Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think best man shouldn’t have to pay

78 replies

Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 08:36

We are friends with a couple who have said they are getting married abroad. DP is best man and childhood friends with groom. I met the bride through their friendship but we are good friends now.

Holiday would probably be £7-800 per person and we have two small DCs.

I understand for most guests it would probably be a case of if you can’t afford it/don’t want to pay, don’t come.

But for the best man, he has to go but it has been expected from the bride and groom that he pay.

I’m not sure I will go yet and take the DCs on our annual holiday yet.

At the time I thought ok, he has a couple of years to save etc. But then got thinking he’ll be paying quite a lot of money because they want him to be best man.

To be clear my DP isn’t even that keen to be best man. He is the grooms closest friend and probably the only friend who would pay to go to the wedding anyway.

Just interested what is the norm for wedding abroad. Who pays what?

OP posts:

mamaraah · 31/08/2019 08:38

Personally I wouldn't pay to go overseas to do somebody the favour of being the best man but I have been told it's tradition for brides maids to pay for their own dresses, I wouldn't agree with that either.

ElleDriver · 31/08/2019 08:39

I don't believe anyone should be out of pocket to attend a wedding. Regardless of whether he is best man or not he shouldn't be obliged to attend if they haven't offered to pay. Some people just don't have that amount of spare cash.

Having said that the bride and groom are going to struggle to pay for everyone to fly out and spend a week abroad. If it were me I'd probably offer to contribute to the cost of the wedding party but leave it as an open invite to other guests dependent on whether or not they can afford it.

It's a bloody minefield planning a wedding abroad!

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 31/08/2019 08:40

People usually pay for their own travel and accommodation. B&G would pay for suit hire or dresses, unless groom has specifically said he’s covering the room costs for best man?

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 31/08/2019 08:40

Did he know the wedding was abroad when he accepted the best man role?

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 31/08/2019 08:42

He needs to speak to his mate and explain he can’t afford to go. That’s the risk you run at an overseas wedding unfortunately - not having all the people you would want there.
I didn’t go to BFs hen abroad because of money and she was disappointed but understood

MotherTime3 · 31/08/2019 08:43

I would expect all guests to pay, even best man and bridesmaids, but I wouldn’t place any pressure on them to attend. This is why we avoided a wedding abroad. From these types of thread though, I see lots of people have different expectations/rules, so you will get a variety of replies. If the couple are absolutely loaded though, I would expect them to pay for all the guests.

BuffaloCauliflower · 31/08/2019 08:47

I’m still resentful of a wedding DP and I paid thousands to attend which we couldn’t afford, because he was best man and I was a bridesmaid. Couple were very much ‘we completely understand if people can’t afford to come’ but DP was never going to miss his best friends wedding so we didn’t really have a choice. Definitely no offer to pay any of our costs.

mindutopia · 31/08/2019 08:48

He needs to talk to his friend. My dh has been best man in a wedding abroad (he went alone as wedding was childfree - don’t get me started on childfree weddings abroad where people must think you can just store your children away in a cupboard for the week, but anyway...). There was never any indication that anything would be paid for but suit hire. If he couldn’t have afforded to do it, he would have declined.

If your dh can’t afford it, he may need to hand the baton to someone else. But I would have a frank conversation about it first so they know how he’s feeling.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/08/2019 08:52

I assume guests pay but I agree it’s a bit shit to be out of pocket for someone’s wedding- apparently this is now a social norm!
Anyway I’d just have him say given his existing commitments both financial and re: his annual leave dates he’s unable to go. Risk you take with a wedding abroad!

Happyspud · 31/08/2019 08:53

I’d expect all guests to pay and best man to consider what it entails before accepting the role or when they tell you it’s abroad, whichever is first. I think in life there are these moments and you can either make it work for you as best as possible (build family hol around it maybe) or dig your heels in and be a bitter, resentful moan about it. If you genuinely can’t afford it you need to say at the beginning, nobody would hold that against you (except people who are worth being friends with anyway). But stringing the couple along because you’re too weak to be straight in the beginning while bitching and moaning is not a good way to go.

Happyspud · 31/08/2019 08:54

Not worth!

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 08:54

I'd expect to pay for my own travel and accommodation. Outfits to be supplied by B&G. And I would probably be quietly miffed if there wasn't a lot of food and drinks laid on when I was there (especially given that this is generally cheaper overseas - depending where exactly the wedding is - at a cost of £700-£800 I'm guessing Europe?).

If your partner can't afford to go then obviously he has to decline. However, if their wedding is in Tenerife and you end up taking a family vacation to Lanzarote close to it, I think you should expect them to be a bit hurt.

If it's you're partner's best friend's wedding, surely he'd want to attend if he could?

caroloro · 31/08/2019 08:58

This is why I think weddings abroad are just rude and entitled.

Original poster

Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 09:00

He accepted the role just after they got engaged. At that point there was no talk of it being abroad.

Yeah I need to speak to DP about it. The groom is tight and now I’m thinking what if he expects DP to pay for his own suit hire etc.

OP posts:

Delatron · 31/08/2019 09:01

I think he needs to say that he can’t afford it as soon as possible. They definitely don’t need to pay for him and this isn’t the norm.

Overseas weddings are tricky but it’s a case of if you can’t afford it then decline, even if you have been offered a role in the wedding party.

I’ve always tried to combine overseas weddings with a family holiday then you don’t feel ‘out of pocket’. Not appropriate for every one though. Especially if they are child free.

GoneToTheDock · 31/08/2019 09:10

I understand for most guests it would probably be a case of if you can’t afford it/don’t want to pay, don’t come.

But for the best man, he has to go

No, it's the same as other guests it's an invitation not a (as per mumsnet phrasing) summons

Couple were very much ‘we completely understand if people can’t afford to come’ but DP was never going to miss his best friends wedding so we didn’t really have a choice.
Of course you had a choice

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 09:10

I’d expect your dp to pay for his accommodation and travel. I’d expect the groom to pay for suit hire and all necessary attire on the day.
I think you should be straight with the bride and groom and tell them whether he is going or not.
They can’t complain if he is honest with them.
We had a destination wedding, it was great. We paid for all our adult children and did not invite a best man and my adult dds were bridesmaids. I paid for their dresses etc.
When others inquired about coming we said fine, but We made it clear it was a small intimate wedding and it would be in x location and no fancy big do.
Lots of people asked if we would throw a party when we returned. We said no as we wanted a small intimate wedding.
2 of our friends who couldn’t make it took us out for lunch which was lovely.
Lots of other friends didn’t want to do that, they just expected us to throw a lavish party and pay for it. That was never going to happen.

DragonMamma · 31/08/2019 09:10

This is always the issue with destination weddings. They really piss me off.

My SIL is getting married in Europe next year, over a notoriously expensive bank holiday. The holiday will cost us around £3k and a week of annual leave (we have 2 DC also). The stag do is also abroad, costing around £800pp.

We just aren’t going - it’s a complete pisstake. We haven’t told them yet because we know they will kick off but we can’t magic £5k out of nowhere.

To add insult to injury, the wedding is in the arse end of nowhere and you have to travel to a specific place to get collected on a coach and make the same journey back afterwards.

YANBU Op - people seem to like weddings abroad because they are cheaper for them. When in fact, they are infinitely more expensive, they just push the cost on to their family and friends

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 09:14

I also had 2 hen dos. One my dd1 arranged which was fab. The other my friend asked if she could organise so I said ok. The only stipulation I had was that it was low key, inexpensive and accessible for everyone.

My dh has to organise a get together in the local pub as non of his mates organised anything for him. These were all the mates who kept asking if we would throw a big party for them on our return. They also tried to organise fit us to host a bbq at our own home. I said no.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 09:18

Just decline. It’s no big deal. We didn’t ask or expect a best man to come to ours.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 09:19

emilybrontescorsett - you sound quite hostile towards your friends?

I'm not really surprised that nobody arranged a stag do for your husband, if friends had enquired about celebrating with you and been given short shrift!

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 09:27

Not really.
We had the wedding we wanted.
A very low key intimate wedding.
In all fairness we considered going away alone and marrying but our immediate family really, really wanted to come.
We did not put pressure on anyone else to attend.
If dh friends had said please can we come , we will sort our own stuff out and pay for it then yes we would have said that’s fine.
I had 2 great hen dos, both arranged by other people.
My dh was upset that not one of his friends who’d made such a fuss about us not throwing a party for them, didn’t bother to arrange anything for him. He had to do it himself and it bothered him.
We told people that we did not want a traditional wedding celebration here. Neither of us wanted that.
It’s just a lot of people were up for coming to a free party yet if they wanted a party they could have organised one with dh as his stag do.
That’s what I said to my friends that my hen do was the party. Our wedding was a very intimate affair and it was exactly what we wanted.
No hard feelings at all.

BizzzzyBee · 31/08/2019 09:30

But for the best man, he has to go
Why? He can decline just like anyone else. Sounds like he agreed before he knew it was abroad, in which case it’s absolutely fine to say you can’t afford it and drop out.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 09:30

It’s just a lot of people were up for coming to a free party yet if they wanted a party they could have organised one with dh as his stag do.

You seem hung up on the idea that your friends are desperate for you to foot the bill for a party? Are they that desperate for a crap buffet? Isn't it possible they just wanted to celebrate your wedding with you?

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 09:30

Oh and we paid far more than if we had stayed here because we paid for all food and drinks etc for everyone whilst they were on holiday.
It’s what we wanted and that’s the thing with weddings.
I’m sure the bride and groom in the ops situation will understand but be honest with them and give them enough time to make alternative arrangements if the ops dh can’t go.

Flip

1 2 3 4