I don't want to go to counselling with my partner and his kids!

[Hooty43]

Am I being unreasonable? Just over 2 years ago my partner and I bought a house together. We had been together for 3 years prior to this and have two children each. I have two boys now aged 7 and 8 and my partner a girl now 16 and a boy now 18. We did a lot if things right before and when we moved in together and a fair few things wrong too. I sold my home and sank everything I had into our new home, my partner (after a ruthless divorce) had less to invest. I moved away from my area to his, to cause less disruption to his kids who were at senior school and doing exams. My kids moved school (to a better one) but its far to say endured more disruption overall. We planned our weeks with our exes so that we all had time together, some time as a couple and separate days when only our respective kids were home. Giving everyone space. We prioritised my partners kids rooms and decorated them first as he had been living in a small flat and they needed everything. In fact to give some perspective he had to sleep on the sofa when he had his kids to stay, so they went from that environment to having their own rooms, a garden and a great house. I guess we thought at their age they would struggle more with the new family set up and tried to make their transition gentle.
My two loved it. They adored their step brother and sister, liked the new school and settled really quickly. I guess we thought we'd tried to please everyone. However my partners daughter was unhappy, miserably so. Hated us all, didn't want us all to live together and did some pretty horrendous things making the atmosphere in the house toxic when she was there. Nothing we tried to do helped her and her behaviour spiralled downwards. I struggle to understand why she is so unhappy and she just says she wants to go back to the flat with her dad. We tried makibg sure she had plenty of one on one time with her dad but she just shut him out. She didn't show anyone any respect, was rude, did some pretty disgusting dirty protests, was foul mouthed and totally cut her dad out. Until after 2 years of trying to cope with it my partner and I blew our top after a particularly colourful outburst from her and she left and went to live with her mum (3 roads away). This was 4 months ago. She's been seeing her dad regularly but refuses to come to our home or be anywhere I am or my boys are. This has been a reoccurring theme, she doesn't consider us to be a part of her family and has put pressure on her whole extended family to exclude us, behaving outrageously if she doesn't get her way. Since she moved out things have been both difficult and a relief if I'm honest. My poor partner is in bits and I am trying to support him, but the atmosphere in our home (and it feels like our home now) is lighter and more relaxed. My partners son still spends time with us and stays and my boys, although upset that their step sister isn't at home, seem more relaxed. Now over the last couple of weeks both my partners kids want us to go to family counselling. About 18 months ago I went to counselling alone to try to understand why DSD was so unhappy and destructive and why I let her make me feel helpless. I didn't find it terribly useful, although a few coping strategies for stress were helpful. The thought of my partner, his kids and I doing counselling fills me with total anxiety and dread. I can't stop running scenarios through my head, I can't sleep. I want to support my partner, but his daughter is still adamant that my boys and I aren't her family and refusing to include us or attend any family event we are at, so I can't see what she hopes counselling will achieve. I suspect its another forum for her to vent and knock her dad again. I am being unsupportive and unreasonable? Do i have to attend or can i detatch myself.
I just want to concentrate on my boys, who I feel have really taken a back seat (along with their step brother) to her terrible behaviour and attention seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice, suggestions gratefully received. I'm at the end of my rope to be honest.

I would go - as a way of managing your anxiety, can you go with a view to being more of an observer than a participator for the first few sessions, then make a decision on whether to take part or bow out.
I also wanted to say, hang on in there. I've been through similar and after 4 years of one very angry step DD she has calmed down and is now on good terms with us. It happened quite quickly when it did, as if she suddenly decided to stop being angry.

Shes acting out, and I can see why as at a very difficult time throughout her transition through adolescence this has been her life and shes extremely angry. Shes still a growing child, even more so because her own family life has been ripped apart and newly set up.

You have done all you can to support her, but even so it might help to reframe your expectations, because underneath all the attempts to help, this has still been happening to her.

She and her brother have been awesome in seeking family therapy. She is clearly abjectly unhappy and wants some.control back in her life.

No matter how well you do this, she still doesn't have to be happy about essential the destruction of her family and accepting of a new family unit. Your ds may love and miss her, shes may not be able to feel the same for them because this isnt about that for her.

What messages do her df and dm give her about his relationship you. It sounds like she might be putting the blame on you for breaking up her family.

Did you have an affair with your now dp? Are you the OW in her mind and she's blaming you rather than her df as this is the easier option?

I think you should go. Talking about your behaviour to a neutral third party can bring some sense and perspective to some people. Something you thought was reasonable seems different when you're having to explain it to someone else. Your stepdaughter may find it's not what she expects.

Hi OP,

We've just edited out the name in the OP post - but do get in touch if you have any concerns

I understand your feeling of anxiety, but go. This is her attempt to make amends. To try and resolve the issue. At least this way there's a mediator and you can get to try and resolve some of the issues bubbling under the surface. You can also express your concerns about the boys being sidelined by her histrionic and aggressive behaviour.

Does she see you as the person who wrecked her parents' marriage or scuppered their chances of reunion?

You cant sayon one hand you're upset that she is excluding you then say you won't work towards her trying to mend that.

If she has specifically asked they you all attend together, maybe she has seen the way she has treated you and wants to work towards fixing it, it's a 2 way street. You are the grown up, she is the child. Help her fix this.

I would definitely go. It shows she is trying somehow to sort things out or be heard. The counsellor with be a very good neutral party who can perhaps help your stepdaughter understand her behaviour and help you all as a family. I also think you should stick it beyond the first session . It could really help the whole family.

It is apparent your SD is unhappy that she is not the number one female in her dad's life.

How do you know that?

As for 'ruthless divorce'... is that not likely to have been that the children were allowed to stay in the family home until age 18?

This is all one sided information.

I'd definitely do one session, stick to the facts about her behaviour. The counsellor should be able to keep the session on point and not allow it to become a slagging off session.

If you don't go then she wins because she will twist it that she was willing to go and you look like the bad guy.

I'd definitely go to the counselling sessions as potentially this could really improve your relationships and is presumably important to your DH.

It's always helpful to understand more about where the other person is coming from in a conflict situation. Not excusing her behaviour but being a teen is hard.

Be glad that this opportunity has come, through her efforts, to finally try to resolve this.

What are you worried will happen?

Be prepared for her to pour her anger out at you, you're the adult who chose this for yourself and your dc, she been the teen trying to transition from dc to adult through it all, including 'ruthless' divorce.

She has undoubtedly become very angry through this process.

Understand that it easiest for her to blame you, and be solid and honest with her in response.

Its amazing that they're up for family counselling!

Listen to her blames, its nothing you don't know already and let her get it out in a safe space where you just listen only, and then you can have your turn to speak about living with her [understandable] anger. She needs to find ways to express it, healthy ways.

I would definitely go. Once there I bet some of your anxiety will dissipate. The girl should not be able to use it as an opportunity to attack you or her dad. Also the family might benefit from it. If you don't go SD will be able to use it against you forever more.

The thought of my partner, his kids and I doing counselling fills me with total anxiety and dread.

Have a think about why it fills you with dread. What do you think will be churned up? What do you think you will have to face? (I'm not expecting you to answer that here). The thing with therapy is that you do need a good fit with the therapist so the fact that it didn't help you much before doesn't mean it will be unsuccessful again. It will probably be painful because you'll have to face up to a few things but ultimately it should help.

Check the legal position you have on your house and anything else affected. You have invested significant financial amounts in this situation and also emotionally in your move. Make sure you are protected if any further disruptions happen as you are not married, but you have contributed more.

I’d go to at least one session. But bottom line: she’s right - you and your children are not her family. I’m a stepmother, my child has a stepmother. I’m not against blended families. But she didn’t create this. Her father being with you, does not make your children her brothers. She went from a family set up she liked, to one she didn’t, with zero control over it

Wise words from @Ellisandra

I think you’ll do more harm than good by not going, given that if your DSD is willing to go then she’s showing some effort and if you reject that it makes you look small and petty.

Suck it up. If you want your husband to be part of your family and his daughter has offered to go to counseling, you have to go. She has behaved extremely badly but honestly being a teenager of divorce is extremely hard emotionally and clearly her behaviour shows she has not been coping. Maybe she is just an ungrateful brat, or maybe she just needs someone to help her communicate her feelings, validate them and help understand the reality of the situation. If she’s just a brat the counsellor will say so (in more professional language). You have to be the adult here and go with every intention of giving everything you can to try to resolve this.

You get to say how you feel in counselling too it shouldn’t just be about her feelings.

Can we hear your dh view on all this about his dd and her behaviour and his thoughts on her bringing this up?

I'd go. It's not just about them being heard. It's about them hearing you too.

I’d go for one session, there’s no harm in that

How could you not go. Surely the unhappiest child is the priority here?

I would definitely go. You have more to lose by not going. As others have said she won’t be allowed to use the session to attack you.

Would you go if it was your child struggling? You have tried to create a blended family, you can't pick and choose when you see her as family and when you dont.