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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there comes a point where you have to walk away from someone suffering poor MH.

87 replies

WhatDo · 02/09/2019 06:52

If they refuse to seek help?

It's a family member. They have suffered for a long time but believe it's everyone else with the problem rather than them and will not seek any help despite practically destroying their families lives.

My husband is particularly distressed now as are his parents. He tries so very hard and is always constantly pushed back, put down, ignored etc... I hate how this is affecting him and the rest of his family who are nothing but supportive of this person.

It's damaging the mental well being of everyone else in the family now. AIBU to think that no matter how much a person is struggling, there does come a time when you have to walk away, to save yourself and your MH from being taken down in the process and that it isn't selfish to do so providing you've tried as much as you can?

I know it isn't them, it's an illness but I don't know how much other people can be expected to take before enough is enough. I'm finding myself becoming extremely resentful which I don't like because I know they are suffering but I see how it makes my husband and I just want to scream at this person.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 02/09/2019 07:34

This sounds like a sibling of your DH Flowers Yes, it can be absolutely necessary to take a step back. Would your DH's parents consider seeking help from the GP for themselves?

Unfortunately, you can't help the person if they won't help themselves. It is never their fault.

ChickenyChick · 02/09/2019 07:36

You can’t change your relative’s behaviour, only how you respond to it. Something has to change.

I would cut loose from someone who threatened suicide to manipulate snd control me. Sounds harsh, but I would, i would not be blackmailed Angry

Hope you can all cut free

HungryHiker · 02/09/2019 07:36

Just a thought - but it could be that your DH is enabling and reinforcing some behaviours (certainly the negative coping strategies) if things seem to circle and repeat themselves when he tries, with best intentions, to help.

I think H needs to let this person push him away and stop being available all of the time to take their anger whenever they need it.

I suspect you're right. Could you frame it to your DH that it might be best for the family member to face things themselves?

Tippety · 02/09/2019 07:37

It's probably not that they are refusing help because they just can't be arsed, many people don't realise that they need it. If they are affecting everyone else to that level, someone needs to contact the crisis team. You can go NC, but if it was a physical illness which required a stressful level of support I bet you wouldn't. I do empathise, a close family member has been sectioned several times and made life extremely challenging, but after taking medication and recieving the support they needed they are back to the person we knew; MH can be cruel, as would abandoning them to be honest in my opinion.

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:37

It is never their fault

This is the crux of it really. It's never their fault. If they are struggling it's because we all haven't done enough, have been supportive enough, don't care enough etc... It's always because of someone else.

I don't see how this situation will ever change until they are able to accept that it is their issue. Not their fault no, but their issue to seek help for.

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 02/09/2019 07:38

Your husband needs help himself - he needs to leave this family member alone before it destroys his own MH - and possibly his marriage. A family member has been causing my family much stress and misery over the last couple of years. My SD has separated fully from her husband now, and every one is feeling better. He refused to accept help or advice, and it was dragging everyone down.

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:40

I do believe H's parents have spoken with a crisis team before (I think but will check with H) but there's only so much they can do. They are mid 30s, they aren't a child and their parents can only do so much because of this when they won't seek or accept professional help.

OP posts:
speakout · 02/09/2019 07:42

OP - your OH is failing to see the power he could have in this situation.
Depression disables people from seeking help- the very things that that can help are out of reach because they are helpess. They are not to blame for their situation.

Your OH has his solution already there. He is failing to grasp it. He can choose how much to be affected by this situation.

I heard a stupid comment " you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" Utter tosh.

Loopytiles · 02/09/2019 07:43

Your H could seek counselling, for himself, to help him change his boundaries in this situation . It sounds like he is currently in the “FOG” (fear, obligation, guilt).

Your H’s choices so far sound unhealthy for him, also negatively affecting you and his other relationships.

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:45

fear, obligation, guilt

This is exactly where everyone is at the moment.

I can suggest H speak to someone himself too. It might help him to make sense of it and set better boundaries as suggested.

OP posts:
rosedream · 02/09/2019 07:45

May be giving the person some space will do more than help you and your H's MH.
May be a habit has been formed. I feel like this, I say this , people do what I think I need and repeat.
You giving distance may start to brake the cycle and that person seek strength from with in or seek professional help.
I strongly believe that we can only support up to a point.
We stop when it is detrimental to our own safety and well-being and when the support enables the problem not resolve it.

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:47

I do know deep down they aren't to blame but I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a lot of anger towards this person these days. That probably makes me sound terrible but I'm not perfect. I sympathise and have sympathised for years but I'm becoming resentful.

OP posts:
speakout · 02/09/2019 07:48

OP I am having a course of counselling through an organisation called Vocal which supports carers. It is free and really helping me finding joy and setting boundaries despite the fact my son is in such a bad place. Perhaps something like this near you?

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:50

Yes rose, I think we do need to break the cycle. As I say upthread, I think H needs to let them push him away. This is what they try and do and H has never let them before (because he feels scared obligated and guilty as mentioned) but I think he needs to in order to move forward in any way shape or form.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:51

Speak, thank you very much I will have a look on Google to see if they are local to us.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 02/09/2019 07:51

Yeah, even reading posts on here (not this thread, MN in general) I can immediately recognise the blame game so often deployed by those suffering mental illness and the way it is used to control everything at the expense of everyone around the sufferer 'because that's how I am' having been at the sharp end myself Even getting a third party involved for yourselves can sometimes help, although this will be strongly resisted because of the control element - but it will really help you so please consider it.

It is beyond frustrating, you and your in-laws have my sympathy. There are no easy answers.

Tippety · 02/09/2019 07:52

I do know deep down they aren't to blame but I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a lot of anger towards this person these days. That probably makes me sound terrible but I'm not perfect. I sympathise and have sympathised for years but I'm becoming resentful

Yep, sounds normal to me, unfortunately. And MH care provision is not great, nor is support for families. If they have tried the crisis team, it might be worth ringing again and making it clear the extent of it; they should assess whether they believe he needs enforced intervention. Your husband could also speak to Mind for himself and to see what support there is available for him.

Loopytiles · 02/09/2019 08:01

There are also books on this kind of stuff.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/09/2019 08:03

I can tell it's your DH's child by the way you're avoiding saying that.

If it were his brother, you'd just say so.

If I'm correct YABU.

I wold NEVER walk away from my child.

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 08:05

It's not his child. Our DC are only young. It's his sibling. I didn't want to say sister or brother in case someone is on here but I don't want people thinking it's Hs child so yes, it's his sibling. He's not old enough to have a mid 30s child! And as I say it's Hs and his siblings parents who are suffering the most probably out of us all.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/09/2019 08:06

My assumption is sibling. Agree that if DH is the parent of the one with the problems that is different, although still important for DH to take care of his own health and wellbeing.

LagunaBubbles · 02/09/2019 08:10

know it isn't them, it's an illness

Well their mental illness isn't their fault obviously but when people have a mental health problem there can be a tendency to attribute everything about them and their behaviour to it, which isn't always the case. People have all sort of different personality traits to. There is only so long you can take being someone's emotional punching bag before you do have to say enough is enough.

Marmozet · 02/09/2019 08:12

Sorry I just want to make sure I'm following this properly.

Is this your husbands sibling with the MH problems?

And are his parents taking it out on your husband whenever he tries to help/intervene?

slipperywhensparticus · 02/09/2019 08:13

They need to step back mental health problems need to be dealt with by medical professionals being his emotional punchbag is not healthy for either of them

Original poster
WhatDo · 02/09/2019 08:14

It's my husband's sibling with the issues and it's his sibling who takes it out on H.

His parents and H do nothing but try and help but they are both used as emotional punching bags by Hs sibling.

OP posts:
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