I don't want to go to counselling with my partner and his kids!

[Hooty43]

Am I being unreasonable? Just over 2 years ago my partner and I bought a house together. We had been together for 3 years prior to this and have two children each. I have two boys now aged 7 and 8 and my partner a girl now 16 and a boy now 18. We did a lot if things right before and when we moved in together and a fair few things wrong too. I sold my home and sank everything I had into our new home, my partner (after a ruthless divorce) had less to invest. I moved away from my area to his, to cause less disruption to his kids who were at senior school and doing exams. My kids moved school (to a better one) but its far to say endured more disruption overall. We planned our weeks with our exes so that we all had time together, some time as a couple and separate days when only our respective kids were home. Giving everyone space. We prioritised my partners kids rooms and decorated them first as he had been living in a small flat and they needed everything. In fact to give some perspective he had to sleep on the sofa when he had his kids to stay, so they went from that environment to having their own rooms, a garden and a great house. I guess we thought at their age they would struggle more with the new family set up and tried to make their transition gentle.
My two loved it. They adored their step brother and sister, liked the new school and settled really quickly. I guess we thought we'd tried to please everyone. However my partners daughter was unhappy, miserably so. Hated us all, didn't want us all to live together and did some pretty horrendous things making the atmosphere in the house toxic when she was there. Nothing we tried to do helped her and her behaviour spiralled downwards. I struggle to understand why she is so unhappy and she just says she wants to go back to the flat with her dad. We tried makibg sure she had plenty of one on one time with her dad but she just shut him out. She didn't show anyone any respect, was rude, did some pretty disgusting dirty protests, was foul mouthed and totally cut her dad out. Until after 2 years of trying to cope with it my partner and I blew our top after a particularly colourful outburst from her and she left and went to live with her mum (3 roads away). This was 4 months ago. She's been seeing her dad regularly but refuses to come to our home or be anywhere I am or my boys are. This has been a reoccurring theme, she doesn't consider us to be a part of her family and has put pressure on her whole extended family to exclude us, behaving outrageously if she doesn't get her way. Since she moved out things have been both difficult and a relief if I'm honest. My poor partner is in bits and I am trying to support him, but the atmosphere in our home (and it feels like our home now) is lighter and more relaxed. My partners son still spends time with us and stays and my boys, although upset that their step sister isn't at home, seem more relaxed. Now over the last couple of weeks both my partners kids want us to go to family counselling. About 18 months ago I went to counselling alone to try to understand why DSD was so unhappy and destructive and why I let her make me feel helpless. I didn't find it terribly useful, although a few coping strategies for stress were helpful. The thought of my partner, his kids and I doing counselling fills me with total anxiety and dread. I can't stop running scenarios through my head, I can't sleep. I want to support my partner, but his daughter is still adamant that my boys and I aren't her family and refusing to include us or attend any family event we are at, so I can't see what she hopes counselling will achieve. I suspect its another forum for her to vent and knock her dad again. I am being unsupportive and unreasonable? Do i have to attend or can i detatch myself.
I just want to concentrate on my boys, who I feel have really taken a back seat (along with their step brother) to her terrible behaviour and attention seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice, suggestions gratefully received. I'm at the end of my rope to be honest.

I’d go. After one session you’ll get a feel for the intention.

I would do one session. If she’s as awful as you say the counsellor will immediately be reigning her in a bit, there will be no swearing, shouting etc. She will not be allowed to go after you or anyone in particular and she will be forced to examine why she feels the way she does. Sounds like she deffo needs some kind of counselling

You may want to get MNHQ to edit your post, you've accidentally named your SD.

If both of your DH's DCs want to go to counselling, then I would go more so for the SS who seems to have been more reasonable. She is obviously very troubled and you may find that counselling helps her and the rest of the family.

I would attend a session. Nothing to lose really. Just attend one session and take it from there.

You have named her, OP - you need to edit that out.

Have you used her real name?

If you want to continue the relationship, go. If she wants to do counselling that’s a great start, wouldn’t it be wonderful to actually sort this out and be happy? This is how you start

I'd go to 1 session just to see how it goes. Also OP, you have used your step-daughters name. You might want to alert MNHQ.

I think it's really unusual in a good way for children to ask for talking therapy.
It might help them to feel they have support when saying things that feel daunting for them.

I’d go. Keep the moral high ground. If you’re there, you can also monitor what they’re saying about you!
If the daughter kicks off, the therapist will deal with it. You can simply state the facts - dirty protests, moving out, etc - without getting emotional, and let the situation speak for itself.
It can be hugely helpful for the daughter to listen to a neutral professional assessing the family dynamics.
I suspect the girl had cherished a hope that her parents would get back together. You and her dad moving in together has dashed that completely, resulting in her lashing out, trying to get dad back to the flat, then giving up and moving out in a temper.
It may be good to let her express all this in a controlled environment at a counselling session. The therapist should help her to come to terms with the current situation, which would benefit all of you. Good luck!

I don’t know why anyone would disrupt their own kids lives for someone else.
Then you decorated partners kids rooms before your own.
I fee sorry for your kids and hope you protected your money.

Therapy could be really useful for you all

And no I wouldn’t go to counselling nor would I allow my kids to feel second best to anyone else.
If your partners daughter doesn’t allow family to invite you to any events then your kids will feel that way.

I feel for you so badly OP.I had similar and my relationship couldnt survive it.Not saying yours wont but the pressure was too great for me.I think you have done all you can.It is time to step back and let the daughter grow up a little .Keep the door open and let her know she is welcome anytime then you must let go a little and present a united front ,That you and the boys are all as equally important and have to be treated respectfully.Your husband needs to address this more than you do.He needs to say he loves her very much but this behaviour cannot continue.She does seem to be lashing out and it would be interesting to see how much is typical hormonal teenage angst or something more deep rooted..therapy can be useful to address that.However life is not all about her.You all need to live and function inside a warm friendly happy loving safe enviroment and it really is up to her if she chooses to be a part of that or not.I hope you manage to find a way through..sadly my partner and I couldnt and whilst resentful and hurt at that fact no one won,She didnt and by god she tried every trick in the book but in the end she devastated her father and although she got me out of the picture she lost far more...I wish you well.You need to give her space away and to want to come back if she doesnt you all have to live.Its so heartbreakingly hard I am sorry you are going through this ....best wishes sent.

I think you need to go. Any decent counsellor will not let her use it as a forum to attack you and dominate proceedings. Plus hopefully make her think about her own behaviour. For a 16 year old to do a dirty protest isn’t normal, it’s way beyond shouting, temper tantrums etc. Being brutal but with such dreadful behaviour it’s probably for the best that she’s moved out for a bit. She’s clearly not considering anyone else. I assume / hope she was cleaning up the dirty protests?

Just to add one thing - if she asks for it and you refuse, then she'll be able to paint you as the bad guy. Asking for counselling is a reasonable request. I'd do one session to start with.

@7yo7yo l agree no one should be made to feel 2nd best. As part of this counselling then l would make clear then everyone should be given equal billing

@ShinyMe exactly

I would go, and definitely to more than one session. (First sessions are more about setting things out and getting comfortable before the real work starts) It sounds to me like your step daughter (please get her name removed from your post) has serious issues that she needs to discuss and any counsellor worth their salt should be able to help you all to talk through it with support, in a safe space, and with an independent reality checker presiding. If everything else is working well, what've you got to lose? You've got more to lose if you don't at least show willing, go, and find out what's going on, as I would think that it's likely to cause resentment along the line.

OP have you used her name in your post? Ask MNHQ to change it.

And I would try counselling. For the sake of your partner and his daughter.

If your SS is as reasonable and pleasant as you indicate he is then go to *one" session to help ensure he maintains a good relationship with you and your 2 children. Remember at 18 he can move out and decide not to have contact with your children, which would be upsetting for them.

Don't be afraid to state you are there because of your SS and if your SD kicks off, state you aren't going to anymore sessions as it is clear it won't achieve anything.

It is apparent your SD is unhappy that she is not the number one female in her dad's life. There is nothing you can do about this but you can show your support for your SS.

I think I would try one session and then review. Things are pretty dire, doesn’t sound like they can get much worse.

Has her brother also asked for the counselling? I would try a session but ask for the aim of the counselling to be discussed in that.

This is a horrible age for teenage step daughters, it's all confusing they really struggle, also difficult for parents, and steps esp if you're getting all the flack. I think it's positive she wants you to go to counselling, you may find ways to communicate or just tolerate each other till she grows up and goes off to university or whatever. The laying down the law approach does not work. I would go to listen without any expectation, be prepared to back off and wait. They will all grow up and get more perspective in a few years.

I’d go to at least one session.
But bottom line: she’s right - you and your children are not her family.
I’m a stepmother, my child has a stepmother. I’m not against blended families. But she didn’t create this. Her father being with you, does not make your children her brothers.

She went from a family set up she liked, to one she didn’t, with zero control over it.

Yes, there may be an issue as a PP suffered about being the only female - but I don’t think it has to be that complex. She allowed to simply not like a bunch of ransoms being foisted on her.

I have a stepdaughter a few years older. We delayed living together until she moved out, because although we get in just fine, she obviously doesn’t “like” me. Doesn’t hate me, is polite, is glad her widowed dad isn’t alone - but she definitely just tolerated me. The other stepdaughter likes me a lot - it’s just different personalities. The difference for us, is no-one made her live with me.