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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask ex to babysit first?

92 replies

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 09:31

We’re separated and he sees Ds twice through the week and one night/day at the weekend. We tried longer overnights but Ds wasn’t managing with it.

Friday I went out for dinner with friends, I was out a few hours and my mum babysat at my house. Not sure how ex knew this but he came to collect yesterday and had a huge go at me about it. He said he should get first refusal to have Ds if I’m going out, amongst some other stuff.
He’s now just text to say he’s not bringing Ds back at lunch time like he was supposed to, as he wants more time. He knows I’ve got plans so this is his way of ‘punishing’ me for not asking him to babysit.

We split up because he was controlling/emotionally abusive. For the most part we do get on and he’s good with Ds. I feel for him that he misses him and he doesn’t have him that much, we will increase it as Ds gets older. But I don't really want him in my house alone ‘babysitting’.
He has a really good way of making me question if I’m being reasonable though. It’s like he knows the exact triggers to make me feel guilty and unsure of myself.
So was I unreasonable or not? And what would you reply to his request that he’s always asked first?

OP posts:
IfYouWannaComeBack · 01/09/2019 09:33

I personally always give my ex first refusal for “babysitting” if I have plans, but at his house.
No way would I want him in my home. We’ve split and I would feel like it’s a massive invasion of privacy.

DogWorried · 01/09/2019 09:35

If he already has him overnight and is a good father like you say, why couldn't he have him overnight Friday?

I think YABU and don't see why he shouldn't have 50% custody. Your DS (assuming he's no longer BF) would adapt and be happy given some time.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/09/2019 09:35

I personally always give my ex first refusal for “babysitting” if I have plans, but at his house

Agreed.

Doyoumind · 01/09/2019 09:38

No, he shouldn't be at your home. Going out for a few hours is allowed. Your DS was asleep and you were there in the morning, I assume.

Holding your DS hostage to punish you is not putting DS first. Don't let him make you feel you are in the wrong. Stand your ground.

You don't say how old he is but routine is important for young children.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 09:44

Sorry, thought I'd put age. ds is one next month. He is still breastfed, but will (usually) take expressed milk from a bottle.

Ex wasn't saying he wanted him overnight, he agrees that one night a week in enough for Ds. He sometimes has to bring him home on that one night, because he won't always settle or take the bottle. He wants to have him here if I'm going out or me drop him at his and collect him on my way home.

I feel it's a way to still control what I'm doing/where I'm going.

OP posts:
GlitchStitch · 01/09/2019 09:45

If you are going away for a few days then I think the other parent should be given first refusal, but not for an evening out. I wouldn't want that level of intrusion with my ex knowing all my plans especially if he's been controlling as you say.

I'm not sure why the pp is saying he should be having 50-50 when they know absolutely nothing about you or your circumstances!

Frankola · 01/09/2019 09:46

It is not "babysitting".

It is parenting his own child!

And yes,you should offer him extra time first.

NoSauce · 01/09/2019 09:48

No way. He is being a controlling arse. He wants to keep tabs on you. Don’t let him bully you into this. Do you have a court order for his contact with DS? He can’t start saying he’s not bringing him back at the agreed time!

cocomelon23 · 01/09/2019 09:51

I always give ex first refusal.

stucknoue · 01/09/2019 09:55

I think it's reasonable to ask him first

DogWorried · 01/09/2019 09:55

No he shouldn't have DS at your house ever. If I had plans, I would simply message ex.

'Hi ex, I'm going out Friday night so I was wondering if you wanted to have DS at yours for the night or shall I find a babysitter?'

It isn't hard. If he refuses to have him at his then he doesn't have him.

I do think baby won't settle is a very shitty excuse for father's to have less contact with their children. Of course they'll be unsettled to begin with but they adapt.

Templetonstunafish · 01/09/2019 09:56

No I do not think YABU. In normal circumstances maybe, but he is obviously just trying to extend his control. I would definitely not be allowing him in my house alone, what a ridiculous suggestion!
Would it be possible to see a solicitor about getting a custody agreement in writing?

You will probably get better advice if you move your thread to relationships- some really great women there with a lot of experience re. abusive partners, custody etc. Move your thread by 'reporting' it to @MNHQ. I think you're getting some really terrible advice here which ignores your situation.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 09:57

I have a court order that states Ds lives with me @NoSauce. That he has reasonable contact with his dad, but no specific times, Ds wasn't doing any overnights at the time. Ex and me have always agreed on contact, I only pushed my solicitor to formalise things due to his past controlling ways. Ex agreed to us being reasonable with contact due to Ds's young age.

He sees him two nights at mine for bath/bedtime. One day/night every weekend.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 01/09/2019 09:58

I think if DS was managing overnights then it’d be fair to ask your ex first if he wants him at his house but no way would I have it at my house and with your ex’s past behaviour I’d be worried about him trying to use it as a way to control you.
I’d also want to know how he knows your mum was babysitting, make sure you stop the leak of information to him.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 10:02

You think him refusing to drink his bottle of milk or eat, is a shitty excuse for his dad not to keep him overnight @DogWorried?
He's 11 months old!
Luckily both me and his dad are on the same page regarding overnight stays. My ex isn't asking for more overnights. He thinks he should get to 'babysit' if I'm going out. In the same way my mum babysat Friday night. I put Ds to bed, she came to my house, I returned she left.

OP posts:
DogWorried · 01/09/2019 10:05

At 11 months old, a baby doesn't NEED a bottle. You didn't mention the refusal to eat. But I'm sure he would eventually.

Like I said, you should have offered ex to have DS first.

GlitchStitch · 01/09/2019 10:12

OP you don't have to tell your ex whenever you are popping out for a few hours, it's unreasonably intrusive. You are entitled to have a life and make arrangements for when your son is in your care without involving your ex, just like he can do during his time when he starts having overnights.

Try posting that your ex went out for a drink for a couple of hours and left your DC with his girlfriend/ mum instead of calling you, you would be called a control freak and told it's none of your business.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 10:12

At 11 months he still needs breast or formula milk @DogWorried.
Offered him to have him at mine? Ex isn't saying he wants him extra overnights.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 01/09/2019 10:12

Because he was asleep and your ex wouldn't be having him overnight, then on this occasion it was appropriate to ask your Mum.

In other circumstances he should always get first refusal.

DogWorried, BF babies are used to longer suckling times, to suddenly withdraw that does cause upset. Some babies would get to the point of dehydration before they'd accet anything else. There's no reason to put the child through that. Which is why courts dont enforce overnight stays at this age. It isn't in the child's interests.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 10:16

That was my thinking @GlitchStitch. He does leave Ds with his parents some Sunday mornings while he plays football. I don't mind at all, his parents need time with Ds too.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 01/09/2019 10:16

As a reply, then once he can have him overnight he will always get first refusal, will do.

It's about your DS, not just what his father wants and your DS is entitled to a good nights sleep in a bed he knows.

They was no quality time to be had with him that he missed out on.

katesalwayslate · 01/09/2019 10:27

I think YABU. His dad should be asked first.

GlitchStitch · 01/09/2019 10:29

So should OP be asked first when he goes off to play football and leaves the child with his parents? Who would want that level of involvement with an ex that they can't even pop out for a few hours without informing them.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 10:30

He does have him one night overnight @Ponoka7. Once we feel Ds can handle it we will increase overnights.
I'm not sure I ever want to be asking him to 'babysit' though. If we build up to eow and midweek overnights, wouldn't it be reasonable that I arrange babysitters in my time and he does in his? Or should Ds never be left with my mum or his?

Maybe it's different because of the reasons we split up, I don't think he's upset he missed out on time with Ds (he slept the whole time). I think he's annoyed I could just go out without him even knowing. Me asking him, would mean he'd always know my plans.

OP posts:
Stampy84 · 01/09/2019 10:33

Is nobody actually reading the post?

OP put her baby TO BED, her mother came round- babysat. OP returns, mother LEFT.

If the father had done this, how on earth would it benefit him if the baby is in bed? He wouldn’t even see the baby!!