To feel absolutely distraught about returning to work after mat leave?

[Namechange2306]

I’m going back on Wednesday 3 days a week. I work in a primary school. My DS is almost 11 months.
I feel this is a massive mistake and that I should have just told the head I wasn’t returning.
I’ve been googling ‘how to leave without working notice after maternity leave’ this evening, while feeling close to tears. It keeps hitting me and I mean physically. It keeps feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest.
I’ve enjoyed attending playgroups and baby groups with my DS and just spending time with him - basically just being a full time mum.
I don’t want it to end and I don’t feel ready to leave him.

I suffer with anxiety and I’ve been seeing a counsellor for 8 weeks through the NHS. That has just finished. I told her my concerns and she advised I should have a plan B in case this doesn’t work out.
He’ll be with his grandparents one day and in nursery two days. He’s hated his settling in sessions (they’ve only been an hour and two hours) and I can’t see how I’m going I’m going to leave him there for 7 hours. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get out of the car when we arrive at the nursery on Wednesday or drive away if I do manage to drop him off.

Two weeks ago I ended up having a panic attack on the motorway when driving. It was absolutely terrifying. These things have happened to me in the past and it’s usually when I’m completely consumed with anxiety about something.

I just feel like I’m trapped. I don’t want to do this, but I don’t see a way out so late in the day.

Hi OP

I go back in December and my baby will be in nursery full time.

I don’t work for a school or have any sort of term time arrangement, my hours are 9-5, five days a week.

I don’t have any family close who can take a day, and if I work from home I am expected to actually work, on video conference or similar.

Despite all this I feel really, really positive about going back to work. I am looking forward to it. My baby has been doing a day a week in nursery for months to get both of us used to it and he clearly absolutely loves it. We are now building that up in days, in preparation.

We build quality time around nursery - early mornings reading together and snuggling, evening walks and trips to the park, colouring, chatting etc.

At the weekends we are all absolutely set on making it family time and we really enjoy it, focusing our time and relaxing together with my oh.

I guess what I’m saying is - we chose to have a child knowing our circumstances and we are really focusing on enjoying the time we do have, not fretting about the time we don’t.

The thing that makes this work for me psychologically is that I find my career really fulfilling. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t be worth leaving my baby for. But my job is an important part of me and I get a lot out of it (not least money which pays our bills, allows us to take our child to amazing places, protects us for a rainy day etc).

People rarely say this on mumsnet, but imagine how punishing the system is for dads who are often afforded just two weeks with their baby. We live in a work driven society and I agree that time with your baby is paramount but now you need to make your peace with how things are, or change them.

Good luck x

The anticipation is the worst part OP - once you're back, it won't be nearly so bad as you think

You are not the first person to feel like this. Honestly, the anticipation is worse than the reality. The arrangements to have in place sound good for you and him. You still get four days together each week, plus the holidays.

@Namechange2306 have you opted to to a phased return to work? It’s new government legalisation that you can be phased back in so shorter days / less days and build it up over I think 10-12 weeks.... Speak to your hr its something mine told be about before I went on mat leave that’s as well as the touch point days ... may help ease you in ( my boss didn’t have a great attitude about it but law is law ) x

@Namechange2306 and for one (or the first three) particularly stressful days, his father cited the have arranged to go in late, or take holiday?

Dont panic and do something crazy like hand your notice in. Try it first, and if you really hate it, come up with a thought out plan. Resigning from your job and going on benefits is unlikely to give you the funds you need. You say you have a degree? Plan to become a teacher? Do it!

If you aren’t married and you’ve done the sums and need your income you’d be mad to quit your job and go on UC.
There is often a sanction for making yourself voluntarily unemployed also and the delay for first payment is mad.
Being a parent is a lot more than just ‘nursery duties’ it’s also providing for your child.

Hi OP, a few months ago I could have written the exact same post as you. I was having panic attacks and desperately trying to work out how to be home with DS. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him.
I was definitely suffering from anxiety and OCD as a result.
My GP prescribed me some medication to help me during the transition and it really changed my life!
Returning to work went reasonably well and I've now settled into the new routine. DS is at a childminders and although it was tough for both of us at first he now really loves going and had bonded with the CM and other kids.
I've completely surprised myself by how much I've enjoyed returning to work. Somedays I miss him and he misses me but as soon as I get home we just cuddle and play way past bedtime! I just value every second we have together so much more, didn't think it was even possible!

What I'm trying to say is, you will get through this awful scary time! Having a back up plan is a great idea but you may find you don't need it. Try not to be hard on yourself, take as much time as you need to give it a go and remember; you've totally got this!

Good luck

Glad to see that awful comment was deleted from early on in the thread Op

How did you get on this week OP?