to think SIL is taking advantage of us?

[wetelectricblanket]

Long-time lurker (5+ years ) and this is the first time I've been compelled to post as I have had it with SIL.
For a bit of background, DH has one sister who is a single mother of two children,his father has been dead for over 20 years so both SIL and MIL really rely on DH. When I first met DH he was giving his mother almost a third of his salary and he wasn't living with her. He took a step back from them when we got married which I was glad of.
So two years ago SIL was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer she needed surgery and a course of chemo afterwards. Obviously this was terrible and DH and I tried to be supportive as possible. When SIL had surgery we had her children for two weeks while she recovered and even after that we often had them at weekends/brought them on holidays with us to give her a break.
When SIL started having treament she said she has no childcare even though MIL normally looks after the kids mid-week but she was suddenly occupied. So we agreed that our nanny would collect the kids and feed them do homework etc and we dropped them home later. I also accompanied SIL to treatment several times taking time off work to do so.
The problem is over a year ago SIL was given the all-clear. But she still continuously asks us to mind her kids overnight/for weekends. I have begun making up excuses as I feel shes using us as free childcare while she goes shopping goes out to lunch etc as she does not work.
What has prompted all this is last week SIL approached us asking if she could borrow money for Christmas as she says she cannot afford to treat her kids. I pointed out it was August and she just broke down saying it's not fair she cant give her kids what we give hours.DH and I have agreed not to give her the money as we feel she will continue to ask.
So AIBU to put a stop to supporting SIL and how would you talk her about this?

Incidentally, I strongly recommend that she, and any woman under 45 with breast cancer, joins Younger Breast Cancer Network (UK) on Facebook. It's a really remarkable group. It's sort of a gentler Mumsnet, with similarly capable and knowledgeable people, and the same support that shared experience can provide. (I found plenty of mothers with SEN kids having chemo, for example, who had great suggestions and were there when I was stressed or scared.) It's not wimpy, either - people are good at support that means something. There's a Moving On sub-page page for women through treatment, and one for women Living With (where it's not curable).

I don't know where you live, but if she's anywhere near a Maggie's, they also provide the sort of backup she could benefit from, plus lots and lots of brilliant activities for children. Mine did a silk scarf workshop last week, and it was free (always is). It's also nice just to be somewhere so beautiful, and be understood.

It would be a lot better for her to try to get people to help herself, as that site does, with info, support and understanding, than to want you to parent her for the rest of her life.

I think the two of you sounds lovely, generous and very supportive particularly given that you have jobs and children yourselves.

Obviously breast cancer at a young age is awful, really unlucky but she is very lucky to have had your support. She is also very lucky to have inherited a property and have the rent as a source of income.
There is no helping some people as she is clearly not prepared to even try to help herself and prefers to paint herself as hard done by.
Your MIL sounds awful too. The apple didn't fall far from the tree there perhaps.

@perfectstorm thanks for such an informative post I will pass on the info .I'm sort you've had you're own struggle and hope things are beginning to look up.
You seem very informed obviously things have changed since I was training and I'm not that uptodate with oncology.My post is slightly confused as I really meant it's more common in her particular case because of her genome (I.e a relatively common mutation that predisposes you to recurrence ) and chemo is being used less in many cancers (eg CML)but also it's being used more in patients who previously wouldn't have had chemo due to an early stage to improve long term survival (I realize this is off topic but I'm a nerd what can I say)
It's very true a lot of people thing early stage cancer is more minor that it is.A double mastectomy is a huge operation both physically and psychologically .

Deary me, she’s learned her graspy habits from her mother. You sound as if you’ve been a great support to her throughout her illness but she does need to get back on track. I have no sympathy for people pleading poverty when they refuse to work and have a bloody house they could sell!!

So adults who have had childhood cancer are classed as disabled for life?

she just broke down saying it's not fair she cant give her kids what we give hours.

Did you reply to that-‘no, of course not as we both work and you don’t?’

It sounds weird, I know, but... cancer's really interesting, isn't it? Scary and miserable as it's been, I have been left with such respect for the human body. I had an extravasation, and there was concern it could need plastics intervention, but it healed, even during chemo. And watching that happen so visibly (and the way the DIEP functioned, right from the first night) really made me appreciate how amazing our bodies actually are. In the past, I'd seen it as how they looked, and not how they're constructed, and their ability to heal and recover. I'm being put on the NATALEE trial post-oophorectomy, and the nerd in me is quite excited by that, too. I'm interested to find out, eventually, where the double-blinding puts me.

And having cancer obviously is random, and affects arses and angels alike. I met a woman in rads who had a small area of DCIS removed via lumpectomy. She started saying she couldn't have stood to have had her breast removed, or chemo because the hair loss would also have made her feel less of a woman. She was crying. I was just sitting there thinking, can you fucking find a more appropriate person to vent this at, please?! I ended up saying, "well, I have young kids, so I have other things to focus on, I suppose." "Oh," she said, "My son's twenty so he can look after himself."

On paper, me and my 8cm tumour plus affected margins is as early stage as her presentation, when all she had were some non-invasive cells, swiftly removed, because in both cases, treatment has curative intent. And people don't understand that. They very understandably hear 'early stage' and assume it's a small issue. As a doctor, obviously you know the variations within that descriptor, but I don't think most people do.

As the woman I met demonstrates, having cancer doesn't automatically make someone worthy of unlimited sympathy! For what it's worth, however ungrateful she was she is really, really lucky to have you. I heard some awful stories about single mothers having to cope alone. One with baby twins, and another with a child who had to be placed in foster care for a while as he had profound disabilities and she had no family able to step in. Your SIL, like me, is exceptionally lucky in having people rally round.

I appreciate all you did for her, even if she doesn't!

@Vulpine you'd need to ask Macmillan, but I think so?

I should say though - being classified as disabled doesn't actually get you a badge and a pony. It just means that if and as the disability affects you, you have a legal right to ask for reasonable adjustments. Cancer is automatic in giving you the right to that, but the adjustments have to be reasonable and the request based on a need. You can't rock up and demand something that you don't need, and you can't demand something that would place an unfair burden on others. It doesn't mean you get benefits, or a blue badge, or anything else. It simply means that if a situation arises where your disability impacts you, you can ask that people make reasonable small changes to reduce the inequality that impact represents.

If you have no long term effects, then as far as I can work out a guaranteed interview for a job is the sole perk. And even then, you might well be better off keeping your mouth shut, as the recurrence risk would tell against you with many employers, as would asking for special treatment. But I'm no expert, and you'd need to ask Macmillan's employment helpline for clarity there.

Cancer can also always come back. You are never 'cured' because cells can, and do, lie dormant for decades. The odds get lower and lower as the years pass, and you learn to just block it out (after all, we all block out our mortality on a day to day basis; cancer survivors are nothing rare there) but I met a woman at an Outpatients clinic who had secondary cancer, so it had spread to her bones and was no longer curable, more than 20 years after first diagnosis.

If she doesnt work & has two kids does she not qualify for tax credits etc?

@boots
I think owning property would disqualify the need for benefits surely

Having a house she rents out, would probably stop her from getting benefits, because she could sell it, and live off that money.

Well done for sticking to your guns and telling her that you won't be funding her or providing so much childcare from now on. She was being sneaky thinking she'd get your Dh on side with you out of the room.

both SIL and MIL really rely on DH. When I first met DH he was giving his mother almost a third of his salary and he wasn't living with her

So they are determined to re-instate this dynamic no matter how long it takes?
Any opportunity is an opportunity to emotionally blackmail your DH into financing their lifestyles.
MIL refusing to help out physically/financially - to force DH into stepping in.
They seem determined to get DH back under their control - by hook or by crook.

Owning property doesn't have any effect on disability benefits (PIP/DLA), they're not means tested. If the SiL is really too ill to work then she should apply. She has no idea whether she will get anything until she does. It doesn't take long to run her details through a benefits calculator, either.

She should be looking for a job. Yes, I get that it's hugely difficult, I've been there too, got the T-shirt, and was massively relieved when I was awarded the max amount of DLA. I was even more relieved when after five years it was converted into an indefinite award.

But, you know, there's that thing in another 30 years or so, called your pension. So many women seem to flatly refuse to think about it. Don't claim and get those NI credits even if a person doesn't find a job, then that person could be significantly worse off just when they need it most, than if they had done the sensible thing.

Well, I was referring to a pp's question about tax credits. I know Pip isn't means tested, I get it myself, but it doesn't sound like she'd qualify anyway.

Your sil is crazy
She should be teaching her kids to be humble by buying normal priced presents within her price range, technically she could buy two Normal presents, her ex will maybe get something, mil, you guys
And that’s a lovely Christmas
What on earth does she want? A Christmas on your level without doing the work to fund it or going through all that education? She gets to see her kids all the time which is really lucky. she should focus on the positive and shouldn’t try to teach her kids that materialistic things you cannot afford means more, she is setting them up for expectations she cannot meet! What a crazy woman!!!