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Original poster

To think best man shouldn’t have to pay

78 replies

Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 08:36

We are friends with a couple who have said they are getting married abroad. DP is best man and childhood friends with groom. I met the bride through their friendship but we are good friends now.

Holiday would probably be £7-800 per person and we have two small DCs.

I understand for most guests it would probably be a case of if you can’t afford it/don’t want to pay, don’t come.

But for the best man, he has to go but it has been expected from the bride and groom that he pay.

I’m not sure I will go yet and take the DCs on our annual holiday yet.

At the time I thought ok, he has a couple of years to save etc. But then got thinking he’ll be paying quite a lot of money because they want him to be best man.

To be clear my DP isn’t even that keen to be best man. He is the grooms closest friend and probably the only friend who would pay to go to the wedding anyway.

Just interested what is the norm for wedding abroad. Who pays what?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/08/2019 09:34

Apart from a gift, it shouldn’t cost people to attend a wedding.

If part of the wedding party, then all costs should be covered by the couple. You don’t ask someone to take a role and then charge them for it.

We covered all costs including the hen/stag party and kept everything local for convenience to those attending.

EllesBells123 · 31/08/2019 09:35

He can decline. Even if you've had a bit of notice that it's abroad it is is not unreasonable to say "I'm really sorry but having considered the costs we just aren't going to be able to make it". If you opt to get married abroad and aren't willing to foot the travel bill for your guests, you can't get funny about people not attending.

I would put my money on them expecting him to pay for his suit if they've not even mentioned contributing to his travel costs so I'd just assume you've got those costs yet to come.

Delatron · 31/08/2019 09:37

Emily Maybe as friends weren’t invited to a wedding as such then they saw no reason to arrange a stag do? Stag do is traditionally the night before the wedding. I know it’s evolved but that’s probably the reason.

Beautiful3 · 31/08/2019 09:42

We spent a couple of thousand attending a wedding abroad. Looking back, we were young and stupid really. We were too scared to say "no, we can't afford this". Our savings were for the house, not to spend on someone else's wedding! 6 years later I grew older, wiser and more assertive. My brother asked me to organise his wedding in Italy, interpret and be bridesmaid. They would pay for the flight only. I had to sort out the dress, hair, 7 night accommodation also I would be eating alone for the other 6 nights. I had a small child (1.5) that would be left behind and my husband would be using up 7 days al to look after her. I just nipped it in the bud straight away. I said no thanks. He looked so shocked, "but you have to?!" he said!!! I replied that i don't have that kind of money to spend on other people's weddings. Even if i do have savings that's only for my family to enjoy. 7 days is a lot to ask someone when a 1 day wedding would suffice. I honestly would encourage your husband to tell him now that he can't afford to attend a wedding abroad because he has a family now. Otherwise you'll both resent the wasted money. The suits, shoes,fights accommodation and spending money. It all adds up.

itsmecathycomehome · 31/08/2019 10:17

"My dh was upset that not one of his friends who’d made such a fuss about us not throwing a party for them, didn’t bother to arrange anything for him. He had to do it himself and it bothered him."

So you didn't invite them to the wedding, didn't organise a party on your return, turned down their request for you to even host a barbecue...but expected them to plan a stag do, and your dh was hurt when they didn't?

I wonder if he was as hurt as they were that he couldn't even be arsed to host a barbecue? And I'm not surprised they didn't feel like organising/forking out for a celebration tbh.

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2019 10:23

"To be clear my DP isn’t even that keen to be best man."

Then he should have turned it down as soon as he was asked.

How close now is it to the Wedding?

When an invitation like this comes in, you need to do the maths and decide if you can go, as soon as possible. Unless there is shock redundancy etc in between, you don't leave it late in the day to back out.

Delatron · 31/08/2019 10:26

Yes when is the wedding? That’s crucial and when did you find out it was abroad? If they only told you recently then fine to back out.
If you’ve known for months then not so much..

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 31/08/2019 10:27

If he can afford it and wants to go then great. If not then I think it's fair enough to make his excuses and say he can't do it. People who have weddings abroad need to be aware that some people can't/won't make the journeys and it would be unfair to hold this against them.

Should the bride and groom offer to pay for him? Not really, but if they want him there maybe they will offer to pay half or something of the sort.

Original poster
Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 10:47

Wedding is in 2021. Got told yesterday week it was abroad.

DP is fine to pay the cost of flights hotel as it is one of his good friends. Not sure if we’ll go as a family as it’s just too expensive.

I just asked DP if he thought he’d have to pay for suit hire etc and he said yes.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 31/08/2019 10:54

I suspect it will end up costing him a lot more than that-once you count in hotel, flights, transfers, food, drink, suit hire, stag night, treating the groom etc and shedloads more if you and the kids go.

As long as you are happy with that (because once you’ve agreed to go, you just have to pay it), then go for it.

I’d personally refuse to go at that price.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/08/2019 10:55

I think if you have a role in the wedding party, your expenses should be paid. If you’re just a regular guest, you can simply decline - it’s a risk people take with destination weddings.

(Yes, I know a potential best man or bridesmaid can also decline, but there’s more of a guilt factor there.)

shithappens123 · 31/08/2019 10:58

OP are you close to the bride? Maybe you could have a discreet chat with her

shithappens123 · 31/08/2019 10:59

And which country is the wedding to be held?

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 11:13

Delayeon I’ve gone on hen dos when I haven’t been invited to the wedding.
I know plenty of people who won’t attend a hen do but go to the wedding.
I would have loved to go to my friends wedding but it was a destination wedding abroad and for immediate family ( their adult dcs) only.
It’s not up to anyone else to dictate someone’s wedding.
Im of the opinion go or don’t go,
It’s that simple.
I’ve never come across all this angst at any wedding I’ve been to.

doginthemanger · 31/08/2019 11:24

I agree with StillCoughingandLaughing.

It's ridiculous to ask someone to be best man then expect him to shell out for flights for a wedding abroad.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/08/2019 11:27

Op- perhaps they won't wear suits as such. It .might be more casual.

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/08/2019 12:00

IMO, if you have a destination wedding then don’t be surprised if family and friends don’t want to lay out a whole load of money and annual leave to attend. The only way I would ever consider going would be if it was somewhere I really wanted to visit and I could build a holiday around it.

Drum2018 · 31/08/2019 12:20

Tell them now that it's unlikely you will be able to go as you simply cannot afford it. It will give them time to ask another best man or offer to pay dp's travel/accommodation costs. At least then you'll know where you stand. I wouldn't be happy for Dh to spend money on getting to the wedding, suit hire etc, if it meant myself and kids were left behind with no chance of a holiday. Different if the b&g pay for him to be there.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 12:26

I'd expect th bst man to pay. If he can't afford it, then he should explain that and drop out.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 12:35

but DP was never going to miss his best friends wedding so we didn’t really have a choice

But not missing his best friends wedding was his choice Confused.

OP I think it’s fairly simple. If he can’t afford it/doesn’t want to pay, then he politely declines.

Confrontayshunme · 31/08/2019 13:27

DH and I got married abroad (long haul flight) because that is where my family live. We decided to invite my family and keep it very small. We used the money his parents gave us to pay for our very closest friends (all young and broke) to fly to wedding (they paid for accommodation and meals). That said, unless they have family there, they should expect to have people not come. Amazingly, of the 9 people we invited without offering to pay, all loved us so much that they paid. His parents paid for immediate family, and his godparents all paid and made a holiday of it. We also had a big bbq and drinks when we got back that everyone could come to, and that was heaving with extraneous people and really casual and fun.

EscapeTheOrdinary · 31/08/2019 13:59

If you can’t justify him going say no. We got married abroad and fully expected people not to attend but the best man said from day 1 he was coming, asked to be part of a group booking so we paid his deposit to get him in on the discount and then he stopped answering calls and texts etc. I found out from the travel agent he wasn’t coming. Just because your asked to be best man doesn’t mean he has to go if he cannot justify it. I would have been fine as would my husband if his best man said he couldn’t come but instead he strung us along and almost cost us a fortune in a holiday space he never intended to fulfill

EscapeTheOrdinary · 31/08/2019 14:00

Just a side note we paid for suit hire etc and made it very very clear to everyone we didn’t expect anyone to come and understood if people said no

shithappens123 · 31/08/2019 16:27

My cousins wedding was in Italy, it was very expensive but beautiful

BackforGood · 31/08/2019 16:42

As you have just had the news broken to you that it is abroad and he will be expected to go for a week, I think now is the time for your dp to tell the groom that, sorry, you family situation means you can't justify spending either the money or the annual leave on the family going abroad for this wedding, so, now you know it is going to be a 'destination wedding' them your dp can offer to step down from the role quite justifiably. It will give the groom plenty of time to choose to either ask someone else, or to come back with "we don't expect you to pay for our wedding plans, mate, we are covering your flights and hotel room, suits, etc - would you be able to cover food and drinks whilst you are there?" type offer.