AIBU to not fully understand if this would fall under the UKs definition of Rape?

[Amibeingamug]

OK, it’s not really much of an AIBU but traffic etc, ya know. New account for this so as not to draw attention.

I have a friend who had started an affair. At some point during the affair she wanted out, it was only a fling that had run its course and she wanted to get back to monogamy as the "main" relationship had significantly improved.

At this point the guy she was sleeping with threatened to tell her partner if she stopped the affair (as well as threatening to ruin her and that if she didn't see him again she would regret it etc). As she’d had a previous affair she was certain that this would ruin their relationship. She went back on the understanding that it happened one time only. This repeated again and again for 4 months. She eventually blocked all contact at which point the guy contacted her partner.

The way I see this there was an element of blackmail and coercion but am unsure if she was raped. She had an option to stop this contact but didn’t want to take that option as she wanted to protect herself and her partner. She said no but couldn’t continue to say no in the face of these threats.

What should she say to the Police? Just describe the events or state the crime they believe has been committed? TIA.

Thanks everyone, I'm just going to make this last post on the subject. I know when I read these posts I'm curious for a bit more background so I'll leave it with you all so you can peep into the mind of a male victim of abuse and infidelity.

what does she want out of this/report to the police?
She wants him to pay for his crimes. He has previously admitted to her to hitting a woman at work who went to the bosses and he claimed she made it up, he got away with it. She thinks he's a danger to women and wants to make sure that as a minimum he realises that his behaviour is very wrong and illegal. She also wants a restraining order as he will not leave her alone. I think part of her wants revenge also. I won't get involved because of the way it all came about.

I kind of new in my own mind that this would be very tough to prosecute as rape despite all of the evidence. We'll see what the police say today but I think they'll take it seriously despite what some of you think. His employer is likely to pull him today so we'll need to be on guard, he's previously threatened to smash her face in (I know, I can't believe I'm involved in something like this) so could turn up at our house or anything.

I'm staying out of love and out of wanting a family. I know some have said DO NOT bring children into this dynamic but it's happening, that's my decision. Even if we broke up they would be cared for and we would not allow any toxicity to filter down to them. I have wanted to be a father my whole life and at 41 it's not going to be an option to me for much longer (Yes I know in theory I could but I don't want to be a 60 year old taking my son to nursery, it's just my preference). Children get brought into far worse situations than ours and I can only assure everyone that I will be a good father and that even if we split up down the line we will both be in their lives, as you don't know me it's not really worth trying to judge that.

I've opened my options to leaving her. Currently all of our debts are in my name as I'm the sole earner. When we got together I owned 1 mortgage free home but after paying her through University (6 years) we now have 2 heavily mortgaged homes and some unsecured debt. We are transferring all of the unsecured debt to her and paying off some of one of my mortgages with another loan she'll take. This is fair as she spent the money and she agrees that me feeling trapped is not the way that this relationship will heal. It won't increase our borrowing costs as a couple.

I know that the infidelity is bad, I know that the gaslighting and abuse is worse and I know that I should leave but honestly, it doesn't suit me to do so. If I get these feelings again that I can't trust what's going on or that I just can't move past it then I'll end it. But I don't see that as likely, I know myself and I'll say it again I know what I'm worth.

Truth is, I feel liberated knowing the truth, knowing that I am not losing the plot and knowing that my instincts are pretty fucking good. You can never trust another person over yourself, if you try you'll drive yourself to insanity.

She was the happiest I'd seen her in a while last night. She told me as much and she explained how guilty it made her feel that she is deriving happiness from something that has caused me so much pain. So I told her that a problem shared is a problem halved, even if that does mean the other person shouldering half of the burden. As a team we choose to support each other through the darkest of times and this is them. She says she won't do it again, obviously I don't believe her but I believe that right now, at this minute she has absolutely zero intention of hurting me again. And I have always lived for this moment, not for the future or for the past and that's what I'm doing by staying in this abusive relationship, I'm living for right now and right now we need each other.

For anyone mentioning counselling. I'll be seeing someone on my own to work through everything. I'd like her to also speak to someone regarding the abuse she suffered but she prefers to park things rather than deal with them and that's her prerogative.

@ethelfleda
To think only men can rape means you need to educate yourself a bit more. There have been cases where women have been arrested for rape and torture of a man.

Morgan fair enough, I stand corrected on that statement.
I will stand by everything else I have said though and there are other comments on this thread that are far, far worse than mine.

OP
You sound like a wonderful person and I wish you the best of luck whatever happens.

@MorganKitten and @ethelfleda actually you're both right (though I'm not familiar with the case mentioned).

Raper requires a penis, therefor unless you have a penis, you can't be the primary offender and can't rape however you can be an accessory to rape (same sentence) or conspire to rape (same sentence).

It may be a case that the case mentioned above was worded like that by the press and in fact the women had forced the man to penetrate her which would be a s4 offence of causing sexual activity without consent (same sentence)

If someone has unprotected sex with you who knows he has the HIV virus but does not tell you he will commit a crime - some kind of personal injury

Just wanted to clarify on this as it’s not exactly true, due to the fact the vast majority of HIV+ people who know they have the virus are on effective meds and so cant pass it on to any sexual partner.

The law can be different depending on where you live, but in England say, certain criteria have to be met in order to be prosecuted for GBH due to either reckless or intentional transmission of HIV. All of the following would have to apply:

You had sex with someone who didn’t know you had HIV.

You knew you had HIV at that time.

You understood how HIV is transmitted.

You had sex without a condom.

You transmitted HIV to that person.

If you can’t transmit it, you can’t be prosecuted as you don’t pose any risk. That said, in a relationship I don’t see how anyone couldn’t or wouldn’t tell their partner as it wouldn’t be a good foundation for anything meaningful to keep such a secret.

HIV - yes agree. I should have been more precise in my answer.

It raises anothe interssting question - if you would not have had sex with someone but for some assurance - eg someone might say they are 20 years younger or a millionaire or are unmarried or are a virgin or have no serious criminal convictions or whatever and you only have senx with them on that basis or the classic one - if you do I will marry you (lots of old English cases about breach of promise of marriage too) that is obviously not rape even though your "multimilionaire" is a man without a job who has stolen from other women to maintain his facade of wealth. it still might be some kind of misrepresentation - similar to the cases where women lead m en up the garden path that they are the father of the child costing £200k in costs over 5 years and instead the women were lying and them an has not only been hurt emotionally but lost a lot of money.