To think it’s all over for me now that he wants a separation

[Whitewinemysaviour]

Is this it? Me and our darling children on our own forever . He will see them twice a week and every second weekend ? Me in a dressing gown every Friday night and every second weekend wondering if they’re ok? Any happy outcomes? I fought to make it work. He wants out . Thanks

In my experience, sometimes the most acute period of suffering is when a person is still clinging to a hopeless dream, like a dying marriage. After letting go and understanding in a deep way that it is truly over, the person can sometimes find that the loss of that old dream can actually lead to a new sense of freedom and opening of possibilities.

FFS can we stop with the drama of divorce being the worst thing in the world. It's such a blinkered view and ignores so much history. We haven't always had this cosy nuclear family ideal.

And it's quite frankly insulting to the single mums who work hard and do their best. The stigma of the thing is often worse than the thing itself.

Anyway I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP, but really your kids will be fine if you don't make a song and dance about how you've failed them and what terrible life chances they're going to have now.

Sure plenty of children are traumatized by divorce, but there are also plenty of people like me who desperately wish our parents had divorced when we were children because the ideal family picture being presented to the public was actually hiding a place where children were afraid when dad got home. Staying together can be traumatizing too.

OP, you say you work in psychology so you know all the children you work with suffered because of divorce. But that’s a false impression, all the children who are resilient and cope well aren’t going to cross paths with your work are they?

My parents broke up when I was at primary (thank god- the atmosphere at home was horrendous). I am a well balanced adult, no MH problems, no addictions, v happily married.

And I never saw a psychologist as I did not need to. I am guessing you only see the kids who need you. A bit like being a doctor in A & E and thinking EVERYONE is accident prone.

Honestly, you will be fine and your DC will be fine. Much better for them not to have to share their home with a man who is abusive, obnoxious or even just indifferent to them.
If you are separating because he is sticking his dick in someone else, you may need to grit your teeth and keep any bitterness to yourself (because he has split up with you and not the DC) but if he's gone off because he wants to live an entirely self-obsessed life, you are all better off without him and you, particularly, will need to plan in advance for managing without much involvement from him at all (ie don't get into a situation where he arrangese to see DC and doesn't show up; be ready to take legal action if he doesn't pay child support, etc.)

It is not divorce that messes children up, it is witnessing the arguments between the parents, and living walking over eggshells that causes the damage, and that is already taking place.

My son was happier after divorce as his workaholic dad finally found the time to shut his laptop off and go in bike rides and do things with him.

Sadly, this didn’t last for long but I would say that so far I have not found anyone who met my child before who has not said DS look more settled an content after contact with his dad decreased.

My years after divorce have not been easy, I have money worries and restrictions I never had before, but these have been the happier days of my life. Before I was dying inside, dealing with a day at a time. Now is full of dreams, plans, aspirations and lots of love and friendships.

I also like to shout about our family situation, because it was something we all sort of bumbled into, but it works and it's a good counterbalance to the idea that anything other than heteromonogamy is harmful.
DS dad and I were longstanding drinking buddies who occasionally had sex; one night we were careless and now we have a teenager. We are not a couple; DS dad does not live with me and DS and, when I was pregnant, DS dad was a little bit of a knob (one minute 'lets's get married' which I refused immediately, then he flounced off, then he suddenly reappeared) but he has absolutely and totally made up for that and is now a great dad. We are a family, just one without a couple-relationship. (We go on holiday, either just us three or with one or more grandparents. Etc.)

It's absolutely fine to be co-parents rather than a couple. If one parent is a bad person, it's fine to cut them out as much as possible. What DC need is at least one adult in their lives who loves and cares about them, and the more loving, caring adults they have in their lives, the better. Even if those adults are not going to be there forever. The idea that heteromonogamy is the 'best' thing for DC is actually dangerous: it keeps women in relationships with immensely dangerous men.

And, OK, if you really need a wake-up call, remember that the Wests were a Respectable Married Couple, and that was partly why they got away with their crimes for so long.

They won’t miss that but I do know that this is the single worst thing I could do to them.

Far worse to model an unhealthy relationship. THAT is what messes kids up. I'm a little taken aback at your attitude.

I raised 4 wonderful children with no input from their father after he chose to leave. All very successful and all extremely kind, decent human beings. They adore me and I them.
I'm truly surprised that, due to your own profession, you are not a little wiser as to what children actually need.

My parents were of a generation where divorce was much rarer. I knew more than one person at university whose degree/life was messed up by their parents waiting until they grew up to divorce.

It left them with lots of problems processing what had happened and believing that everything about their childhood had been a lie in retrospect as their parents had never really loved each other, and they no longer knew whether to trust their parents.

It is probably better to get on with separating and co-parent now.

@Goingonagondola . Marvellous post, says it all

Children are messed up by conflict rather than divorce.
If you can be civil and amicable, there’s no reason why the children shouldn’t adapt to their new normal.

I am actually quite concerned that you are a professional working with children dealing with divorce and you think it’s the single worst thing that can happen to them. The mind boggles!

I can only assume you have lost the plot, as most of us do a little when a marriage ends.

As has been said upthread, your children will be affected by your reaction to the divorce more than the divorce itself. And to be frank it’s not looking that good for them at the moment with your over dramatic thinking.

Have you considered therapy to help you find ways to minimise the effects of your attitude for your children?

*Goingonagondola

What a great reply, and you are so right.

I divorced the father of my kids back when it was still a more unusual thing to do and all the things you mention are all the ones I strived so hard for. I never, ever bad-mouthed my ex in front of them or put him down in any way. I often wondered if I had succeeded but when he was around 30 my son turned to me and said 'Our dad was an absolute shit wasn't he? But you let us find out for ourselves and never tried to influence us.'... That was when I knew I just night have done it right.

OP it's not easy. Yes there are times you will have to bite your tongue and times you will be lonely and doubt your decision but you have to stand firm and look to the future and not the past and 'what might have been' Before you realise you will have made a new life for yourself and your children and you will enjoy their childhood so much more than having to walk on eggshells around Mr Grumpy Boots.

Be positive. Get out there and do things. Even if you only take them for a walk or to the park then make it fun for them. Some of our best days were picnics in the woods while the kids made camps and dens, or long walks with the dogs; going to pick blackberries; exploring new footpaths; going to low key events like classic car shows and country fairs; a steam engine rally... nothing that cost a fortune, simply places to be together and give them something to remember. Laugh with them and at them and learn to relax with them again.

You'll be ok.. honestly you will. And don't let yourself mope around in your dressing gown!! Go shopping; to the library (god how much did I long for a peaceful child-free library visit!) sit in a coffee shop with the paper; visit friends or invite them to yours for a catch-up. In short get out amongst other people and allow yourself to be happy. You are actually allowed to be happy whilst the children are visiting the other parent!!

@Goingonagondola what an excellent post, agree 100% 👏👏

well... the nature of your job also tells you that the damage to kids is far worse with parents who stay married when they dislike each other or have no feelings for each other... so 6 of one half a dozen of another...
i think if you are both happy and engaged ( he will be forced to engage when hes a solo parent on his days) in separate homes the children will be happy as well, as they can feel and understand the tension with unhappy parents and it changes the way they behave, you know this...
so take some time and get your head around this shock and harsh to say, accept it and get on with it, its all you can do, your children will be ok ( after a period of being unsettled) just make sure you show them that they are loved and that it is not their fault and that Dad loves them too

I’ve never worked with a child who want messed up by parental separation or divorce

I know many young adults who are NOT messed up by divorce. In fact they are relieved that it happened and that the shit stopped

As a physiologist that works with kids. You must realise that divorce doesnt damage kids.

How the parents handle the divorce does damage kids. Conflict, either parent making the kids feel sorry for them, hinting how awful their life is when they are with the other parent, showing displeasure at the other parenting and telling the kids the other parent is bad/useless/left the kids etc, is what messes kids up.

And then, on top of all that, you the many many kids who dont need psychological help.

Butchyrestingface

I love your post.

I was heartbroken when my marriage fell apart but we are on very good terms now and the kids have no hang ups. They can talk as they feel comfortable and know that they see plenty of us both, can pick.up the phone etc. It's about how you as adults manage this dynamic now. Keep it positive and open. Let the children see you can parent apart and they still have both parents. They will adjust, they need guidance and love, firm boundaries and routine the same as always.
As for yourself, take time to adjust and find something to do so you're not 'alone' maybe a hobby that's gone by the wayside or a gym class? Something just for you.

Goingonagondola nailed it. Those are exactly the behaviours that affected me and my sibling.

The worst part of my parents divorcing was that they both entered new relationships wgere the flushes of new love made their new partners their priority
Not coming first with either parent fucks you up for life
But you know this! This is your job, your kids will thrive because you know how to behave in the future

My parents divorced when my brother and were very young. We both excelled at school and developed strong positive friendships groups. My brother is a now consultant dr and I am a successful EA and run my own business. We both have healthy marriages and happy kids of our own. We both have a good relationship with our mum. We both have a relationship with boundaries with our dad. If anything the whole process showed us how to identify what is important in life, create our own boundaries, goals and develop strategies to achieve what we want. Many of our friends with parents together went off the rails, struggled to succeed in life and have struggled with relationships.

I hear what you are saying re messing up kids but the alternative of kids living with miserable parents is messed up adults.
Your separation needn't mess up your kids. Esp since you are so aware of the potential problems.
There are all sorts of ways to mess up kids doesn't mean there aren't ways to cushion the blow and heal from sadness and set backs.
Not just saying it, but you sound like a lovely mum. Your kids will be great bc of that.
Good luck

My parents divorced when I was a baby and I wouldn’t say it had messed me up. I can’t say how different I would be if they had stayed together as that is an unknown.
As long as you can be amicable where the kids are concerned they will be fine.
My husband has children from a previous marriage who are also fine. They are now mid to late twenties.
Good luck.