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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Its a (very early) christmas one - sorry!

97 replies

Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:01

My sister is very organised, and it is apparently our turn to host my parents for christmas. I agree. We live around 200 miles away from my parents so they have to stay over.

The issue is that my father is very very judgemental, for want of a better description quite openly rude about my cooking/house/children. He is a highly critical man, and hurts my feelings often when we visit them. I have been LC with my parents for years because of this, he kills my self confidence even if I have become very good at batting away the comments, so I really limit the time I spend with them.

Our house has one small guest bedroom, and I am already feeling (very) stressed at thought of having them here for two nights and three days.

Would it be unreasonable to put them up in the nice hotel at the end of the road (max 2 min walk to our house) and obviously pay for them to be there? My dh thinks it is mean of us to do this, and we will be depriving them of the spirit of christmas or some such sentimentality. Dh tends to always forget about how bad my father is until is reminded me by a stinging comment or two, and then says never again! I intend to have them here all day, every day catering for them as usual over christmas, but just need some space at the end of the day to relax without them.

I think they would be okay about staying there, it is really nice and very close, and will stop me from feeling so vulnerable/stressed when they are here.

OP posts:

SuzieSunshine · 04/09/2019 17:14

Sorry if I've missed this but does your mum realise how critical your dad is to you or is she just used to it? I think the hotel is a perfect solution and when it's your turn again - book the hotel. You'll never have to worry again!! Have a good one :)

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 04/09/2019 17:15

It's a great idea.

My dad and his wife always book a B&B close to us when they visit. They simply find it all too much and need their own space. Also my spare room is shite ...

billybagpuss · 04/09/2019 17:18

Our house sounds very similar to yours with just a small spare room that’s only recently become spare as dd1 moved out. Our neighbours run 2 rooms as Airbnb. I book sil in there and I like Sil, in your situation I wouldn’t think twice.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 04/09/2019 17:21

I think you are unreasonable to feel obliged to have them at all. It sounds completely miserable.

If you have them, definitely put them in a hotel and at the slightest hint of criticism I'd give them a warning that they won't be welcome again if it continues.

You don't have to put up with rudeness just because it's your parents.

shearwater · 04/09/2019 17:21

^"Golly, when I don't see you so often I forget how terribly rude you can be!"
"Yes, yes we all know you think I am a terrible cook but I am afraid it is this or nothing"^

That's the approach I started taking with my dad, making such comments quite breezily. It did embarrass him and make him think, at least. I don't know if he realised how hurtful he could be.

shearwater · 04/09/2019 17:26

What I wouldn't stand for at all was when he started on DDs. They are good kids, always being praised for being kind and lovely and do well at school. Of course they aren't perfect and can be a bit messy. He went on about it like it was the worst thing in the world - I think he thought I was far too soft on them, when in reality if I told them off, it wouldn't be in front of him, and I pick my battles.

user87382294757 · 04/09/2019 17:27

My elderly dad is a hoarder and when I visit I stay in a hotel nearby- it works really well, we meet in a cafe and it gets him out his flat- so I recommend this idea for visiting relatives when it is tricky.

Dinner at the hotel could also be an option, you can leave when you want then. It can very much help meeting in a public space with difficult relatives as you can leave when you wish.

user87382294757 · 04/09/2019 17:28

Also it they grumble it is their choice- stay at the hotel or don't come!

TempleCloud · 04/09/2019 17:31

There is no rule which says either you or your sister has to have them for Christmas at all.

If pushed, I heard you were both going away at Christmas.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/09/2019 17:34

I couldn't have people so mean in my home for even five minutes at christmas. How ungrateful that you spend your time cooking and cleaning for him to find fault in it?

Tell him you've changed religion and no longer celebrate christmas. Tell him you're away for christmas. Tell him any old nonsense that means you get he christmas you want.

AngelApples · 04/09/2019 17:35

Sounds ghastly. The older I get the more I don’t give a shit about what my dreadful PILs think. They get us for Christmas every second year and I refuse to ever stay there for Christmas again after the c* (aka MIL) caused the most awful row about the most trivial thing a couple of years back.

Upside is DH and I get to enjoy Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with our wonderful DC without those assholes. And by going to their house for a late Christmas Day lunch, we can leave when we want (definitely in time for kids’ bath). The food is nice and the atmosphere fine, I’ll just never forgive her or potentially ruin our holiday. And she doesn’t get the fun Christmas bits with their only grandchildren, which is recompense for being a cow 😂

Can you go to them instead?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 04/09/2019 17:36

Definitely do it! For similar reasons my parents have never stayed overnight in any home I have rented or bought since I left home 20 years ago. There's enough criticism in a visit lasting a few hours without adding overnight into the mix.

gilliansgardenbench · 04/09/2019 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whattodowith · 04/09/2019 17:55

Why do you need to host them at all? He sounds like a vile bully. I don’t see why it’s ‘your turn’ to deal with him bullying you in your own home tbh.

Harriedharriet · 04/09/2019 18:05

Do it. Don't announce anything. Seriously, a day or two before with a breezy 'loud teens, smelly feet ' etc. If he is what you say then the less said the better and the less warning the better.
Enjoy your Christmas.

RandomMess · 04/09/2019 18:28

Just tell them it's their turn to have Christmas on their own as they are so critical and unkind no one wants to spend it with them...

Sorry to sound harsh but they sound awful!

mankyfourthtoe · 04/09/2019 18:44

Just reserve a room don't pay unless they say they are coming.
And seconded the book a meal out too if you can afford it.

Original poster

Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 18:45

Thanks all! Made me guffaw loudly at pick up reading some of your posts

To answer a few questions:

I have pulled my father up on a number of occasions, and asked him to leave the house at one particularly awful halloween party. I do tell him to stop being rude, and then he tells me I can't take a 'joke', even though he wasn't joking and nothing was funny. He hides behind non existent humour every time someone pulls him up, he'll say it is you not understanding HIS humour, so it is your fault and not his.

I have stopped having them here because he was annoying me so much, and because I am an adult and don't need to tolerate shoddy behaviour anymore. I make exceptions at best once or twice a year, I do the absolute bear minimum, so I can live with myself (and not for them)

My parents have never ever had christmas on their own. My mother would have a breakdown if the possibility ever arose. Yes I know it is ridiculous, but that is how she feels. If I pulled out, my sister would end up caving in and would have them again. Its not fair on her.

My father brings his own christmas dinner, and it is a little insulting but I try not to take it personally. He brings his own pre cooked turkey, gravy and stuffing. I am not sure how he will manage this in the hotel. I have told him we have all of these things, but no, he insists it is not the same as his. What can you do?!

They are going in the hotel, or they are not coming. The choice is theirs, they should be glad they have an invitation to anywhere at all to be frank. It is not going to be an option to stay here. I haven't got it in me to hold my tongue now that I am peri menopausal, and have enough to contend with as it is. With short bursts I may be able to maintain bright and breezy grey rock christmas style and gritted teeth! :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 18:46

bear = bare

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/09/2019 18:48

Invite your sister and family so there is no room for the parents...

gilliansgardenbench · 04/09/2019 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wonkybanana · 04/09/2019 19:06

Make sure you warn your sister beforehand, and help her to have ways of saying to the parents that they're not coming to hers, they've been invited to headache's but if they don't want to take up the invitation they'll be on their own.

Because the problem with They are going in the hotel, or they are not coming. is that it's absolutely the right thing for you to do for your own sanity and family, but if they take the hump they may decide to pressurise sis instead anyway - and from what you've written, you wouldn't want to put her in that position.

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