To continue working and send my dd to state school?

[Nostealthboast]

So before the lambasting and the posts come out in force I just want to begin my saying this isn’t a stealth boast, hence the name change, I’m just after some advice as I can’t really talk to anymore irl at the moment.

Parent died recently, it was very sudden and unexpected. Self employed with a large property portfolio and multiple businesses. Had the will read and me and my siblings are the beneficiaries. Since the death we’ve discovered our beneficial interest is substantial, parent had independent wealth but had also recently been the beneficiary of someone else’s will.

Total value is approx £10m split between 3. This is a life changing amount and I’m still so grief stricken I’m not sure i’m thinking straight but I fully intend on returning to work (currently on mat leave). My other parent thinks I’m being selfish and ridiculous but I love my career, it’s a massive part of who I am.

DD will have suitable childcare whilst I’m in work but I’ve been having discussions about state school vs private school. Where we live State schools are v good and I am vehemently oppose to private education, I’ve been labelled selfish but am I?

A few people close to me know about the windfall and have asked am I going to move, switch out my car etc. and I feel a bit pissed off if I’m honest because I miss my parent more than words can describe and tbh I’m not mentally in a place where I can even begin to think about spending my parents hard earned cash. It feels wrong.

Has anyone been in a similar position where they’ve had unexpected inheritance?

Op it's sounds like you need to keep things as they are right now. Wait for the inheritance to actually filter through it can take years.

Or have some bereavement time out.
Re being selfish, it's down to you but as you know where money buys freedom it's good to consider what your child would feel is best. It's a position many are not in. So it would be worth when things are calmer and less pressured to perhaps consider it from the child's view and then consider your own needs within this new framework.

It's specific to you and your career but it's not unheard of to take some time out or go part time then increase as they get older.

They are only little for the blink of an eye whereas we can all work until the day we die.
As for private school I think again I would put the child first and just look at what's available... Talk to people.

People may say the private schools near you are crap, have bullying issues, badly run.. They may say the opposite. I would look at the child, their needs and where they would fit best.
I have two dc, one is solid pupil who will do well anywhere, the other I'd love to put into our small local private school who would have smaller classes and time to give her attention she needs.

When someone dies suddenly people do tend to jump in.. What will you do what will you do...

Take deep breath ignore.. Look after yourself and don't make any promises or anything....take all the time you need.

Sorry for your loss op.

Not unexpected that we would inherit but the shock of the sudden deaths was an awful blow. You are in a sort of fog for a time. Probate thankfully takes ages so by the time the estate is settled hopefully you will be able to think more clearly. I am sorry OP it truly is a dreadful thing to happen.

The money won't disappear if you don't spend it immediately so tell everyone to back off and let you grieve.

Maybe further down the line you'll want to drop hours, maybe the local secondary schools will fall down tbe rankings over the next decade and private will be a good idea, maybe you'll see a plot of land and decide to self build. Who knows. All that matters right now if grieving for your Dad

I think the advice witha big sum is to do nothing for a year apart from maybe have a good holiday or buy a new car if you need one ( but normal type not Ferrari). And you will be grieving so that makes sense too. I've not had any kind of windfall but I don't see why it would change what you would do about schooling. I believe Paul McCartneys kids went to state schools! When my dad died it took about 9 months to wind everything up and he had pennies. It's such a shame your financial good fortune is because of a death though.

Coming from NI, where we don't really have private education as such (especially not outside Belfast), the whole public school thing baffles me. Even calling it PUBLIC school?!

I don't get why private education is seen to be better? Funding, maybe, but a shite teacher is a shite teacher no matter what classroom you put them in. I've had some fantastic teachers and some poor ones. It's just one of those things. There's a lot more to success and happiness at school than how much it cost to send the child there.

I've worked with some english ex public school students too. All they had was an accent. I had better a-levels.

I’m sorry for your loss.

If your state schools are actually good, why would you spend on private? There’s no need. Just keep the situation under review for secondary.

If you like your job - keep doing it. It might want to consider reducing your hours, but wait and see if you (a) want to and (b) whether it’s actually something your. Hold needs you to do. Again - nothing is compulsory.

If I won that much I’d probably move to somewhere with decent state schools and get a house with some land and change career. But that’s me - you do what’s best for you :)

BogglesGoggles you are assuming that the only thing one gets out of school is an academic education. I am a product of state schools and so are my dc's (private school was a financially viable option for both me and them). I (and they) learned so much about humanity and life lessons and compassion and the world at large from my (our) state schools that my (their) private schooled peers don't know and will never learn.
OP - sorry for your loss. Just as others have said...please take time to absorb the loss before making any life changing choices. I had to leave my career to care for a sick child and I am very sad now that I don't have the career that I loved and am struggling at 56 to find a new one. I have no regrets for my choices because I really didn't have one - my child needed me and he is still alive because of my care...but you have a choice, don't make it impulsively.

Sooverthemill Paul McCartney's dc were PAul McCartney's dc so they really didn't need the benefits of independent schools. Hell, they could have forgone school altogether and they would not have suffered.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad I wouldn't make any big decisions for now - bank the money and learn to live with the grief before spending it all.

And if anything I think it's less selfish to wait and only spend the money if needed - you could use that money to help your children go to private school if they end up needing it, or pay for a tutor in a specific subject(s), or help them go to university debt-free. The sad death of my grandmother enabled me to not have any student debt - whilst I'd rather have her back, that has made a huge difference to my financial situation in my 20s, much more than A-levels from a private school would have.

Private school and a 'nicer car' aren't necessarily the best use of your money. Don't listen to what anyone else says - spend it when you want, on things YOU and your children need, not what someone else would do!

I’m sorry for your loss. It can be really hard to get your head around a large inheritance and yours is far larger than most. For what it’s worth, at that level of wealth, I think your lives will change. I’d also think about the lifestyle you’ll have and whether your children will fit in at the state school. You might have different views on primary v secondary.

For me personally, the offering at our local prep is obviously superior to our outstanding state primary. If I could afford it I’d jump at the chance. Wrap around care is also better.

I’d also say if you can carry on working but go part-time you might be happier. I think my children would far prefer me at home than working but part-time at least gives some balance. I don’t know what I’d do with a lump sum your size to be honest but I’d be tempted to quit despite getting a lot of pleasure from work.

As others have said probate and sorting of assets will take some time. tell others not their business. I would look around for a good independent financial adviser and solicitor to 1 help with investing money and 2 writing your own will so you are happy your wishes should something happen be clear.

if you want to work carry on I would. i would imagine working knowing you dont have to would take any pressure off and you can afford whatever childcare you want. if you are happy with state school use them again if in time you are not happy with them cash gives you options.

I would take a break think about priorities and what you want in life before spending a penny.

Don't discuss it any further outside the family.
Don't do anything serious for at least a year.
Take expert financial planning advice.
You are free to decide about state vs private. It's a decision for you as a family.
And of course you would swap it in a heartbeat for another day with your dad.
Brace yourself for stupid comments about being lucky.

Might it be worth just having a bit of a chat with a bereavement counsellor? They're specially trained for this kind of situation.

When I've lost people close to me, the general advice, very wise advice, from both those counsellors and other friends and family who've had similar losses, was not to make ANY major life decisions AT ALL until at least a year had passed. I don't mean things like a holiday to think things through or a new car, if you have the means, which you evidently do; I mean life decisions like jobs, moving country, buying huge new houses etc.

When you ARE in a position to think more clearly, THEN you can go and get good, sensible advice from the financial type people to make YOUR decisions, not anybody else's.

On the education front, not all state schools are rubbish; not all private schools are brilliant. Those who think private schools are the be-all and end-all might not know that you don't actually need a teaching qualification to teach at a private school outside the UK state system, for instance, although in practice many teachers hold them.

I am so sorry for your loss - you sound like a very sensible, grounded person and your family sounds very lucky to have you. You don't really ever get over it, but in time, you will get stronger.

My friend had a similar dilemma but when her daughter decided to do medicine she moved her to private school for 5th and 6th year. She knew her daughter would get more intensive treatment at private school but apparently in medicine there are prejudices about the schools you go to so that was part of the reason.

I’m very sorry for your loss

Take some time to grieve and adjust before making any decisions.

You may be against private school now but things might change in the future. My son was actually at private school but had an awful time there. I moved him to a state school happy in the knowledge that I can use the money saved to help him in other ways like supporting his love of music & theatre and in the future I’ll be able to maybe subsidise better accommodation at uni etc.

On the other hand I was able to help Dd follow her passion and send her to a vocational dance college away from home.

You may decide to move to a bigger house in the future, but only if you feel you will be happy there.

Sorry for your loss.
And also sorry to put a dampener on your hopes, but Inheritance Tax could take a large chunk away.
Just carry on as best you can for now, & wait & see how much you actually get.

£3m sounds like a lot, but half of that could easily go on a house.

Hi OP

I'm sorry about your dad. As others have said don't make any major decisions for the next few months.

Not in the same position as you but we could manage on one salary, or send our kids private (my parents very generously offered to pay a substantial amount towards this when they realised that we were looking into it, as a few of our local primary schools are awful).

In the end we decided neither. I think children especially girls benefit from mums working. Parents who work are generally happier than SAHP. These are not my opinions but recent studies I've read. But we are doing what's best for us individually and as a family.

Also we got into an average state school and decided to go with them. Maybe that will change in the future but at the moment I think education is about much more than just academic things - its about being a good friend, treating people equally whatever background etc and I am just uncomfortable with some aspects of private school when there is a viable alternative

Also for us, as our finances are a lot more borderline than yours, we had to think about what would our children like in the future? To have spent the money on education or to have a lump sum to start to start up a business or to put towards a house

But anyway you are making whatever decision is best for your family and for yourself as well. Making yourself unhappy because of what someone else thinks is best for your child isn't ultimately going to help your child

Sorry for your loss op. Mid fifties is far too young to lose a parent.

I think you're right not to stop work - I could never stop working. It's a massive part of who I am and I'd go mad at home.

Same for schooling - nothing wrong with sending your DD to a state school. You can always move her if you feel she's not thriving.

My DS passed the 11+ and chose to go to a (high performing comp) rather than the grammar school. Lots of people openly tell me I'm wrong to have not forced him to go to the grammar. But you need to do what's right for your family so ignore what others' are saying.

Hi op, firstly so sorry for your loss. 53 is no age at all 😕. As others have said, give yourself at least a year to process everything.

I would at some point though, when you’re ready, seek good independent advice about your £3m inheritance.

Re; private schooling, I would at the very least visit a few of the prep schools in your area and just see what you think. There’s no pressure to commit to anything at this stage as your DC is so young. I don’t know where you are in the UK op, but where we are in the South East, private education from age 4-18 is currently estimated at around £250k per child. Just something to keep in mind if you are going down that route.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. DH had a similar situation last year, except he was more aware of the amount he'd receive. We've both carried on as normal, with the exception of paying for DS to see a private Dr as the NHS waiting list was 12 months.

We only have DS and aren't having more, but have always said that we would choose the best school for him which could be state or private. Your daughter is young if you are just returning from maternity leave so no need to rush into a decision, and as others have said it can take a long time to get the money through.

Sorry again for your loss.

You really do have a lot going on.
Losing a parent unexpectedly, not long having given birth, pressure from DH.

I would agree with others that you need to sit on it all for at least a year ... maybe waft the word “mercenary” around within your DH’s hearing once or twice ...

Wrt the latter I’d be ring-fencing a good portion of the money in a trust for your present and future children so that if you were to split in the future, he doesn’t take half of your dad’s hard-earned cash.

Regarding school, just be 100% aware, as I’m sure you are, that the people you and your children would be mixing with may not share your values. They may not live near you, and so on. All of these things make a difference to your quality of life.

The only reason why private school perpetuates a class divide is because state schools don’t provide an adequate education (would you rather everyone was poor educated rather than the majority?)

If state schools were properly resourced and funded, their educational standards would be higher (although of course plenty of state schools are wonderful). And personally I'd prefer the majority to be well educated, which would mean optimum accessibility to good education, which means good state schools properly resourced and funded.

Anyway, OP, I'm so sorry for you losing your father. And you needn't care what people think about your decisions.

Is this £10m after IH, or before? That could be a huge deduction from what you think you will get. It also sounds as if probate will be complicated, so just stay as you are for now.

Private school is a big commitment and, if it’s not for you, you won’t embrace the school or enjoy being a parent there. On the other hand, if you have a big house, and people know you are wealthy, you will find parents expect more of you at a state school.

For what it’s worth, get a financial portfolio sorted out with Private Banking when you get the money. That’s what we have and it takes the stress away and they plan for you. Try and make sure your DC get some money sooner rather than later via a trust or other savings vehicle. It’s so sad you have inherited this way, but you have the luxury of being able to plan for your DC.

I think you just need time to process what has just happened, and not to make any rash decisions.

Where does your DD actually want to go to school? If she’s happy where she is there’s no reason not to continue, but if she wanted to go to private school it would seem a bit mean to stop her.

Is this coming from her? Sounds more like it’s your mum’s idea.

You should do what is right for you when it is right for you, don't listen to anyone else just yourself and what's right for your children. My kids go to state schools and we are lucky to live in an area where we have a choice of great schools. I work part time and finish in time to pick up from school. I don't need to work, but it keeps me busy and i would be bored otherwise, it's social for me as well as keeping my brain active and up to date with technology!