To not ask ex to babysit first?

[GirlOnIt]

We’re separated and he sees Ds twice through the week and one night/day at the weekend. We tried longer overnights but Ds wasn’t managing with it.

Friday I went out for dinner with friends, I was out a few hours and my mum babysat at my house. Not sure how ex knew this but he came to collect yesterday and had a huge go at me about it. He said he should get first refusal to have Ds if I’m going out, amongst some other stuff.
He’s now just text to say he’s not bringing Ds back at lunch time like he was supposed to, as he wants more time. He knows I’ve got plans so this is his way of ‘punishing’ me for not asking him to babysit.

We split up because he was controlling/emotionally abusive. For the most part we do get on and he’s good with Ds. I feel for him that he misses him and he doesn’t have him that much, we will increase it as Ds gets older. But I don't really want him in my house alone ‘babysitting’.
He has a really good way of making me question if I’m being reasonable though. It’s like he knows the exact triggers to make me feel guilty and unsure of myself.
So was I unreasonable or not? And what would you reply to his request that he’s always asked first?

This thread just shows how many do not understand control and abusive relationships. Too many have posted some utter crap.

Yanbu pp and continue as you have been.
You sound very reasonable considering the circumstances and age of your ds.

I was debating posting in relationship @VeThings. But I'm glad I got some mixed responses. They actually helped me really think about it and in a way 'defending' my choice, meant I realised I'd done what was right for me.

He acts so reasonable for so long and then he does something off like this. I'd love for us to have a relationship where he was the first person who I'd ask to have Ds, like some posters. But we don't and I've to just do the best I can for Ds and baby Dd.
That might mean putting up with some of his crap, but not all of it.

Well he behaved like an idiot and didn't have the right to have a go at you or refuse to bring him back. But, I co parent and have since ds was very tiny. We'd always give each other first refusal if we were going out or away. So I think your ex is not being unreasonable to ask for this going forward, it all helps him build a relationship with ds at the end of the day.
He went about it very badly though, I sympathise with you about that

It's great that it works for you @Timeaftertime42. But l wouldn't trust my ex in my home, I don't want him knowing where I'm going and he'd expect to be told. And the more I've thought, even if Ds settles ok overnights. I was out for a few hours, I'd put Ds to bed and I was home before he woke again. If ex had taken him overnight I'd have missed a bedtime and a morning.

Slight update: ex was due to have Ds from lunch yesterday to lunch today. I was going on a spa break with my friends, so gave him the option of keeping Ds longer today or dropping him off with my mum at my house. So no extra travel etc for him and if he wanted he could have had Ds for longer today.
No, that wasn't ok with him. He couldn't have Ds longer but refused to drop him with my mum, he won't speak to her (his words).

So I went anyway and had numerous calls from him last night saying Ds was upset etc, I gave him the option to drop him with mum but he wouldn't. So I'm now apparently the worst mother in the world and he's taking me to court for full custody (even though he can't cope with Ds one night). Ds is home with my mum, ex's mum ended up collecting and dropping him at my mums. He's been absolutely fine, not upset at all.

This at least confirms to me that I can't tell him what I'm doing it where I'm going, because he just can't help but try spoil it.

His mum even said Ds was fine when she collected him last night. He's going away next weekend and won't be seeing Ds at all. I'm away one night, when he's supposed to have him anyway, but I'm a terrible parent for doing that.
I knew I shouldn't have told him, should have just let my mum wait for Ds and got her to tell ex I was shopping or something. Either way I'd probably get grief from him though.

Sure, a baby doesn't NEED a bottle, but why does the ex's wants get put before their child's comforts?

Oh he is a twat isn't he. He keeps on showing all concerned that it's about control and not your DS.

Yep he is @Grambler. Even his mum said he needs to sort himself out. God knows what he's going to be like when Dd arrives.

The less information he has about your movements the better. DC beat interests are not forefront in his mind.

Best FGS. I swear I checked.

I know @MrsTerryPratchett. I'm just not sure how to balance that with him having a good relationship with Ds and Dd (when she arrives). It would be so much easier if they were older.
I find he just really drains me and I wonder if it would have been easier staying with him. At least until the Dc are older.

Much better to get out earlier. It's the DC's normal so there's no wrenching them from a familiar situation. And he will start to get bored if you carry on having decent boundaries. But good boundaries are very very tiring to maintain in the beginning, particularly when he's good at pushing them. You have to think about what he's saying and what he wants constantly, when you don't want to.

Come here when you need a pep talk!

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett. I keep telling myself that it's better now and that the Dc will never miss him being here full time. But god it's hard and I just know it's going to be harder when the baby arrives and I've two on my own and I'm all emotional after giving birth and I just know he'll be lovely then, because he knows what he's doing.

Does he have to be at the birth? I personally, wouldn’t have him there, he may be the father but you are not together anymore.

If you want him there, If l were you I’d have your mother with you, so she can support you and strengthen your resolve.

And I agree, he tried to sabotage your evening. Stop telling him of your plans....you can bet he doesn’t involve you in his!

He’s very much trying to sabotage any time you have without DC.

Your mum sounds lovely - will she help you out when baby is born? If your mum is prepared to do that, will lessen the stress on you and make you less vulnerable to him acting ‘lovely’.

Also you could look at booking a post-natal doula to help too.

Personally, I wouldn’t have him at the birth. It will stress you out and may hinder birth. Could your ex’s DM, a relative or a friend commit to looking after DS so that you can have your mum with you (if you want her), under strict instructions that ex is not let in to see the baby until you feel ready?

Oh unfortunately he does @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda. Well at least some of them, I'm constantly getting messages when he's out. Some lovely one telling me he's with other women and all that. Thing is I don't care! He can do what and who he wants, I'm only bothered about our dc and the effect on them.

Really not sure about the birth at the moment, I'll have a think a bit nearer the time. Which I keep thinking for everything baby related but actually it's not that long to go really.

My mum is great @VeThings. She's a teacher though so can't be off when I have the baby. She's reduced to three days though, she fas Ds two days a week while I'm working at the moment and will be around those days to help with baby too.