To not share my benefits with XP or agree to him claiming carers for our child?

[TurtleyLost]

I'll try and keep this as clear and brief as possible!

XP and I split just after Christmas last year - we'd been together 11 years and the split was 100% his choice. We have an 8 yr old DD together who has autism and I have a 15 yr old DS from a previous relationship.

We lived in a house owned outright by me (bought with an inheritance I had in the early days of our relationship, he isn't on the deeds). When together, we were both self employed with me earning about 75% of our income, and we claimed working and child tax credits.

XP has fairly serious depression and some alcohol abuse issues. He also cannot drive. Since the split he has been living in a caravan in my garden (this is not ideal but it's the best possible solution ATM) and working part time. The rest of the time he mostly does what he wants, visits friends, faffs around making woodcarvings etc etc.

I now claim benefits in my own name as a single person (this has been agreed by the local jobcentre as XP has his own kitchen etc in his caravan, they were told exactly what the situation is and they agreed I am not part of a couple). I also claim DLA for my child who has autism and attends a special school. I do about 85% of all childcare, plus I still work at my own business about 25 hours a week. I pay all the bills, I run the car and do all the driving for the DC, I buy all their food/clothes/shoes, pay for everything myself.

XP does not pay maintenance as his income is so low it seems ridiculous to even ask for any! He literally lives hand to mouth. He will do the odd bit of childcare but in the same way a moody teenager does iyswim. He isn't reliable. He does take our DD out for cinema trips etc but only if I pay for it. He will also stay in the house overnight with her if I go away, but I dislike doing this as I find it hard having him in my space. If he does overnight care then I leave food and money so they can go out if they want to.

XP is very resentful of the fact that I'm now better off than he is (which I am, and I can afford little treats that he can't like the odd nice bottle of wine or afternoon at a spa etc). He thinks it's unfair that I get all the benefits for the DC because in his opinion his life is also impacted by having DC and he wants to claim carers allowance for our DD. I've refused to sign the paperwork as he doesn't provide 35 hours care for her every week which he is furious about. He thinks I'm being incredibly unfair and that I basically live in luxury while he is in a caravan outside. But he doesn't work the hours I do, and I get the benefits for the DC because I am without a shadow of doubt the primary carer.

Aibu to refuse to let him claim carers allowance and not to subsidise him?

Op is he not able to claim any money due to his depression?

Oh dear I didn't want to cause an argument.

His mental health issues are fluctuating and he falls into that grey area between "not well enough to claim PIP" and "not well enough to hold down a proper job" - and I do have some sympathy for that because, based on how long I've known him, I know that his depression is real and debilitating. I'm trying to walk a fine line here. I don't want to cut him off completely because I think that would be unkind and unnecessary. Neither do I want to continue keeping the XP show on the road to the extent I did when we were together. It's not as easy as "just throw him out". It is genuinely better for all concerned for him to be here than anywhere else.

Obviously if I felt I could rely on him to actually step up and do 35 hours a week caring for DD I'd bloody well encourage him to claim carers allowance for her! It would work well for all concerned. But as things stand I can't rely on that from him so I'm not happy to enable him to claim money for something he isn't doing.

Also he is sober while he's here, that's one of the conditions under which he stays. If he leaves and gets into old patterns and starts drinking again it would be a lot worse
OP - it sounds like you've become his unofficial carer over the 11 years you've been together.
You're still taking responsibility for his 'care needs' by providing him housing and money (under the guise of 'it's for dc spends').
You need to stop taking responsibility for him.
He's never going to find the incentive to help himself if you're constantly enabling him.

He needs to apply to the council and list himself as homeless.
He also needs to apply for out of work benefits - and access the professional help he needs to deal with his alcohol abuse and mental health.

Living in YOUR caravan in YOUR garden is NOT a viable longterm solution that is in yours or the dc's best interests.
He's using the dc to keep his fingers in your pockets - they are his excuse to get money/provisions out of you and the State.
He can't even be arsed doing regular childcare despite living in the bloody garden FFS so he's hardly a doting dad is he?!

So from his perspective, his standard of living has dropped. But that's only because he is no longer subsidised by being part of a family that he took more out of than he put in....He literally lives hand to mouth
How is this your fault - and therefore your responsibility?

In the 11 years you were together - what did HE do about his job/health/lifestyle to enable HIMSELF to live a better life?
He didn't do fuck all did he OP?
Cos YOU were subsidising him financially AND doing the majority of the housework and childcare.

You've allowed yourself to be treated like a mug over the years - and you're still allowing it.
You've convinced yourself that he is helpless and needs caring FOR- and that he shouldn't be held responsible for himself.
My god, you're even grateful to him for looking after his kids for *an hour^ so you can go to your choir once a week!

You took responsibility for and provided everything when he was IN a relationship with you and you're still doing it now that it's over.
How long is this dysfunction going to carry on for?

Get him out of your garden and caravan. It is his responsibility whether he drinks or not. He is responsible for his own actions wherever he is.

BYE BYE!

I noticed you claim benefits, is it Universal Credit? If it is the earnings rule doesn’t exist so if you earn over £123 you can still get a carers element on UC unlike carers allowance. Still gave to provide 35 hours care though (which you clearly do!)

Aibu to refuse to let him claim carers allowance and not to subsidise him?

Definitely 100% YANBU to let him claim carers allowance. He is not entitled to Carers Allowance...
This would be classed as fraud that you have both committed and you will lose all benefits including DLA for DD.

Please don't keep giving him money, you are just making more problems for yourself in the long term because he has absolutely no motivation whatsoever to sort out his own life.

How would it be classed as fraud Jane ? Whilst I'm not advocating the Op.does this if she said her ex was caring for their daughter for 35+ hours a week than he could claim carers allowance even though she was the main carer I have been claiming for my disabled child for 5 years they don't check also why would they lose the DLA? As the DLA is for the child not the parents .

OP
You sound very caring and decent. I think you are doing the right thing by not listening to those advising you to throw him out onto the streets. It doesn’t harm you to have him stay in the caravan and he helps out when he is able. I think you and your DD are a positive influence in his life and probably the only motivation he has to improve his mental well being.
In regards to PIP, see if you can get some help for him to re-apply. People get PIP even if they can work. So if he is too unwell to work, then he’s fallen victim to the DWP scandal surrounding PIP. It has been all over the news since they rolled it out. Over three quarters of the disabled rejected for PIP by DWP win their cases on appeal at a tribunal. And we are not talking, oh DWP was off by a couple points. No, we are talking people who had zero points getting 25,28 and walking out with the highest or second highest rates of PIP!!! There is a charity in my area called Disability Direct. They are nationwide and they help disabled by filling out the forms for them. Helping them gather the medical evidence. Going to tribunal & doing the court filings. Because they recognise the fact that those who are most unwell are less likely to be able to do the paperwork for a successful PIP application.
So, while he is not eligible for carers allowance, he should be eligible for PIP. See if you can get him to a disability direct or other charity to help him with reapplying for PIP.

It will be good practice for when your DD turns 16 as she will have to go from DLA to PIP and the DWP scandal includes not transferring people over and just rejecting them for PIP even though they are on DLA since very young for lifelong conditions. There was even a BBC video of a mother with a severely autistic daughter talking about how DWP refused PIP. The daughter was in the video too and it was OBVIOUS she qualified for PIP.

How would it be classed as fraud Jane ?

there are three criteria to get CA when you care for a child:

1. child gets middle of high rate care DLA
2. weekly earnings of the carer are under £122 (or in that region) 3)you provide min 35 hours have for the disabled child during a week..

Ex doesn't do 35h caring. nowhere near. so should not get it.

I know nobody checks that. I used to get carers for my severely disabled child and I did far more caring. I know so many people who do not provide near that level of care but claim CA because they have a family member on DLA/Pip and they don't earn themselves. They just claim because they can. I really wish there was some way of checking who provides care (and those should get paid at a proper rate not the shameful £66/week) and those who go twice to the supermarket for their mum on PIP and getting CA at the same rate as e.g. a parent carer caring every waking hour)

Op don’t be sucked into being his career. Don’t apply for pip/dla etc for him.
He should get help from elsewhere.
If he hasn’t changed in all the years you’ve been together then he’s hardly likely to change now.

And that might make me a bitch but I wouldn’t be anyone’s doormat. He’s had enough support, his long will this carry on for?