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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s all over for me now that he wants a separation

94 replies

Whitewinemysaviour · 04/09/2019 21:15

Is this it? Me and our darling children on our own forever . He will see them twice a week and every second weekend ? Me in a dressing gown every Friday night and every second weekend wondering if they’re ok? Any happy outcomes? I fought to make it work. He wants out . Thanks

OP posts:
Joeler · 04/09/2019 22:03

If you work in psychology could it be that you'd have a skewed view?You'd only be getting to see the children that had been negatively effected by divorce.All the many thousands of children who had thrived and done well would never come to your attention. If your children are loved and cared for by both parents they will get through this and so will you.

Dementornator · 04/09/2019 22:05

That’s the nature of my job. Children who are affected by separation. I’m just being honest

In that case, take the advice you give to others and apply it to your yourself and your dc.

Wineiscooling · 04/09/2019 22:07

This terrifies me. I am considering divorce with my husband but the damage it could do to my kids stops me. He doesn't want to but I can't live with his selfish behaviours any more. Can divorce not damage children?

GibbonLover · 04/09/2019 22:10

What will I do With this time

What did you do before you got married? What do you like? What are you interested in? If you work in ed psych, you must be an intelligent woman, is there anything you fancy studying? As hard as it sounds, you absolutely MUST get this vision of you stood fretting in your nightie out of your head. Life does not have to be like this.

Cranky tried and moody with the kids. They won’t miss that Absolutely! Wouldn't you agree that one happy parent is better than one lonely parent and one stroppy parent? I agree with dolly btw, the children who are not messed up by divorce won't need your assistance so it stands to reason you won't see them.

hopefulandstrong · 04/09/2019 22:12

The tone that comes from your responses is concerning and actually makes you sound like you force happiness instead of living your life the best way you can.

My dc are 14 & 12 and are not messed up by exh and I separation, and it's insulting not ' honest' for you to believe that is the worse thing.

It's the actions and reactions of people that hurts children.

Dc can have the same issues when their parents live together or not, it's the parents arguments and tension that cause damage.

Except children who's parents are still together but not in love, do not get to escape as they all live in the same house.

bombomboobah · 04/09/2019 22:17

I don't think divorce has to be inherently damaging to children, it's all down to the way that the parents handle, it perfectly possible to handle it well behave well and the children, although it will be a stressful and difficult time, they can manage it and they will be reassured by the parents.
think about it there are going to be bad and difficult events in a child's life moving houses stressful changing schools is stressful a pet dying can be stressful, but the parent can help the child to deal with it, children can learn from and be strengthened by difficult times just as adults can be.
as long as the parents are sensitive to the needs of the children and things are age appropriate eccetera, if the parents can still cooperate as a team and still put the child's best interests first it can work

Jesaminecollins · 04/09/2019 22:19

I was brought up by a single mum and it didn't harm me - my mum met my step-dad when I was eight and they were together until she died.

Pikapikachooo · 04/09/2019 22:20

It’s not your fault ! My dear on top of all the sadness lose the blame . Millions are people split up and the children are OK , and thrive . I can hear how sad you are . And this too shall pass . You will be ok . You will
Be happy again . But right now it’s shit Flowers

justasking111 · 04/09/2019 22:30

Have read on here before that a part time dad actually makes more effort with the children after a split up.

Cleanmywindows · 04/09/2019 22:32

If the nature of your job is working with children who have been affected by their parents' separation, it would follow that you don't know many children who were not affected by their parents' separation? The unaffected ones would not cross your path. It's like the opposite of the suvivorship bias...

Ellie56 · 04/09/2019 22:32

One of my friends got divorced when her children were young. She was beside herself worrying about what it would do to them.

Although she didn't always feel like doing it, she and her ex maintained an amicable relationship all the time the boys were growing up. They are all now happy, well balanced and successful young men, all with partners and good jobs.

Divorce hasn't done them any harm.

Butiwantto · 04/09/2019 22:33

I’m 18months into it (he has them for 2 nights eow). I’ll be totally honest - I’m stil bitter, still angry and I truly believe I hate him BUT..I enjoy my life with the kids so much more now and can appreciate our time together without the stress of having him around. I don’t have to try and prove myself to anyone except the kids and the unconditional love they give me more than makes up for what I’ve ‘lost’ in a partner.
I actually look forward to my weekends ‘off’ and although I still worry about them and miss them loads while they are gone, I’ve got used to the routine of it now. I have more of a life than I did before and it really is lovely knowing that there are two whole days every couple of weeks which are just for me to do whatever I choose with (even if it is staying in my dressing gown all day - it’s having the choice that makes it enjoyable 😁)
Good luck OP, there are silver linings even if it doesn’t feel like it right now

Goingonagondola · 04/09/2019 22:36

It's not the separating that fucks them up.

It's the animosity. The sly little jibes about the other parent when you're with one parent. The conversations they overhear where you're arguing about who should have the kids - like they're possessions or an inconvenience. When you're dividing up holiday within their hearing - 'you take the first week and I'll do the second one'. When you don't go to their school play because their dad is going, or you don't go to parents evenings together and it feels like everyone else has their parents together. When you argue in front of them over petty things like late drop offs or trainers left at the other house. When you make them feel that they have to dislike their parent's new partner just to stay loyal to you. When you comment unfavourably on the lifestyle or parenting of the other parent - what was your mother thinking sending you in that thin top? Well it's ok for Daddy to say you need a haircut, he's got plenty of money unlike me! When you make them feel like they have to choose between you for any reason at any time, or make them feel bad for missing one of you when they're with the other one. Or feel offended because they do just want to spend time with you and not your new partner. When you move your new partner in really quickly and try to make yourself and your own insecurities go away by quickly making a new family and ignore the fact that that is not and will never be their complete family. When you introduce them quickly to new partners so that they have multiple people coming and going in their lives and learn that none of these people actually care about them because they leave again. When you don't take them shopping for a birthday present for their dad because 'why should you have to that's not your job anymore'. It's when you undermine the other parent's parenting - tell them they don't have to bother to do the homework that dad said they had to do, or practise the guitar mum sent with them Etc. Etc. Etc. I've seen so many things about divorce and separation that mess up children's lives, but believe me it's not the actual simple fact of being apart. It's how you handle it - and that's something you can control.

LtJudyHopps · 04/09/2019 22:37

I was more messed up by my parents staying together than by their separation. I never saw them fight but they were in a loveless relationship, as a result I’ve been told I can be quite cold towards my DP.
It will be more quality time (hopefully) for the kids and you get to find yourself again. Watch YouTube videos and teach yourself a new skill, get out there and meet people!

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 04/09/2019 22:57

How it is handled will dictate whether it messes them up. In any case, there’s bugger all you can do about it. Shit happens in life, that’s something they will have to get used to. You can’t protect them from everything.

GabriellaMontez · 04/09/2019 23:02

My friends daughter is totally messed up. Her parents are happily together.

YourWinter · 04/09/2019 23:06

Everything Goingonagondola said - be kind always.

Inebriati · 04/09/2019 23:09

I work in psychology and education and I’ve never worked with a child who want messed up by parental separation or divorce

If you work with children who need support then you are using a self selecting group to predict a negative outcome for your own children.

LifeImplosionImminent · 04/09/2019 23:11

OP My kids have divorced parents, they survived, one runs a business and one is off to university this month having aced her A levels.

For you, it will hurt less in time.

RaininSummer · 04/09/2019 23:12

You may find the kids thrive once the dust settles as a physically present but absent workaholic father is no good for them. I found my kids had a better time with their dad once we split as he had to be present for them when he had them. It wasn't all plain sailing and I did rather resent his fun dad act which cast me in the role of naggy mother with all the boring homework etc. It doesn't have to mess your kids up. We were definitely better as two separate parents. I am sorry you have tried so hard to fix it to no avail though so best to look forward with optimism.

FuriousVexation · 04/09/2019 23:18

OP you're clearly hurting and I don't wish to be too harsh... but you did post in AIBU.

I do know that this is the single worst thing I could do to them

Oh don't be so bloody dramatic. If this was literally the worst thing you could do to them, then divorce would be illegal, right? Because that would mean divorce would be worse than
Verbally abusing them every day with "jokey" names such as "Fuck face" or "Snot hole"
Ridiculing their every opinion or enthusiasm
Never attending a single parents' event, whether official things such as parents evening or extra curricular stuff such as sports matches
Beating them regularly
Causing them serious injuries and failing to take them to hospital, and telling them they must lie to school about how it happened
Sexually assaulting them
Actually killing them

Those things happen to hundreds of children in this country every day - pretty sure they'd all grab the choice of having divorced parents than continuing to live in the small and private hell that they are in.

Like I said - I don't want to be harsh. But stop catastrophising! You will be fine. Your DC will be fine. It will be hard in the short term, but it will be okay. For all of you.

StinkyVonWinky · 04/09/2019 23:20

Goingonagindola that was one of the best replies I’ve ever seen on MN. OP, I hope things work out for you. It sounds pretty tough at the moment.

FlapAttack23 · 04/09/2019 23:27

You’ll be fine. Happier , more effective and you won’t have time to be lonely . Enjoy your time with kids and rest up and look after you and get all your house and work stuff done while he is with them. Fact it’s his choice makes it easier.. accept it and make lemonade . I am recently in same boat though mine moved far away so it’s all just me now which is good as no worrying about them being with him but also hard as no break at all. It’s been hard but over all me and the children are so much happier, things are more straightforward and I love my life again . I hadn’t realised what a dark dark cloud it was to have him here constantly being moody and critical and having to walk on eggshells and worry about children upsetting him. Sending you love .. you’ll be fine

Mac47 · 04/09/2019 23:34

gondola got it spot on.
And as for what will you do? The first forever DC wasn't with me I cried for 48 hours eow. Then I got used to it, reluctantly. I did stuff. I reconnected with friends. I cleaned the house. I sorted out my bedroom and made it my own. And eventually, I drank and danced and sang and had sex with lovely men and made a life for myself outside my child.
And now I've accustomed to my new life (by many years) I'm me again. Dd has new, teenage angst about the divorce. She is dealing with that- I can't answer for, or excuse her df's behaviour, but I hold her hand through it. We are happy, she and I. We have our life, our friends, our rituals, our sayings - we reinvented family for us.

Wear the dressing gown. I actually refer to the first few months as "my dressing gown months". I was hairy legs and snot. I drank too much and lived off haribo and cigarettes. One day, you wake up, shave your legs and eat a meal.
Apologies for the essay. Having walked the path, I can't express enough how shit it starts and how good it becomes. In the meantime, don't drink as much as I did and don't bottle it all up. And have some Flowers

Pikapikachooo · 04/09/2019 23:37

Goingonagondola

Well
Said