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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Its a (very early) christmas one - sorry!

97 replies

Christmasheadache · 04/09/2019 15:01

My sister is very organised, and it is apparently our turn to host my parents for christmas. I agree. We live around 200 miles away from my parents so they have to stay over.

The issue is that my father is very very judgemental, for want of a better description quite openly rude about my cooking/house/children. He is a highly critical man, and hurts my feelings often when we visit them. I have been LC with my parents for years because of this, he kills my self confidence even if I have become very good at batting away the comments, so I really limit the time I spend with them.

Our house has one small guest bedroom, and I am already feeling (very) stressed at thought of having them here for two nights and three days.

Would it be unreasonable to put them up in the nice hotel at the end of the road (max 2 min walk to our house) and obviously pay for them to be there? My dh thinks it is mean of us to do this, and we will be depriving them of the spirit of christmas or some such sentimentality. Dh tends to always forget about how bad my father is until is reminded me by a stinging comment or two, and then says never again! I intend to have them here all day, every day catering for them as usual over christmas, but just need some space at the end of the day to relax without them.

I think they would be okay about staying there, it is really nice and very close, and will stop me from feeling so vulnerable/stressed when they are here.

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 04/09/2019 16:05

Will your parents even want to travel to yours? Has anyone asked them yet? Don't book anything until they confirm they will travel. With a bit of luck (for you) they will decline. My parents got to a stage where travelling was just too much effort and preferred to stay home. If they do accept your offer to spend Christmas with you, then tell them you will book the hotel as it will give them a bit of peace. If they try to stop you, remind them that DF has previously complained. Throw it back at him. And then just book it. If they absolutely insist on staying in your house, you and Dh stay in the hotel and leave them in the house with the teens - and I'm serious about that. You'll need space from them.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/09/2019 16:07

Definitely hotel for the reasons you have described

CrispMornings · 04/09/2019 16:08

MIL and FIL came to us every year for about 12 years. Èvery year was the same. They expected to be waited on hand and foot and FIL had to have things just so. They were of course my guests. Soooooo, I put my foot down and insisted a cottage was booked an hours drive from them (a nice big one with two reception rooms and a huge kitchen/dining/family area. They were invited Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing day. So we got a few days at the beginnong and end rather than their usual full week. They were also given a list of things to bring and because it wasn't my house it was easier to expect them to help a bit.

It worked brilliantly and we said we would always do it. Only problem was FIL died six months later. So MIL who's the more difficult one comes every year for a week, snarks and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2019 16:14

Make sure your H gets the message that this is not his decision to make. They are your parents and all the work will be falling on you, so your H can just abide by what you think is best. And well done for making this plan and sticking to it.

LellyMcKelly · 04/09/2019 16:17

I would LOVE to be given a hotel room for three days as a Christmas treat, or a pretty AirBnB. Open my presents, wolf down my dinner and hare off back there for a bit of peace!

MatildaTheCat · 04/09/2019 16:18

No brainer.

I would also consider doing either an early Christmas visit or between Christmas and New Year citing the teens as an excuse (want to go out for Christmas dinner to insert a place your parents would hate/ will want to spend all day on their new games).

But then again I’m quite mean.

bluebeck · 04/09/2019 16:20

I don't really understand why either you or your DSIS has to host them for Christmas? Are they not able to spend it together? What would they do if you were each spending Christmas abroad/elsewhere?

I say this in light of the fact that DF treats you appallingly. Why would you want to spend Christmas with him?

If you really want to have them though I agree with this

Will your parents even want to travel to yours? Has anyone asked them yet? Don't book anything until they confirm they will travel. With a bit of luck (for you) they will decline

It's a bit rude to just assume they are coming and book hotel ahead of invitation. Invite them, saying invite is to stay at hotel as there will be no room at house. If they decline, get the flags out.

gilliansgardenbench · 04/09/2019 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 04/09/2019 16:23

"I don't really understand why either you or your DSIS has to host them for Christmas? "

Yup!

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 04/09/2019 16:27

He sounds awful. And you reap what you sow - why should you or your sis have to have him for Xmas, the mean old buzzard?

justasking111 · 04/09/2019 16:34

My FIL used to bugger off after a large xmas lunch and I wondered why. FF to my own grand children, my OH likes to bugger off these days. It is because they get indigestion and want to sit on the throne in peace and quiet then have a good nap. I think it is a brilliant idea.

My OH huffs and puffs that the family did not come to us on xmas day, he forgets that the children get up uber early, get crazily excited about presents and do not want to leave them behind on the day. We had them on boxing day last year OH was thank god when they left it really is full on with children and it does not suit grumpy old men.

JetPlanesMeeting · 04/09/2019 16:34

Maybe the OP is hosting them because she likes her Mother but they obviously come as a package deal and so her Dad is always there too.

Yes to hotel, that way you can say we'll see you at X on whatever day giving you peace in the mornings too. Win, win.

I always like the quote from The Good Wife where she says something like, "How about you tell me when I do something right?"

But I have actually said to my own Father (also likes to put me down) "Good job I no longer need your approval for the things I do." it felt really good.

SeekingShade · 04/09/2019 16:55

YABU to host them at all. It won't kill them to spend Christmas just the two of them.

BeepBeeeep · 04/09/2019 16:55

Book them into a hotel as others have said.
Cook dinner for 14.00.
Kick them out at 16.00.

Tell them you won't be home until noon due to prior arrangement and you have a prior arrangement to visit your in laws at 16.00.

I may or may not have used this tactic previously.

shearwater · 04/09/2019 16:56

You sound good to have them at all, but if you do, dealing with them in small doses seems a good idea, so that you all have some personal space.

AtillatheHun · 04/09/2019 16:57

one set of my inlaws (divorced) come every single christmas and stay. They expect to be waited on, served generous amounts of booze and then fall asleep in front of the tv (their choice of show while they sleep) without lifting a finger, and with asides about "not being a natural homemaker" / how uncomfortable the chairs are. Last year, they stayed in a hotel. Apparently they no longer stay in SIL's house either and always pick a hotel instead so that they can keep to their own hours / quirks / etc without being inconveninced by the usual running of their grandchildren's lives.

It was great. Do it.

INeedAFlerken · 04/09/2019 17:01

YOu don't actually have to do any of this, tbh. Holidays are already very 'loaded' in so many ways for so many people. Just say no, you don't get on well enough to host them for the holidays, end of.

1Wildheartsease · 04/09/2019 17:02

We did this with a difficult relation when we had a house full of teens/tweens and it worked really well!

He liked the freedom it gave him and he did go off for a quiet nap when it suited him. He was much more cheerful and much easier to live with that Christmas.

SunshineCake · 04/09/2019 17:02

Could you give yourself the best ever Christmas present ever ?

Dear dad, father, his name

I would love to help our dear sister by hosting Christmas for everyone this year and have considered booking local hotel for you and mother to stay for X nights. However, I will not tolerate anymore of your rudeness, put downs, cruelty so if you feel you can't be pleasant in my home please feel free to decline this invitation.

Do let me know by x date what your decision is

All the best Christmas headache.

Willow2017 · 04/09/2019 17:03

You don't have to.have anyone in your house who treats you disrespectfully.
A hotel is a good compromise but only if you really want them there. They are adults and can cope with Christmas on their own if they can't be nice to.people. Let your f think on why he isn't invited or maybe just invite your mum?

If you do invite botg make it clear from the get go.that he doesn't get to criticize. One word and he can spend the text of the time in the hotel.
It's Christmas if he can't respect you and your hospitality then sod him.

Drum2018 · 04/09/2019 17:05

Good job I no longer need your approval for the things I do

I like that. @Christmasheadache practice saying that and do so every time he criticises.

gilliansgardenbench · 04/09/2019 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 04/09/2019 17:07

Great idea, my elderly parents much prefer staying in a local hotel rather than stay in a busy house with boisterous children / teenagers , they always offer and pay for themselves. I am the same, I really don’t want to stay in someone else’s house, even if it was my grown up child’s, much prefer to go to a comfortable hotel .

5foot5 · 04/09/2019 17:09

I am always worried I will 'ruin Christmas' by telling him to get stuffed one of these days.

But that is exactly what you should do. Does nobody ever challenge him on this rude and critical behaviour? Does he treat your sister like this? What does your mother do /say when he behaves like his?

Just because he has always got away with this behaviour is no reason not to stand up to him now. Maybe you can do it in a dismissive sort of way without getting angry:

"Golly, when I don't see you so often I forget how terribly rude you can be!"
"Yes, yes we all know you think I am a terrible cook but I am afraid it is this or nothing"

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2019 17:09

He finds the noise annoying, so christmas really grates on him. At least if there is a hotel he can take himself off somewhere else.

Well, there you go, then. You are the epitome of a thoughtful hostess and thinking of your guests’ comfort.

Do it immediately.

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