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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask ex to babysit first?

92 replies

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 09:31

We’re separated and he sees Ds twice through the week and one night/day at the weekend. We tried longer overnights but Ds wasn’t managing with it.

Friday I went out for dinner with friends, I was out a few hours and my mum babysat at my house. Not sure how ex knew this but he came to collect yesterday and had a huge go at me about it. He said he should get first refusal to have Ds if I’m going out, amongst some other stuff.
He’s now just text to say he’s not bringing Ds back at lunch time like he was supposed to, as he wants more time. He knows I’ve got plans so this is his way of ‘punishing’ me for not asking him to babysit.

We split up because he was controlling/emotionally abusive. For the most part we do get on and he’s good with Ds. I feel for him that he misses him and he doesn’t have him that much, we will increase it as Ds gets older. But I don't really want him in my house alone ‘babysitting’.
He has a really good way of making me question if I’m being reasonable though. It’s like he knows the exact triggers to make me feel guilty and unsure of myself.
So was I unreasonable or not? And what would you reply to his request that he’s always asked first?

OP posts:

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 01/09/2019 13:41

I wouldn’t have him at the birth.

He may very well be the father, but that doesn’t give him a right to be with you during a very vulnerable/intense time. You need to have a birthing partner that has YOUR best interests at heart...not someone why pushes boundaries (like walking into the bathroom when you first split, whilst you were in the bath).

At the very least have both your DM and your ex. Your DM (who seems to have the measure of him), will be your advocate and won’t put up with any nonsense!

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 01/09/2019 13:41

Who pushes boundaries!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/09/2019 13:46

I actually agree with you OP. I don't think that he should get first refusal for babysitting, especially if he's been controlling and emotionally abusing in the past. This will give him access to knowing what you are doing, with whom, and also give him another avenue to control you with. He will then be able to not turn up if he's unhappy with what you are up to and spoil your plans.

However it's good to try and keep things amicable so would offer now and again, but only if you don't have any special or important plans - is stick with your DM in that case. I read his mum baby sits for him, I'm not sure how that is different to your mum babysitting for you.

And there is NO way I'd have him in the house - that's your safe space

IsobelRae23 · 01/09/2019 13:47

My ex was always asked first to ‘parent’ his child before asking someone to ‘babysit’.

slobberyblob · 01/09/2019 13:51

I think he's being unreasonable! Like could he not have said "oh, if you ever need me to have ds, even for a few hours if you're going out or something, I'd be happy to take the extra time with him" the fact he's kicked up a stink and is now acting like an arse would piss me off..

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 14:04

The problem is @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda. At the moment Ds is so unsettled that I'd only really want him with his dad or my mum. Which would mean if ex has him he won't even get to see the baby straight after, he'll be home with Ds. I'm also not sure I want my mum with me, don't know I just feel weird about that.
Ex was very good when Ds was born, he's also really not pushing it this time. He's said it's up to me, he'd like to see the baby as soon as possible but if he needs to be with Ds he understands.

Hopefully by then Ds will be a bit more settled and maybe ex's parents will have him. I feel like I'd be ok giving birth on my own though, actually think I'd maybe prefer it. Then ex could just come see the baby as soon as she arrives.

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 14:09

He says he's said that @slobberyblob. Well he shouted it at me down the phone yesterday.
He's dropped Ds off and now said he just didn't know who I'd left him with and that's why he was bothered and he was shocked I was out. I'm pregnant you see, so should obviously not be leaving the house.
He's very good at making excuses and he's very good at trying to find things out without asking.

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 18:47

He's just messaged! I don't mind your mum having him but will you just let me know when you're going out so I know who's got him.
Hmm, no I don't think so.

OP posts:

Ayemama · 01/09/2019 18:57

Hmm personally I don't think I'd have my ex in the delivery room, I'd have him watching DS so you get a little time to yourself with new baby without having to deal with him but really Depends on your relationship with him.
As for spending more time with DS, how exactly is he meant to do that while he is asleep? And as for knowing who has him, who exactly does he expect you to let watch your 11month old?
I think the message you sent him was great.

However if he starts refusing to return DS at the agreed upon time you might need to get a new court order with stipulated times.

LannieDuck · 01/09/2019 19:00

Any rules need to apply to both of you. So if he wants to know when you're going out, he would also need to tell you every time he goes out and who's looking after DS during that time (i.e. every time he goes to football practice). If he doesn't want to do that, why should you do it?

But i agree that it would be better to just refuse completely.

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 21:04

Yes, I'm going with refusing completely @LannieDuck. He had him one night so it's hardly the same. I go to yoga and my mum watches Ds then, am I supposed to tell him that? Or if I called to the supermarket or an appointment and my grandparents have watched him for a hour?

I just replied: I'm sure you know I'd only leave Ds with someone suitable. And we aren't together anymore so you don't need to know where I'm going or what I'm doing. Although I'm sure whoever is spying for you will fill you in anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 01/09/2019 21:07

I really don't know @Ayemama. I'm thinking I might ask him to wait outside and he can come see the baby once she's here.
Childbirth is so unpredictable though and you just don't know how things will go.

OP posts:

nanbread · 01/09/2019 21:12

Ooh great reply OP! He needs to be kept in check.

RandomMess · 01/09/2019 21:13

He is so desperate to still
Be in control
Isn't he!

ScoobyCan · 01/09/2019 21:35

Not sure how ex knew this but he came to collect yesterday and had a huge go at me about it

I think you need to find out who in their right mind would have told your controlling And emotionally abusive ex that your mum sat for you on Friday night. Be careful who you speak to....

Also, you say DS sometimes doesn't settle so ex brings him back that evening?? Yet another form of control as you therefore need to be home. This all smacks of unreasonable behaviour on his part. Sorry OP.

spidersonmyceiling · 01/09/2019 21:51

Would you be able to get s doula for the birth,?

Witsendagain · 01/09/2019 21:53

Hi Op!
During your 'contact time' it is your right to set up whatever child care you deem appropriate. He does not get a say.
I am pretty sure him babysitting would be used to control you (he would dictate duration, phone during the night, make you return etc.). You seem to think so too!

I would be blunt with him.
"ex, I am not happy having you in my house when I am not there, for that reason any night outs that I plan I will arrange child care from my mum. Of course you will get first refusal for any daytime child care I may need, and this can be reevaluated as and when baby is more comfortable with over nights.
I don't ask for first refusal when your doing your football because I respect your right to organise childcare during your contact Tim and I expect the same respect."

What really concerns me is that he has not returned your child to you at the prearranged time because he's changed his mind. That is absolutely unacceptable and if he does it again you need to get police involved. I would suggest logging that text with social services. He has shown you he is capable of keeping your child away from you. Do not ignore it!

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 02/09/2019 09:38

I think it's from social media @ScoobyCan. I don't think he knew my mum had him, well he was saying he didn't, he just knew I was out. I don't put anything on and my friends have blocked him, but we've got lots of mutual friends and I'm guessing someone is 'telling' him.
Not sure who, but I've got a idea!

I don't actually feel like I need anyone @spidersonmyceiling. But one of my very good friends is a midwife and I might ask her if she's not working herself to be with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 02/09/2019 09:43

He was half an hour late @Witsendagain. But we're usually quite relaxed with times within a hour or so. It was that he knew I had plans on Sunday, so I know it was on 'purpose'.

I keep all texts etc, so I've got ones saying he needs to return him from this weekend.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 02/09/2019 10:02

I wouldn't have a controlling ex in my house while I wasn't there. Completely different issue to him seeing his child and I think some posters are wilfully misunderstanding that. The baby was asleep anyway it's not like he was missing out on time with him bonding.

Also a breastfed baby needing to breastfeed is completely different to whether a bottle fed baby needs a bottle at 11 months. Usually bottle fed babies have other ways of self soothing or being soothed by someone other than their mother. And babies under a year old still need either breast milk or formula anyway.

Ayemama · 02/09/2019 17:25

If you suspect who it is, it might be worth hiding your posts from them to see if this helps and for the sake of peace.
If he sees you as his property which his behaviour suggests is the case it might be a very long time before he stops the controlling behaviour completely.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 02/09/2019 17:29

I wouldn’t give my ex first refusal of “babysitting” his own child because, like you, my ex is a controlling abuser too. I wouldn’t want him knowing every time I go out or pressing me for more information about my plans. And I know he’d throw it back in my face as some kind of punishment at a later date.

Your ex’s behaviour today makes me think he’s probably very similar.....

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 02/09/2019 19:14

I didn't post anything @Ayemama. But one of my friends put a picture on Instagram. We went out for a friends birthday, I went for the meal was only out a few hours (not that it matters).

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnIt · 02/09/2019 19:15

I think he probably is, yes @YouSayPotatoesISayVodka.

OP posts:

VeThings · 02/09/2019 19:29

I’m glad you’ve decided not to give him first refusal. It’s completely about controlling you.

I’d suggest posting in relationships next time. The early posters were not helpful.

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