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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask ex to babysit first?

92 replies

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 09:31

We’re separated and he sees Ds twice through the week and one night/day at the weekend. We tried longer overnights but Ds wasn’t managing with it.

Friday I went out for dinner with friends, I was out a few hours and my mum babysat at my house. Not sure how ex knew this but he came to collect yesterday and had a huge go at me about it. He said he should get first refusal to have Ds if I’m going out, amongst some other stuff.
He’s now just text to say he’s not bringing Ds back at lunch time like he was supposed to, as he wants more time. He knows I’ve got plans so this is his way of ‘punishing’ me for not asking him to babysit.

We split up because he was controlling/emotionally abusive. For the most part we do get on and he’s good with Ds. I feel for him that he misses him and he doesn’t have him that much, we will increase it as Ds gets older. But I don't really want him in my house alone ‘babysitting’.
He has a really good way of making me question if I’m being reasonable though. It’s like he knows the exact triggers to make me feel guilty and unsure of myself.
So was I unreasonable or not? And what would you reply to his request that he’s always asked first?

OP posts:

GlitchStitch · 01/09/2019 10:34

This would be a dream for controlling exes. Could you imagine- going out again are you? You already went out last week! If you have an amiable split and everyone agrees to a first refusal arrangement then great. But it should not be forced.

I did have a friend who was very possessive over her child and wanted it in the court order that she always had first refusal and her ex never used a babysitter. She didn't succeed.

ChildminderMum · 01/09/2019 10:39

You're being reasonable.

He doesn't need to know/have a say in you going out or your DS spending time with other family members.
Just as on his time, he is free to leave DS with his parents.

An 11 month old baby doesn't need lots of overnight stays away from his main carer. Short, frequent visits are much more beneficial to him.

bookbuddy · 01/09/2019 10:42

I don’t think your bu, he will be calling you back with fake emergencies and telling you off if you get back to late. I wouldn’t be giving him any more control over my life. He’s punishing you today for his loss of control.

MyNewBearTotoro · 01/09/2019 10:43

I think the posters saying YABU have failed to properly read the full thread.

It’s perfectly reasonable to ask your Mum to babysit in your house for a few hours whilst you go out. If you were going away for a weekend and leaving DS then of course your ex should get first refusal to care for DS, but you’re talking a few hours whilst DS was asleep, not a few days.

I think you’re right that asking ex and inviting him to babysit in your house every time you want a night out gives him too much control and insight into your life and isn’t healthy. I also agree that it’s normal and good for DS to have time with both sets of grandparents and it sounds like both you and ex are lucky to have parents who are involved and happy to help.

Once DS is older and better able to cope with overnights then maybe bit would be better to try and arrange for ex to have him at his house on nights that you have plans, but whilst you’re not yet at that stage I would just keep using your Mum if you’re only going out for a few hours.

Hooferdoofer37 · 01/09/2019 10:49

In this situation you were right to not ask him OP.

He is using "babysitting" to check out what goes on in your house, what time you get home, whether you've had a drink etc etc.

His DC was asleep, so this wasn't about spending time with his child, it was about keeping tabs on you which isn't on.

Controlling men will always resist losing control of their victim, do not allow him to make you feel bad for this, it's his problem, bot yours.

Sotiredofthislife · 01/09/2019 10:51

No, no, no. If he has his child more, he does it in his own home. Personally, I always used my mum and now my eldest is old enough, he does it. My ex does not get to know how often I go out, what time, I get back, nor does he get to see who,picks me up or what I’m wearing. It is a massive, massive invasion of privacy and as pointed out up thread, the dream of any controlling man. So no, he doesn’t get first refusal.

Grambler · 01/09/2019 10:52

He'd love you to have to ask, wouldn't he? Please Mr Ex, may I go out on Friday? It's just with friends, honest, and of course I'll be back by midnight. Bollocks to that. His parents look after your baby during your ex's time, why shouldn't your parents look after your baby during your time? Would it even occur to him to ask you to come to his house to babysit your own child while he goes out? Nope.

hazell42 · 01/09/2019 10:52

I think you should ask him first.
Regardless.of how he has treated you.
If he was abusive to you, he will probably say no. Then you can do what you want with impunity

Inmyownlittlecorner · 01/09/2019 10:55

YANBU OP. Being in any kind of relationship with a controlling partner is hard. As a PP said, this wasn’t about time with his son, it was about controlling your down time.

Doyoumind · 01/09/2019 10:56

hazell42 I'm not sure if you are incredibly, incredibly naive and have no expeienece whatsoever of DA or are goading.

AllFourOfThem · 01/09/2019 10:57

I think YANBU but if your DS was awake, then I think it would be nice to ask him first. Perhaps talk to him and say that you are happy for it to work both ways that if during designated child time whoever has him needs someone to look after him the other parent is asked first (eg for football in the morning) but not of it is whilst he is asleep.

ChildminderMum · 01/09/2019 10:58

hazel - or maybe a controlling man would love the opportunity to nose round her house, look through her things, note how often she goes out, with who, what time she gets back?

AngelsSins · 01/09/2019 11:10

So it’s ok for him to have his mum babysit, but not ok for you to have your mum babysit? If he’s controlling I’d also strong bet that he will agree to “babysit” only to cancel on you last minute etc. Just ignore his tantrum, he’s an idiot.

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 11:18

That was exactly what I was thinking @Sotiredofthislife. It would a what you doing, where you going, who with, thing. I don't want that.
He's very good at making me think I'm unreasonable and saying he just wants what's best for Ds. And maybe I am slightly unreasonable, but I don't trust him and that's on him and his behaviour.
It would be great if we had the kind of relationship where I trusted him to pop round and watch Ds at mine, where I wasn't worry that he'd kick off over where I'd been, what I was doing. But if that were the case, we probably wouldn't be split up anyway.

I tolerate him here twice a week to see Ds and that means I have to endure the 'talking' about us. I need to keep boundaries in place as difficult as it is and I think I need to remember that it's his fault as to why I have to do so.

OP posts:

Selmababies · 01/09/2019 11:25

*In this situation you were right to not ask him OP.

He is using "babysitting" to check out what goes on in your house, what time you get home, whether you've had a drink etc etc.

His DC was asleep, so this wasn't about spending time with his child, it was about keeping tabs on you which isn't on.

Controlling men will always resist losing control of their victim, do not allow him to make you feel bad for this, it's his problem, not yours.*

I wholeheartedly agree with the above.
You need to let him know very firmly what the boundaries are. Stick to the times you've already agreed for the foreseeable future.
You're being very reasonable letting him into your home twice a week as it is to bath Baby and do the bedtimes. Let the ex know that if he is jeopardising this arrangement by returning the baby to you late.
Informal mutually agreed arrangements only work if both parties stick to the agreement. When one party starts to disrespect the other and break the agreement, it's probably the time to get a Court Order to specify contact arrangements

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 11:31

I replied to his message, that I expect Ds to be returned at the usually time per our agreement, but that if he wishes to discuss extra time I'm happy to do so.
That I won't be asking him to babysit as I'm capable of ensuring Ds is appropriately cared for in my time, just as he is in his time and I wouldn't expect him to ask me first. If I plan to leave Ds overnight with someone else I will speak to him before hand about it though. Also that he needs to remember the reasons why we separated and the promises he made and that he needs to stick to them if he wants us to continue to have a good co parenting relationship for Ds and the new baby. (I'm also pregnant, obviously his). He knows seeing the baby is going to have to be at mine and fortunately that seems to keep him somewhat in check if he starts acting like a idiot.

OP posts:

Selmababies · 01/09/2019 11:34

That sounds like a perfect response.

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 11:44

Thank you @Selmababies. No reply from him yet.

Hopefully in time we can get to the stage where I can give him first refusal and I'll trust that it's about just wanting time with Ds and not knowing what I'm up to. I mean he'll move on eventually, won't he?

OP posts:

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 01/09/2019 12:14

I'm so surprised by some of the responses on here. YANBU OP, at all.

He's trying to control you still and that's not okay. Your response to him was perfect.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 12:28

His parents look after your baby during your ex's time, why shouldn't your parents look after your baby during your time?

Exactly.

If I plan to leave Ds overnight with someone else I will speak to him before hand about it though.

No, that is not appropriate. It’s up to you if you choose to leave your child with someone overnight on your time, your ex doesn’t need to know this. He is being kept in the loop if you do this so won’t move on if you involve him in decisions like this.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 01/09/2019 12:43

@GirlOnIt

I remember your previous threads about him and commented on a few.

YANBU at all. He only threw this tantrum because he still wants to control you....just like when he purposely stayed out, which resulted in you not being able to meet your friend (which was planned and he knew about it).

You are right, you need to keep very firm boundaries.

AE18 · 01/09/2019 13:29

I don't think YABU, it would be nice to offer it to him but you're entitled to develop a relationship between your son and your mum on your own time if you want to. My mum loves spending time alone with my daughter and I think it's good for her to get used to being looked after by non parents.

You're certainly not unreasonable for not wanting him at your house, either.

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 13:32

The thing with overnights @Cherrysoup. Is that he would like more, but Ds doesn't seem to cope with them. Ex has been reasonable with his expectations and he puts the effort in to maintain contact with Ds. I think he'd deserve to know if I was planning on leaving him overnight with someone else and I'd want to know if he did. For instance I'm thinking of trying him with my mum before the baby is due so she can have him, when I'm at hospital. Then ex can be there when the baby is born, although I've not decided on that yet. I keep changing my mind.

He hasn't returned him yet, due at 1. But he's messaged to say he's on his way.

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 13:40

That's my worry @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda. I've already had the "where did you go anyway?" "Who were you with?".

It's difficult, because he brings things back round to 'well if I was still living at home, I'd be.......seeing Ds everyday/he wouldn't be upset at being away from home. Even said, you'd be able to go out whenever because I'd be home...... but we know how well they worked before

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 13:40

Everything he does to piss you off is to control you. Keep strong, keep contact to the bare minimum.

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