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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think SIL is taking advantage of us?

91 replies

wetelectricblanket · 31/08/2019 18:25

Long-time lurker (5+ years ) and this is the first time I've been compelled to post as I have had it with SIL.
For a bit of background, DH has one sister who is a single mother of two children,his father has been dead for over 20 years so both SIL and MIL really rely on DH. When I first met DH he was giving his mother almost a third of his salary and he wasn't living with her. He took a step back from them when we got married which I was glad of.
So two years ago SIL was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer she needed surgery and a course of chemo afterwards. Obviously this was terrible and DH and I tried to be supportive as possible. When SIL had surgery we had her children for two weeks while she recovered and even after that we often had them at weekends/brought them on holidays with us to give her a break.
When SIL started having treament she said she has no childcare even though MIL normally looks after the kids mid-week but she was suddenly occupied. So we agreed that our nanny would collect the kids and feed them do homework etc and we dropped them home later. I also accompanied SIL to treatment several times taking time off work to do so.
The problem is over a year ago SIL was given the all-clear. But she still continuously asks us to mind her kids overnight/for weekends. I have begun making up excuses as I feel shes using us as free childcare while she goes shopping goes out to lunch etc as she does not work.
What has prompted all this is last week SIL approached us asking if she could borrow money for Christmas as she says she cannot afford to treat her kids. I pointed out it was August and she just broke down saying it's not fair she cant give her kids what we give hours.DH and I have agreed not to give her the money as we feel she will continue to ask.
So AIBU to put a stop to supporting SIL and how would you talk her about this?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 18:26

How old are her children? Has she ever worked?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 31/08/2019 18:27

Yes she’s treating you like a bank and holding your life against you. Dial it back.

flumpybear · 31/08/2019 18:28

She needs a job!

slipperywhensparticus · 31/08/2019 18:29

Can you support her in other ways? Tell her you simply dont have the money but you can help her budget or something?

summersherewishiwasnt · 31/08/2019 18:30

Give her something more usual than money.... advice.
GET A JOB!
It’s awful that she was ill but you supported her fantastically because she “needed” support. Now she just wants it. Not the same thing. At. All.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 31/08/2019 18:30

Gosh I think your right to not lend her the money. Is there a reason why she can't work and before anyone jumps on me I was also diagnosed with early breast cancer last year and had a single mastectomy this year.
I took 6 months off work and am lucky that I could do so.
Maybe you and your DH need to agree to how much time you want to give to her kids and then have that discussion with your sil?

Original poster
wetelectricblanket · 31/08/2019 18:32

Her children are 8 and 10
She hasn't had a job since her first was born. She is divorced but the are on bad terms and what I can gather she lives off maintenance from him along with a small rental income for a property she inherited.
When I suggested her looking for a job she got extremely offended saying she was too ill to work so I have not spoken to her since about it .

OP posts:
ImNotYourGranny · 31/08/2019 18:33

Can you afford to help her out with Christmas?

IncrediblySadToo · 31/08/2019 18:36

I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. I’d just say ‘No, sorry we can’t have them this week/time’.

It’s unfortunate her kids can’t gave what your kids have, but that’s life! Kids can only have what their parents can afford, not what ‘everyone ejde’🙄 has

As you say she has FOUR months to do what most people have to do and save for Christmas

I’m sorry she HAD cancer, and i’m sure some people take a long time to be fully well again, but not everyone & some use it as an excuse for childcare, ‘borrowing’ money etc.

How does DH’s mum cope now though with such a drop in income, when DH stopped supporting her when you got married? Do you get on ok with her or does she resent you? If you get on well then maybe a mention of how much you helped DSIL when she needed it, but you can’t carry on like that forever might help, but I wouldn’t if there’s already tension between you.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 18:36

In these scenarios, why does everyone advocate lying and saying you won't lend money because you can't afford it?! If SIL know you and your lifestyle, she'll have a good idea that you could afford it so that's bollocks.

It sounds like you've been amazingly supportive, but now she's taking the piss.

There's no logic to her lending money in August for Christmas. If it's an amount that she can't save between now and December then it's likely an amount that she'll struggle to repay.

Nautiloid · 31/08/2019 18:38

She feels it's unfair that you have more than she does.
She feels you OWE her this.
The solution is for her to work, but I imagine in her mind if she were to do this you would need to sort her childcare.
This sort of victim mentality is hard to address. Your only control here is to say no to everything you're not comfortable with.
It would be a terrible shame if she let that damage the relationship, but that's really her choice.
You are all adults, normal adults don't ask for stuff like this more than absolutely necessary.
I do sympathise with her about Christmas. My DH took an enormous pay cut this year and so far I have saved £28 for Christmas for three children...so thinking about it in August is vital for me, because I need to look for extra work to fit around my current schedule to pay for it. Not beg for it.

Original poster
wetelectricblanket · 31/08/2019 18:41

Dh and I can afford to help her out at Christmas, but we will not because it would set a precedent. I feel as though she has four months to get into work or to put some money away from it.MIL does not really speak to me barely tolerates me because I wanted DH to spend the money he earned on us and our children.MIL is not in a bad position financially and when SIL got sick even though they are close she didn't offer to help with the kids or even look after SIL,so don't think she'll be much help

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 31/08/2019 18:43

God they sound like a right pair of martyrs.
I couldn't be doing with this.

Grumpelstilskin · 31/08/2019 18:45

Of course, she won't be able to give her kids the same as you provide for yours. That's fecking part and parcel of not working! Why should you subsidise her now though? My DM had very aggressive breast cancer and while it knocked the stuffing out of her during treatment that included very invasive surgery, she returned to work after being given the all clear. She did feel more tired at times and dialled back her hours and no longer does over time but your SIL is unlikely to have had such an aggressive treatment with a far earlier diagnosis. Two years on, she is BU to expect the same level of support and handouts. I agree that you will not do her any favours to encourage her in relying on you. She needs to become self-sufficient and take responsibility for her own life. With her youngest DC being 8 years old, it is about high time she started working if she wants the financial rewards. Otherwise, she needs to reign in her expectations and start saving up now.

RuggerHug · 31/08/2019 18:45

YANBU. If it was December and she was in a panic with nothing saved I'd be tempted to loan her the money so the DCs wouldn't miss out but no. She has time to plan/budget/save.

8misskitty8 · 31/08/2019 18:45

If she has a property that she rents out and is short of money then why doesn’t she sell the property ?
She is taking the piss, do not give her any more money or childcare.

There are many people out there with or had cancer and they have jobs. A friend has terminal cancer and still works.

Rachelover40 · 31/08/2019 18:48

Your sister in law is taking the piss a bit but you obviously like her and her children.

Could you and your husband give her some cash as a Christmas present? That would seem like a good compromise.

boringbertha · 31/08/2019 18:48

So she's got another property? No way would I be lending her money. Why can't she sell it and use the money from that?

Original poster
wetelectricblanket · 31/08/2019 18:53

She has attempted to sell the property, but she has unrealistic expectations on its value and so buyers always fall through.
I had thought of giving her the money for Christmas but I can work out what is appropriate. Normally we would spend about 100 pounds on a present for her but this seems a bit meagre for to kids, but at the same time anything more is again setting a precedent arghhh

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 31/08/2019 18:53

Well at least yourself and dh are on the same page and have both agreed not to give her money. You need to scale back on all the help and just tell her you were happy to help when she needed it but now that she's well again you all need to get back to normal and that means minding her own kids (and not taking the piss out of your generosity). Surely she gets a break when the kids are with their father. Stick to your guns regarding the money - if you give in once she'll see you as a cash machine and you and Dh will resent her even more. It's not your problem that her marriage ended, that she won't work and therefore cannot give her kids the same as you give yours.

billy1966 · 31/08/2019 19:02

You and your husband sound incredibly kind and supportive but as I read constantly on MN you are being massively taken for granted.

Do not lie, tell the truth. She needs to sort herself out financially and re childcare.

Take a massive step back.

You actually sound like a bit of a saint!

Cryalot2 · 31/08/2019 19:11

Sorry your inlaws have treated you like this. You sound most kind and have the patience of a saint. I think Nautiloid has summed up well .
Sorry sil got ill but she does seem to be using you.
Good wishes with this difficult one.

summersherewishiwasnt · 31/08/2019 19:13

£100 for two kids that are not yours is not meager. Christ on a bike

Pheasantplucker2 · 31/08/2019 19:17

I'd start asking for the odd favour, see what happens. "Can the kids stay over on Saturday?" When she asks how you could possibly ask say that it would be nice if, now she's better things could get back to a more reciprocal arrangement, and you could also do with a hand from time to time. Or, if every time she asks say that you'll do the 14th if she can have yours on the 21st. She'll soon stop asking.

Definitely no money. And don't offer to give her money for the kids, she'll spend it on presents from her.

Good luck

RoryGlory · 31/08/2019 19:21

Did you start this just to boast?