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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its a (very early) christmas one - sorry!

97 replies

Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:01

My sister is very organised, and it is apparently our turn to host my parents for christmas. I agree. We live around 200 miles away from my parents so they have to stay over.

The issue is that my father is very very judgemental, for want of a better description quite openly rude about my cooking/house/children. He is a highly critical man, and hurts my feelings often when we visit them. I have been LC with my parents for years because of this, he kills my self confidence even if I have become very good at batting away the comments, so I really limit the time I spend with them.

Our house has one small guest bedroom, and I am already feeling (very) stressed at thought of having them here for two nights and three days.

Would it be unreasonable to put them up in the nice hotel at the end of the road (max 2 min walk to our house) and obviously pay for them to be there? My dh thinks it is mean of us to do this, and we will be depriving them of the spirit of christmas or some such sentimentality. Dh tends to always forget about how bad my father is until is reminded me by a stinging comment or two, and then says never again! I intend to have them here all day, every day catering for them as usual over christmas, but just need some space at the end of the day to relax without them.

I think they would be okay about staying there, it is really nice and very close, and will stop me from feeling so vulnerable/stressed when they are here.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 04/09/2019 15:04

Sounds perfectly reasonable, especially if you’re in the “middle of decorating” the spare room! Wink

73Sunglasslover · 04/09/2019 15:05

Personally I think your needs and emotions in this are important too You don't have to invite them at all and if you decide you want to then it's fine to say to them that you find it a bit stressful being all crammed in the house and hence you'll pay for a hotel room for them (and breakfast there too!). They may not like it but that's what your offering and they don't have to come if they don't like it. Stand firm and look after yourself.

Jennifer2r · 04/09/2019 15:05

Just do it. Absolutely 100 percent do it. If it makes you feel better tell them a small white lie about why the spare room isn't available.

For the love of God do it woman 😊

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 15:05

If you feel you really have to have them, then do it. Book it now, then present it as s fait accompli nearer the time.

aprilanne · 04/09/2019 15:06

Personally that sounds like a good compromise. If they want they Can come early Christmas morning it's your time as well don't be miserable just to suit your parents

ChangeItChild · 04/09/2019 15:08

This is a great idea, your parents can dip in and out of the family Christmas routine as they wish. If your DF starts getting grumpy and annoyed he can retreat to his hotel for some peace and quiet before he starts being unkind.

Chitarra · 04/09/2019 15:08

I think this would be fine, but it's possible they'll be offended. People are weird! So I advise that you decide in advance of the conversation how firm you are going to be if they protest. Are you just suggesting this? Or will you do your best to make sure it happens?

paap1975 · 04/09/2019 15:10

Could you make the hotel stay into their Christmas present, do you think?

Original poster
Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:10

Thank you!!! I am already feeling my hunched shoulders relaxing.
Over the years I have been boiling with rage in the bathroom trying to soothe my frazzled feathers after another one of his put downs, and I am always worried I will 'ruin christmas' by telling him to get stuffed one of these days. He finds the noise annoying, so christmas really grates on him. At least if there is a hotel he can take himself off somewhere else.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 04/09/2019 15:14

Yes the hotel is a great idea, your dad can complain all he likes, keep in mind he likes to complain anyway.
If they are offended so what at least they're invited.

Skittlenommer · 04/09/2019 15:15

Just don’t agree to host! Why put yourself through it? For what? We stopped celebrating Christmas altogether and it’s the best thing we’ve ever done! People just leave us alone now, no faff and no hassle!

StoneofDestiny · 04/09/2019 15:15

Sounds more than reasonable and very generous.

Original poster
Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:16

I was thinking of presenting it as a 'its this or nothing'. I can't go down the special treat route because no doubt he will say it is a waste of money and use it is as another way to get to criticise me.

I was thinking of saying:

We'd love to have you for christmas, it is squashed in the house now the dc are teens and it is very noisy with hideous teen music. For your comfort over christmas I have booked a lovely room for you in xx hotel so you can have some peace and quiet too. So looking forward to it. Love Headache.

What do you think?

I thought about saying the guest room is infested with fleas or some such excuse but not sure it will fly so to speak!

OP posts:
Drogonssmile · 04/09/2019 15:17

Sounds good to me. I'd definitely do it Thanks

Sexnotgender · 04/09/2019 15:18

Definitely not being unreasonable!!

I’d do it with the in-laws given the chance.

Original poster
Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:18

I have managed to swerve christmas for three years in a row. So I need to help out my sister, and can not leave her with them again. I don't think her marriage will survive one more christmas with them (her words not mine)

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 04/09/2019 15:22

Absolutely, do it! I can't see why they wouldn't also be quietly delighted, to be honest, but if they do say something, just say, "Well, you hate the noise, don't you? I thought you'd be more comfortable"

flouncyfanny · 04/09/2019 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasLily · 04/09/2019 15:23

I think it's perfectly fine and they may enjoy having the extra space too. Maybe you can disassemble the bed in the guest room and say it broke, so you're putting them in the hotel until you get time to fix it? (Just pop out a screw or something). Just an idea but your note sounds great too! Good luck.

Original poster
Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:23

Hotel is really not expensive at all, it is very, very good value, if I consider time it is going to take for dh and I to clean the house, and particularly their room will need to be spotless. Everywhere will need to be. So it will be days of cleaning or he will notice it. At least this way I only need to worry about downstairs, and my dreadful cooking.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 04/09/2019 15:24

Do it do it do it Flowers

Sexnotgender · 04/09/2019 15:24

Do it! Do it now and forget about it.

One less thing to stress about. Paint it as a treat for them.

flouncyfanny · 04/09/2019 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:26

Just picking up dc from school, thank you so much all, you have given me the confidence to stick by my plan. Dh will be saying after an hour of dad's moaning what a bad idea it was to invite them, I am sure of it! I will check back

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 04/09/2019 15:26

Also fine to say, at the first snarky comment, Dad, we love having you here but that was a very rude/hurtful thing to say and isn’t really how you treat family. Let’s remember it’s Christmas eh? Or whatever. You’re an adult, no one gets to walk over you in your own home.

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