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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think best man shouldn’t have to pay

78 replies

Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 08:36

We are friends with a couple who have said they are getting married abroad. DP is best man and childhood friends with groom. I met the bride through their friendship but we are good friends now.

Holiday would probably be £7-800 per person and we have two small DCs.

I understand for most guests it would probably be a case of if you can’t afford it/don’t want to pay, don’t come.

But for the best man, he has to go but it has been expected from the bride and groom that he pay.

I’m not sure I will go yet and take the DCs on our annual holiday yet.

At the time I thought ok, he has a couple of years to save etc. But then got thinking he’ll be paying quite a lot of money because they want him to be best man.

To be clear my DP isn’t even that keen to be best man. He is the grooms closest friend and probably the only friend who would pay to go to the wedding anyway.

Just interested what is the norm for wedding abroad. Who pays what?

OP posts:
HeffaLump1 · 31/08/2019 16:58

I wonder when the switch came from "Our wedding, our choices, we fund it" to "Our wedding, our choices and you fund it" Probably a slow slide into entitlement. Sad really

mumto2teenagers · 31/08/2019 17:17

I think it's expected for guests to pay travel costs, including the best man.

FenellaVelour · 31/08/2019 17:25

Whatever you do, don’t do what my poor husband’s two “best” men did, and tell us a week before the wedding that neither of them were coming.

(Ours wasn’t a destination wedding either, we live in England now and they are both in Scotland so it obviously involved some travelling, but that was clear from the start when they accepted the role. We would’ve been happy to help them out too, had they asked).

Needless to say my husband no longer has anything to do with either of them.

shithappens123 · 31/08/2019 17:34

What are you going to do OP?

Original poster
Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 18:52

I don’t know. We plan to ttc next year so we may have a young baby/heavily pregnant.

In that case I think we will rule out going and still be able to give them plenty of notice.

DP probably won’t book anything until we know our due date.

We wont plan ttc around their wedding so what happens, happens.

OP posts:
Lochroy · 31/08/2019 18:58

Wow. £7-£8k pp is some destination, it's not exactly and EasyJet flight to Europe is it!

That said, you seem quite happy about it, and the cost of the suit hire will be small fry in the grand scheme.

But I'd say it's more normal for the B&G to pay for the suit hire, and given that you need to budget, I think it's perfectly fine (and sensible) for DH to have a chat now asking for all the details so you can budget accordingly.

icanthelpyou · 31/08/2019 18:58

My dp's best man didn't bother coming to our wedding. Yes don't wait if you've no intention of attending.

Dangermouse37 · 31/08/2019 20:10

Be aware that as a couple the figure of £7-800 will be much higher if he travels without you and has no one to share with. He will have to pay a single supplement on the room so it will then likely become £1000+

Cryalot2 · 31/08/2019 20:28

I think that everyone pays their own costs for weddings abroad. Unless sometimes there are a lot and they get discount, which does not seem to be the case here.

BackforGood · 31/08/2019 21:37

I think it is best to tell them now, not leave it a year. Now is the time they have let him know what the plan is, so if he isn't going to do it, then now is the time to say so.

Each2TheirOwn · 31/08/2019 21:48

DH and I got married abroad. All guests (including the wedding party) paid for their own flights and accommodation. We bought their whole outfit, including shoes and bought them a gift (a watch) as a thank you. Obviously all food and drinks were covered by us.

However, no-one HAD to come and if DHs best men had said they couldn't/didn't want to then that would have been fine.

When deciding to get married abroad the B&G are risking their preferred people not being there, they will probably understand if he decides not to go (for whatever reason). Being asked to be part of a wedding is a request, not an obligation.

Original poster
Underworld345 · 31/08/2019 22:26

Yeah I’ve just looked at the holiday price all inclusive for 5 days. Approx. £1000pp. £600pp for 2 nights. Might have to have a more serious chat to DP about this.

It seems like a lot of money to fork out to be able to attend someone’s wedding.

Not sure how the groom would take it. I know it’s unreasonable to expect DP to go but I wouldn’t put it past him to be annoyed. Can’t pin point exactly why I feel like that but think he’d be annoyed. He specifically said “oh you’ll have loads of time to save up”. And yes, over 2 years we could save the money up but it’s the overall cost which just seems ott. Would much rather that money went on a home improvement.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 31/08/2019 22:30

You do have a point, when I was a bridesmaid for Dsis it cost a fortune to attend.
They paid for their parents travel and accommodation we all paid our own.

icedgem85 · 31/08/2019 22:33

What? I was a bridesmaid for a friend who married abroad, I didn't think for a second she'd pay for me to come. She bought my dress and shoes, which I was very grateful for.

BackforGood · 31/08/2019 22:38

Yes, some people trot out the "You'll have time to save up" argument as if that makes a difference as to whether you can afford, or even justify spending something, looking at what else is going on in your life at the time.

I used to get is at work when they wanted £80 for a Christmas Event I wasn't even keen on going on..... "You can pay £5 a week". Duh.... it is still a heck of a lot of money to spend on one night out, for one person, when you are on a budget and it isn't a 'special' night for you, however many installments you ask for. Same with this, it isn't that you couldn't save tha amunt of money by 2021, it is that, over the next 2 years you are hoping to have a baby, and that money would be better used (for your life at the moment) covering maternity leave or helping towards childcare once you are back at work, or buying cot / pram / etc.

Not sure why people find that difficult to grasp.
No-one else's wedding is as big a life event as it is for the couple. Guests have other things going on in their lives which the B&G might not even know about, and other guests choices of how they want to manage thir family budget is really no business of the B&G's.

'How the groom will take it' isn't really your problem. If he is a true friend to your dp, then he should care as much about you and your dp, as your dp cares about him, and be a bit sad, but completely understand that is what happens when you choose to fly off for a destination wedding.

Wearywithteens · 31/08/2019 22:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

fedup21 · 01/09/2019 08:54

He specifically said “oh you’ll have loads of time to save up

I wouldn’t do it, based on that comment alone!

Delatron · 01/09/2019 09:00

I don’t think you should wait until you are pregnant to tell them DH is not going, you don’t know how long that will take. Telling them next year would be bad form, sorry. Do they still think you’re coming too?

They have only just announced it is abroad, now is the time to tell them (if indeed your DH isn’t going to go).

FairyDust92 · 01/09/2019 09:07

The best man would usually pay to get himself there imo. Can he not go on his own to save money?

GoodbyeRosie · 01/09/2019 09:23

If you were all going it could be classed as the family holiday

Going on his own is a waste of £1'000 +, and if annual leave.

If you are unsure if you can afford it, then you shouldn't agree to it and say now so the groom can ask someone else.

Destination weddings have akways been a way to have the guest list pick it self , and for minimum interference from outsiders.

Risk is not having the people you want there .

MaggieFS · 01/09/2019 10:22

I think the best man would normally pay his own travel and accom, as would other guests but there should be absolutely no compulsion to attend. A good friend would appreciate this and not put pressure on. That's so much money!

Perunatop · 01/09/2019 10:25

I would ask your DP to opt out of being best man now, and prioritise his own family and holidays (with you and DC). If people choose to get married abroad it is inevitable that costs will prevent many from attending.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/09/2019 10:38

He doesnt have to be best man though. Surely they told him it was abroad when he agreed...and if they didn't he could have declined when they told him what it would involve. Realistically they cant pay for a best man but not family etc

Disclaimer we got married abroad but paid half of our siblings flights, it was a place parents regularly travel to, and we said anyone else was welcome if they fancied a holiday but there was no pressure to attend wed be fine with just us. No friends with kids came, and we wouldn't have expected them to as it was long haul. We wouldn't have been bothered if no best man or bridesmaids

Alsohuman · 01/09/2019 10:48

If you went for two nights, why would you need AI? Two nights b&b and cheap flights should do it

Hopoindown31 · 01/09/2019 10:55

If you can't afford it and/or don't want to make it into your family holiday then he will have to drop out. Best to make that decision quickly and drop out now asap after the announcement that it will be abroad.

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