I don't want to go to counselling with my partner and his kids!

[Hooty43]

Am I being unreasonable? Just over 2 years ago my partner and I bought a house together. We had been together for 3 years prior to this and have two children each. I have two boys now aged 7 and 8 and my partner a girl now 16 and a boy now 18. We did a lot if things right before and when we moved in together and a fair few things wrong too. I sold my home and sank everything I had into our new home, my partner (after a ruthless divorce) had less to invest. I moved away from my area to his, to cause less disruption to his kids who were at senior school and doing exams. My kids moved school (to a better one) but its far to say endured more disruption overall. We planned our weeks with our exes so that we all had time together, some time as a couple and separate days when only our respective kids were home. Giving everyone space. We prioritised my partners kids rooms and decorated them first as he had been living in a small flat and they needed everything. In fact to give some perspective he had to sleep on the sofa when he had his kids to stay, so they went from that environment to having their own rooms, a garden and a great house. I guess we thought at their age they would struggle more with the new family set up and tried to make their transition gentle.
My two loved it. They adored their step brother and sister, liked the new school and settled really quickly. I guess we thought we'd tried to please everyone. However my partners daughter was unhappy, miserably so. Hated us all, didn't want us all to live together and did some pretty horrendous things making the atmosphere in the house toxic when she was there. Nothing we tried to do helped her and her behaviour spiralled downwards. I struggle to understand why she is so unhappy and she just says she wants to go back to the flat with her dad. We tried makibg sure she had plenty of one on one time with her dad but she just shut him out. She didn't show anyone any respect, was rude, did some pretty disgusting dirty protests, was foul mouthed and totally cut her dad out. Until after 2 years of trying to cope with it my partner and I blew our top after a particularly colourful outburst from her and she left and went to live with her mum (3 roads away). This was 4 months ago. She's been seeing her dad regularly but refuses to come to our home or be anywhere I am or my boys are. This has been a reoccurring theme, she doesn't consider us to be a part of her family and has put pressure on her whole extended family to exclude us, behaving outrageously if she doesn't get her way. Since she moved out things have been both difficult and a relief if I'm honest. My poor partner is in bits and I am trying to support him, but the atmosphere in our home (and it feels like our home now) is lighter and more relaxed. My partners son still spends time with us and stays and my boys, although upset that their step sister isn't at home, seem more relaxed. Now over the last couple of weeks both my partners kids want us to go to family counselling. About 18 months ago I went to counselling alone to try to understand why DSD was so unhappy and destructive and why I let her make me feel helpless. I didn't find it terribly useful, although a few coping strategies for stress were helpful. The thought of my partner, his kids and I doing counselling fills me with total anxiety and dread. I can't stop running scenarios through my head, I can't sleep. I want to support my partner, but his daughter is still adamant that my boys and I aren't her family and refusing to include us or attend any family event we are at, so I can't see what she hopes counselling will achieve. I suspect its another forum for her to vent and knock her dad again. I am being unsupportive and unreasonable? Do i have to attend or can i detatch myself.
I just want to concentrate on my boys, who I feel have really taken a back seat (along with their step brother) to her terrible behaviour and attention seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice, suggestions gratefully received. I'm at the end of my rope to be honest.

Her parents divorce was”ruthless”, her DM’s opinion of your DP will be low, it may be that she has a DM in her ear creating some of the drama, it also could be that she feels out of control of Major life decisions.

That said her behaviour has been awful, unhinged even. This needs sorting, attend sessions and try to show a positive attitude, she will be trying to read your expression/body language.

I was the SS in this situation and my older sibling made everyone’s life hell, I moved out as soon as possible, forgoing further and higher education, I became a massive people pleaser and needed counselling in my adult life to deal with insecurities.

I think you should go. It means you take the moral high ground and can see what she says.

I also think shes in for a bit of a reality check from the therapist so it may actually work.

Counselling is not for anyone to take the moral high ground. It is about removing blame, removing blocks in communication, understanding each other better, forgiveness, kindness, coming closer together, not further apart.

You should go. She’s part of the family and you are her stepmother. Going to counseling isn’t going to make your own children neglected or take away your attention for more than the hour it takes. It will probably be good for them if it helps the family dynamics.

My partner is sadly also of the opinion that this will not happen and that his daughter is not open to change or compromise.

Well, that's not an open-minded start, is it?

The daughter wants this but she's not open to change?

Maybe it's not all her fault?

I would go. They may suggest a combination of sessions too so she can work through her feelings on her own. It would be beneficial for the counselling to include all of you so they can see the dynamics, she won’t be allowed to just insult you and it might do her good to get the perspective of a third party. What do you have to loose?

I am saddened by her dfs response to this.

You might both be very weary (and wary) as a result of all thats happened, but this is truly a breakthrough.

I am very concerned that you are both so negative towards this opportunity, thats shes providing for the family to resolve issues.

How else was anything going to change.

Going by your OP things were only getting worse and in deadlock. I don't understand why you wouldn't both be feeling relieved, as nothing was going to happen without her acknowledging issues for herself and taking that step to family counselling was it.

My partner is sadly also of the opinion that this will not happen and that his daughter is not open to change or compromise.

What message are you both sending about your ability to change and compromise if you don’t go. Again, it sounds like change and comprise in your eyes is a one way street and you and her father aren’t looking forward to your ‘we did our best and bent over backwards’ narrative being challenged.

This is an opportunity, miss it and you might never get another one.

Hi @Hooty43 - sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. From what you've said + updates, the first thing to jump out at me (and I haven't read all the responses but wanted to write this as it's fresh....

I think if she's the one instigating the counselling and you complain that she is still adamant that my boys and I aren't her family and refusing to include us or attend any family event we are at - you need to accept this invitation.

You never know. There may be a back story here, one which she only feels comfortable sharing with you and her dad in a "safe" space. I've done it recently - called for Mediaton between certain members of my family and me - because I needed to talk some things through and I needed to know it wouldn't be in a room full of atmosphere and conflict. The Mediator we chose was a family counsellor and was excellent. Perhaps you would all benefit from it, and you could even suggest individual sessions as part of the process?

Just a thought.

Been in a slightly similar situation in that DSS15 left quite recently to live with his DM having lived with myself, DH and later on his younger DB since he was 6.
In hindsight family counselling would have been useful as although we arranged counselling for DSS, because we had no input it became a channel for his teenage unchecked ranting and I'm sure the counsellor egged him on in this. She didn't seek any clarification and on certain points he is/was certainly delusional.
Children can see things sometimes only in black and white. Whereas with age and maturity we tend to be more open to change and have more empathy.
In your case I would, as others have suggested, go along to at least the first session. View it as an opportunity to be factual about her actions and to see where the majority of her upset lies. If your SD views it as an opportunity to verbally attack you then she will get very short shrift from an independent adult.