To think there comes a point where you have to walk away from someone suffering poor MH.

[WhatDo]

If they refuse to seek help?

It's a family member. They have suffered for a long time but believe it's everyone else with the problem rather than them and will not seek any help despite practically destroying their families lives.

My husband is particularly distressed now as are his parents. He tries so very hard and is always constantly pushed back, put down, ignored etc... I hate how this is affecting him and the rest of his family who are nothing but supportive of this person.

It's damaging the mental well being of everyone else in the family now. AIBU to think that no matter how much a person is struggling, there does come a time when you have to walk away, to save yourself and your MH from being taken down in the process and that it isn't selfish to do so providing you've tried as much as you can?

I know it isn't them, it's an illness but I don't know how much other people can be expected to take before enough is enough. I'm finding myself becoming extremely resentful which I don't like because I know they are suffering but I see how it makes my husband and I just want to scream at this person.

Is this person a child or an adult? Are they in any danger of hurting themselves or anyone else?

Some people are going to flame you on this, but having been there I totally understand. You must protect your own, and your husband's mental health too.

They are an adult.

I'm not sure whether or not they are in danger. They like to hint that they may do something to themselves if they feel people aren't jumping through hoops for them iyswim.

I'm not being nasty, that genuinely has been the pattern of behaviour for a long time. Can't do them X favour, they'll hint that they will kill themselves etc.. their poor parents have been absolutely taken the piss out of and constantly stressed to the max because they are terrified they will do something stupid if they don't do whatever this person needs.

I agree. I have lived with someone with mental health for many years. I have learnt a very hard lesson which has taken its toll on my health. If they will not accept they have a problem and seek help there is very little you can do and it can destroy all the relationships around them. Sad but very true.... maybe time to walk away for your own sanity...

If its an adult, yes, you do have to walk away.

Mental illness can be debilitating but there comes a point where there is a responsibility not to allow it to become an excuse simply to be a drain on other people.

Unfortunately depression often goes hand in hand with an over dependence on others and depressed people can become very selfish -- to some extent is can be a symptom of the disease and is one of the most awful things about it.

But if it has got to the point where the whole family is now suffering then the onus is on the person with the MH problem to understand the distress they are causing and yes you need to protect yourself and your DH.

Mental Illness doesn't give anyone the right to take everyone down with them.

Yanbu. I doubt they would actually do something. I take it it is your dh’s sibling, in which case their parents should speak to the gp about concerns the person has threatened they are going to hurt themselves

I may get flamed. But this isn't through lack of trying or care the past however many years. We have tried so very hard with this person. My husband has sleepless nights constantly over this, worrying and fretting. He is constantly pushed away, told he's unsupportive, doesn't care, is just pretending to be interested etc... H gets so upset and I honestly can't even explain the stress his parents are under with it.

I feel for this person really I do but I see what it's doing to my family and it makes me so angry. How much they all try and always get it thrown back in their faces. I'm sorry if that makes me a terrible person but I'm struggling to stop it now. They do absolutely nothing to help themselves and expect everything from the people around them without a care in the world how it affects them. Like I say, I know it's not them and it's an illness but how much can people be expected to put up with before they say 'I can't do this anymore' without judgement.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped

Even if you think their hints toward suicidal ideation are manipulation based, it's really important to take them seriously. That would concern me.

But if they are an adult, there's little you can do except signpost them towards suitable support and help, which would be their GP in the first instance.

There's a new free mental health crisis service called SHOUT, it's free to text in if you're in crisis. You could pass on the details so if your family member is feeling suicidal they have instant support.

www.giveusashout.org/

But no, YANBU to look after your own mental health and realising you're overwhelmed with the situation too. Do you have support?

It's true Snuggy. It's easier for me. I'm related through marriage and honestly it would be easy for me to walk away because I'm at the end of my tether with them, but I appreciate it's not so for my husband.

But I do think we need to seriously consider distancing ourselves because it's not healthy and the effect on H is not healthy either.

This person is so very self destructive and I don't want my H to go down with them.

They have been signposted to different support avenue regularly, we have tried everything we can think of. We've spoken about counselling, the GP, support groups, given numbers for services like the one mentioned above, suggested hobbies to get them out of the house, offered to go X Y or Z place with them if they can't do it alone. H's parents have done so much more than all of the above as well but it falls on deaf ears unfortunately.

They don't think they need help.

I’m in the same situation, but I don’t even know how I would walk away. My whole family are wrapped around the person with destructive mh issues, and I would have to distance myself from them all.

OP yanbu. At all. There does come a point where people have to distance themseleves. Because everyone else going under doesnt help anyone either.

It's not selfish. Its incredibly difficult. Also if someone is saying or hinting they will hurt themseleves, you cant keep bowing to that pressure. It's not helping them or anyone else.

There does come a point with that, where everytime they threaten it, you need to call for professional help. The police if you believe there is imminent danger.

By giving in, you are teaching them that's how they get what they want.

It’s your H’s family member so his call, except with respect to your H’s actions and behaviours as they affect you and any DC.

What do you mean “walk away”? Do you mean that your H should set some new boundaries? Eg level of contact, not dropping everything to help. Or total NC?

H was crying last night, up until the early hours tossing and turning because of the horrible things they've said to him because they see him as some sort of punching bag.

I was lay there so fucking mad. Just so angry. My husband is such a kind man who loves this person and wants nothing more than to help them but he is constantly used as a punching bag for their issues. I won't lie, I wanted to message them myself and tell them to stay away now. But I didn't and I won't of course but I bloody want to. I just feel so sad for H.

If not already done the family should notify the family member’s GP of the issues.

Sounds like your H could do with some professional support himself and to make decisions that value himself as much as his family member.

I have seen an awful trend in abusers using their poor mental health as a justification for very seriously abusive behaviour. And as a get out of jail card for really, rotten entitled behaviour around everyone else. I lived with it, I have friends who lived with it and some who still are. It puts everyone around them in a truly rotten position as you become framed as the bad guy for no longer being willing to let all of your boundaries be crossed. You become an asshole for trying to be honest with the person about how their behaviour is hurting people. I've been called cruel and ignorant for not being willing to pretend my husband was not abusing every single medication he was every prescribed, whether or not they were chemically addictive. I've dealt with manipulative suicide threats and fake out attempts that at first had me in absolute pieces doing whatever he wanted so he wouldn't kill himself and kept me in an extremely abusive situation for longer than I otherwise would have been. And when I did have enough and no longer changed my boundaries because of his threats, I was the absolute worst in world according to so many of our friends. Living with him took such a toll on me and my health that on three separate occasions over 4 years I collapsed with low blood pressure attributed to ongoing stress and was brought to hospital by ambulance. Less dramatically my scalp cracked and bled all over for about a year which my GP said was stress. My face broke out in sores again attributed to stress by my GP. Stress put my body into shut down but I'm the jerk who doesn't understand mental health.

So obviously this is a tangent as it sounds like the issue is your SIL or BIL rather than your partner and you aren't necessarily subject to the kind of abuse that I was. But the reality is there are people who will use their mental health as an excuse to abuse those around them. The way I started looking at it, was, would I take this abuse from someone with a physical illness. If my husband had an accident that put him in a wheelchair, if he had a degenerative illness like Parkinsons, if he was diagnosed with cancer, etc. I'd give him leeway to be angry, I'd take a lot of the brunt of that anger for quite a while, but if it went on for years and he never tried to do anything to help himself, didn't follow medical advice and persisted in constantly doing destructive things that made my life impossible to live well, I'd have to lay down boundaries and end the relationship if they were constantly ignored. Mental health is no different.

By walk away I mean any range of things. NC if that was what H wanted but even just distance. Not letting ourselves get so wrapped up in everything this person does.

I think H needs to let this person push him away and stop being available all of the time to take their anger whenever they need it. To stop offering to drop everything when it's never appreciated or in fact is the exact opposite of appreciated.

It's not my call you're right obviously but I think H feels guilty about wanting to walk away and I want him to know it's okay.

Sounds intolerable.
I'd have no doubt that withdrawing would be for the best, but appreciate that's easier said than done.
Could your H attend some therapy to allow him to make sense of how he feels?

I have a mental health issue and frankly I'm glad that some family aren't supportive and seem to resist understanding- I know who to stay away from. They piss me off by sending birthday cards and stuff. Please, just let yourselves disappear!

I can't understand what your relative is trying to achieve with their behaviour. It seems to bring no benefits to anyone. Just switch off - all this enabling is making them sicker.

I think you've been understanding but have come to the end of your tether. That's allowed. Sorry you're going through this, I would find it intolerable.

Alittle, I'm sorry to hear what you went through. You mentioning the cracked scalp took me back to my relationship with my ex who sounded exactly like your husband. He would constantly use his MH issues as an excuse to treat me like shit and I too had physical symptoms of stress from it.

I know how guilty you can feel and be made to feel by others for choosing to leave.

There's nothing you can do to further help the family member, but you can make sure you and your DH are strong enough to cope with this awful situation - there's no wrong/right here, you can't be expected to tolerate being a punch bag.

It sounds like your DH is affected a great deal, can he seek support? It seems like he's at breaking point himself.

Depends who it is OP.

My son suffers (21) suffers deeep depression, has worked but his life is s struggle, is suicidal at times.

I will never walk away. I do however safeguard myself. That I can control. I still have a claim to lead a joyful life. My son lives at home and I provide endless love, emotional and practical support, but I work to protect myself.
It is possible to do both these things.
Keeping myself happy and positive is the best I can do for me and ultimately him. Having me join him in his dark place does neither of us any good.

It is possible to support and love someone with mental illness- your OH needs to learn how to do this without suffering himself.