
How can you possibly know that?
Yanbu unreasonable to not tell anyone anything that you don’t want to but I truly believe telling a grandparent something so untrue, however misguided they be, just isn’t fair. I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit your agenda. Take comfort in the fact most posters agree with you. But don’t mock people who disagree or it completely invalidates the point of your post Smile

Eckhart · 05/09/2019 21:06

@Pardonwhat OP didn't ask for an opinion about her MIL's behaviour, which is what you gave.

She asked if she was BU to tell MIL the wrong due date.

grassygrass · 05/09/2019 21:06

YANBU add at least 4 weeks because you could be two weeks late!

Greywalls12 · 05/09/2019 21:08

I'd definitely add a few weeks on. I couldn't stand all the messages asking if there was any 'news' yet.
My lovely mil constantly asked me if I had any twinges which really irritated my fat hormonal self and I had to say something! She was just excited but it really did annoy me.
Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, just make sure you don't slip up about it, and you'll have to tell her the scan dates 4 weeks later etc!

Barbarafromblackpool · 05/09/2019 21:08

Make it a month. Minimum.

Wolfiefan · 05/09/2019 21:09

He does his best?
Well it’s not great. She’s not your mother and so not your issue.
Don’t let her in the house with bags of tat.
Don’t answer the phone if it’s not convenient.
She turns up and you’re working? Just go to work and carry on your life as planned.
She books an appointment? Cancel or simply don’t turn up.
Say no.
Hang up if she argues.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/09/2019 21:11

God, don't tell her anything at all, not even your new address! Wink

Cheeserton · 05/09/2019 21:11

Definitely give her a date a whole month over.

Eckhart · 05/09/2019 21:12

@virginpinkmartini If your MIL was being reasonable and respectful of you, I'd be in total agreement with @Pardonwhat, but she's not. I think it's reasonable of you to find a way to keep her away from you whenever you need to - she sounds awful. Giving her an ambiguous due date seems to make most sense. No lie = no repercussions.

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 05/09/2019 21:13

Totally tell her a fake due date! I did this for my second child, but only told the in laws the fake due date (it moved a couple of times as I forgot what I’d told them Grin). I think I moved it back 3 weeks, our first child was a week early and our second ended up being the same, so it was a month before they were anticipating. They were away on holiday the week I gave birth, it was amazing to not be bothered by them. They never asked why he’d come 4 weeks early though, they must have realised looking at the size of him that he wasn’t a month early.

We are hoping to have a 3rd next year, I’m thinking I’ll tell them 4 weeks later than the actual date to be safe.