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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely distraught about returning to work after mat leave?

85 replies

Namechange2306 · 01/09/2019 20:56

I’m going back on Wednesday 3 days a week. I work in a primary school. My DS is almost 11 months.
I feel this is a massive mistake and that I should have just told the head I wasn’t returning.
I’ve been googling ‘how to leave without working notice after maternity leave’ this evening, while feeling close to tears. It keeps hitting me and I mean physically. It keeps feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest.
I’ve enjoyed attending playgroups and baby groups with my DS and just spending time with him - basically just being a full time mum.
I don’t want it to end and I don’t feel ready to leave him.

I suffer with anxiety and I’ve been seeing a counsellor for 8 weeks through the NHS. That has just finished. I told her my concerns and she advised I should have a plan B in case this doesn’t work out.
He’ll be with his grandparents one day and in nursery two days. He’s hated his settling in sessions (they’ve only been an hour and two hours) and I can’t see how I’m going I’m going to leave him there for 7 hours. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get out of the car when we arrive at the nursery on Wednesday or drive away if I do manage to drop him off.

Two weeks ago I ended up having a panic attack on the motorway when driving. It was absolutely terrifying. These things have happened to me in the past and it’s usually when I’m completely consumed with anxiety about something.

I just feel like I’m trapped. I don’t want to do this, but I don’t see a way out so late in the day.

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 01/09/2019 22:01

For presuming that op is in some way unfit and not providing a safe environment for her child.

Re read your post to see if it needs rewording.

Sundancer77 · 01/09/2019 22:02

Again, being thick! How @Loopytiles?

pumkinspicetime · 01/09/2019 22:02

I cried and stressed at going back to work, dc didn't settle well at nursery at first.
But after a few weeks it was good for me, a little longer and it was good for dc.
Further on still it was a valued part of all of our lives.

FenellaMaxwell · 01/09/2019 22:07

@Sundancer77 because she’d be entirely financially dependent on her partner and in the event of a split the law wouldn’t recognise her interests in the same way that it would a spouse, so the OP would not be legally entitled to the same financial support she would do if they were married, in the event of a split.

Anotherusefulname · 01/09/2019 22:07

Are you sure you can't afford to not go back.
I am an SEN TA and I would be working for a deficit if I worked 3 days a week taking into account running a car, lunches and before and after school club for my now school age children.
You could well be further up the payscale than me but if you don't want to go back check your sums.

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 01/09/2019 22:07

Thanks for the helpful replies.
I know I just need to bite the bullet.

My counsellor mentioned about a plan B, so I’m thinking that could possibly be handing in my notice after a month, if things aren’t working out, then working from home, maybe offering tutoring. Could possibly also apply for universal credit and see how it goes.
My long term plan once he’s 3 years old or thereabouts is to apply to teach, I already have my degree, so just need to train for a year and then fully qualified.

OP posts:
kazza446 · 01/09/2019 22:09

OP I think this is a common feeling. I broke down like this just before I returned to work with my first child. Honestly it does get easier. Big hugs x

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 01/09/2019 22:09

@Anotherusefulname
Do you claim universal credit? We would only have one income then and the universal credit doesn’t cover mortgages so I’m not sure how we would manage.

OP posts:
Siameasy · 01/09/2019 22:09

I really did not want to go back either but as a previous PP said, being practical is as important as the emotional stuff. Three days is a great balance and one day it will be the new normal.
DD hated nursery at first. But your DC will be safe and they are used to DC finding it hard. They will comfort and distract him.
My DD left pre-school this week but I’ve not forgotten the early days. It took time but she started to love it..I started hearing about her little friends etc. She absolutely loved the place and used to ask to go on non nursery days!

avocadoincident · 01/09/2019 22:09

If you apply for further training you could be better off if you aren't working as you be entitled to more student support.

bbcessex · 01/09/2019 22:10

Hi OP

It's a really tough time. I think almost all mums are anxious about returning to work after mat leave - I know I was.

Your anxiety levels seem very high in general - has your GP recommended any medication? It can really, really help. I've taken Citalopram for years - it's been extremely helpful for me.

Regarding your partner doing nursery drop off for the first few times - he can ABSOLUTELY do this. No matter that it is slightly awkward for him - it's not impossible and it could really ease your way back into work.

Strangerthanstrange · 01/09/2019 22:10

Work out your true cost of working, clothes, petrol, wear and tear on car,lunch, nursery, nursery fees during holidays when you are not paid, or baby is unwell, tax and NI. Are you sure its worth returning? Can you work weekends or evenings in another industry, or for tuition company. You might earn less but you get to keep everything you do earn. I found returning to work really hard. I'm still not really seeing the benefit even though my 2 are at school. Costs are still high for wraparound care and holidays.

Italiandreams · 01/09/2019 22:11

I’m in the same situation but going back full time! My little one is also doing a mixture of nursery and grandparents and so far is not loving nursery. I’ve always loved working so couldn’t imagine feeling this way before having my baby but I have completely changed. I guess I’m saying you are not alone but we just have to take a deep breath , hold it together for our babies sake and know we can get through it. Everyone reassures me it will get easier!

Sundancer77 · 01/09/2019 22:11

@FenellaMaxwell

Ahh ok thanks, I’m not married and am taking a little longer for maternity, but house half my name, car etc.
Sorry, don’t want to hijack the post, was just curious.
Good luck, op, I’m sure once you’re settled it will be ok!

HennyPennyHorror · 01/09/2019 22:11

Sundancer because married women have more protection if things go south in the relationship.

Cohabiting women who don't work end up in the shit if they split. As a married woman, all property and income is split in the event of divorce.

Of course, by the sound of it OP is on the mortgage and will be fine.

Newmumma83 · 01/09/2019 22:11

I am going back full time, I have 3 months but my god I get what you are feeling ☹️

I have told myself to give it 3 months....would be a Financial nightmare to not work but wondering if I get weekend work I might be able to make part time work for me as will have no child care costs ... big hugs x x

zzzzzzzz12345 · 01/09/2019 22:12

I don’t think handing your notice in and trying to claim benefits is the answer. You need to work so your priority should be sorting out your mental health so that you can facilitate that. Benefits should be a last resort, not a plan b.

I would stick it out. It’s hard leaving your child at first but it’s gets easier. We all have to do it if we want to pay our mortgages. Being at home might be nicer but that’s not real life If your finances don’t allow it.

BuddysMama · 01/09/2019 22:13

Is it too late to get enrolled on a part time PGCE? You would get student finance which may not be as much as your wage but would still be bringing money in, part time meaning you wouldn't be at college/uni for big blocks of time so would delay you going back for a couple of years, and then you'd be on a much higher salary too xx

avocadoincident · 01/09/2019 22:14

Do you need really the car. That could be a major saving if you live near amenities and your partner doesn't need to either?

SaffronFields · 01/09/2019 22:14

Toadabode- what a vile person you are to make such a comment. Get a life.

OP, This was me, 4 months ago now.

Honestly, one day you’ll find it just clicks. I was crying on the way to work everyday in the car. DD struggled with her settling in. BUT full days helped and now she has a great routine, adores her key worker, has made lots of little baby friends. I was crying to my boss several times in the beginning saying I want to quit (still get upset sometimes) but she is such a happy, confident little girl and so advanced at 14 months it’s lovely to see.

I’d give up work if I could but honestly? I think she’d be bored at home with me.

Expect to have a bit of a breakdown, but trust that it will get better. Give it a few months, then reevaluate. Flowers

ReturnofSaturn · 01/09/2019 22:15

@Namechange2306

I might be being thick, but how can you claim universal credit if you have a partner who works??

itiswhatitis12 · 01/09/2019 22:15

As hard as it seems right now, I promise you it will be ok. And it will get easier.
I remember being in your shoes. It's absolutely heartbreaking.
I'm a few years down the line and I see the benefits of working outside the home. Your son will adapt and will learn loads from the nursery and his grandparents.
You will appreciate the kid free time also. 11 months is a lovely stage... once they hit toddlerhood, they turn into absolute savages! I promise you this feeling will pass and you will be ok.
Plus, you are only away from him for 3 days a week... it's wee buns! Thanks

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 01/09/2019 22:16

Unlikely you'll get Universal credit if you've no rent or childcare costs unless OH earnings very very low

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/09/2019 22:17

Hi OP

The first few months are hard. It's a big adjustment for everyone, you feel like you're letting them down or something, it's a massive change when you've seen someone all day every day and then spending a whole day apart.

Please remember it's not permanent. If it doesnt work out then you can make changes

Remember he is only in nursery 2 days a week, he is with family 5 days and every evening so the best majority of the time.

Also remember everyone feels like this.

They will be tired at first. And out of their routine. They will cry when you leave them.

And then after a few months when I was in your shoes...i found I actually felt like 'me' again which was odd as I hadn't realised I didn't feel like me before that! I enjoyed putting on work clothes again and having conversations with other adults that weren't baby related. My baby grew into a toddler and liked going to nursery. She got little friends. She did so much more than I could ever do with her - messy play, sensory play, genuine friendships. Now, she is bored after a few days at home with me. And I realise that if I thought going back to work after maternity leave was hard, then going back after a career break until the youngest had started school woukd have been terrifying. She is interested in my work and proud of me for working.

It did make it easier that my husband shared paternity leave and did all the nursery settling in so I could just concentrate on my job at first so if you can get any help, take it (the baby was always better being dropped off by dad first)

Lastly remember you are in it for the long haul. Its not nice leaving your 12 month old at nursery while you work. But your 30 month old will be asking to go and see his friends.

Aus84 · 01/09/2019 22:17

Nothing is set in stone OP. Just give it a go and if it doesn't work for you and your Bub then reassess then. FWIW, a two hour trial run with you there is not an indication of how your DS will cope for a full day. It takes time and routine for them to settle. They get to know the carers and the other children and it usually gets much easier. It's a great way for you to make some new friends too. Agree with previous poster, the lead up is much worse.