To not share my benefits with XP or agree to him claiming carers for our child?

[TurtleyLost]

I'll try and keep this as clear and brief as possible!

XP and I split just after Christmas last year - we'd been together 11 years and the split was 100% his choice. We have an 8 yr old DD together who has autism and I have a 15 yr old DS from a previous relationship.

We lived in a house owned outright by me (bought with an inheritance I had in the early days of our relationship, he isn't on the deeds). When together, we were both self employed with me earning about 75% of our income, and we claimed working and child tax credits.

XP has fairly serious depression and some alcohol abuse issues. He also cannot drive. Since the split he has been living in a caravan in my garden (this is not ideal but it's the best possible solution ATM) and working part time. The rest of the time he mostly does what he wants, visits friends, faffs around making woodcarvings etc etc.

I now claim benefits in my own name as a single person (this has been agreed by the local jobcentre as XP has his own kitchen etc in his caravan, they were told exactly what the situation is and they agreed I am not part of a couple). I also claim DLA for my child who has autism and attends a special school. I do about 85% of all childcare, plus I still work at my own business about 25 hours a week. I pay all the bills, I run the car and do all the driving for the DC, I buy all their food/clothes/shoes, pay for everything myself.

XP does not pay maintenance as his income is so low it seems ridiculous to even ask for any! He literally lives hand to mouth. He will do the odd bit of childcare but in the same way a moody teenager does iyswim. He isn't reliable. He does take our DD out for cinema trips etc but only if I pay for it. He will also stay in the house overnight with her if I go away, but I dislike doing this as I find it hard having him in my space. If he does overnight care then I leave food and money so they can go out if they want to.

XP is very resentful of the fact that I'm now better off than he is (which I am, and I can afford little treats that he can't like the odd nice bottle of wine or afternoon at a spa etc). He thinks it's unfair that I get all the benefits for the DC because in his opinion his life is also impacted by having DC and he wants to claim carers allowance for our DD. I've refused to sign the paperwork as he doesn't provide 35 hours care for her every week which he is furious about. He thinks I'm being incredibly unfair and that I basically live in luxury while he is in a caravan outside. But he doesn't work the hours I do, and I get the benefits for the DC because I am without a shadow of doubt the primary carer.

Aibu to refuse to let him claim carers allowance and not to subsidise him?

I think he should get something. He can't afford to pay for the cinema so you pay for it but if he got the benefit then perhaps he could so be less relient on you.

@june
He’s not entitled, if he wants to treat his DD I would suggest that strange thing .... A JOB

Agree with the poster who said why not sit down with him and make a plan so that he does provide enough care each week for him to genuinely be entitled to it?

Maybe work out a 40 hrs a week care so that it's still over the 35 if something crops up for her that means he can't have her and set it into her routine. That way you all benefit and he pulls his weight a lot more than he does at the moment.

KadieFae I discovered you can revote on these AIBU votes

I think he should get something. He can't afford to pay for the cinema (so you pay for it but if he got the benefit then perhaps he could so be less relient on you.

@june2007 - I think he should get a job - like the rest of us have to. Why the fuck should the op subsidise her mad ex???

The allowance isn't compensation paid to parents for having a child with additional needs. It is to help provide support for the child.
No you are thinking of dla , carers is in lieu of a wage to provide an income for the carer.

Don't be silly those of you who would enable a workshy and unreliable boozer to.commit benefit fraud.

Ok. So OP I think you need to set some boundaries here. You are no longer together. His happiness/finances/relationship with his children are his responsibility, not yours.

It is not down to you to provide for him or facilitate his time with his children. He needs to sort this stuff out for himself, starting with finding himself somewhere to live.

@Shouldbedoing
Don't be silly those of you who would enable a workshy and unreliable boozer to.commit benefit fraud.

Literally no one has advised that. All that has been said is since he is willing and capable of caring for his DD despite his own medical disability, why not sit down and draw up a schedule of care so that he can claim carers allowance.
I am wondering who looks after the OPs DD while she is working from home? If he’s at the home too and supervising/ feeding DD that counts towards his hours of care. You don’t have to be primary carer or alone with the person to be a carer for them.

@Shouldbedoing
Don't be silly those of you who would enable a workshy and unreliable boozer to.commit benefit fraud.

Furthermore, he is NOT workshy. He himself is disabled with depression. It’s people like you that cause the shame and stigma around mental illness. It’s people like you contributing to the suicide epidemic in young men. Sitting there sneering and calling them names. You make me sick. One day you might fall ill with a mental illness and then you’ll realise what a bigoted piece of shit you were towards the mentally ill.

I'd be very wary about anything that effectively names your xp as the primary carer.

@HidingFromDD
Claiming carers allowance does NOT name you as primary carer FFS. It just means you are A CARER for a disabled person. Many disabled children/adults have multiple carers.
OP will still be primary carer and the resident parent.

@DoomsdayCult
I am wondering who looks after the OPs DD while she is working from home? If he’s at the home too and supervising/ feeding DD that counts towards his hours of care.

Did you miss the OP’s post on the previous page running through the amount of time or hours where he’s watched their daughter? It doesn’t even come to 35 hours over the last two months. I understand what you’re getting at, genuinely I do. The problem is that he really doesn’t seem to be helping at all in terms of childcare and the OP is generally self sufficient with the exception of a couple times. Depending on her teenager’s schedule, he could likely take over for the XP just as easily because it’s so little time.

She’s still subsidizing the XP. This is inherently not her job or duty anymore. What people are saying is that the OP needs a clean a break physically from the relationship so she needs to kick him off her land and he needs to start addressing his problems himself. Right now he’s tinkering in the backyard and being generally idle. That is not good for your mental health, I know from experience. It leaves you a lot of time to think nastily about yourself and say horrible things in your mind.

After he leaves, sure she can send him links and literature around mental health issues and getting support. But she can’t just keep propping him up otherwise he’ll never make the first move toward getting help on his own. Through all their rage posting, that is what other posters are trying to convey.

@DoomsdayCult if he’s that depressed and mentally unwell he needs to focus on himself and should not be relied on to care for their daughter.
If he feels able to do it then that’s a bonus but if he isn’t doing 35 hours of care a week he should not get the money.
That is fraud.
Also, his mental illness is not OPs problem.
If she wants him out the garden then he should go.

Anyway if he is in charge of DD I do hand over a reasonable sum of money so they can do things like cinema

If DC gets DLA, have you applied for a CEA for them? If DC has one, then the carer gets in free anyway and only DC has to pay - and DLA is an appropriate use for that IMO. There are also lots of other activities where the carer of a disabled person gets in free - like theme parks, zoos, theatres, etc. It’s usually not advertised on their website; you have to email or ring them to ask.

No, YANBU. I’d find it galling to be asked that too, given you do pretty much all of the parenting and the extra care that goes into looking after a child with disabilities.

As a separate matter, I’d be trying to get him out of my garden too now. I think it would be best if you were totally separate. And don’t let him stay in your home, ever. Even if you’re not there.

Is there the space for him to do 35+ hours a week? If he could contribute more and be less financially reliant on you, I’d consider that a win.

@DoomsdayCult
I am sick to death of you and other posters having such a nasty and bigoted attitude towards mental illness. Are you TRYING to drive this poor man to the grave? How will the OP explain to her daughter when her daddy kills himself.

It’s a massive leap from what the op has described to her ex committing suicide. The op has said nothing about the severity of her ex’s depression or what treatment he has sought.

She has mentioned that he sees friends, has a hobby. Also he does very little childcare, does not support his dc financially, yet is wanting carer’s benefit. That is what I meant when I said ‘mad’.

Her ex’s MH is nothing to do with her any more and she has been more than fair by allowing him to live in a caravan in her garden.

@theunrivaled
“The op has said nothing about the severity of her ex’s depression or what treatment he has sought.”

Actually, yes she has. She stated that he is currently going through a major depressive episode. Obviously you have zero idea what that means in medical terms. It means his risk of suicide is very high.

@7yo7yo
“If she wants him out the garden then he should go.”

But the OP has not mentioned that at all. In fact, she said she was happy to let him stay there. It’s all you intolerant nasty mum bitches howling at her to push a mentally unwell man into homelessness.

He is drinking. He is spending fuck all time with his DC despite living next to them. He wants more money. He could work more. He could earn the carers allowance by doing the actual caring. He could stop drinking.

This selfish alcoholic might have mental health troubles. That's a shame. OP and their DC are not responsible for propping him up. MH problems are not a magic free pass to force everyone else to pick up your crap while you are allowed to do whatever you like.

doomsday god you are a drama queen 'if daddy kills himself' what the fuck ?? plenty of us have severe depression [ i have rapid cycling bipolar] but this guy isn't helping himself drinking either.he needs medical help, get off his arse and do something with his life instead of being a shit role model to his child.
i guess if you were in op's shoes you would be fine with this sort of shit going on and camping in your garden long term with no end in sight. if you are, you are a better person than me or lying.
op, you are doing more than enough, he is not your problem, he needs to leave asap. doomsday is willing for him to move into their garden / drive way. pm them to sort it out.

and if my rant makes me a bitch i'm okay with that, taken as a compliment. i've had a cocklodger ex dh like op's, drinking, depressed , workshy . once i kicked him out he went on to smooze several other poor women before drinking himself to death.