AIBU to not fully understand if this would fall under the UKs definition of Rape?

[Amibeingamug]

OK, it’s not really much of an AIBU but traffic etc, ya know. New account for this so as not to draw attention.

I have a friend who had started an affair. At some point during the affair she wanted out, it was only a fling that had run its course and she wanted to get back to monogamy as the "main" relationship had significantly improved.

At this point the guy she was sleeping with threatened to tell her partner if she stopped the affair (as well as threatening to ruin her and that if she didn't see him again she would regret it etc). As she’d had a previous affair she was certain that this would ruin their relationship. She went back on the understanding that it happened one time only. This repeated again and again for 4 months. She eventually blocked all contact at which point the guy contacted her partner.

The way I see this there was an element of blackmail and coercion but am unsure if she was raped. She had an option to stop this contact but didn’t want to take that option as she wanted to protect herself and her partner. She said no but couldn’t continue to say no in the face of these threats.

What should she say to the Police? Just describe the events or state the crime they believe has been committed? TIA.

This isn’t rape. It is blackmail though. She had the option to go the police when he was blackmailing her. Or she could just avoid shagging around behind her partners back. I’ve not known anyone that’s reported someone to the police in circumstances like these so I’ve no idea what they’d actually do about it

I don't honestly know, but just openly describing the events and coercion would be sufficient for the police to look into the situation. In all honesty, I'd hope that coercing someone into having sex would be a crime.

In my head I'd lean towards the coercion meaning it was a form of rape because it was against her wishes.

Has she already contacted the police?

It meets the UK definition of blackmail. Maximum sentence for blackmail is 14 years, so not insignificant. Has she any evidence of him making threats before he contacted her partner?

To be clear in what I mean by my answer - it is obvious that your friend did not freely consent to the sex, so to me, that is rape. In terms of thinking about getting justice though, a rape conviction is so hard to achieve in this country that she might be better off trying to prove blackmail. Depends on the evidence she has though, and I guess that would be a decision made by the CPS once police have investigated.

It isn’t rape, but maybe blackmail. Does she have evidence to show the police eg messages where he threatened to tell the partner?

she wanted to protect herself and her partner
🙄 she only wanted to protect herself. She has clearly never wanted to protect her partner...

Of course this isn't rape.
She had a choice - she chose to continue with her affair.

Thanks Guys.
Has she already contacted the police?
No, that is on her list today, she just wasn't sure if she should say that she's been raped. I advised against that as when she tells gives the details they might take a negative view on her complaint (They shouldn't but I've heard a lot of stories about negative police views of abuse against women).

Has she any evidence of him making threats before he contacted her partner?
Yes, she has e-mails/texts etc that explicitly say what I've noted in my OP. Where she begs him to leave her alone and he threatens her.

Or she could just avoid shagging around behind her partners back
I'd like to say that it is lesson learned but this exact scenario happened to her less than a year ago, she was already being blackmailed by the previous guy when she started seeing this one.

It wouldn't be MN without some victim blaming.

Not rape as others have said. Rape is confined to the act itself, and lack of consent or belief of consent at the point of being penetrated with a penis. Unless she is saying she didnt consent to sex, then I wouldn't mention rape.

Blackmail much more relevant and coercive control too. I would contact police in those terms.

This is the same scenerio that happened to me. I had an affair. The other person wouldn't let me end it to the point where I felt like a sex slave. Went to the police he was charged with rape. Continued to threaten me and involved my family and work. Broke bail 17 times threatening me and he got 5 years custody. As easy as it is to say she had a choice she really didn't if she felt like me

I think it could be blackmail and then after explaining the situation fully to the police I would take their advice on the rape aspect of it. But I could see how it could be considered rape.

Not sure - I agree with blackmail and coercive control, rape would depend on what actually happened during. Eg was he violent, coercive, didn’t stop etc. To a certain degree she was forced into it, the police would be best placed to advise. All the best with the police today

Tableclothing the only victim I see here is this woman’s poor husband. The op said she pulled the same stunt last year and got blackmailed then too. And now she done to again. I’ve lost all sympathy for her friend now

She has been coerced into having sex she doesn't want to. That's obviously rape to me.

4men I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm grateful to you that you went to the police and got him jailed.

Always shocked by the victim blaming on here. She was coerced into sexual contact she did not want by use of threats, that is rape. The nature of the threat is irrelevant.

Would you consider it rape if she had had no previous sexual contact and he threatened to beat her partner up and she submitted for that reason? How extreme does it have to be? Just because she made a bad choice, does that nullify the fact she was forced to have sex? Whether she did it to protect herself or her partner is simply not relevant. The perpetrator knew she wasn't having sex willingly. He is a rapist and should be locked up.

@mrswx

“She clearly had a choice”.

my word... really?

Have you ever been blackmailed before?

It’s always the way isn’t it.
Because she’s a cheater she deserves it
Because the law is only for highly moral people obviously.

@GinDaddy

"*She clearly had a choice”.

my word... really?

Have you ever been blackmailed before?*

She did have a choice, fair enough her other choice wasn't that great. But she could have told her partner the truth, instead she chose to continue with the affair? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Threatening to "reveal sexual misbehaviour" is specifically included in the law on blackmail, folks.

Do people not understand how blackmail works!?

Has her husband left her, now that he knows?

She doesn't need to state it was or wasn't rape. If she just states the facts to the police then they will decide what, if any, crimes have been committed, although it seems evident she is/was being blackmailed.

Thanks again for the replies guys. I think my view is the same as the majority, she'll go and report the coercion/blackmail and the Police/CPS can take it from there. Perhaps they'll threaten a rape charge if he doesn't plead guilty.

Has her husband left her, now that he knows?

He hasn't. He is actually me but I didn't want the thread turning into a LTB thread or for everyone to call me stupid because at the end of the day it's my life and our relationship, the dynamics of which cannot be put down in writing. I have to deal with the fallout, no one else.

I haven't left her and will not be leaving her. I am fully aware that she is a liar and a cheat, she is also slightly abusive and the gaslighting this last 2-3 months has genuinely had me questioning my sanity. But I love her, I love her with every bit of my heart. For those reasons I didn't seek advice from my perspective, no one will tell me what I want to hear and quite rightly so. If this was anyone else I'd say they were best off alone.

@4menandadog - I just wanted to say as well that I'm sorry that happened to you. People can be real dicks.