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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this family for leaving their young dc home alone?

329 replies

Hmmmmminteresting · 03/09/2019 22:21

New family moved in opposite. They're a bit strange. 2 dc age approx 8 or 9 and then another age 3 or 4.
Every morning the DM takes the DP to work at around 6.15 am. Shes gone around 20 mins. Leaves the kids at home, no sign of any lights on so I assume they're in bed and she doesn't want to stir them.
What also makes me nervous is that she doesn't lock the front door. She gets home and just pushes handle down and shes straight in.
Do I keep my nose out or report it?
My close friend has begged me to report however shes a social worker in training!

OP posts:
Aberhonddu · 04/09/2019 00:07

@Hmmmmminteresting
Madeline's parents seem to be very rigorous in their policing of comments on social media about them.
Your concerns about the children appear to have changed. In the first instance you seemed to be bothered that they were left alone. Now it appears that your concern is about the regularity of them being left alone. You've moved the goalposts and bringing in Madeline's parents will not help you resolve this situation.
Either you report them or you don't. If you wanted a thread about how awful Madeline's parents were, I don't think it's going to happen for you.

Owlpoorlypaw · 04/09/2019 00:11

Please, please report this. By doing so it won’t necessarily go to SS but will be checked out to see if it is acceptable (older children safeguarding etc) or if the parents need some guidance on keeping young children safe. You have no way of knowing their circumstances - the appropriate professionals will or can find out. By no means is this being nosy, judge or vindictive, it is the right thing to do - as PP have said you don’t really know their circumstances and you would never forgive yourself if something would were to happen.

BigChocFrenzy · 04/09/2019 00:17

expat It's the difference between a poster asking what they should do with their own Dc
vs reporting to SS what other parents do with their DC

If the OP's neighbour posted, she'd indeed get her arse handed to her

The quesion isn't whether this is good parenting: it isn't in 2019
but is it bad enough to call SS

I'm one of those who was left for an hour or two at age 7, just like I was sent to the corner shop at the same age, or went roaming outside with friends for hours, without adults

That was normal then, early 1960s, but not now
My parents were very good and caring, btw

My only near-death experience was about age 5, when the car I was in was hit at speed from the side
I'd say an extra car journey is riskier than being left at home

crustycrab · 04/09/2019 00:20

Wow. No it's not ok that they are left. If she's only gone 20 mins to get there and back he could walk or get a taxi. Ridiculous to leave those kids.

BetsyBigNose · 04/09/2019 00:29

In your shoes, if was was really concerned, I would make the effort to strike up a conversation with one of the parents and just let them know that you are up and about that time in the morning and if her DCs ever needed an adult for that brief period in the morning, they are more than welcome to knock on your door. Give them your phone number and ask for theirs so you can contact them if there was an emergency.

I wouldn't personally be that worried about this. You seem to be doing a relatively good job of keeping a vague eye out (albeit not on purpose!) so if, for example, the house caught fire, it's likely that you would spot it and would be able to run over and help. Or if a random stranger seemed to be scoping out the house or attempting to enter, you'd be able to pop over and ask what they're up to etc.

I certainly wouldn't report it to anyone!

pussincahoots · 04/09/2019 00:35

sigh

I once posted on MN with concerns about a child’s welfare. I’m not a stalker/nosy/seeking drama etc etc and am very much an each to their own type, but was genuinely concerned and hoped for some perspective before I decided whether it was a situation I should intervene in.

Several posters had valuable advice given their vocations so I happily stayed out of it feeling reassured it was the right thing to do.

However, an equal proportion of posters ripped into me in the most childish fashion. Accusations of dripfeeding, accusations of being a troll, accusations of hating women... it’s always the same when someone posts something like this. Why the hell would the OP have bad intentions? Get your heads out of your asses, people, and stick to the point - which is not your need to feel morally superior.

Owlpoorlypaw · 04/09/2019 00:38

BetsyBigNose - can I respectfully ask why you would ‘certainly not report it to anyone?’ There is a child/ren unknown to the OP at risk. Voicing a concern to the appropriate authorities is the obvious solution

SunniDay · 04/09/2019 00:38

I would report it anonymously - it's up to social services to decide if they feel it serious enough / hitting thresholds for safeguarding in some way. This is not a decision that you need to make.

I think you said your social worker in training friend is urging you to report it. I'd say they have more training to do as if someone has disclosed a child protection concern to them then they have a duty to disclose it (in their position) and are not at liberty to keep it a secret.

wurlycurly · 04/09/2019 00:46

I wouldn’t report a situation like this. There is no cruelty. It isn’t neglect, it’s 20 minutes. I’d assume the older child is briefed in what to do in case of fire etc. IF there is obvious danger or abuse, then report

hotwaterbottle12 · 04/09/2019 01:12

I would. There's a difference between taking kids out in a car, supervised, because you have to and leaving them at home alone. It's a weird comparison to make.

hotwaterbottle12 · 04/09/2019 01:15

Leaving my 8 year old for half an hour www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3682227-Leaving-my-8-year-old-for-half-an-hour

StillMe1 · 04/09/2019 01:19

The fault is with the adults. I don't know why any woman would want to leave her children home alone in order to drive a grown man to work (or wherever). Why can't men take themselves to work.
I am sure there are plenty of men who manage to go to work under their own efforts.
It is the leaving the children in order to ferry a man around that I find irritating.

crustycrab · 04/09/2019 01:23

@StillMe1 exactly.

Pricedrop · 04/09/2019 01:31

this WILL NOT meet threshold for SS to respond too. absolutely no way, I would report this. a more useful thing to do would be to let the mum know that if the kids wake up and get scared/need help, that they can come to you? that is an arrangement that I would set up if I was in that situation; identify a neighbour that my kids could go to if something unusual happened

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 01:40

OP I did read your posts and I still think it's mad that you notice what they do every morning.

Chill the fuck out instead of having a go at people who have a different opinion to you.

Mumsymumphy · 04/09/2019 01:42

Please just check with the family set-up first before reporting.

I often nip to the shop in a morning. Neighbours may think i've left my 2 youngest home alone. What they may not know is that my 26 year old daughter is at home too. She works long hours, often comes in at silly o'clock when nobody is up. Even if a neighbour were to see her coming in at night, it's quite possible they would think she is me anyway (same height, build, hair etc) A few times she's had neighbours say "Hello Mumsy!" to her and she's had to explain that she's my daughter! (makes me chuffed though 😁)

What I'm saying is - there could well be other, older people in the house that you don't know are there.

Derbee · 04/09/2019 01:46

If the mother asked if it was ok to leave the kids for 20 mins every day, people on here would say no. I would say no.

Bit it’s different asking whether you should report someone to SS because they’ve made a different judgment than you would. There is no law, because there is no black and white.

It’s not ok for them to be left for 20 mins, but it’s also not ok that a nosy neighbour reports them for doing nothing illegal. PPs on here saying they know what neglect is clearly don’t, or have a very low threshold.

Save your concern for SS for children who are actually in need of safe guarding

Bufferingkisses · 04/09/2019 01:50

OP, come back in a day or two and repost this with slightly different writing style and you'll get your arse handed to you because you've not called already and you're personally endangering those children because of it

Mumsnet is weird. Fwiw it's never wrong to inform SS of concerns like this. They may think you're overreacting, they may not. However they're paid to make that call, you are simply a bystander who may or may not be noticing small indications of neglect. Do as they constantly ask us to do and report concerns, large or small.

Dillydallyingthrough · 04/09/2019 02:08

Safeguarding is everyones responsibility. PLEASE report/discuss this with someone more qualified than you to make the assessment. If the children are otherwise happy and healthy it will be case closed. If they are not you could have protected two children from harm.

TimeForNewStart · 04/09/2019 02:28

I don’t think there doing anything particularly risky. Leave them be.

Coyoacan · 04/09/2019 02:38

MN is so weird sometimes. Single parent posts if it's acceptable to nip out to the shop for ten mins while children are asleep and gets her arse handed to her on a plate and you post this and are getting your arse handed to you about a couple doing this daily

There are also different combinations of people every time.

avamiah · 04/09/2019 03:04

We are talking about 3 young children here and OP has raised a concern so forget about calling Social Services .
You call the Police straight away and they will come out immediately and do a safety/welfare check .Nobody will know that OP called the police when they attend .

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 03:36

"MN is so weird sometimes. Single parent posts if it's acceptable to nip out to the shop for ten mins while children are asleep and gets her arse handed to her"

It's almost like there are different people with different opinions on here!

avamiah · 04/09/2019 03:46

Yes there are different opinions on here which I’m ok with but not when it’s about the welfare of a child .
I just don’t get it as I have neighbours who will call the police if a house/car alarm doesn’t go off after 15 minutes.
I personally would give it 20 mins .

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 04/09/2019 03:46

I would call the nspcc for advice, let an expert decide if they should be referred to SS. I would never forgive myself if something awful happened to those children and I hadn’t reported my concerns!