To think there comes a point where you have to walk away from someone suffering poor MH.

[WhatDo]

If they refuse to seek help?

It's a family member. They have suffered for a long time but believe it's everyone else with the problem rather than them and will not seek any help despite practically destroying their families lives.

My husband is particularly distressed now as are his parents. He tries so very hard and is always constantly pushed back, put down, ignored etc... I hate how this is affecting him and the rest of his family who are nothing but supportive of this person.

It's damaging the mental well being of everyone else in the family now. AIBU to think that no matter how much a person is struggling, there does come a time when you have to walk away, to save yourself and your MH from being taken down in the process and that it isn't selfish to do so providing you've tried as much as you can?

I know it isn't them, it's an illness but I don't know how much other people can be expected to take before enough is enough. I'm finding myself becoming extremely resentful which I don't like because I know they are suffering but I see how it makes my husband and I just want to scream at this person.

Absolutely when the adult person refuses to engage with help and support. Maintaining your own boundaries is a healthy descision

This could be me asking the same question. Just when do you walk away, in this case there's a child involved.

So sorry you and your DH are being impacted by this. The thing is, giving in to his sibling is not fixing anything, is it? It's been repeatedly tried by all concerned and nothing helps.

So I reckon it's OK to stop now. If getting drawn in and using up emotional energy and loads of time was helping; if you could see improvement, fair enough, but you can't, can you?

You aren't mental health professionals, I take it, and perhaps the person generating all the drama won't seek help until you all stop feeding them with attention.

You've all done all you can and it's not helping, so a different tack is called for now. For starters, perhaps your husband could stop making himself so available, whether to the sibling or his parents, whenever the cry of crisis goes up. Not in a back turning way but in a self-protecting way, as in "I am not being drawn in any more as nothing I say or do makes any difference and it's too exhausting and stressful. My sleep and my health and my family are important, too." If the person threatens suicide, the emergency services need to be called out, every time, because if it's real, they need proper help and if it's not they need to have their bluff called.

He can't control what his parents do, though, and that's the rub, in all probability. There are long-standing patterns of behaviour in place here. When contacted, the question he might usefully ask is, "What do you want me to do/say about it differently from all the times before, because we all know it's pointless doing/saying that again.?"

I do think your lovely husband could benefit from some counselling to help him detach a bit and get some boundaries in place!

Good luck with this: you all deserve better.

It sounds incredibly tough and sometimes you need to put yourself first, this is one of them.

OP YANBU. In my previous profession I spent years working with people who had MH diagnoses and I found that just as in other everyday interactions some people are simply arseholes, whether they have a diagnosis or not, but the difference is with people who have a diagnosis the arsehole behaviour is supported through a process of learned helplessness which imo is largely due to the frankly woeful understanding we have of MH crisis.

This is a systemic and societal issue that you as an individual can do nothing about. The only thing that you can do is to protect yourself and your family. It's hard to know where to start but a pp's suggestion upthread about delineating areas of influence is a good one and also when faced with a situation to try really hard to listen to your instinct as to what you feel comfortable with.

I wish you luck OP.

Sometimes you HAVE to step back for your own mental health and wellbeing.
Your husband is being manipulated by this individual and abused constantly - when is enough going to be enough?

Sometijmes you can't step away- what if it is your child?
Would you walk away from that?

Here's the thing: people can have a mental illness and they can also - quite separately - be a complete arsehole.

I have a great deal of experience of mental illness both in myself and other people, and in most cases, people who are unpleasant and manipulative when ill are also unpleasant and manipulative when they're well. When I was unwell I'm sure I was difficult to live with because I was perpetually sad, terrified of everything and didn't want to leave the house much, which was clearly hard for my partner. But I didn't suddenly turn into a manipulative, demanding attention-seeker.

I have also encountered people who are without a doubt mentally ill to some degree, but who are also absolutely addicted to the fuss and attention this gets them and have essentially made it their identity. They spend all day posting about their mental health on Twitter, thriving on the attention it gets them, and I genuinely don't think they have any interest in being well again because they are probably, deep down, scared that they won't be special or different any more if they don't have depression to talk about. They do engage with healthcare etc but rarely take their advice and are scathing about any help they're offered and quite nasty about it.

So, awful though it sounds, YANBU to walk away at all.

OP I could have written your post and I do not think you’re selfish at all, you are not there to care for someone and listen to all of their problems when you have your own life going on, there is only so much you can do for people. I am also stuck in the same position as you and your DH and have not walked away but am slowly distancing myself which I feel so awful for my friend has support from family, weekly therapy, a crisis team, a care co, has been IP many times and still says it’s not enough she gets no help, at this point the only people that can help her is herself, and I am saying this as someone who has mental health problems themself. The only person who can make a difference to your mindset is you, will probably get flamed for this but you don’t know how exhausting it is until you’re in that position, it’s even harder when you’re trying to recover from your own mental illness as well, best wishes to you and your family and of course your relative

Absolutely justified. Two rules:

You can't help someone who won't help themselves (note not 'can't')
Everyone has a limit

Once you breach these two then you should disengage for you of sake.

A very smart person on here said ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’.
It really is about setting boundaries and sticking to them. I do recommend the family members trying to provide support get their own mh advice. I saw a counsellor for some time while providing support to someone with bpd who was destroying the lives of a lot of people, including her child. Ultimately he suggested that we only engaged when the person was in active treatment (and this was verified by their mh team).
It took up many years of our lives. They have caused huge damage to many people they love.
Please look after yourselves.

As @Isadora2007 said, you and your DH need to look after yourselves in order to help your family member (or not, as you decide) you can’t pour from an empty jug. Get your own/your DH some support for his own mental health, and he will be better placed to decide what to do about the relative