To feel absolutely distraught about returning to work after mat leave?

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I’m going back on Wednesday 3 days a week. I work in a primary school. My DS is almost 11 months.
I feel this is a massive mistake and that I should have just told the head I wasn’t returning.
I’ve been googling ‘how to leave without working notice after maternity leave’ this evening, while feeling close to tears. It keeps hitting me and I mean physically. It keeps feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest.
I’ve enjoyed attending playgroups and baby groups with my DS and just spending time with him - basically just being a full time mum.
I don’t want it to end and I don’t feel ready to leave him.

I suffer with anxiety and I’ve been seeing a counsellor for 8 weeks through the NHS. That has just finished. I told her my concerns and she advised I should have a plan B in case this doesn’t work out.
He’ll be with his grandparents one day and in nursery two days. He’s hated his settling in sessions (they’ve only been an hour and two hours) and I can’t see how I’m going I’m going to leave him there for 7 hours. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get out of the car when we arrive at the nursery on Wednesday or drive away if I do manage to drop him off.

Two weeks ago I ended up having a panic attack on the motorway when driving. It was absolutely terrifying. These things have happened to me in the past and it’s usually when I’m completely consumed with anxiety about something.

I just feel like I’m trapped. I don’t want to do this, but I don’t see a way out so late in the day.

I’m sorry you’re suffering.
At the very least, can your child’s father not take them to nursery on Wednesday? It’s a lot for you to deal with on top of the first day back at work. I would arrange the day to remove triggers if possible, that being one.

I know it’s easy for me to say... but loads of babies don’t settle in a couple of short sessions. I asked my nursery about being my baby in for some to help - they have years of experience, and said that the children who do struggle to settle, do so much quicker when they’re in their proper longer days pattern.

@Ellisandra unfortunately not an option as he leaves for work much earlier and he gets the train, whereas I use the car.

Is it financially possible for you to stay at home for another year? You could always go back to teaching when your baby is a bit older.
Could you just tell yourself, ok my anxiety is making me doubt my decision. I will see how it goes on Wednesday, if it's awful I will hand in my notice. If it's ok, I'll give it another week. Your baby will be totally fine, he won't even remember any of this!

Yes I think your dcs father should drop off at nursery once or twice first. It’s not too much to ask in terms of parental leave for him to be late to work twice for this reason.
Your dc will be absolutely fine. And actually given your irrational levels of anxiety it’s good to have this opportunity prove to yourself he will be fine.

Returning to work after mat leave is truly awful but it really is surprising how quickly you settle into ‘normal life’ and having had post natal anxiety myself I found the routine helped.

Baby will settle, it’s not nice at first but they do get used to nursery and learn to love it. I’d see how you go before you make any rash decisions.

If you really don’t want to go back (and don’t need to financially) I imagine you could get a sick note from your gp quoting for anxiety and ‘work’ your notice while off sick?

@DearTeddyRobinson Unfortunately not. We’ve done the sums and it would be really really tough. I can try doing the maths again but I doubt it’ll work out.
I’m not a teacher, I’m a support assistant with special needs pupils, so already on a not great wage. But my DP hasn’t got a very well paid job either. Our wages together are liveable, plus we have a mortgage and car to run. We’d have to claim universal credit if I leave and they don’t help out with mortgages, only rent. So we’d get no help towards housing element.

It’s totally fine to choose to give up work by the way. But you need to do it from a place of calm and logic. Not through anxiety.

Also really sorry you are struggling, and don't beat yourself up for feeling this way - returning to work after may leave is really, really hard for most people. But feeling this way now doesn't mean that going back is the wrong thing to do. Three months from now - maybe even three weeks from now - your son will be loving nursery and his day with his grandparents, you'll be enjoying having your adult self (and income) back, and you'll treasure your days at home with him all the more because you and he have that variety in your week. Hang in there!

You are not alone OP, returning from maternity leave is tough.

You will be fine and baby will be fine. Be thankful you are going back part time as lots of parents don't have this choice. Most babies won't settle at a settling in visit and even if they cry when you drop off the nursery staff will be best placed to cuddle and reassure your baby.

Don't worry about having a little cry first week back, gradually, day by day, you will feel better.

@toadabode that seems a little harsh. Despite being really anxious and having mental health issues I have taken him to plenty of stay and plays and playgroups with other mums and babies. We also go out and about a lot.

Could you go back and look at other options - gain qualifications to be a childminder or nanny?

It really will be fine being at work. Your DC will be happy at nursery in no time, and you may enjoy it far more when you’re there. Good luck!

Can you find something that you can do from home, such as making things and selling on Etsy or other date entry work?

Can you ask the grandparents to take him to nursery this week if DH can’t do it? I think it would help if you can avoid the drop off for the first few days.

It’s stating the obvious a bit, but parenting involves putting a roof over their head and food on the table as well as the fun stuff. If you need to go back to work in order to do these things, you do need to get on with it. But make it as easy for yourself as possible by asking for help from family and DH.

I found the anticipation of returning to work was far worse than actually being back. That's not to say it was ever easy being at work, but the anticipation of going back was horrendous

I think three days is a perfect balance to allow you to be 'you' at work and still be the main care giver at home. Lo gets grandparent time AND nursery time so will be loved and so well looked after. I work equivalent of three days even though I'm a shift worker and it's a great balance. Going back is so so hard but you'll get there xx

You’re not married? If not then returning to work is essential.

It’s really tough but can be got through!

If you’re unhappy with the childcare, seek to change it.

I’m going to be direct with you OP.

You’ve said you cannot stay at home for financial reasons so you’re going to have to get used to not being with your DC 24/7.

Honestly it might be the best thing for you to allow yourself to learn how to be apart. 3 days a week isn’t a massive amount. Remember you have 4 more days where you’ll be with him.

I have two young children and work full time and it is relentless and tiring and you’ll probably find that too but I honestly find myself so busy at work that I don’t have time to consider feeling anything other than rushed off my feet.

When Wednesday come YOU do the drop off and don’t hang about too long. You can absolutely do it and you will get used to it.

Honestly, I was the same and by the end of my first day back at work I was fine, DD was 9.5 months old. I work 4 days a week and DD is in nursery all of those 4 days.

She also hated her settling in sessions and we were asked to do extra but by the end of the first week she was absolutely fine. She loves nursery now (she's 13 months now).

Think of all the good things - time to yourself, adult conversation, warm drinks, toilet trips by yourself, more money.

@Loopytiles Probably being thick here, but what relevance is it if she’s married or not?
This is hard, op, am also dreading the day, but I think once you’re in the swing of things it will get easier.

Bloody hell @toadabode that's a jump to conclusions and I'm thinking of reporting your post.

Op: If you are on a relatively low wage and part time then it's not a huge jump in finances to not go back. Have you considered other ways to make money. You are qualified to be a tutor and some people in my area charge £35 an hour. More likely you could charge £20 (unless you are in London).

How about childminding or ironing or a mix and match of all these things.

Think creatively and out of the box. You can delay your return to work date and also most local authorities have a policy where you can have career break of up to 5 years. They will keep your job for you and you can do your return to work time after the career break.

Huge relevance! If OP isn’t married not returning to work FT is a massive personal financial risk.

So returning PT is a hard, but essential.

I think you need to look positively at the time you’ve had with dc and how much you’ve enjoyed it.

If the maths doesn’t add up then you have no choice but to go back.

The thought of returning is much worse than the reality.

Sadly, I only had 3 months with my baby and then I was back at work. But needs must!

@avacadoincident report my post for what exactly?