I don't want to go to counselling with my partner and his kids!

[Hooty43]

Am I being unreasonable? Just over 2 years ago my partner and I bought a house together. We had been together for 3 years prior to this and have two children each. I have two boys now aged 7 and 8 and my partner a girl now 16 and a boy now 18. We did a lot if things right before and when we moved in together and a fair few things wrong too. I sold my home and sank everything I had into our new home, my partner (after a ruthless divorce) had less to invest. I moved away from my area to his, to cause less disruption to his kids who were at senior school and doing exams. My kids moved school (to a better one) but its far to say endured more disruption overall. We planned our weeks with our exes so that we all had time together, some time as a couple and separate days when only our respective kids were home. Giving everyone space. We prioritised my partners kids rooms and decorated them first as he had been living in a small flat and they needed everything. In fact to give some perspective he had to sleep on the sofa when he had his kids to stay, so they went from that environment to having their own rooms, a garden and a great house. I guess we thought at their age they would struggle more with the new family set up and tried to make their transition gentle.
My two loved it. They adored their step brother and sister, liked the new school and settled really quickly. I guess we thought we'd tried to please everyone. However my partners daughter was unhappy, miserably so. Hated us all, didn't want us all to live together and did some pretty horrendous things making the atmosphere in the house toxic when she was there. Nothing we tried to do helped her and her behaviour spiralled downwards. I struggle to understand why she is so unhappy and she just says she wants to go back to the flat with her dad. We tried makibg sure she had plenty of one on one time with her dad but she just shut him out. She didn't show anyone any respect, was rude, did some pretty disgusting dirty protests, was foul mouthed and totally cut her dad out. Until after 2 years of trying to cope with it my partner and I blew our top after a particularly colourful outburst from her and she left and went to live with her mum (3 roads away). This was 4 months ago. She's been seeing her dad regularly but refuses to come to our home or be anywhere I am or my boys are. This has been a reoccurring theme, she doesn't consider us to be a part of her family and has put pressure on her whole extended family to exclude us, behaving outrageously if she doesn't get her way. Since she moved out things have been both difficult and a relief if I'm honest. My poor partner is in bits and I am trying to support him, but the atmosphere in our home (and it feels like our home now) is lighter and more relaxed. My partners son still spends time with us and stays and my boys, although upset that their step sister isn't at home, seem more relaxed. Now over the last couple of weeks both my partners kids want us to go to family counselling. About 18 months ago I went to counselling alone to try to understand why DSD was so unhappy and destructive and why I let her make me feel helpless. I didn't find it terribly useful, although a few coping strategies for stress were helpful. The thought of my partner, his kids and I doing counselling fills me with total anxiety and dread. I can't stop running scenarios through my head, I can't sleep. I want to support my partner, but his daughter is still adamant that my boys and I aren't her family and refusing to include us or attend any family event we are at, so I can't see what she hopes counselling will achieve. I suspect its another forum for her to vent and knock her dad again. I am being unsupportive and unreasonable? Do i have to attend or can i detatch myself.
I just want to concentrate on my boys, who I feel have really taken a back seat (along with their step brother) to her terrible behaviour and attention seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice, suggestions gratefully received. I'm at the end of my rope to be honest.

@Vulpine l think this has been the issue so far: the SD thinking her needs trump everyone else’s. I doubt she’s given other people much thought. All of the children should have equal billing and priority

Go. Even to just the first session. Otherwise she'll be able to make out (even if it's completely unfair to say when you know all the back story) that she's made a big effort and you "couldn't even be bothered to turn up."

Also, there's only so much you can do. Maybe she's hurting. Maybe it's warranted. Maybe everything has been done to walk on eggshells around her, and she's sadly just a bit of a brat. You can't win all the time.

You really should go though. I think it's quite a big step on her part to have initiated this, which suggests maybe she is growing up a bit and wants to move forward, but doesn't know how to without a bit of help. That's a big positive compared to how she has behaved up to this point.

Also, don't lose sight of the fact she's 16. If anyone's an arse, it's a teenager. She's also less than two years from being an adult, which doesn't mean she's no longer part of the family, bit does mean that she doesn't need pandering to or over accommodating as a child within your home. She'll be an adult, in charge of her own decisions, and neither of you have the obligation of making decisions on her behalf as a minor, which might make things a bit easier. She can arrange her own visitation. Or not. It's not your responsibility how an adult wants to behave.

Sorry you're going through this. You never know, the counseling might be the start of something great for all of you

Would you go if it was your child struggling? You have tried to create a blended family, you can't pick and choose when you see her as family and when you dont

I think this is a very fair and pertinent point.

I can imagine that you feel on the back foot here, as a result of all the behaviours you've had to face, but, this is primarily for her df to manage and you to show willing, whilst holding firm to boundaries about appropriate ways of expressing anger.

His dd, and he, should be the lead in this this, even though she is focussing on you.

I'd suggest that DH and his 2 DC go to the first session(s) with a view to you and maybe your DC joining in if/when the counsellor suggests it is the right time.

Reframe this - you're going along to support your partner. It's not all about her!

I would agree to go for at least six sessions and then re-evaluate. It may be that you are not the problem and you may actually be advised to step back. You may get some incredibly valuable insights. It may be awful to start with and then bear fruit.
You really won't know until you go.

Family counsellors are skilled at breaking down the 'one vs the other, it's all X's fault, I am the victim of everything ever' dynamic that is incredibly common in all families, not just blended ones!

Wow! Thank you all for your time and great advice. Lots to think about here, it's my first time ever asking a forum for help and it felt great to get so many responses and help. Thank you all so much.

I think you need to go. If one of your children was struggling to adjust to being in a blended family and acting out, and your DP refused to go to counselling, how would you feel?

I also think you need to go so that your DSD can't say you're not trying1

Those saying go to one session have clearly never been to any counselling. The first session is usually awful but subsequent sessions are usually better.

You need to commit to a few sessions.

I think she has behaved appallingly, but if she is the one seeking out the counselling then I would definitely go. Whether she is expecting it to all of her way and just be a bashing session for your DP, if the councillor has any luck it will NOT all go her way and basically be the only chance you have of integrating her into the family in a more positive way. If you go to one session and she's not budging at all, at least you and your partner will know you gave her the chance.

But beyond the counselling, I do think you're well within your rights to focus on your boys, who it sounds like have graciously accepted your partner's kids being prioritised at every turn just to have her act appallingly about it. I would not give her the power of continuing to put her before everyone else in the family, because she has not earned that in the slightest.

The first session (or the first few) will just be ‘setting the scene’, getting the background, identifying the issues.
It could really help all of you to communicate and make things better. If you want a relationship with your DP, he comes as a package with his kids. I think you need to go if you want to be part of a blended family.

It’s brilliant that she’s asked for therapy. Totally brilliant. It shows a willingness to engage and change. If she didn’t want to make things better, there would be no point.

I’d go. It’s possible that she see this as a way out of behaviour that she knows is cruel but can’t seem to stop. Counselling might provide an outsider who can give her permission to change. Anyway, by the sounds of it, I don’t think counselling could really make anything worse than it is.

Why on earth don't you want to go to counselling? If you want to live together as a family, there are some things you need to deal with as a family, and this is one of them.

there's a book called siblings without rivalry that might have strategies you find helpful. and not just for between children but vs you too.

Thank you, apologies

I've had a chance today to talk properly with my partner about this and I've agreed to go to the first session to support him and see if there is any hope of any change or way forward. My partner is sadly also of the opinion that this will not happen and that his daughter is not ooen to change or comprimise. Although my post was like war and peace it was seriously abridged. Lots of people picked up on a few points that I probably haven't explained very well, so to put minds at rest, we have in place legal financial safeguards due to uneven investment when we bought our home :-). My kids are incredibly happy, love our home and the area we live in and are totally amazing, understanding boys. They are spoilt rotten, I was just trying to demonstrate a few of the lengths we have gone to to try to build a home that makes my partners children feel secure and happy with as little disruption to their life as possible. I am overwhelmed with all your posts and so grateful. Thank you all.

The first (two or three) session(s) of counselling is usually just about the counsellor understanding exactly what the problem is. Especially in systemic or family therapy, where there are several different people in the room, all with different experiences and perceptions of the years of shared history that they have. Don't expect miracles from the first session.

Well done, good luck. Keep an open mind, it may help. If not time will if you are lucky.

Honestly only going to one session could actually be counterproductive. You need to go to more than that otherwise it's pointless.

The first session is where you get out all the grievances and rebuild from there. If that's all you get then things will not get better.

Teen girls can be tricky. She was a child - prob irrationally felt you replaced her as the top female in his life. I would go. No harm. Might do good.

What stood out for me was how much you explain how many allowances were made for your partners children...but you can't put responsibility for the decisions you and partner made relating to them as children e.g, who moved, room decoration etc. You might feel that enough allowances have been made but you and partner made those decisions and they're not to do with her; I wonder if there's a hint that you want her to be a bit grateful? However much you were doing them for her they still weren't chosen by her and unfortunately you can't decide how she feels about the whole situation, only that you're happy you did what you could at the time. Decent counseling is probably going to be pretty useful for tricky blended dynamics, e.g you coming to terms with feeling angry/resentful of past behaviour etc (totally normal reactions and where it would also help to move past too for all of you). It will be on neutral ground and probably the best place for long standing issues to be resolved. It might be hard but so is the current situation? And you've a lot ahead of time ahead of you as a family where you will be together so why not attempt to turn it positive? This isn't my attempt to down play what you've been through with her and counseling (for you alone or as a group) might also help with that and your feelings about the whole situation. It's amazing what we keep in. Wishing you well.

Who is organising the counselling. Presume oh will pay. Don't get someone fresh off a basic course. Relate do family therapy. Cahms may advise.

Just my musings but there seems to be an expectation that step children should just go along with the choices of their parents.

Think about it from a different perspective, dad or mum gets a new partner and the kid genuinely doesn't like that new person. Not due to power trip or politics but genuinely just doesn't like them as a person, what are they to do? the consensus seems to be they have to be respectful and polite but essentially put up and shut up.

What if the parent were forced to live with someone they didn't like , would the same rules apply? probably not, they would leave or get rid of the person.

The bottom line being that because the kid is powerless they just have to accept and suppress their feelings for the sake of the adults happiness. Only some people are not very good at suppressing their feelings and in this case the girl is acting out.

I don't know what the answer is but I think there is an awful lot of expectation placed on kids to just slot into a blended family with no say or opinion on the situation. Seems like as long as the adults are happy then the kids are expected to be compliant. They feel like the kids should be grateful for a few gestures and can't understand why doing x,y or z doesn't make them instantly grateful and happy. Or perhaps a few of the kids are happy and they can't understand why the other one isn't.

Sometimes kids just don't like the new person that has been thrust into their life and who they have to sit opposite at the breakfast table everyday. Its just a reality.

I think going, and really committing to trying to make it work (obviously you can only control your own input) is the only thing that you can do. You have to be completely blameless or it will end up driving a wedge between you and your partner. You can't give her anything to hold against you. It's the only way she will ever realise, or be helped to understand by the counsellor perhaps, that the issue is hers.

I don't think you can do any better than going, listening, committing to the process and importantly keeping strong boundaries.

She needs to feel acknowledged in this, and supported, but also feel the limits, and learn healthier expression.

There's nothing wrong with her being angry/disappointed/upset etc but its learning to manage it and get her needs met.

Not only did she go through a divorce, but has had to move home, accommodate a step mum and her dc, and its seems from your post, play second to them?

I’m also picking up on the I/we did c, y and z for you so there can’t be any reason for you to be unhappy. You say you went to counselling to understand why she is not happy but given the opportunity to to counselling with her, you’re not so keen.

Do you want to know why she’s unhappy or do you think she doesn’t have the right to be?

Blending families is hard and as a kid you don’t have a choice. I’m sure you are very nice but there was a huge dynamic change when their father left their home (the flat) to move in to a house that she doesn’t feel is her home.

I’m not excusing her behaviour but she isn’t her brother or your sons and to expect her to feel the same as them isn’t very understanding of her as an individual.

Counselling is an opportunity which you don’t have to take but she will always be his daughter and she isn’t going anywhere. As others have said, you won’t learn much from just one session.