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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share my benefits with XP or agree to him claiming carers for our child?

86 replies

TurtleyLost · 30/08/2019 19:00

I'll try and keep this as clear and brief as possible!

XP and I split just after Christmas last year - we'd been together 11 years and the split was 100% his choice. We have an 8 yr old DD together who has autism and I have a 15 yr old DS from a previous relationship.

We lived in a house owned outright by me (bought with an inheritance I had in the early days of our relationship, he isn't on the deeds). When together, we were both self employed with me earning about 75% of our income, and we claimed working and child tax credits.

XP has fairly serious depression and some alcohol abuse issues. He also cannot drive. Since the split he has been living in a caravan in my garden (this is not ideal but it's the best possible solution ATM) and working part time. The rest of the time he mostly does what he wants, visits friends, faffs around making woodcarvings etc etc.

I now claim benefits in my own name as a single person (this has been agreed by the local jobcentre as XP has his own kitchen etc in his caravan, they were told exactly what the situation is and they agreed I am not part of a couple). I also claim DLA for my child who has autism and attends a special school. I do about 85% of all childcare, plus I still work at my own business about 25 hours a week. I pay all the bills, I run the car and do all the driving for the DC, I buy all their food/clothes/shoes, pay for everything myself.

XP does not pay maintenance as his income is so low it seems ridiculous to even ask for any! He literally lives hand to mouth. He will do the odd bit of childcare but in the same way a moody teenager does iyswim. He isn't reliable. He does take our DD out for cinema trips etc but only if I pay for it. He will also stay in the house overnight with her if I go away, but I dislike doing this as I find it hard having him in my space. If he does overnight care then I leave food and money so they can go out if they want to.

XP is very resentful of the fact that I'm now better off than he is (which I am, and I can afford little treats that he can't like the odd nice bottle of wine or afternoon at a spa etc). He thinks it's unfair that I get all the benefits for the DC because in his opinion his life is also impacted by having DC and he wants to claim carers allowance for our DD. I've refused to sign the paperwork as he doesn't provide 35 hours care for her every week which he is furious about. He thinks I'm being incredibly unfair and that I basically live in luxury while he is in a caravan outside. But he doesn't work the hours I do, and I get the benefits for the DC because I am without a shadow of doubt the primary carer.

Aibu to refuse to let him claim carers allowance and not to subsidise him?

OP posts:
achangeisgood · 30/08/2019 19:05

Can he even claim anything without an address ? Surely him claiming would be using your address so would muck it up for both of you. I think you need to evict him formally and then maybe he can get some proper help, although single man without DC living with him will be lower down the priority list. Unless he helps more than you are saying, and you wouldn't manage without him, then you need to come to some sort of other arrangement.

travellersglitch · 30/08/2019 19:06

Do not sign anything over to him and kick him out of living in your garden!

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/08/2019 19:08

Surely it would be fraud. If he wants more income he can follow your example and work.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/08/2019 19:09

Surely claiming carers benefit when you're not the main carer is committing fraud? YANBU to help him commit fraud.

MaximusHeadroom · 30/08/2019 19:10

The allowance isn't compensation paid to parents for having a child with additional needs. It is to help provide support for the child.

The child isn't living with him, isn't doing overnight with him and you have 100% parental responsibility. He can fuck off.

And get him out of your garden. He is clearly very self centred and you are enabling him. You deserve better Wine

RushianDisney · 30/08/2019 19:10

Of course you don't have to fraudulently let him claim money he isn't entitled to. I'd be pushing him to move to a houseshare or something, he surely can't live in the garden long term, especially with winter coming. What dick, sorry you have to deal with him OP Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 30/08/2019 19:11

Obviously never give him a bean

And get him off your land! He's neither use nor ornament!

siring1 · 30/08/2019 19:13

Are you/were you married?

Original poster
TurtleyLost · 30/08/2019 19:13

I guess my feelings are compounded by the fact I know he is in the midst of a huge and deep depressive episode as opposed to him just being an outright arsehole, but my sympathy and generosity of spirit is starting to wear thin tbh Hmm

OP posts:
EL8888 · 30/08/2019 19:14

He’s totally unreasonable. He sounds lazy and entitled. I think you need to get him off your land and being given a taste of the real world

PanamaPattie · 30/08/2019 19:14

Kick the loser out before he gets drunk and does something stupid. He will never sort himself out if you continue to enable his behaviour. He needs to get help for his depression and alcohol issues.

Original poster
TurtleyLost · 30/08/2019 19:15

God no never married!!

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 30/08/2019 19:16

I guess my feelings are compounded by the fact I know he is in the midst of a huge and deep depressive episode

Sure, but he 'left' you so surely his health is now up to him to deal with?

Original poster
TurtleyLost · 30/08/2019 19:18

He does little bits here and there that I would find it hard to manage without. So while he doesn't do a lot in terms of hours, what he does do is what's keeping me from sinking. If that makes sense? So he watches DD while I go to my weekly singing group - it's only an hour but it makes a massive difference to how I feel. I feel like it's easier to have him in the garden than miles away. Also he is sober while he's here, that's one of the conditions under which he stays. If he leaves and gets into old patterns and starts drinking again it would be a lot worse.

OP posts:
MyMamaSaid · 30/08/2019 19:20

@MaximusHeadroom Actually Carers Allowance is to financially support a carer as they are unable to work or earn over a certain income due to caring responsibilities. PIP/DLA is what you are thinking of.

ShiftHappens · 30/08/2019 19:20

Surely claiming carers benefit when you're not the main carer is committing fraud?

you don't have to be the main carer to claim carers allowance. I know plenty of people who do not work and claim CA because they look after e.g. parent, grandparent, aunt. but you have to provide 35 hours care in order to qualify (even though nobody will check that).

I am totally with you though, OP.

WhyBirdStop · 30/08/2019 19:21

Who on earth voted YABU. I thought this was going to be the first 100%. YANBU and you are a saint for putting up with even half of his shit. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can move on, which he should've done anyway!

KadieFae · 30/08/2019 19:26

Take his caravan to the tip, with him in it, he's trash.

KadieFae · 30/08/2019 19:28

Oh and I am really sorry, I meant to hit YANBU but clicked YABU by accident!!

Yeahsurewhatever · 30/08/2019 19:30

No. He's messing with your head if he has you convinced even for a second he should get anything.
He's lucky he's in the garden to be fair, id be telling him to fuck off from there too.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 30/08/2019 19:32

Bloody hell. So he provides an hour of childcare a week to enable you to have a much-needed hobby, and he thinks he deserves the same benefits that you have? Fuck a doodle do.

What help has he tried to access for his ‘depressive episodes’?

You’re a better and more patient woman than I am.

I’d be telling him to sling his hook - and caravan - out of my garden and to piss right off.

Yanbu.

Waveysnail · 30/08/2019 19:35

Could ex claim PIP for himself if his depression is bad?

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 19:41

Nope, he gets FA.

1CantPickAName · 30/08/2019 19:43

YANBU, it sounds like you work hard and it is difficult doing the best for everyone in this situation (I have a similar set up with my xh. He lives nearby but in a bedsit so he stays over, in a spare room, to watch the dc when I’m out and to facilitate his seeing them).

What benefit would it be to your dd if he gets the ca? Would he use the money to make his situation better. Would he save the money to get his own place, which might be better for you?

DoomsdayCult · 30/08/2019 19:43

You have to add up the times he does stay overnight with DD per your original post. Those hours count as well to the 35 per week.
You can’t claim carers allowance because your income is too high so it’s not like he would be claiming something you are entitled to.

I agree he is not currently doing enough child care to claim it, BUT why not sit down and say if he does x, y and z then you will support him claiming carers allowance.