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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s all over for me now that he wants a separation

94 replies

Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:15

Is this it? Me and our darling children on our own forever . He will see them twice a week and every second weekend ? Me in a dressing gown every Friday night and every second weekend wondering if they’re ok? Any happy outcomes? I fought to make it work. He wants out . Thanks

OP posts:
Ohbuggerlugs · 04/09/2019 21:19

I’m sorry OP. We’re you actually happy? It’s not the end OP. There Is a happy version out there for you, without him. 💐

Original poster
Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:25

You know in many ways I’m devastated for my kids. I’ll be ok . He is s workaholic who was only ever physically present. Cranky tried and moody with the kids. They won’t miss that but I do know that this is the single worst thing I could do to them. I worry about them . They are young and vulnerable but I’ve been lonely for years

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 04/09/2019 21:34

this is the single worst thing I could do to them

What exactly is it you think you are doing to them? It's not like you can hold him by force.

Also, divorce is really, really not the worst thing that you could do to your kids. It's not even in the top 10.

cacklingmags · 04/09/2019 21:42

It is very early days and it is natural to feel sad and frightened and as a mum you always worry about your kids. They will be OK and you will be OK and you will all be better off without this grump around. Give it a bit of time and you will all start smiling again.

Original poster
Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:47

I really hope so. I work in psychology and education and I’ve never worked with a child who want messed up by parental separation or divorce

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:47

I feel that I’ve failed them

OP posts:
MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 04/09/2019 21:48

Honestly it'll be ok. The pressure will lift, you'll find time to regroup and in time enjoy having a little space to look after yourself. The transition is hard but often harder for us than the kids, if you can be amicable with X and clear about what's happening. Not that they won't need lots of love and support but it's often more peaceable in the house afterwards Flowers

Original poster
Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:51

Ok thanks. We will be amicable . I will
Ensure that. I don’t care 🤷‍♂️ f I have to fake it . What will I do
With this time

OP posts:
IlluminatiParty · 04/09/2019 21:53

If he's a decent person having to have the kids on his own may well bring out a lot of positive things and more solid connections with them because you're not there to step in. My X was feckless and selfish but always basically a good dad and that's been enhanced by the time my kids have with him.

BarbariansMum · 04/09/2019 21:53

Mmm, know what also messes kids up? Growing up in an unhappy home and watching the two people you love best make each other miserable.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 04/09/2019 21:53

@Whitewinemysaviour - You say you've never met a kid who hasn't been messed up in some way by divorce.

But what about those who have been messed up by parents who choose to stay together in spite of wanting or needing to be apart? I think an impact from any decision is inevitable; but isn't it how we deal with that impact that is the most important thing of all?

OhioOhioOhio · 04/09/2019 21:54

3 years on

It's wonderful. And more quickly than you can imagine they are finding out who he is.

Let him get on with it.

And mope in your dressing gown for the first weekend. Then count your blessings and get on with life.

Techway · 04/09/2019 21:55

How do you define "messed up"? My dc had sadness when I separated but a few years on they are thriving. Excellent school /Uni results, involved in activities that they really enjoy, they have a few good friends and we laugh alot at home. We are all very close.

My friend's dc is "messed up", turned to alcohol as a young adult which my friend now thinks is a result of her staying in a very unhappy marriage.

Most parents can mitigate the impact of divorce so it is not the worst thing that can happen.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 04/09/2019 21:55

Sleep! Rest! Go see a film or just stick your dressing gown on and watch nonsense on your phone Grin maybe do things you used to like doing. It might take a while but it's alright.

Toomanycats99 · 04/09/2019 21:55

Honestly I am in year in and my kids seem doing be doing just fine.

I was told the kids that get messed up are those where the parents cannot maintain an amicable relationship.

BarbedBloom · 04/09/2019 21:55

I was completely messed up by my parents staying together. You will be okay. It is early days. Fill this extra time with something new, a hobby or even just go to the cinema - sitting at home wondering how your children are will make it feel worse.

dollydaydream114 · 04/09/2019 21:57

I work in psychology and education and I’ve never worked with a child who want messed up by parental separation or divorce

But presumably, if you work in psychology the children with problems are the ones that are referred to you, so perhaps you don't get to meet many of the children who aren't so affected.

I'm not saying that it won't be difficult for your children, but it is absolutely not the worst thing that could happen to them.

teachermam · 04/09/2019 21:57

Yes but think of all that stay together and ruin kids lives
I also work in education and see the effects of toxic relationships

BanginChoons · 04/09/2019 21:58

Oh op, I am sorry you are going through this, but I just wanted you to know that life as a single mum can be Wonderful.

I have been on my own with mine for 5 years now. My kids and I are absolutely a team, so much more than we ever were before. We communicate well, we enjoy our time together, there is so much love in this household! I have initiated a career change, we have been on holidays, we aren't particularly well off but we get by just fine.

This is not the end, it is the beginning.

2toe · 04/09/2019 21:59

You haven’t failed anyone, I have to say my parents divorcing never messed me up, the years being miserable but staying together “for the children” was the part that caused problems.
This is new and raw, you will all get used to to your new way of life and it will be what you make of it. You may find that he makes more of an effort with the children when he only has a certain amount of time with them. Your house may be calmer and life easier without the tension and worry over your relationship. Fill your weekends with friends, fun and laughter, you don’t have to sit in your dressing gown all weekend.
You will adjust and so will the children.

Butchyrestingface · 04/09/2019 22:00

I really hope so. I work in psychology and education and I’ve never worked with a child who want messed up by parental separation or divorce

I wasn’t messed up by it. I was fecking thrilled by not having to live with my father in the same house.

Does the fact that you work in education and psychology not mean that you naturally see people who have issues and aren’t necessarily representative? In much the same way that GPs don’t routinely see perfectly healthy people. Smile

Original poster
Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 22:01

That’s the nature of my job. Children who are affected by separation. I’m just being honest

OP posts:
PianoTuner567 · 04/09/2019 22:01

There are hundreds of thousands of kids and now adults up and down the country whose parents’ marriage failed. They’re not all fuck ups are they?

Original poster
Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 22:03

Thanks everybody! I have brilliant relationships with my kids. I only hope they last

OP posts:
doublebarrellednurse · 04/09/2019 22:03

I felt very similar even though it was absolutely the right thing when my sons father left.

I'm happily married now, life is massively different. My son is well adjusted and hasn't need input outside of myself psychologically.

Remember. You see a tiny % of people professionally. You can't base your view of the world on it.