To feel absolutely distraught about returning to work after mat leave?

[Namechange2306]

I’m going back on Wednesday 3 days a week. I work in a primary school. My DS is almost 11 months.
I feel this is a massive mistake and that I should have just told the head I wasn’t returning.
I’ve been googling ‘how to leave without working notice after maternity leave’ this evening, while feeling close to tears. It keeps hitting me and I mean physically. It keeps feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest.
I’ve enjoyed attending playgroups and baby groups with my DS and just spending time with him - basically just being a full time mum.
I don’t want it to end and I don’t feel ready to leave him.

I suffer with anxiety and I’ve been seeing a counsellor for 8 weeks through the NHS. That has just finished. I told her my concerns and she advised I should have a plan B in case this doesn’t work out.
He’ll be with his grandparents one day and in nursery two days. He’s hated his settling in sessions (they’ve only been an hour and two hours) and I can’t see how I’m going I’m going to leave him there for 7 hours. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get out of the car when we arrive at the nursery on Wednesday or drive away if I do manage to drop him off.

Two weeks ago I ended up having a panic attack on the motorway when driving. It was absolutely terrifying. These things have happened to me in the past and it’s usually when I’m completely consumed with anxiety about something.

I just feel like I’m trapped. I don’t want to do this, but I don’t see a way out so late in the day.

I've done working full time then part time single mum, uni mum, sahm mum, full time working mum of three. Honestly it's all a juggle. The anticipation is often the worse bit. Found it easier once going for it and doing it . Good luck.

After doing it 3 times I would say the week before you go back to work is worse than actually going back ! (Same goes for starting school 🤪) We build these this up in our heads.

Your little one will settle in at nursery it can just take time. Being back at work can be great you get a bit of yourself back, you get a lunch break and adult chat ! Your little one gets to spend some lovely time with grandparents and also have lots of fun and make friends at nursery. And you will still have time with him on your days off.

I mean this in the nicest way you just need to take a deep breath and stop catastrophing x

Many of us have been there.

It's not voluntary work, you have to work, just give it a few weeks and see how you feel then.

You will have leave and parental leave and force majeure if he is sick. You will be able to take time off. It's not all doom and gloom.

Give it until Christmas before you quit.
Break it down, just get through the first day and then you can deal with the next day.

I understand. But if it's any consolation he will want to play with other children in a year and will eventually be going to school and you will need to keep your job.

Remember: it's not voluntary work, you have to work.

It will be ok x

@Strangerthanstrange I’ll do the sums again. But we have chosen a term time only nursery for the reason that we’ll be around in the holidays anyway.

@avocadoincident unfortunately yes I need the car. My work isn’t close by and we live in a rural area so having a car is pretty much needed.

@ReturnofSaturn You can still claim if one or both of you works, as long as you are under the threshold, which I’m not sure we would be my DP working, I’d have to check on the online calculator.

@SaffronFields Thank you. That does make me feel a little better. I’m just worried about the interim.

I had a clingy little boy, we were thick as thieves he refused to ever take a bottle, slept with me for all day and night sleep and didnt settle well at nursery. I love my job but I couldn't see a way in which this perfect little human could cope without me.

It was brilliant for us. I worked shifts so daddy had to take a much bigger role and they really bonded. He took a cup of milk at nursery and then got his fill from me at home so we got to continue feeding until he was 18 months. He came on leaps and bounds, became a lot more confident and his speech is excellent...he has gone from a fairly clingy and difficult baby to a very easy going and fun little toddler. Most importantly I got to use my brain again and loved being back, I loved the office chat that wasnt all about babies and I loved coming home to see my little boy.

Dont worry if he cries for a bit, my son definitely did and we worried the whole time whether it was the right thing but nursery were excellent. Best thing to do is drop him and run and call later to check if he is settled. Hanging about isn't going to do you or him any favours.

Op you need to make a plan that will allow you to think more clearly.
Go back to work and give yourself a month. Write a date a month ahead in your diary to seriously reconsider. Until then try really hard to give your mind a rest.

You aren't going to prison. You can leave your job anytime you like. You are the one in control.

Your baby like every other baby around will be fine at nursery. I would really suggest you don't do his first day on your first day of work though.

Usually it's better to have finished the settling in completly before work.

Also.three days is good. It means you have four days with your baby !

Try to remember they get older and still need you . But you will always need a job.

The thought of going back and the actual first week is the worst part
It will get easier, you will all adjust.

I also went back 3 days a week after 10 months off. Before that I applied for all the work from home jobs, cried and stressed myself out.

It was fine, once the first week or two was over, it was our new normal and it was ok. Yes there were difficult days my baby cried being taken into childcare, I cried all the way into work. Dealing with illnesses or sleepless nights was hard. But you will enjoy the days you do get with your little one and they're more adaptable than you think. I have no regrets at all and now they're lovely, well adjusted teenagers

The easiest UC calculator is Betteroffcalculator.co.uk

( I do this all day as part of my job)

I've not read the other posts but just wanted to reassure you your baby and you will adjust very quickly and be fine. I'm a childminder and deal with distraught mums and clingy babies frequently. Plus I myself was terrible at leaving my own baby even with my mum! I totally understand how you are feeling but the best thing you can do is to try and be positive. Drop baby off and leave quickly. Dont hang around as it makes things worse. I've had a mum leave baby in tears with me last week. Day 1 baby didn't want to be held and played and cried on and off. By day 2 baby snuggled to me and cried less and played. Day 3 still tears on and off but cuddles, kisses and laughing! Its amazing how resilient they are. Take care, you will be ok x

Yano what as a society we have this work/life balance all wrong. I think it's so awful to leave our babies when they are so young and if it's causing you genuine pain then don't go back. Speak to your manager and say that you are unfit for work which you clearly are in the current situation with your anxiety issues. Get signed off and see how you feel.

I am not returning to work. I quit my job as I would be paying out more to go to work than I would be earning. I want to enjoy the precious little time I have with my baby before she grows up because who knows when I will get this opportunity again. I commend women who go back to work I really do. But when my child was three months old the idea of going back to work was making me ill.
You could always look at what you would be entitled to on the benefits calculator or to the CAB, they gave me multiple scenarios based off my information. Look at tuition and alternative means of income.

No woman should be torn like this. We all pay in to a system surely this system should support women who want to stay with their babies, because of the benefits both mentally and physically to the child and the mother. A lot of women are negative regarding stay at home mums and some Sahm are negative about working mums. We should stop this cycle of shaming and guilt. We are all doing our best to raise our children the right way and it is hard regardless of the decisions. But we should at the very least have some support in place to make the decisions that we want to without being made to give up our child at an unnatural time. This certainly is a man's world, it's hard to say we have equality when we are faced with these decisions to make and we are footing the bill regardless of what we decide.

I know it doesn't really help to hear but honestly everyone feels horrible starting back at work after maternity. Of course this is even harder for you because of your anxiety.

Try to look at the longer term picture. Three days is a brilliant balance. I do three days and it works really well. He will gain so so much from his time at nursery. Honestly it will be so worth it. Plus he gets a day to be spoilt by grandparents. Plus four whole days with you. This is a brilliant balance. You need to think about how you going back to work also benefits him as you can have your home and money. Plus you will start to feel
More confident o er the coming months bring back at work and doing something for yourself. Good luck!

Working in a school will give you more time at home with him than most, 3 days at school hours is not that long in the grand scheme of things and he will develop new skills and confidence with his grandparents and nursery. Remember that you will find this change much harder than him, I’m sure he will adapt really well.

Have you considered how much it costs you in petrol and nursery fees for those two days? Could you work your notice period and then work one full day (doing something else) whilst the grandparents look after him and maybe one evening a week once your partner is home from work? Or even one day on a weekend? Have you considered doing cleaning or ironing? It pays between £10-14 an hour. What about some dog walking for people? Could you fit in a hours walk a day whilst pushing a pushchair? (Or at least through a ball to the dog in the park). It seems like you need to work, but wouldn't two days a week without nursery fees work out the same as three days with? I'm a sahm, but when all my friends returned to work they were all completely panicked in the couple of weeks before they sent back and esp bad 2-3 days before starting back. Once they were back though, they found it much easier than they thought it would be!

This is what I would do: return on Wednesday with the intention of working for 6 weeks. Give it two weeks to settle and then, if after that, you still feel the same, hand in your notice and work your notice period. If it gets really bad, hand in your notice and get signed off. Also, what savings can you make elsewhere? We only have one car (my husband cycles to work). Do you need two cars? Can you drop off or collect your husband? Just getting rid of a car can make a big difference. The more time at home you have, the more you can plan/make cheaper meals. Could you have a clear out and eBay a few things for the first few weeks?

I think that you will be ok and are panicking. If however in a couple of weeks, you're just not enjoying it, hand your notice in. It is relatively easy to pick up cleaning/ironing work etc locally due to the amount of FB community groups.

I really sympathise.
It is hard going back to work
However I do have a few positive comments. Going back three days is a good balance, and I've tried a few. Good choice
Your little one will absolutely settle in nursery, there is a big difference between and hour and a full day. Before long he really will love it. Your trips to play sessions will have prepared him so good call.
Drop offs are messy. Prepare yourself for that, and know that it does not reflect the whole day. For occupied children, out of sight is put of mind. Once he is playing, he will be busy and happy and equally happy to see you again at the end of the day.
Raising children is a balancing act. You have to work to survive financially, and the arrangement you have put in place is the best balance.

You can do this xx

I work in a school in a support role too. I hated the thought of going back but the thought of it 100% was worse than the reality! The first day was hard when I dropped my son off but after a quick cry (from both of us) the day actually went well. Everyone was really pleased to have me back and was great to look forward to seeing my baby again. Was just as hard when I returned again after my second child but again by the end of the first day I knew it would be ok.

OP please do not take offence at this but you need to get a grip. This is not a healthy way to live your life, you have responsibilities to yourself and child to be able to provide a stable home environment. You need to go to work to do this otherwise you will cause untold issues financially and professionally for yourself.

Take him to nursery on Wednesday and tell yourself you are doing this because it’s the best solution for everyone involved. He will soon adapt and start benefiting from being amongst other children. You will be fine after a few weeks. Don’t blame the anxiety it’s not a get out of jail free card it’s all in your head and I say that with love and humility.

Your partner needs to step up and help a bit with the nursery drop offs. What exactly do other parents at his work place do?

Plan B doesn’t have to mean not working. It could mean your partner helps more, it could mean a change of job and ultimately change of childcare, it could mean a change in your hours. Lots of things.

I’ve had a lot of stress about things and my best approach was to take control. I was tempted to run away but actually it was better to accept the situation and work out what I could change.

So if I were you, I’d accept I’m returning to work and I would speak to my husband about helping a bit with settling in. I would also think about talking to work about hours and long term, think about a career change. Although when your kids hits school age it may be great so you can hang on in there.

For me, anxiety comes from a lack of control so the answer for me is to control difficult situations, where I can, and not run away.

And after reading previous replies. If you need the income, just go for it. Don't prolong the inevitable.

I would have tried anything to stay at home, but it's like ripping off a plaster, try not to overthink if it's something you will need to do in the not too distant future.

The first week will be tough. But honestly 3 days a week, term time only is a great balance. I've spent 3 years of slog to finally get the hours and days I wanted and I'm hoping my efforts will now pay off.
It can be incredibly daunting but if it's awful then you can leave and fine other work around your child. See how you get on this week before you make any decisions

I'm dreading it too and my LO is only 8 weeks! 😰.

Only you know what is best for you and your family. If you could get by not going back then don't get back but of course if you will struggle financially then see how it goes once you return.
Take no notice of unfair comments OP.

Not sure how it all works but could you not get a sick note if you wanted to hand in your notice?

i think you are having to deal with so much at the moment.dont think of it all at once.ar you a good note writer.could you write down each little bit to work through and then put little positives next to it,afformations,ways to cope etc.so all the good bits about being at work,the socialising,the strength and indipendance and break it can give you.
dc at nursery:playing with peers.learning new things.learning mum will always come back and then write a list of all the lovely thingsyour looking forward to doing when you next see hi again.so after work cuddles,cooking his tea,playing ur favourtie games,holding hands,special smell etc
anxiety: what helps there,does some meditive breathing ever help.have your tried the 4.7.8 breathing.its really good. and also trying not to ruminate.and then spiral into worse thoughts so you start with something you fear,this then starts telling stories to yourself and soon your on the other end of the spetrum having fallen down the rabbit whole of fears and now your suddenly not breathing!
so if you have one fear.just look straight at it.welcome it and then hold yourself steady realising you can deal with it.and nothing is impossible and its ONE fear.dont turn it into ten.dont try and run from it.just sit with it for a while and let it wash over,ebb,flow and then past you.
this has got to be done hasnt it.so you dont need th added pressure of fearing it.instead think of all youve gotten through so far.how much youve been trying to conqeur this by going to therapy.that in istelf is brilliant.so you can most certainly do the next bit.
your not alone.lots of people and then mums feel the way you do.
and many many dcs get upset in the first while of going to nursery.its a whole new experience.but youll get there.

Hi op 👋🏼

I go back to work on tuesday after a year off with my first baby. Ive cried everyday the past two weeks.
I dont work for a school but my job is term time and i am also going back to work 3 days a week.

Some things that are helping me;
I am with my baby more days than she is in nursery.
I am off for a week or two with my baby every six weeks or so.
Planning nice things for our days together to have things to look forward too.
Seeing her little excited face when i pick her up from nursery.
Being really annoying and talking about her/showing pics to everyone at work ( i know im so annoying)
We would really like more DC so if it really is so bad - in a years time we hope to try for DC2 - an i mean this year has gone SO fast - im sure the next year will too?

Dont know you OP but will be thinking of you when im struggling on tuesday - hope everything goes well for you 💐

@SleepDeprived2018 I hope it all goes well for you too!
I’m going back in 7 weeks, DD will only be 8.5 months but my husband is taking over shared parental leave for 3 more months until January. I’m still dreading it as 3 days doesn’t exist at my place of work and I’m fighting for 4 days. I’m just going to take one day at a time.

@Sundancer77 Ots not just about the house and car though - if your partner came home tomorrow and announced they were shagging a colleague and your relationship was over, you wouldn’t have any claim to any savings or income. It’s a very precarious position and one you should think carefully about.