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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s all over for me now that he wants a separation

94 replies

Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:15

Is this it? Me and our darling children on our own forever . He will see them twice a week and every second weekend ? Me in a dressing gown every Friday night and every second weekend wondering if they’re ok? Any happy outcomes? I fought to make it work. He wants out . Thanks

OP posts:

Downunderduchess · 05/09/2019 06:55

They will take their cues from you & their dad. Yes, it's sad but if the two adults are respectful and don't trash talk each other they will see that it won't always be sad, it becomes their new normal. And down the track you will see that too & be proud of yourself for getting on with it. Be happy, all the best x

leafyskyline · 05/09/2019 06:56

I can understand why you're so concerned but you're working with a very biased sample. You're only seeing the children who have been 'messed up' during their parents separation.

All the children who come out of it fine and all the families who make it work well for the kids have no need for your professional service so are invisible to you.

You sound very caring and aware of the possible pitfalls so you're in the best place to help your kids through this

31RueCambon75001 · 05/09/2019 07:21

You are being dramatic. You dont in your professional capacity see the children who aren't "messed up". My kids aren't messed up. Half of my daughter's friends' parents have split up and thet are lovely happy girls. I know you are in shock and you'll process it in time but don't catastrophise.

PapayaCoconut · 05/09/2019 07:25

I was messed up by parents who resented each other, a mother who cheated and a father who was constantly angry and stressed. They only divorced when I was in my early twenties. There are many kinds of family dynamic that can be damaging.

31RueCambon75001 · 05/09/2019 07:29

One piecd of advice though, make sure that he commits to regular childcare. You would be better off with every second weekend carved in stone that "twice a week and weekends".

how can a workaholic meet that obligation?
you will see him every five minutes fgs!

Dont mistake the feelings of adjustment to what it is going to be like in the future. Change is hard for all ages.

Do you ever do five years on follow ups on your clients?

My two parents gave me a seemingly conventionally adequate childhood but raised me to be a doormat.

Two parents is not dome perfect formula that shouldnt be messed with. I just had two parents who invalidated me.

31RueCambon75001 · 05/09/2019 07:35

When you work with kids who parents have split up i wonder if there is confirmation bias going on?
Minor issues like a bit of attention seeking, a child from a single parent family could be labelled as lacking in confidence and needing affection and validation whileva child with married parents could be just a real character. As a psychologist you should ask yourself who are you seeing, at what point in their lives, what dot-joining have you taken upon yourself.

I mean this kindly.

I had some very negative and distorted views when i left my x.

makingmammaries · 05/09/2019 07:40

OP, you have not failed anyone. Actually you sound great. Once the new routine settles down you will find 1001 uses for the time when the DCs are with him. They will be fine. My colleague’s parents separated when she was 11 and she said it was great because the rows stopped, and it’s still great because now she has 5 grandparents for her children. Have confidence in yourself, you can handle this.

Bluetrews25 · 05/09/2019 08:23

Children look to their parents for how to react on all sorts of occasions - moving house, going off on trips, hospital appointments and of course relationship breakdown. If they see Mum wringing hands, biting lip and frowning 'ooh darling, are you ok?' then they will think there is something to be worried about because Mum is expecting it. If you can have more of an 'everything's fine' attitude, that might help. As a psychologist you will understand about behaving 'as if' everything is ok. (Because it will be, in time.)
It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one, to paraphrase Dr Phil.

Lowlandlucky · 05/09/2019 09:07

The first few weekends will be tough then you will begin to appreciate the time for yourself.

Original poster

Whitewinemysaviour · 05/09/2019 11:49

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply and advise.

To clarify, I work with children whose Parents divorced/separated in very sad circumstances. The children were certainly not their Parents priority during their parting and it was those children who were referred to me
I agree and should have clarified, that it is of course because of the nature of those splits, that said children had many psychological issues.
I am panicking as someone upthread suggested.
I only want whats best for them. Their father is disinterested in them, has become increasingly impatient and angry with them when he has to spend time with them.So I always intervened and then he felt undermined and criticised as i wouldn't tolerate him shouting and cursing at them.He even threatened our young son the other night as he wouldn't do what he was told, rather than deal with it differently in a calm way.He lost it and my son burst out crying.I was disgusted .It really is time he was gone.It was like a lightbulb moment for me. He is self absorbed to the point that he told me last night that because of his work commitments, he simply wont be able to guarantee a specific collect and drop off time, despite his hours being relatively flexible and not having any time issues when it is a matter of him and his hobbies.
Thanks a million

OP posts:

from123toabc · 05/09/2019 11:51

It is absolutely not the end. This is the re-birth of a new you. I promise.

whattodowith · 05/09/2019 11:52

know what also messes kids up? Growing up in an unhappy home and watching the two people you love best make each other miserable.

^ this.

TimeForNewStart · 05/09/2019 14:42

Their father is disinterested in them, has become increasingly impatient and angry with them when he has to spend time with them

I could imagine my ex criticising my relationship with my DD before we split. I am a much better parent now I’m not in a bad marriage. So he might be better with them once you’ve split.

because of his work commitments, he simply wont be able to guarantee a specific collect and drop off time

Then you need to do everything officially through the courts. That way of he doesn’t stick to things you can do something about it.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/09/2019 14:57

I genuinely don't understand how getting your children away from their father's awful behaviour could be construed even in a panic as the single worst thing you could do to them? How can living a life without fear of your own parent be a bad thing?

Tistheseason17 · 05/09/2019 19:19

Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't work. The real positive is that you have excellent training on how to support your children.

Don't be so hard on yourself - there were 2 of you in the relationship.

31RueCambon75001 · 05/09/2019 19:28

You are doing the right thing OP

TanMateix · 06/09/2019 07:44

Yes, you work with children whose parents split... so you are suggesting the only solution to this is to force your ex to stay so you can pretend you are happy???

If you think that is better you probably need to work with adults who have grown up in dysfunctional homes.

The truth is whatever your views, you have no power on what your ex does or doesn’t do from now on. So you either hit the ground running as we separated parents do, or you keep drowning into self pity, focus on your own sadness and let the kids deal with theirs, because their life is already fucked up, you have proof, you work with children with them so there is NOTHING you can do to make things better.

Honestly OP, if you are so convinced divorce is such a disaster, how on Earth do you help kids take a positive slant on it?

Washup69 · 14/06/2020 19:47

We sold Our house and he took off with half, more than he should. That followed a year of living with someone spending our hard earned money. I'm in my own home now with two Kids. Cleanse yourself any way you can. Write to yourself. Find pals that will listen to you that helped me. My kid not long said his childhood was ruined because my ex Kept telling him he was leaving! Now he is glad it's just us three. I don't think I will get married again. Life is peaceful now.

rosiejaune · 14/06/2020 20:19

@TimeForNewStart

Their father is disinterested in them, has become increasingly impatient and angry with them when he has to spend time with them

I could imagine my ex criticising my relationship with my DD before we split. I am a much better parent now I’m not in a bad marriage. So he might be better with them once you’ve split.

because of his work commitments, he simply wont be able to guarantee a specific collect and drop off time

Then you need to do everything officially through the courts. That way of he doesn’t stick to things you can do something about it.

Going to court doesn't force them to pick up on time (or at all). If he repeatedly doesn't return them as directed, that could be enforced in theory, but in practice it likely won't be, if it's just that he's late.

Better not to put everyone through that process if it isn't absolutely necessary.

It sounds like they'd be better off without him anyway, so no reason to commit to contact if he isn't bothered about it.

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